Finally, we get a real conversation about race on ‘The Bachelor’

SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW “THE BACHELOR” SEASON ENDED DEFINITELY DO NOT READ THIS YET.

Remember all those times we were told a “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” season finale was the most dramatic ever? Or those “After the Final Rose” episodes that seemed really tense because the couple had broken up or weren’t getting along?

Those seem trifling now compared to what we saw Monday, which at times was searing, gut-wrenching and heartbreaking — and I’m not talking about Matt James and Rachael Kirkconnell breaking up.

With one question — “How much pressure was it being the first Black Bachelor?” — Emmanuel Acho started a conversation on “After the Final Rose” that laid bare the unfair burden placed on Black men, of “making people comfortable with your blackness, and going above and beyond to show that in stature and in personality you’re not as threatening as you come off as,” as Matt put it.

Whereas any other Bachelor (i.e. white, though Matt didn’t use that word) would have to worry only about finding love on the show, Matt said he felt like he carried the weight “of everything that was going on in the country at that time frame regarding social justice, everything going on in the franchise surrounding diversity and inclusion.”

Add to that he had to be on his best behaviour, he said, because “for a lot of people that was the first time having someone like that in their home,” by which he meant having a Black man on their TV.

All that was sobering enough, but things got really raw when it came to Rachael. She and Matt didn’t get engaged at the end of filming, but they were in a relationship and Matt told Emmanuel that when allegations first started going around about racist social media activity on her part he dismissed them as “rumours.”

When Rachael acknowledged the activity and apologized for it, Matt said he realized that “Rachael might not understand what it means to be Black in America.”

As tough as it was to break up with her, “if you don’t understand that something like that is problematic in 2018 there’s a lot of me that you won’t understand,” he said, noting that he grew up in the South, with memories of events, people and places that weren’t welcoming to him.

2018 was, of course, the year that Rachael posed for a photo at an antebellum-themed party. As Emmanuel told Rachael when she had her time in the hot seat, antebellum in Latin means “before the war,” as in the U.S. Civil War, which means it’s about honouring the South at a time when slavery was still practised.

A contrite Rachael said she was living in ignorance when the photo was taken without thinking about who her actions might hurt, and she seemed sincere in her desire to rectify that ignorance, but it also seemed clear that whatever she does isn’t going to win back Matt, not that I’m suggesting that should be a priority for him.

When Matt joined Rachael onstage, she apologized for hurting him and for not understanding at first how hurt he had been by her actions, and he just nodded. When Emmanuel asked Matt what he wanted to share with Rachael there was an uncomfortable almost minute-long silence during which he seemed to be struggling with some painful emotions.

Finally, after Emmanuel urged him again to share what was on his mind, Matt told Rachael, “The most disappointing thing for me was having to explain to you why what I saw was problematic and why I was so upset . . . when I questioned our relationship it was on the context of you not fully understanding my blackness and what it means to be a Black man in America, and what it would mean for our kids when I saw those things that were floating around the internet, and it broke my heart.”

Heartbroken or not, Matt said he couldn’t be “emotionally responsible” for Rachael’s tears even though it hurt to see her shed them — she was crying after having told Matt she’d never love anyone the way she loved him — and that he could play no part in the work of reconciliation that she was doing.

Emmanuel invited them to share one last embrace and Matt made no move toward her side of the couch.

Now that we know how it ends, and since this is technically a recap, I should probably say something about what came before “ATFR.”

The episode began with the usual business of the final two meeting Matt’s family. His mother Patty and brother John were charmed by both Rachael and Michelle Young, and vice versa. But Patty went from being ready to welcome one of them into the family to telling Matt that “people fall in and out of love, and love is not the end-all, be-all,” nor did it automatically have to mean an engagement.

That in turn sent Matt to “a very dark place,” thinking about his father not being ready for marriage and destroying his family, which led to Matt thinking he himself wasn’t ready to get engaged.

This being “The Bachelor,” it was hard to tell if Matt was genuinely having second thoughts or this was just a finale fakeout.

He seemed attentive enough during his final date with Michelle, which involved rappelling down the front of the Nemacolin. Little did Michelle know walking down a building on a rope would be the easy part of her time with Matt.

Later, in her suite — after she gave Matt matching Mr. and Mrs. James basketball jerseys, signifying their status as life “teammates” — Matt delivered the very bad news that he was having doubts and he didn’t think he could “get there” with Michelle.

They parted with tears on both sides. When then host Chris Harrison showed up to commiserate, Matt reiterated that he wasn’t going to put any woman through what his mother had gone through by rushing into marriage and that he needed time to think things over.

What that meant in practice is that Rachael’s final date was cancelled, but it didn’t stop jeweller Neil Lane from visiting or Matt from picking out an engagement ring.

The pear-shaped beauty, however, stayed in his pocket when Rachael arrived at the lake the next day to learn her fate. There was a certain irony, given the “ATFR” conversation, to hear Rachael talk about knowing Matt had been hurting the day before and how “when you’re hurting I’m hurting.”

Matt told Rachael that he couldn’t propose to her, but he also said he loved her and could see her as his wife and the mother of his children. So it seemed about as idyllic as an ending could get, with Rachael and Matt exchanging giddy “I love you’s,” oblivious to the reality that everyone watching already knew was coming.

As for Michelle, she is indeed, as was reported last week, one of two new Bachelorettes. Katie Thurston is the other one. Her season will air first this summer, with Michelle’s in the fall.

Michelle had one bit of unfinished business with Matt on “After the Final Rose.” She told Emmanuel that after their breakup she’d asked production for two minutes to speak to Matt, but Matt refused.

When Matt joined her onstage, Michelle told him she hadn’t been trying to change his mind or to fight for him, but just to find some inner peace before she left Pennsylvania.

Matt apologized for not talking to her. He also praised her both for the way she carried herself through the show and for the “emotional weight” she had carried as a Black woman. Michelle told Matt, “I hope you find your happiness; I hope you move on, kissing with your eyes closed, and I hope you come up with more phrases than just ‘thanks for sharing.'”

I hope that sense of humour is on full display in Michelle’s “Bachelorette” season. I expecting I’ll be recapping that one too.

Until then, you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo