PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv
Either there’s an outbreak of wandering eye syndrome at Camp Paradise or the producers of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” have some ninja level manipulation skills.
How else to explain an episode in which Caitlin claimed she was considering dumping Kamil for newbie Adam — after Adam had been ditched by Illeana, who went back to Brendan S — and then Caitlin was pursued by Mike, leaving Stacy feeling like chopped liver.
“Like are we all getting played?” Vay asked indignantly after learning of Mike’s manoeuvre.
Yes, Vay, probably and I’m including viewers in that “we.”
I mean, seriously, in what universe does a smart woman like Caitlin get sucked in by some dude she’s barely talked to just because he knocks on her door with a bouquet of flowers? And why would Mike suddenly zero in on Caitlin on the flimsy pretext that he didn’t know anything about her and she might be his “match”?
Here I will quote another wise woman, Stacy: “Can I get a bigger eye roll?”
Let’s backtrack to pick up the threads from last week‘s episode.
We watched as Illeana Pennetto, despite being part of a Day 1 couple with Brendan Scanzano, went on not one, but two dates with newcomer Adam Kunder, which seemed to mostly involve sucking face, although she told her besties she got “a lot deeper” with Adam than she had with Brendan.
Balderdash! It appeared Adam had exhausted his conversational skills on Date No. 1 because as he and Illeana repaired to a couch to continue Date No. 2, he became about as communicative as a rock. As Illeana noted, “Instead of talking we’re just kissing, which isn’t bad, but it’s not getting us anywhere.”
Well, it did get her somewhere: back into Brendan’s arms. When she and Adam returned from their date, Illeana left Adam boasting about their “dope” connection at the bar while she told Brendan that despite having a “nice time” with Adam, “I was just thinking about coming back and being with you” — although she claimed she wouldn’t have known for sure had she not gone on that second date.
Sounds sketchy, but OK, fine.
Illeana let Adam down as gently as she could, although he seemed completely flabbergasted that she picked Brendan over him. And who should commiserate with Adam about getting dumped, of all people, but Brendan’s friends Kamil and Caitlin, another Day 1 couple? Weird, right?
Kamil wasn’t all that sympathetic, as you’d expect, since he’d said from the get-go that Adam had been disrespectful for not checking with the other men before asking out one of “their women.” But that paternalism pissed off Caitlin, who told Adam he’d done the right thing by following his heart to Illeana.
Then the next day, Adam had one heck of a pivot, as they say, claiming that after his date(s) with Illeana he had “a gut-wrenching feeling I had made the wrong choice.” So there he was at Caitlin’s cabin door with flowers.
Oh puhleez. As if that wasn’t a naked play for a rose. And yet we watched Caitlin get “confused” over whether to choose Kamil, who she said was coasting, or Adam, who she said was making an effort. Give me a break. You think he picked those flowers out himself? I’m not saying Kamil is all that, but why would you trust the dude who was all over your best friend the day before?
The rest of the cast watched with rapt attention as Adam walked Caitlin over to the bar, where Kamil and Chris were sitting, then put a flower in her hair and tried to kiss her in front of Kamil and everyone else.
(As an aside, did anyone else find it funny that Kamil’s confidant in his grudge against Adam was Chris, who made his own play for Caitlin earlier in the season? They even had a private joke about how many times Adam used the word “bro.” Chris said it was up to 217.)
Caitlin did eventually kiss Adam, not as much as Illeana, but enough to say it was “sensual” and “hot.”
So her choices going into the rose ceremony were Kamil, who said Caitlin was his “ride or die chick,” or Adam, who said he wanted Caitlin to “feel like you’re in a fairy tale all the time.” Both those things sound like bad cliches, though if I had to choose I’d probably take the ride over being treated like a Disney princess.
Still, is anybody shocked that Caitlin handed the final rose of the night to Kamil? No? Didn’t think so.
The one woman who did seem genuinely conflicted about where her rose should go was Lisa.
With 11 men and seven roses, most of which were spoken for, Lisa was suddenly a hot commodity as Josh, David, Jeremy and Chris all claimed her attention, one after the other. Lisa had tears on her cheeks as the men made their pitches.
But could Chris’s pinky swear that he’d have her back at the next rose ceremony compete with Josh and Lisa’s shared kisses and love of Hawaiian pizza?
Well, no. David, Jeremy and Chris all went home, along with Adam.
Sadly we are now deprived of at least three bromances, if you count Chris’s with Kamil and Jeremy’s with Brendan M and Joey. In fact, Joey looked downright stricken as Jeremy said his goodbyes.
Chris Kotelmach, who’s been one of the more colourful characters on the beach, said he was leaving as a stronger person after learning “so much in such a short period of time . . . This isn’t the end; this is when I truly get to live my life.”
David was less gracious, saying everyone on the beach was “so fake I’m like fuck this, get me out of here.”
The next day, with the power of the rose shifting back to the men, we saw two new women arrive: Bianka Kamber, the 37-year-old former “winner” of “Bachelor Canada” Season 1, and Nicole Cregg, a 25-year-old fan contestant from Toronto.
Alas, the attention focused on Bianka — and it wasn’t much — was all about her age while Nicole was singled out for her beauty. Nope, no ageism or sexism going on there.
The truly startling development came later when Mike suddenly announced in his confessional that Paradise was getting too comfortable and he wanted “to find my true match through discomfort.” Um, sure.
Furthermore, he didn’t take kindly to Kamil telling the other fellows to stay in their lanes. “I’m here to get in people’s lanes, figure out my best match and, as far as I see it, Kamil is a bicycle in a bicycle lane and I’m Mack truck Mike, and if you don’t move over I’m gonna run you off the road and that’s why I’m gonna ask Caitlin on a date.”
Let’s put aside the mental image of a truck running a bike off the road, which I can tell you is not a good look here in Toronto. But um, what?
That was pretty much Caitlin’s reaction when Mike interrupted her snuggle time with Kamil to ask her out, and also Stacy’s when he told her what he’d done. He claimed he was doing it so he could turn the “something good” he had with Stacy into “something great.”
So how does that work exactly? You like someone and you’ll like them even better if you go out with someone else? Huh?
Stacy pointed out that Mike had already had plenty of time to get to know other women and the timing was “quite interesting” given that the men now had the roses.
When Stacy told Vay what was up, Vay was incensed on Stacy’s behalf and rightly so. I mean Mike was probably just carrying out some stupid production directive, but he made Stacy cry and that definitely made me like him less. And, like, why would you want to be fourth in line to date Caitlin when you could have Stacy all to yourself? No offence to Caitlin, but Stacy is a catch.
Then, when Caitlin told Mike to get stuffed in a nice way, he was all “You are my love interest and potentially out of this my girlfriend or more” to Stacy.
You’ve got an interesting way of showing it, buddy.
So that was it, right? Everyone can go back to playing happy couples?
No, not exactly. Kamil got chatting with new arrival Nicole, after admitting that her “natural beauty” had turned his head so much “my neck is killing me today.” But I guess it was OK because Nicole wasn’t yet attached to a man whose permission Kamil had to ask. He was grinning like a fool and boasting about how everyone else called him “the mayor of Paradise” (nope) and brushing a (imaginary?) bug away from her shoulder.
Can I get a bigger eye roll?
It was enough to drive Caitlin into her cabin, crying. “Why don’t I get my happiness and my love story? I’ve had enough,” she said.
Well, buckle up Caitlin. Next week, two more women hit the beach and there’s something called the “Camp Paradise bonfire,” which is apparently designed to spark tensions. It looks like somebody who isn’t Lisa kisses Josh and Brendan Morgan decides to exercise his romantic options, which has Angela in tears . . . again.
You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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