Bachelor in Paradise Canada: ‘too many pickles’ on the beach

Here’s the thing about pickles: they can taste pretty sour. And on Monday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” several relationship “pickles” were souring the summer camp vibe on the beach.

The central one involved “Big Brother Canada” alum Sam Picco and ex-“Survivor” contestant Cole Medders. They have been a thing since the first episode, although there’s always been a sense that Sam was more emotionally involved than Cole, especially since Cole kept pursuing Lisa Mancini on the side.

And on Monday, Cole got pretty pissy when Sam tried to bring up the subject of love.

“What if I said I was falling in love with you?” she asked. “Have you ever loved somebody?” she persisted when Cole didn’t answer.

“I don’t really like these conversations. I don’t want to explore that stuff,” was Cole’s response.

Dating show contestants like to talk about people putting walls up — Cole was practically putting up a Hoover Dam.

Cole told Sam bluntly, “I am not falling in love,” and OK, fine. I’m guessing they had known each other about two weeks by the time this episode was shot. And there was a context for Cole’s skittishness. In his in-the-moment interview he explained that he had opened up on TV before and got screwed over — presumably talking about his relationship with Jessica Johnston on “Survivor” — “so I am not doing that again.”

But all the same, he was kind of a dick in the way he talked to Sam about it. In his ITM, he said he couldn’t keep leading Sam on, making her think they might have a post-Paradise future, and that they might not even be compatible.

If you think that meant Cole was now free to explore his supposed passion for Lisa, think again.

Lisa and Cole had been avoiding each other ever since Cole and Sam went to the boom boom room, so Lisa tried to clear the air after Cole pointedly ignored her at the bar.

Cole coldly said in his ITM that part of him wanted to talk to Lisa and be friends, but the other part was “I just don’t care at this point.” So when Lisa approached him, Cole sullenly lied that everything was OK between them and then dismissed her while he continued brooding alone on a bean-bag bed.

Neither Lisa nor Sam was happy the next day. The roomies had compared notes the night before and seemed to be in agreement that Cole was manipulating and bamboozling both of them. Hold that thought.

Lisa was also feeling uncomfortable about her relationship with Connor Brennan. Bottom line: “I don’t know how I feel about Connor.” Yes, she liked him and liked spending time with him, but something was missing, she said more than once.

She was in a . . . wait for it . . . pickle.

Joey, who has essentially become this season’s narrator, said that although Connor and Lisa looked cute together — I totally agree — “girls usually don’t want the cute guy.” Sad face emoji.

OK, back to Sam and Cole.

While Cole was off moping, Sam told Joey and Tessa that she and Cole were done, a point she emphasized in several teary ITMs in which she said she didn’t have anything more to give to Cole. Until she did, that is.

A date card mysteriously appeared for Sam and, duh, she took Cole. All that was required was an hour of horseback riding at Glen Oro Farm in Hawkestone, Ont., an apology from Cole and some kissing, and suddenly all was right with Sam and Cole again, or as right as it could be.

Just as suddenly, Lisa was the villain. Lisa, Sam said, was a “bad person” who wanted to hurt her and Cole was just being genuine. And sorry, but I call bullshit, whether Sam actually believed that or was being told to say it by the producers.

We all watched the footage of Cole sucking face ad nauseam with Lisa. I draw your attention to Episode 5 in which Cole told Lisa, “I really fucking see something here, something that could, like, work in the real world too.” Which sounds an awful lot like “you guys could have a future outside of here,” which is what Sam said she had been told Cole said to Lisa.

Also, it doesn’t sound at all like “As she kept pushing I was, like, ‘Well, we can always talk outside of this later,'” which is what Cole told Sam he said to Lisa.

Look, I get it: a dude might tell a white lie when he’s put on the spot. From the way Cole’s leg jiggled as Sam told him what Lisa had told her, he seemed a little nervous about it.

And yes, I try not to take any of this too seriously: I don’t know any of these people or who they are in the real world, but never once have I had the impression that Lisa is a mean girl who would deliberately try to hurt Sam or anyone else.

So yeah, sorry Sam, I’m still Team Lisa.

Moving on to the night’s other big pickle or double pickles, as it were.

Juan Pablo Osorio, a Colombian-born fitness coach from Toronto, joined the cast. And if you didn’t know he would take Ana Cruz on his date, a Paradise returnee with Colombian heritage, you haven’t been paying attention.

Sure, Ana had been coupled up with American “Bachelorette” alum Edward Naranjo, but she was attracted to Juan’s “perfect smile” and his tattoos.

As Edward said, it was Mexico, his heritage, vs. Colombia.

At least Ana hugged Edward goodbye before she and Juan went go-karting, which is more than Austin got when Chelsea went off with Josh last week.

But whereas that date was a production stunt, Ana seemed to be genuinely into Juan, or at least into kissing him. As she put it, “when I kiss Juan my vagina is dancing.”

She still liked Edward, however, even if his kisses didn’t make her lady parts salsa.

“I’m in a pickle. I have two pickles,” she lamented in her ITM. “Do I go for the pickle that’s brand new? Do I risk it or do I go for the pickle that I’ve already established a connection with? There’s too many pickles in Paradise.”

Amen sister!

Ana was still dancing the next day, presumably both her va-jay-jay and the rest of her body: in a salsa dance-off, she shook it with both Juan and Edward and then she had a smooching session with Juan. And, of course, Edward was sitting where he could see them. I can practically hear the producer guiding him to the right chair.

I suspect she will choose the more familiar pickle in the next rose ceremony, whenever that is, but who knows?

And finally we close with the silliest dispute of the episode. What is it with women who couple up with Joey and jealousy?

During a game of “Truth or Dare,” Tessa noticed that Maria kept touching Joey’s right leg. Tessa said “caressing.” To me, it looked more like resting her hand on it repeatedly.

Sure, I get it; if another woman was touching my husband’s leg I’d probably be staring daggers at her too. But then Tessa kept going on and on to Meagan and other people about how Maria was crossing boundaries and not showing respect and only cared about herself to the point that the leg-touching molehill became a mountain.

Joey was very understanding of Tessa’s annoyance and agreed he would keep Maria’s handsyness in check.

And Maria was also conciliatory when Tessa confronted her, saying that’s how she had always been with Joey in the six years they had known each other, but she was happy that Tessa and Joey were together.

“I honestly had no idea I was doing it,” Maria said. “I totally, like, respect your relationship and I would never want to get in between.” But also, Maria said, she is a touchy person and it was hard to turn that off.

Things just disintegrated from there with Maria and Tessa talking over each other and Maria finally walking away in anger, and heading straight over to Connor and Lisa to complain.

Sorry Tessa, but I’m with Lisa here: the leg touch is “a non-issue.” And I would love to put leg-gate behind us for good. But it looks like Tessa and Maria are going to take swipes at each other next week in a “Paradise roast” presided over by drag artist Priyanka.

Also, Connor tells Lisa, “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.” Celine puts Matia on the spot, Josh puts Maria on the spot, Meagan appears to be heartbroken and we might even get a rose ceremony.

You can watch next week, but note that “Paradise” is shifting for the rest of the season to Sundays at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo