The purpose of this two-“Bachelorette” season has been made abundantly clear, if it wasn’t already. It’s not about Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia finding love — although that could still happen — it’s about making them relive the kind of rejection they felt on Clayton Echard’s “Bachelor” season.
Thus, on a Frankenstein’s monster of an episode, we had Gabby being told point blank by several of the men that they preferred Rachel and Rachel having her roses rejected by several more at the rose ceremony.
And if that wasn’t humiliating enough, host Jesse Palmer then took those roses away so that Rachel couldn’t give them to anyone else. Funny how that suddenly became a rule on a season that supposedly had no rules.
When Monday’s episode ended, Gabby had nine suitors left and Rachel eight, along with two bruised egos — although it looks like James, a.k.a. Meatball, will get a second chance with Rachel and even out the numbers again.
The two stars aren’t the only ones enduring a so-called roller-coaster ride. I mean what the hell was that Monday?
The episode started with Rachel having a perfectly sweet one-on-one with tech exec Zach, then veered into train wreck territory with Gabby paying a surprise visit to the mansion and having the men ignore her to play football.
Gabby’s Grandpa John perked up the mood by accompanying her on her one-on-one with Erich — which was odd, but OK, fine — then Gabby had a meltdown during dinner but seemed to recover her equilibrium at the group date, only to crash again when three men told her she wasn’t their type.
So Gabby and Rachel tried to take back control of their “journey” by dividing up the men at the rose ceremony and we know how well that turned out for Rachel.
Earlier in the episode, Rachel seemed like the belle of the ball.
She and Zach got to play dress-up with Karamo Brown from “Queer Eye” on an “old Hollywood” date that he allegedly planned.
Karamo sent them off to an “exclusive movie premiere” at the gorgeous El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard where they walked a teeny red carpet with faux paparazzi, only to discover that the movie, “Me & You,” was actually a collection of photos and videos from their childhoods and inspirational messages from their moms, all tastefully scored by piano player Matt White.
The walk down memory lane produced the requisite amount of tears on both Rachel’s and Zach’s parts, and they bonded over the fact they both spent time with their dads in airport parking lots watching planes take off and land.
So it only took two one-on-ones for Rachel to achieve liftoff — no hard feelings Jordan V. And Tino, watch your back: there’s a new frontrunner in town.
While Rachel was playing starlet, Gabby went to the mansion, in theory to see which men would make the effort to get to know her better. None, nada, zilch, that’s how many made the effort.
The dudes were more interested in tossing a football and complimenting each other’s shirts than chatting up Gabby. That went over about as well as you think it would for someone with abandonment issues because her mother withheld love when she was growing up.
“I don’t want to play anymore,” Gabby said as the ball was tossed back and forth, and she could have been talking about the show as well as the game.
But chin up, the next day she had a date with real estate analyst Erich and Grandpa John came along, supposedly so Gabby could see how Erich interacted with her family, but it’s way too early for that. This was just a sop to Bachelor Nation since Grandpa John is so beloved.
First stop was one of those woo woo activities the franchise likes to use from time to time: a sound ceremony to release negative energies. And it might have had meaning for Gabby, but I don’t blame Grandpa John for falling asleep.
Everybody stayed awake for the next activity — bowling — at which Gabby recruited a plant, er, lady named Julie to be a date for Grandpa.
So far so good: Erich was chill about having Grandpa along, Erich and Gabby got in a little smooching time and they got to be alone on the evening portion of the date.
But the wheels came off after Erich talked about his “soul-mate” parents, which prompted Gabby to talk about her estranged mother.
“I’ll maybe never know what it’s like to have a mother’s love,” Gabby said tearfully and Erich . . . just looked at her, not even a pat on the shoulder, for crying out loud. Maybe that’s just the way it was edited, but with that reaction it’s no wonder Gabby left him alone at the table to go cry on producers’ shoulders.
“Am I too broken for anyone to love?” she lamented.
No sweetie, you’re not, but this nasty franchise is going to make sure you keep feeling that way.
For a moment, it looked like Erich might go the way of Jordan V — just imagine how freaked out the other men would have been to see another dude not survive a one-on-one — but Gabby returned to the table, apologetic for not being a “polished” Bachelorette.
Erich made the right noises about Gabby’s experiences making her a “really unique person” and being “open and honest,” and really liking Gabby and wanting to “see where this goes.”
Where it went for the moment was a rose for Erich and lots of smooching.
“I’m the imperfect Bachelorette. I think in some people’s eyes it will mean perfect,” Gabby said.
A useful thought to take into the next day’s mob scene, the largest group date in Bachelorette history at 19 men. I didn’t count them, but one of the guys said there were 19 of them, so I’m going with it and don’t expect me to name names.
And guess who was there? Alleged “Bachelor legend” Franco Lacosta to do a photo shoot.
Given that Gabby and Rachel made their entrances in wedding gowns, you might have thought it was going to be one of those faux wedding shoots with the men in tuxes and suits. But no, they were mostly given ridiculous costumes to wear: plaid shirts and Daisy Dukes for a car wash tableau; a diaper for Meatball, who was, ahem, birthed by Aven; a fig leaf/black box for Jacob for an Adam and Eve shoot with Gabby.
“I’ve seen Jacob’s situation multiple times today and excuse me, because I just can’t help looking,” Rachel said.
It was all ridiculous, the only interaction of note coming when Nate, in a suit thankfully, faux proposed to Gabby.
“Your smile melts my heart, it really does. Whenever you enter a room the world melts away,” he said. “The second I laid eyes on you I felt like I was meeting my best friend and forever could never be long enough to realize how beautiful you are inside and out.”
Followed by a smooch chaser, it sounded like a rehearsal for the real thing, which would have been a good thought for Gabby to hold onto as the after-party commenced at SoFi Stadium.
Now, obviously, this was heavily edited. We saw Rachel kissing Aven, Jordan H and Tino, followed by Tyler, Hayden and Jacob telling Gabby they weren’t interested in her. Hayden damned Gabby with faint praise for her “bubbly” and “goofy aspect,” adding that she was rough around the edges.
And then Jacob cheerfully told Gabby she was “smokin’,” but “if you were the only person here I don’t think I could have the heart to continue.”
Ouch!
Show me a woman who wouldn’t have her insecurities stirred up after hearing something like that.
Rachel cheerfully gave her group date rose to Aven; Gabby didn’t give hers to anyone, saying, “Tonight has kind of been hard for me in a way.”
I find it really difficult to believe Gabby didn’t have positive interactions with somebody at that after-party with 19 men swirling around and, even if she didn’t, surely she could have given the rose to Nate for his lovely words from the photo shoot. But OK, let’s pretend this was all her idea.
After Gabby commiserated with Rachel about her lousy experience, the two of them decided that something had to change.
Cue the cancellation of the cocktail party! Jesse told the fellows they’d be moving directly to the rose ceremony and would have to choose which Bachelorette they wanted to date. No more sitting on the fence, Meatball!
“This will be the craziest night in Bachelor Nation history,” Quincey said.
Now, let’s be honest, if the franchise really had Gabby’s and Rachel’s best interests at heart they could have separated the rose ceremonies, with the women going one after the other. That might have eased the humiliation of rejection somewhat.
Instead, there were two tables with eight roses apiece, and Rachel and Gabby took turns handing them out.
The pre-ceremony narrative was that Gabby might face rejection because of what happened at the group date after-party. But Nate, Johnny, Spencer, Jason, Mario, Kirk, Quincey and Michael all took her roses.
Rachel gave hers to Tino and Logan and then Termayne balked, saying he had a deeper connection with Gabby and um, really? Can’t even remember seeing them together.
That’s when Jesse walked in to “clarify,” saying Termayne could get back in line but Rachel had forfeited that rose. Yep, the women are taking control of their journey all right.
Alec also said no thanks to Rachel. Thankfully, Tyler, Ethan and Jordan H said yes, but Meatball declined, saying, “I’m here for Gabby.”
Rachel and Gabby took a (producer-mandated) break to kvetch before giving out their final roses. “This was supposed to be us taking the power back. We literally handed it right back to all of them by doing this,” Rachel whispered.
Dealer, i.e. the franchise, always wins, ladies, dealer always wins.
Hayden said yes to Rachel’s final rose then the women repaired to separate rooms for champagne toasts with their groups of guys.
The footage over the credits showed Meatball, who had been booted along with Jacob and Rachel’s other no-men, Alec and Termayne, asking Rachel for another chance because, gee, he did want to get to know her after all. Rachel might not want him back, but the producers surely will to even up the numbers.
Next week the gang goes to Paris as “two separate groups on two separate journeys.” Logan is having second thoughts about throwing in his lot with Rachel — no surprise there — and Rachel gets information about “disturbing” things being said.
You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, catch me on Twitter or chat on my Facebook page.
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