Bachelorette No. 1 gets her man. No. 2? To be continued

I can’t be mad at Clare Crawley for blowing up “The Bachelorette.”

Let’s be honest, how many more dates between her and men not named Dale did you really want to sit through, especially with everybody stuck in the bubble at La Quinta Resort? I hate to say it, but I miss helicopters and hot tubs in the middle of nowhere.

And yes, I know that new Bachelorette Tayshia Adams still has her own “journey” to go through, but at least she’s starting with 16 men, not 30 or more. She’ll have them whittled down in no time . . . er, well, she won’t be as quick as Clare.

Yes, Clare, the oldest Bachelorette in franchise history, turned out to be the speediest too. In just four episodes she went from Night 1 “I think my husband’s in this room” boilerplate to a proposal from the man of her dreams. Dale Moss, the former pro football player who had her in a tizzy straight out of the limo, put a ring on it in Thursday’s episode and, as far as I know right now, they’re still engaged.

When we all congratulated ABC on installing a more mature woman as the star of the franchise, obviously none of us expected this outcome, but Clare’s maturity had a lot to do with it (and to be clear, I’m not saying that 39 is old). When you get to a certain age, when you’ve had enough crappy experiences in your love life and you meet someone who ticks all the boxes, you’re not playing; you want to get on with it.

So Clare got on with it.

After last week‘s group date in which Clare declined to give anyone a rose, host Chris Harrison showed up at her door for a “we need to talk” chat. “The path we’re on right now, we can’t continue,” he said.

Clare admitted she’d been creeping Dale’s social media after filming first shut down due to COVID-19, although she swore on her father’s grave there had been no contact. But she learned that she and Dale had things in common: the loss of a beloved parent (her dad, his mom), a family member in a care facility (his sister, her mother). “I feel like Dale is my match,” Clare told Harrison.

“You spent your whole life looking for someone that’ll remind you of your dad. Is Dale that man?” Harrison asked.

“I think he is,” Clare said, tearing up. Even Harrison had to wipe his eyes.

“Congratulations, you’ve just blown up ‘The Bachelorette,'” he said.

It was a little more complicated than that, of course. First Clare had to find out whether Dale felt the same way she did. That night, in place of the cocktail party and rose ceremony the other men had been expecting, Dale and Clare had their first one-on-one date.

I won’t repeat the whole conversation — although I thought it was kind of cool that they both shared stories about their fathers having to hitchhike to go see their mothers when they met them — the bottom line was that they admitted to falling in love with each other.

There was much smooching, some slow dancing to live music (Chris and Bri from “Listen to Your Heart,” yay!) and then they retired to Clare’s suite, a.k.a. the fastest fantasy suite in the history of the franchise.

Chris Harrison wasn’t playing either. Once he had confirmed that all was well in Clare and Dale land, Harrison was resolute: there was going to be a proposal and it was going to be that night.

Skeptical? Hell yeah. I think we all felt how Neil Lane’s face looked when Harrison FaceTimed him and said, “I need to get the ring today.”

The other guys weren’t buying it either when Clare fessed up that she had found the love of her life in Dale. “I’m really nervous for her, I think she’ll get hurt in the end,” said Hamilton, Ontario wildlife manager Blake Moynes — who was also annoyed that he bought a book on dementia and Alzheimer’s so he could talk to Clare about her mom and it was all for naught.

But seriously, it did seem crazy to think that Dale was really going to propose. Even Clare seemed doubtful. And as she stood on a terrace in a long white dress waiting for Dale to arrive, Harrison walked over with a concerned look on his face and said, “There’s something I need to tell you.” Oh no.

Cut to Blake and Kenny hanging by the pool, speculating that Dale wasn’t ready to get engaged. Then back to Harrison: “I just want to say, we are so proud of you.”

Meanest fakeout or what?

I’m sure Clare forgave him, because Dale did it: he got down on one knee, he asked Clare to marry him, he put the ring on her finger. I don’t know if it will last, but it’s been a crap year and a particularly shitty week, so hell yeah, I’ll take a happy ending.

“I’ve waited a lot of years for this,” she said — which if you’ll permit me one quibble, makes me wonder what we watched when Quebec’s Benoit Beausejour-Savard get down on one knee during a “Bachelor Winter Games” tell-all special, but never mind. Clare and Dale were happy; the other 16 guys not so happy, particularly after Harrison came to tell them that Clare and Dale had left the resort as an engaged couple.

But wait, there’s more: they could go home and lick their wounds (although with the possible exception of Jason, who really seemed to bond with Clare on their one-on-one, how invested could these guys have been after just a couple of weeks?) or they could put on their suits and prepare to continue their “journey.” And they had just hours to make up their minds.

Despite the grumbling from fellows like Blake and Riley about how into Clare they had been, all 16 guys made their way to the party room, even Jason, to meet “your new Bachelorette.”

And yes, the franchise’s worst kept non-secret was finally confirmed when Tayshia Adams stepped out of a limo, looking absolutely gorgeous. After Harrison assured her she wasn’t being punked we saw her head toward the men . . . “to be continued.”

So yep, we’ll have to wait till next week to see who Tayshia sparks with and what the hell Harrison means when he says “Everything is about to change.” And oh yeah, Clare and Dale will be back to “tell all.”

“The Bachelorette” airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Citytv. Feel like chatting about “Bachelorette”? Come visit my Facebook page. You can also follow me on Twitter @realityeo