Bloated ‘Bachelorette’ finale ends with just one engagement

Tuesday’s “Bachelorette” finale was supposed to be the most dramatic ever, but it reminded me of a sitcom.

It’s not that I think there was anything funny about Rachel’s breakup with Tino, or the way he kept trying to make his cheating her fault, but tell me you didn’t watch his tortured attempts to explain away his transgression and think of the “We were on a break” plot line from “Friends.” (If you never watched the show, one character slept with someone else and tried to justify it to his girlfriend by saying repeatedly, “We were on a break.”)

As for Jesse Palmer’s claim that this would be the most shocking finale ever? Give me a break. The dirt on Tino kissing another woman and splitting with Rachel was on social media days ago, as was the intel about Erich’s texts to a woman he’d dated just before he came on “The Bachelorette.”

But, at this point, I don’t feel like I can take anything about this franchise seriously.

We endured more than five hours of a finale — two and a bit last week, three on Tuesday — that could easily have wrapped in the usual two hours, plus a one-hour “After the Final Rose,” all so ABC could sell as many ads as possible. And we were sold a bill of goods about how unprecedented it was going to be to make the boring filler easier to swallow. But I’m still choking on it, personally.

What did we get for our extra time on Tuesday? Endless, obvious questions from Jesse to Gabby and, especially, Rachel; commentary and advice from the three past Bachelorettes and one Bachelor (and wife) in the audience; the introduction of the next Bachelor (ho hum, it’s Zach Shallcross), followed by Zach “starting his journey” live onstage with awkward introductions to five (mostly blond) contestants; a ridiculous interactive stunt in which viewers voted on Twitter to award one of the women a rose; an extended “Bachelor in Paradise” promo.

I suppose we can take a couple of wins from the night: Gabby’s and Rachel’s friendship is as tight as ever, and Gabby got engaged to Erich and was still with him as of Tuesday night.

As for all that nonsense about how we’d never seen anything on a finale before like Tino’s and Rachel’s breakup? Well, we have, even though the circumstances were different, if you count Arie Luyendyk Jr. dumping Becca on camera post-proposal. And that was worse because Becca was blindsided for the purpose of making “good” TV.

On Tuesday, we were more than nine minutes into the “live” finale before we got a glimpse of the actual finale — you know, the stuff that happened in Mexico — picking up from last week with Gabby upset that Erich didn’t seem ready to propose. But then she went back to his suite, and they kissed and made up, and agreed that they wanted to work things out.

Next up was Rachel’s last evening in Mexico with Tino, when she spilled the beans that Tino had won, essentially — to which he had a curious non-reaction — but who even cares? Even if you hadn’t read last week’s tabloid gossip you could tell from the expressions on Rachel’s and Big Tony’s faces in the insets at the bottom of the screen that it wasn’t going to end well.

After yet more time-wasting filler we got to Proposal Day.

Tino proposed to Rachel, blah blah blah, although I guess you can find some grim humour in Rachel telling Tino how “selfless and gentle and supportive” he was. Vowing to love Rachel forever, Tino put a Neil Lane ring on it and they trotted off on a horse as the studio audience applauded.

So what happened then?

Rachel told Jesse that she and Tino had been having “difficulties” in their post-show relationship and then Tino “cheated” on her, by kissing another woman at a bar.

Look, stuff happens. Kissing someone else isn’t necessarily a hill to die on. What did seem shady was that Tino tried to keep Rachel from finding out and then, when he got caught, tried to justify it during their on-camera meet-up by reading a bunch of supposedly incriminating quotes from Rachel he kept in his journal.

Rachel said the quotes were all taken out of context, and they flat out disagreed about whether or not Rachel had said she wanted to give her engagement ring back. Tino claimed he thought they were “pretty much done.”

“Never once did we ever say we are broken up, we are not engaged,” Rachel protested.

The most telling moments came when Tino ducked into the backyard — he did that twice — and complained to a producer that Rachel was throwing him under the bus and making him look bad. These do not seem like the words of a man who’s going to love a woman until the end of time.

Still, Tino claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to Rachel, but she took off the ring and that was that.

When Tino finally made it into the hot seat on the live part of the finale, he started out by saying how sorry he was and how he wanted to own his actions, but then he ruined it by alluding to something he and Rachel had discussed in private that she said was “deeply personal.” What it was, we don’t know, but apparently something you don’t want discussed in front of a live studio audience.

Maybe Tino genuinely loved Rachel or at least thought he did, but his way of trying to communicate that was abysmal. In fact, as a couple, their communication skills were dysfunctional AF based on what we saw on Tuesday night.

But the fact that Tino came off as more concerned about how he looked than Rachel’s feelings doesn’t justify the stunt the producers pulled on him.

After Rachel and Tino wrapped up their confrontation, Jesse announced that someone was demanding to talk to Rachel. Her runner-up, Aven, strolled onstage and invited Rachel to leave with him to “catch up.” “I would love nothing more” Rachel exclaimed before she and Aven walked backstage to chat, leaving Tino to just stand there confused as Jesse broke for commercial, making glib comments about how “awkward” and “weird” the situation was.

Yes, it was awkward as hell and obviously the only ones demanding that Aven speak to Rachel at that very moment were the producers, just so they could have a “gotcha” moment.

Finally it was time for Gabby’s ending. And despite all the drama about whether or not Erich was going to propose he did indeed get down on one knee, telling Gabby, “It’s you and me until the wheels fall off.”

So did they fall off? That was the question.

As Gabby and Erich cuddled on the hot seat, Jesse brought up text messages that Erich sent to a woman he was dating before filming started, saying basically that he didn’t think the show was real, but he was going on it to figure out what else to do with his life.

Erich did a better job than Tino of expressing his regret, saying he hadn’t seen a long-term future with the other woman, had led her on and had taken the cowardly way out by using the show as an excuse to end the relationship.

Gabby said he’d told her about the text messages long before they came out on social media, that they had “hard” conversations about them, but it helped improve their communication. And even though “you were kind of an asshole to her,” Gabby was standing by her man.

And that’s good enough for me. They seemed genuinely happy on Tuesday night; I liked the playful, humorous way they related to each other; and Grandpa John is “tickled pink” about the match. So let’s just leave them the hell alone and let them get on with their lives.

And that’s it. I don’t have anything that I feel like writing about Zach, beyond that he was the boring, predictable choice for the next Bachelor. I was Team Ethan or Team Aven — well, I was before I knew Aven was going to try to rekindle things with Rachel. Although he might not really be trying to rekindle things with Rachel. That might just be producer nonsense. And we do know that she’s on “Bachelor in Paradise” because we saw her in the promo, so maybe she hooked up with someone there?

Speaking of “Bachelor in Paradise,” although I am eager to watch along with you all, I won’t be doing any recaps until mid-October. I am going on my first real vacation since 2019 and will be in a different time zone as of the middle of next week, so I won’t even be tweeting with y’all on show nights.

But if you’re planning to watch,  Citytv will have the first episode next Tuesday at 8 p.m. And as always, you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo