Host Jesse Palmer prepares for a night of nonsense on “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grab Craig Sjodin/ABC

Monday’s “The Bachelorette: Men Tell All” not only jumped the shark — it climbed on its back and did laps in a pool of man tears and pasta sauce.

What the hell was that?

It’s not that I was expecting fireworks. The men got along too well for that, plus the two contestants who displayed the most misogynistic behaviour — Chris Austin and Hayden Markowitz — were absent.

But I wasn’t expecting the usual inanities to be padded with so much filler, including a promo for Virgin Voyages, complete with free champagne and free cruises for everyone in the audience; an extended promo for “Bachelor in Paradise” with four cast members invited to the hot seat; an even more extended promo for the gay rom-com “Bros” with stars Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane onstage, culminating in Meatball dumping a giant jar of pasta sauce all over himself — because it wasn’t gross enough when he did it earlier in the season.

Meanwhile, poor Aven’s hometown date — “unfinished business,” as host Jesse Palmer called it — got 13 or 14 minutes at the top of the episode before the show moved on to, well, not much of anything.

Aven and Rachel get a love spell in the Crow Haven Corner witch shop.

About Aven’s date with Rachel in Salem, Massachusetts: naturally there had to be something witchcraft-related, so we had a segment involving a “love witch” named Lorelei (with the best accent ever) casting a love spell for Aven and Rachel that ended with the table top and candles sliding to the floor. A bad omen? Not for the meet-the-parents part of the date.

Rachel, still smarting from last week‘s smackdown from Tino’s parents, was nervous that Aven’s folks wouldn’t like her since they hadn’t been keen on his previous two girlfriends. But, unlike Joe and Sandi, A.J. and Dawn managed to ask Rachel tough questions without belittling her and her emotions.

Rachel reassured skeptical A.J. that she and Aven had talked about what real life would look like beyond the show, including raising kids and accommodating each other’s jobs. And when A.J. asked if she was “earnestly, sincerely, wholeheartedly ready to commit to love with Aven,” she answered honestly that she was not, although she did see a future with him.

Both A.J. and Dawn were sold. “Don’t stop fighting for her, man, because she’s a good catch,” A.J. told Aven.

Aven took the advice, telling Rachel he was falling in love with her, which seemed to delight her. She said in her voice-over that she felt like she was falling in love with Aven, too. “This could be my happy ending.”

We know that Aven at least made it to the fantasy suites, since Jesse told us that Rachel and Gabby each kept their remaining three men (Aven, Tino and Zach for Rachel; Erich, Jason and Johnny for Gabby) at the rose ceremony. No surprise there since there are always three fantasy suite dates, hence no need to send anyone home. But surely producers could have taken a couple of minutes away from shilling for Virgin or “Bros” to show us the rose ceremony.

What can I say about what happened after that?

Well, we had newly platinum blond Roby (insert your “Twilight”/”Harry Potter”/”House of the Dragon” reference here) acting like he’d been on the show for weeks instead of hours, chastising Meatball for rejecting Rachel’s rose then deciding he liked her after all. “If you’re more into Rachel, then say that, be that, do that, man up. Have some balls, Meatball!” (Do you think he rehearsed that?)

When Ethan tried to interject and Roby told him to shut the fuck up, Ethan put him in his place: ” You were there at the mansion for four hours for a reason, have some respect for the rest of us who had genuine feelings,” i.e. don’t be a baby back bitch!

Logan Palmer in the luke warm seat on “Men Tell All.”

With neither Chris nor Hayden there to fall on their swords — “cowardly,” Mario said of Hayden’s absence — we had to settle for the other men rehashing what they said and did. But Logan was there, trying to look contrite so we won’t all hate him when we see him on “Paradise.”

Blah, blah, blah, Logan was following his heart. He didn’t intentionally mislead Rachel. He wasn’t sorry he pursued Gabby; he just wished he’d done it in “a more graceful way.”

Not a word was spoken about how he became the only one of the men to get COVID-19 on the cruise ship (allegedly) and why he disappeared without an exit interview.

And then we had the Virgin Voyages plug and the cruise giveaway that Jesse said was “going to change your lives forever.” It’s a vacation, Jesse. At least Oprah gave her audience cars, which could in theory be life-changing.

Jesse gave Nate Mitchell a chance to address social media allegations of being a playa.

Next up, Nate got the “new Bachelor” edit.

Look, I really enjoyed Nate on the show. I was sorry he got sent home. And he was a model of empathetic, emotionally intelligent manhood in his time in the hot seat with Jesse. But is that enough to overcome the taint of a cheating accusation on social media? I’m not convinced.

“Real men hold other men accountable,” Nate said of Chris earlier in the show. Jesse duly asked Nate to address the social media allegations that a) he kept his daughter a secret from a woman he had an 18-month relationship with and b) he dated two women at once.

Nate blamed the trauma of his divorce for him wanting to protect his daughter from “the instability of my dating life” and said he was “deeply sorry for the way I acted” in the case of the two women, adding, “I pray that you forgive the man that I was because I’m not that same person.”

I would have loved a deeper dive into that apology. How unstable was his dating life? What made him change? Did he get therapy? But nah, got to make sure we have enough time for games with the cast of “Bros.”

Next we had the “Bachelor in Paradise” promo, with cast members Serene (Clayton’s season), Genevieve (ditto), Victoria (Peter’s season) and Andrew (Katie’s season) there to assure that it really will be “the most dramatic season” ever. I’m still pissed that Shanae will be there but OK, fine, I’ll be watching.

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia, still as close-knit as ever.

Finally, Rachel and Gabby made their appearance. Their friendship continues to be the best thing about this season.

Sure, Gabby put Mario in his place when he suggested she did him wrong; Jordan V absolved Rachel of any guilt over sending him home on their first date; Gabby accepted an apology from a choked up Jacob for telling her he would have gone home if she was the only woman there; Rachel got a tepid non-apology from Logan and was assured of the undying admiration of hometown castoff Tyler, who told her she did everything “perfectly”; and Gabby commended Nate for being “a leader for all the men and for how well you treat women.” (Another sign that Nate is likely going to be the next Bachelor.)

But Gabby’s and Rachel’s obvious affection and respect for each other was the real payoff. “You need to know just how proud I am of the two of you,” Jesse told them, which was the most sensible thing he said all night.

Finally, Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane took the stage to promote their movie “Bros.” Billy, of course, is the dude who told Colton Underwood during his season he might be the “first gay Bachelor” a couple of years before Colton came out.

Jesse Palmer demonstrates the correct reaction to Meatball getting doused in pasta sauce . . . again.

Billy’s other moment of Bachelor franchise infamy involved presenting a special gift to Meatball of a giant jar of pasta sauce to pour over himself and then getting tackled by a slimy Meatball.

And if this franchise thinks stupid stunts like that are what the show’s fans want, shark-jumping is going to be a regular occurrence.

We continue to plod toward what Jesse claims is going to be a “shocking ending nobody is gonna see coming.” But first, fantasy suites and more tears.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, catch me on Twitter or chat on my Facebook page.