You know that old saying “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”? Substitute beach bed for bush and you’ve kind of got the theme of this week’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”
As chill as it seems at Camp Paradise — and the vibe is definitely more laidback than on the American show — there is just a titch of strategy involved in this dating game.
This week’s rose givers are next week’s rose receivers, after all. So if you’re going to double dip — I’m looking at you Chris and Brendan M — best do it in a way that doesn’t piss off the person you’re counting on to buy you a few more days of sun and sand.
You’ll recall that last week‘s end-of-episode drama was about Chris ditching Stacy at the cocktail party so he could explore his “connection” with Caitlin, pissing off both Stacy and Kamil, who’d been attached to Caitlin at the lip for the better part of the episode.
The cliffhanger, if you will, was about who would get Chris’s rose. So it goes without saying that on Sunday Chris was ahead of Kamil in the rose ceremony order, just to stoke the illusion he might give it to Caitlin instead of Stacy — although Caitlin was very clear that she didn’t want it.
Well, duh, of course Chris gave the rose to Stacy and Stacy took it, with a caveat: “I do want to make this clear that after today’s events I will no longer be pursuing where this goes,” i.e. I’ll take your rose now, but then you can stuff it where the sun don’t shine.
I love Stacy!
Five of the roses were locked in: Brendan S gave his to Illeana, Brendan M to Angela, Joey to Vay, Jeremy to Kit and Kamil to Caitlin. The only mystery was David, who had to choose between Ana — a woman he barely knew but whom he’d at least kissed — and Lisa, whom he knew a little too well since she was still pissed about him ghosting her three years ago.
I honestly thought Lisa was a goner, but I guess I underestimated the power of producer suggestion. David said he was giving his rose to “someone who I feel has had a rough go and I’m hoping by giving her another week she can find what she’s looking for.” Lisa accepted it as an “apology rose.”
When Ana left, David cried, but neither she nor Lisa had any sympathy for him. Ana said he was just trying to redeem himself and Lisa said he was “trying to save face so he doesn’t look like a complete D-bag.”
Wow, tough crowd!
The next day, Chris had shifted from talking about how he had a right to his “process” to saying he’d made “some mistakes.” Ya think? And his mood was about to get glummer because here came a new cast member whom even the other men described as a Greek god — although Alex Bordyukov of “The Bachelorette” and “Bachelor in Paradise Australia” is actually Russian-American.
Alex had a date card, naturally, and Lisa pounced on him before he could even finish saying that he wanted to talk to all the girls.
“Lisa is a sweetheart but my goodness, if the girl would just try less,” Joey said. “Too desperate, too thirsty: guys can read it from a mile away.”
Also, her conversational approach needed polish. She started by telling Alex her time in Paradise had been stressful then pointing out who was already coupled up, and then Stacy, also unattached but perhaps a bit less thirsty, interrupted before Lisa could tell Alex anything about herself.
In any event, he chose Kit for the date and they went canoeing. They didn’t seem to connect in any significant way. Kit was smitten with Alex’s vocabulary and how smart he seemed, but we didn’t see them kiss.
Back at the beach, Chris asked Stacy to talk, but if he had any hope in hell of getting a second chance with her, she quickly shot that down.
Chris claimed his chat with Caitlin had been about clearing the air with her so he could move forward with Stacy without distractions.
Stacy wasn’t buying that, nor is anyone else, I suspect.
“This is too much drama too early on for me to want to dabble in something I was not 100 per cent sure on,” Stacy said.
“Let’s hug it out, let’s be friends,” she added and the look on Chris’s face over her shoulder was one of pure dread.
Chris’s really bad day was about to get even worse. There was another new arrival: Mike Ogilvie from “The Bachelorette Canada,” a.k.a. “Eight-pack Mike,” according to Chris.
Lisa took another swing and a miss with Mike; it was Stacy he zeroed in on. Turns out they had met and gone dancing in Vancouver, and Mike wanted to pick up where they left off. So did Stacy.
They went on a wood-chopping and s’mores date, and I am shipping these two so hard — especially after they shared a s’more “Lady and the Tramp” style, and Mike got marshmallow on his chin and Stacy wiped it off as they laughed. They are adorable together.
Mike told Stacy she was a shining light in a “world full of fakeness and negativity.” Then they had a good long smooch.
So I wasn’t feeling it the next day when Brendan M took Stacy for a conversation that ended up on a beach bed, with Brendan shirtless. Brendan said he was confused about his relationship with Angela because he still had feelings for both Angela and Stacy, but he didn’t want to be “attached by the hip” to Angela like Brendan S and Illeana. Although he described Angela as potential “wifey material.” Seriously? Wifey? OK-ey.
Brendan M claimed he didn’t want to have his cake and eat it too, but from Angela’s perspective it sure looked like he was chowing down on cake.
“I feel disrespected. I feel like he’s making me look stupid,” Angela said.
Luckily for her, a new man arrived who was totally Angela’s type: Josh Guvi, a filmmaker, actor and model from Vancouver.
Mind you, it looked like the third time might be the charm for Lisa, who bonded with Josh over their “Star Wars” fandom. He also seemed impressed that she made her living as a cos player. But then Angela swooped in, complimenting Josh’s dimples and flirting over his sideline as a fitness model.
Sorry Lisa. Angela and Josh went on a sort of adult version of a bouncy castle date with a couple of trampolines tethered to a blow-up raft. They did, as the date card said, bounce. They also kissed.
I’m not sure Brendan M could see that from shore, but he was feeling “a little jealous.” So, like, you mean the way Angela felt watching you with Stacy? Shoe’s on the other foot and all that.
There was one last bit of drama on the beach involving Kamil, Caitlin, Vay and Joey.
I’m not sure if Kamil is jealous or just incredulous that Vay pivoted to Joey so quickly after Kamil threw her off for Caitlin.
When Kamil and Vay ended up at the bar together, he told Vay he knew “in real life” she wouldn’t go for Joey.
“Who would you see me with?” Vay asked.
“No one that’s available right now,” said Kamil, adding, “It is very early. Nothing’s set in concrete.”
That sure sounded like a hint that if Caitlin wasn’t in the picture Kamil would be Vay’s guy.
Vay perceived it as Kamil “mindfucking” her, which she shared with Jeremy, who — because he’s in a bromance with Joey and also because it’s good for drama — shared it with him.
Saddle up cowboy! We were meant to think violence would ensue when Joey charged over to demand that Kamil stop talking shit about Joey and Vay. Even Jeremy seemed to think it was a possibility, clutching at Joey’s arm and urging him to “Use your words.”
That impression was stoked further by Joey’s speech about how a stud horse in the pasture (him) would come to the defence of a mare (Vay) who was being scared by a coyoot (Kamil). “That stud’s gonna come through. And I’ll tell you what’s gonna be left of the face of the coyoot. Not so much,” he said.
In actual fact, Kamil and Joey had nothing more than a testy verbal exchange, which resulted in Kamil passively aggressively claiming he had no issue with the “space cowboy” and Joey telling Kamil, “Buddy, don’t start chirpin'” before he walked away.
The other conflict involved Caitlin’s continued fear that Vay was making a play for Kamil, Vay’s unease with Caitlin’s dislike of her and Caitlin’s annoyance that Kamil was getting in the middle of their beef.
So Caitlin and Vay had a one-on-one of their own during which Caitlin admitted she was pissed that Vay took Kamil on a date and also said she didn’t respect the way Vay handled “a lot of situations” in the workplace.
I’d love to have heard more about that part, but instead Caitlin concluded with something namby-pamby about how she wanted both herself and Vay “to have a happy time here and find our person.”
Next week: Chris tries to find redemption in a friendship rose from Lisa; Kamil decides to imitate his dog and mark his territory; Caitlin feels pushed “to the wayside”; Angela admits to Brendan Morgan that Josh gave her “a smooch” (um, sorry sweetie, it was more than one); Illeana gets kissy with Alex, prompting Brendan Scanzano to say he’ll leave.
You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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