PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC
Is itching the same as pain? I have no freakin’ idea, but I can tell you what is painful: watching these last few episodes of “Bachelor in Paradise” Season 8.
A protracted argument between Aaron and Genevieve about whether itching is a low level form of pain — yeah, you can’t make this stuff up — was just one example of the aimless silliness cluttering this week’s two episodes.
Things started off Monday night with a funereal vibe as everyone on the beach continued mourning the departure of Rodney. Look, I think Rodney is great, too. I was disappointed that Eliza gave him a rose and then changed her mind the morning after, but that happened last week so why the heck were we still seeing everyone moping around?
I’m not saying they didn’t mope around but, you know, editing.
To add insult to injury, we were forced to watch footage of Eliza in Baltimore — you are correct, that’s nowhere near Paradise — trying to rekindle her great love, um, I mean her three-day romance with Justin.
And Justin turned her down!
Yeah, she showed up at his door, poured into a pair of jeans and a cute bustier, and he blew her off since she had picked Rodney over him at the rose ceremony!
“I flew across the country for you, I’ve only known you for three days,” Eliza complained after she made her exit.
Sorry Eliza, but that’s on you, as well as on the “Bachelor in Paradise” producers who wasted money and viewers’ time going off resort to pursue a potential love story that nobody gave a crap about.
And then we got back to the beach just in time to see the first of the new women arrive. And I know it’s not uncommon for new arrivals so late in the season but really, what the hell is the point?
First up was Mara from Clayton’s Bachelor season, who likes comparing herself to marinara sauce — because it’s spicy, I guess? Whatever.
She showed up with a date card and a bushel of overconfidence and settled on twin Justin since everybody else she talked to blew her off. This did not sit well with Justin’s current older woman, Florence, who at 31 is two years younger than Mara. Especially after Mara rubbed Flo’s face in it pre-date by boasting, “I just took a shot of tequila and I’m feeling all kinds of ready.”
“Battle of the cougars,” Victoria called it. And I’m sorry, but 30-somethings are not cougars. And why don’t we have a similar name for all the older men out there who chase younger women?
Mara and Justin went on one of those disgusting dates where the participants rub food all over each other’s bodies and thanks Bachelor in Paradise, you’ve now ruined churros for me.
There was some smooching to go with the chocolate sauce but the next day, just as Florence was packing up to leave, Justin decided he preferred her to Mara, which made Mara cry and really? Turning each other into human doughnuts does not a romance make.
On the other hand, Flo, I’m sure you could do much better, too, but she stayed.
And speaking of older women and younger men, beats me why the show is devoting so much time to Kate and Logan, who have about as much chance of forming a lasting relationship as I do of getting through an episode without rolling my eyes.
Kate was still moaning about Logan not being at her level financially. “He drives an orange Honda, he has a broken phone, he’s a dog walker,” she whined.
And listen, if she wants a man to bring home the bacon, fine, but why is she looking on a crab-infested beach in Sayulita, Mexico? I mean, the average contestant age in Paradise is not indicative of a cast full of self-made millionaires.
I actually feel bad for Logan at this point — and he was far from my favourite on Rachel’s and Gabby’s Bachelorette season — because he can’t seem to do anything right for Kate. She said she wants to be “wowed” and was still bellyaching that Logan didn’t forbid her from going on a date with that drip Hayden.
“It feels like you look down on me in some way,” Logan told her at one point in a rare moment of perception.
“I don’t at all,” lied Kate.
Somehow, they still wanted to be with each other but not for lack of sabotage attempts by the devious Bachelor producers.
Two new women came to the beach: Ency and Lyndsey from Clayton’s season — and why are there so many contestants from one of the worst Bachelor seasons ever?
Ency zeroed in on Andrew and, despite the fact she was sent home in Week 2 of “The Bachelor,” he knew who she was, so I guess she was on his list. To Jessenia’s consternation, he agreed to go on a date.
Lyndsey had worse luck but accomplished the goal of stirring up more unease between Logan and Kate.
Logan didn’t say an outright no to Lyndsey’s date card, telling her he had to talk to Kate first, and Kate was “spinning out.” But they got back to hugging and kissing and Lyndsey left because, unlike Mara, she can take a hint.
But before Logan could get comfortable in his ongoing discomfort with Kate, ex-Bachelorettes Rachel and Gabby showed up. Why? Apparently just so they could trash talk Logan.
Like I said, I was never one of Logan’s biggest fans, but by this stage Kate had spent more time with Logan than Rachel and Gabby combined, so what right did they have to cast aspersions on him?
You might recall Logan was Team Rachel on “The Bachelorette,” then switched to Team Gabby and then disappeared without a trace, allegedly due to getting COVID. “I don’t respect Logan. I don’t think Logan has changed. What are you gonna do?” Rachel challenged Kate.
Well, we had to wait a bit to find out because first we had to endure yet another argument between Aaron and Genevieve, which resulted in Genevieve once again packing her bags and trying to leave.
The crux of it was a disagreement about whether itching is a low level form of pain and I can’t even. I will leave the commentary to other people.
Florence: “I just hope it’s not about an STD.”
Wells: “I feel like this place is making me dumber.”
Bruce, the boom operator: “I’ll tell you what’s causing me pain is having to keep listening to this argument.”
Kudos to whoever showed footage of a raccoon scratching itself and superimposed the word “Ouch.”
Speaking of ouch, once Aaron had gone to once again waylay Genevieve on her way out, he said, “I know when you’re not emotional you are very sweet and you’re very nurturing, and there’s a reason I fell in love with you. When you’re emotional it just takes over everything.”
Red flag! Red flag! Red flag! Run, Genevieve, run!
But she stayed. Again.
In between all the fighting and fussing, we did get some reminders of what Paradise is allegedly about.
Michael and Danielle, while carefully avoiding use of the L-word, affirmed that they really care about each other.
Tyler and Brittany weren’t using the L-word either — at least not to each other’s faces — but they went on a date and they were so sweet together that I really hope they make it work post-Paradise.
And speaking of making it work after Paradise, ex-Bachelorette Becca Kufrin and her Paradise squeeze turned fiancé Thomas Jacobs waltzed in. In honour of the fact that Becca proposed to Thomas, there was going to be a 1990s-themed Sadie Hawkins dance, with the women inviting the men.
Kate claimed she still had to ascertain if Logan was a match long-term before asking him to the dance. And I don’t know how you determine such a thing with one conversation on the beach, but the next thing you know Kate was happy with Logan again.
I’m with Logan, it’s exhausting trying to keep up with Kate’s — dare I say? — flip-flopping.
And then it was time for fun, dancing, smooching! But you knew it wouldn’t last, right?
Jessenia decided she needed to clear the air with Andrew and who can blame her for wanting some so-called closure, especially since this was her second time caught in a Paradise love triangle (remember Chris and Alana from Season 7)?
Well, Ency, that’s who.
She interrupted Andrew’s and Jessenia’s talk, but Andrew replied, “I have to finish this conversation, give me a sec.”
Instead, Ency kept stewing then walked over a second time, peevishly telling Andrew, “I don’t know what validation you’re giving her, but I’m asking you to please walk away from this with me right now if you care to pursue anything with us.”
Whoa, slow your roll, Ency!
Andrew did not walk away, explaining that he wanted to be friends with Jessenia afterwards. Plus, if they’d stopped talking, we wouldn’t have heard him confess to Jessenia: “My heart’s still with someone else: Teddi.”
To be honest, I had kind of forgotten that Andrew was into Teddi way back at the start of Paradise, until she left because she had feelings for both Andrew and Rodney.
Should Andrew have left after Teddi left? He told Jessenia he stayed because he had “hope” of finding love with someone else. And since we have seen very little footage of Andrew and Jessenia together we have no idea whether or how much he might have led Jessenia on.
But Jessenia left and then Andrew pulled Ency aside to tell her, too, that he was still into Teddi and he couldn’t be in Paradise anymore. And Ency did not take it well.
She cried and grovelled and begged and held on to Andrew to try to prevent him from leaving. Honey, have some self-respect. You’ve known the guy how long?
But leave Andrew did and so did Ency, crying so hard that her words were unintelligible. Was it the booze cry-talking? Not sure.
Anyway, that’s it until next week’s “shocking two-night finale event.” Host Jesse Palmer has teased that someone might even get married on the beach.
You can watch next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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