PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, including screen shots, courtesy of Citytv
If you want to couple up you better pucker up.
Kissing is both currency and communication on a “Bachelor” show. You want to stick around and buy yourself air time? Start sucking face, buttercup.
It was too much for Alice Li, the winner of a contest in which Canadians chose the “Perfect Companion” — although one wonders how much the Toronto accountant, listed as one of the Bachelor Nation fan contestants, knew going into “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”
After kissing new arrival David — more on him later — she bowed out of a “Sadie Hawkins” dance that was such a smooch fest it must have set a record for a simultaneous “Bachelor” makeout sesh. It reminded me of an old-fashioned high school dance — if all the chaperones had suddenly gone blind or stopped giving a shit about their horny teenage charges.
Anyway, Alice eliminated herself the next day, explaining she was looking for “that emotional connection before any physical steps,” i.e. she wasn’t keen on kissing strangers.
It probably didn’t help that she went on a date with David Pinard, a Toronto actor and musician whose claim to fame on “The Bachelorette Canada” was giving the star the impression he was more interested in furthering his career than in her. Though David claimed to have turned over a new leaf, the rest of the Paradise cast wasn’t buying it.
“That was so fake,” Brendan Scanzano said after David teared up on hearing that Alice had left. “Get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me bro?” was Joey’s, ahem, measured reaction. David claimed he was going to give Alice his rose, this despite making it clear on their archery date that he wouldn’t put his eggs in anyone’s basket until he’d met “everyone” in Paradise.
And everyone included Ana, David’s date at the Sadie Hawkins — not Sadie Hopkins, Sarah Hoskins or Sarah Hopkins, by the way; it’s just a dance to which the women invite the men.
Before we get into who danced and smooched with whom (to Dean Brody’s “Canadian Summer” and OK, very Canadian, but must we ape the U.S. franchise’s country music fetish?), let’s back up and explore how last week‘s triangles resolved themselves, for the time being anyway.
You’ll recall that real estate agents Kamil and Caitlin were paired up until Caitlin’s real estate frenemy Vay arrived and took Kamil on a date, but then Caitlin snuggled with inventor Chris as a backup. Meanwhile, ex-CFL player Brendan Morgan was wooing both model Angela and interior design student Stacy.
Stacy decided to extricate herself from her triangle. Then Chris, after watching Caitlin in an intense kiss-a-rama with Kamil, decided to read the body language, er, the writing on the wall.
That’s about the time Stacy came around to check on Chris. Stacy said she was being a “friend,” but a teary-eyed Chris saw it as a sign from the Paradise gods. In fact, he told Stacy he’d wanted to meet her ever since seeing her on “Bachelor Canada.”
Inevitably, they kissed. Chris seemed to have upped his game a little from last week’s episode. Whereas Caitlin called Chris’s smooch “forced and a little unnatural,” Stacy said it “wasn’t bad.”
Not exactly high praise, but then again, Stacy seemed to have no problem locking lips with Chris on the beach as they slow danced.
And then there was Vay. Kamil at least had the courtesy to tell her he was vacating her for Caitlin before launching himself at Caitlin’s mouth. But Vay was having a hard time picturing herself as anybody’s second choice. “I already know I’m not your person. If you were my person, a connection with Caitlin wouldn’t stop that,” she told Kamil, a tad peevishly.
Vay then set her sights on Joey. I know, I know: Toronto glam girl and Alberta cowboy, who’d have thunk it? But they bonded when Joey opened up about his best friend who died when Joey was 14, coincidentally on April 27, Vay’s birthday. And also, they both liked the way the other kissed.
See, always back to the kissing.
So there were five matched sets going into the Sadie Hawkins, including Brendan S and Illeana, and Brenda M and Angela. That left David and Jeremy as the wildcards.
Once David had been claimed by Ana and Alice had bowed out, Jeremy had to decide between cos player Lisa and her roommate, model and content creator Kit. After kissing both of them he chose Kit, adding to what David ironically called Lisa’s “bad day.”
Why ironic? Because David was a big part of the reason she was having a bad day.
The deets as Lisa relayed them to bartender Kevin Wendt: she and David went on a bunch of dates in Toronto, then she got invited to an “adult summer camp” as an influencer and David asked to tag along, but once there ignored her, told everybody he was famous and had sex with someone else. And that was the last time she spoke to him in the three years until he walked up to the Paradise bar.
David, Lisa said, “is like a used greasy car salesman . . . You won’t find out what a piece of crap you just paid for until it’s too late.”
David’s version was that Lisa wanted more than he could give and he tried to apologize after things ended in a way that “wasn’t the best,” but she wouldn’t respond to his overtures. FYI: I don’t think anyone believed his version, except maybe Ana.
Sadly, David was Lisa’s only chance at getting a rose — and no, after two episodes we still haven’t had a rose ceremony!
As weird as it would be to accept a rose from David, I’d be here for it if it meant Lisa could stick around. She’s funny and quirky and we need both those things in Paradise.
The status of Lisa’s rose wasn’t the only drama brewing as the rose ceremony crept near.
I have no idea why Chris thought it a good idea to ditch Stacy to talk to Caitlin so he could “understand the connection” they had — well, fine, drama — but he interrupted Caitlin and Kamil to ask Caitlin if she was interested in exploring “what we had.”
Dude, you had a couple of conversations and a kiss, but OK, let’s roll with it.
“I feel like you might be looking for an answer that I don’t think I can give,” was Caitlin’s ultimate response, given while a peeved Kamil hovered.
Chris either has balls or he’s really good at taking producer direction because his next move was to approach Kamil to further stake his claim on Caitlin’s attention.
“Why are you coming for my girl?” Kamil asked.
“She’s not your girl,” Chris responded. “I have a very strong connection with Caitlin.”
“The connection is terminated,” said Kamil.
“I still feel something,” Chris argued.
“Chris, you can feel it for forever, but she’s not reciprocating that to you,” said an exasperated Kamil, following up with “What about Stacy?”
Chris walked away without answering Kamil’s repeated question — “Who ya gonna pick?” — and Kamil threw his drink in the sand. It wasn’t quite Aaron going nose to nose with Thomas and/or Ivan, and the drink glass was plastic, but we’ll take it.
So next week: a rose ceremony; comely new arrivals Alex Bordyukov, Mike Ogilvie and Josh Guvi as the women take the power of the rose; Brendan M waffling between Angela and Stacy . . . again; and Kamil pissing off Joey by suggesting that Vay’s too good for him.
You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv to see how it turns out. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
Recent Comments