Double Bachelorettes Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia. PHOTO CREDIT: Gizelle Hernandez/ABC

Let’s be honest, the relationship we care about the most this season of “The Bachelorette” is the one between its two stars, Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia.

But there couldn’t be a more apt metaphor for the shit that’s gonna get shovelled their way than host Jesse Palmer scooping up horse dung after beautiful Blanca, who carried in a shirtless dude named Jacob, dropped a load in the mansion driveway.

Mortgage broker Jacob pulls a Fabio with the help of Blanca.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

Gabby pretty much called it, “Boys are dumb.” Or at least indecisive. It looks like she and Rachel will relive a version of the nonsense they endured from Bachelor Clayton Echard, who you’ll recall — and I’m sorry to conjure up the memory — strung them both along with sex and protestations of love, then dumped them simultaneously.

The good news: Clayton’s shenanigans couldn’t tear these best friends apart so I’m guessing none of this season’s dudes will either. We saw plenty of tears in the season promo and both women talking about wanting to quit; we never saw them turn on each other and if ABC had that kind of footage don’t you think they’d be gleefully promoting the hell out of it?

Still, Jesse promised “the most shocking season of ‘The Bachelorette’ yet” and that’s not a good thing if you’re more interested in seeing mature adults fall in love than divisive drama. But really, what did we expect?

Gabby and Rachel weren’t made dual Bachelorettes because Mike Fleiss and his team knew how much fans loved them both and wanted to make us happy. No, having two women choose from the same pool of men is about trying to pit them against each other. Just imagine the possibilities if they fall for the same guy!

“I don’t trust men,” Gabby said. Me, I don’t trust “Bachelorette” producers.

But we’ll save the angst for later. Monday’s season premiere was a pretty congenial affair with a generous tone set by its two lovely leads, Gabby, a 31-year-old ICU nurse, and Rachel, a 26-year-old pilot and flight instructor, who supported each other every step of the way.

So much hugging and hand-holding and squeals of joy! I’m here for it.

It was almost enough to appease us for losing Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams as “Bachelorette” hosts — almost.

As for the 32 suitors, they were well behaved. No excess drunkenness, no trash talking, no playbooks on how to get screen time, no blatantly misogynistic remarks.

I wasn’t keen on Logan manhandling a couple of live chicks just so he could make a lame joke about Gabby and Rachel being “cute chicks,” but one of them got revenge by pooping in his hand — the chickens, not Rachel and Gabby.

Logan introduces Gabby and Rachel to Marybeth and Alejandra. Call the SPCA!

Cringiest limo exit was a tie between investment banker Jason and life coach Quincey. The former said that, like Clayton, he was in love with three women: his mom, his sister and his dog, and ewwww. Quincey said he hadn’t had sex in over a year to show how “intentional” he could be and, like, why did they need to know that?

Software developer Jordan H, meanwhile, had the cleverest shtick, bringing along wireless, noise-cancelling headphones so he could talk to Rachel and Gabby individually without the other one listening in. Props also to venture capitalist Spencer for bringing chairs so Gabby and Rachel could take a load off their high heels. And wedding photographer Alec, besides being a natty dresser, brought along a quartet to sing a song, the gist of which was “Clayton sucks.”

Alec brings his own musical accompaniment.

Aside from the hokey limo entrances, who are the standouts so far?

To be honest, with that many dudes it was hard to get a handle, which is why Rachel and Gabby chose to forgo a rose ceremony and keep 29 men into next week.

They made magician Roby disappear, along with 24-year-old twins Justin and Joey. Being the only three guys singled out for elimination must have sucked hard, but it was a fair call.

Luckily, our Bachelorettes chose very different first impression rose winners and didn’t swap spit with the same men. In fact, there was very little kissing considering the precedent set in other seasons.

Mario got Gabby’s first impression rose and her first kisses of the season.

Gabby’s first rose went to Mario, an affable personal trainer who danced his way out of the limo, but holy hell, did their kissing look awkward! Rachel’s smooching with Tino, a contractor whose forklift-driving skills she admired, was more palatable. He got her rose.

Gabby also kissed real estate analyst Erich, who also considered kissing Rachel, seemingly hedging his bets to get a first impression rose.

“I can see how this is gonna get complicated very quickly,” he said. Ya think?

Gabby also had good chemistry with investment director Ryan and she couldn’t stop looking at Jacob’s pecs, the Fabio wannabe with the horse. That’s just as well; paying attention to the list of attributes he was reading for his future wife might have otherwise bored her to tears.

Rachel had a sweet interaction with “leisure executive” Hayden, who made a hand-written card for her recent birthday. But she couldn’t figure out why neither sales exec Aven or drag racer Jordan V went in for a kiss. There was a fleeting knee grab by the first and the second held her hand, but that was it.

She and Gabby were both attracted to chick guy Logan, who hugged Rachel and bonded with Gabby over sneaking snacks into the cinema (hopefully nothing as big as the meatball sub that “meatball enthusiast” James brought with him).

But yeah, there’s still a lot of wheat to be separated from the chaff with this group. We’ll get another shot at figuring out who’s who next week.

It airs Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, catch me on Twitter or chat on my Facebook page.