costume on a Viking-themed group date. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC
Has there ever been a more perfect visual metaphor than Chris S dressed as a horse’s ass on Tuesday’s episode of “The Bachelorette”?
I’m hard pressed to think of one considering Chris spent his portion of the episode acting like a posterior.
Let’s review. Last week, Chris disrupted the cocktail party by telling Michelle Young that some guys, i.e. Nayte, thought they had it “in the bag,” primarily because Nayte commented that it wasn’t a question of if he got a one-on-one date but when.
Well, duh, Nayte was right: the first impression rose winner got Tuesday’s second one-on-one (Michelle’s fellow Minnesotan, Joe Coleman, got the first, more on that later).
The minute Chris realized that Nayte wasn’t on the group date card, he looked like he’d swallowed a lemon.
“I went out on a limb for her and told her the honest truth, which is what she wanted to hear and asked from everyone else in the house,” he told the producer-enabler on the other side of the camera, self-righteously tapping out his points with one of his fingers.
“Everything I said fell on deaf ears. The way things played out I feel like I got the short end of the stick.”
Well, he definitely got an end on the group date.
Chris, Casey, Rodney, Martin, Leroy, Rick, Clayton, Olu and Brandon met Michelle at the home of the Minnesota Vikings football team — yes, the group had relocated from Palm Springs to Michelle’s hometown of Minneapolis — where instead of the NFL Vikings they met three older dudes dressed up as ancient Vikings.
The date participants had to put on costumes and do things like yell really loudly, throw logs, eat disgusting fermented herring and arm wrestle. But all the guys except Chris got to dress more or less like Vikings; Chris, the least physically imposing man in the bunch, wore horse’s legs and hoofs with an inflatable horse rear end.
I’m thinking either the producers were having a laugh at Chris’s expense or trying to compound his humiliation so he’d go off the deep end. Having him arm wrestle the absolutely ripped Olu undoubtedly helped with that mission.
By the time the group segued to the after-party at the historic Semple Mansion, Chris was in full brood mode over the fact he didn’t get the one-on-one despite all the “good information” he’d given Michelle about Nayte. And he claimed he really wanted to talk to her about that but made no attempt to do so.
This was no doubt all part of the evil production plan, although Chris mouthed the word “Wow” when Michelle announced she was wrapping up the party despite not having spoken to Chris. (Clayton, who’d hulked his way into being declared a “true Viking” earlier in the day, got the date rose for telling Michelle about his admiration for his parents. As you know, Michelle is really into parents.)
Absurdly, despite having had a whole evening when he could have grabbed a few minutes of Michelle’s time, Chris decided to wait until the next day and interrupt her date with Nayte to say his piece.
Well, perhaps decided is the wrong word. He couldn’t have known where Michelle and Nayte were having dinner without production being on side, so whether he was goaded into living out his white saviour fantasy or was following a villain script (he is reportedly an aspiring actor) it obviously wasn’t entirely his idea.
Michelle and Nayte had been having a pretty deep discussion, with Michelle telling Nayte about a past relationship that was so toxic she couldn’t eat and thought she had a disease. They had just shared a kiss when Michelle looked over Nayte’s shoulder with a WTF expression on her face as Chris walked up to the table.
She agreed to step outside with Chris, who basically told her he was pissed she’d chosen Nayte over him, although he didn’t put it exactly like that.
“I came here to say I warned you and I don’t want you to make the wrong decision,” i.e. give a rose to Nayte, Chris told her.
With eloquence and far more patience than Chris deserved, Michelle told him she could make her own decisions.
“I do appreciate you wanting to look out for me but also, at the same time, I can speak for myself,” Michelle said. “And I want a man who’s going to stand and support me when I speak and not a man who’s going to speak for me.”
Also, “as a female of colour there’s a lot of situations where people speak for me and my voice isn’t heard.”
She made herself heard in this case. Telling Chris she didn’t see their “relationship” progressing, Michelle walked him as far as the top of the escalator and then returned to give Nayte the date rose, saying their chemistry “is undeniable, unlike anything that I’ve ever felt before.”
“I’m very crazy about Nayte,” Michelle said, adding that he was starting to feel like her person.
Besides, Nayte had already been approved by people with way more cred than Chris: Michelle’s two best friends. They joined Michelle and Nayte earlier in the day on a boat ride on Lake Minnetonka (note: Michelle, as she has all season, did the driving) and asked him allegedly hard questions. The first question was clearly a plant from production: “Is there anyone here that you think could be here for the wrong reasons?”
That gave Nayte an opening to talk about Chris S and explain that he didn’t really think he had it in the bag; he was just confident because he knew “there’s something going on” with Michelle.
Michelle’s friends clearly agreed, gushing about Michelle’s and Nayte’s “amazing natural chemistry.”
“I love the way you guys look at each other,” said Allie.
Let’s backtrack a bit and talk about Joe, the season’s other frontrunner.
For their date, Michelle took him on a walk down memory lane — after they’d stopped by a Minnesota Twins game where she threw out the first pitch and kissed Joe for the Jumbotron — visiting her old high school, where they smooched while towering over her old locker, admired her photo in the trophy case and played one-on-one basketball in the gym (yeah, she beat him; in a dress, she pointed out).
“I feel like Joe would have been my crush in high school,” Michelle said.
The main event came over dinner where Joe told Michelle how a college football injury had led to a couple of operations, getting seven screws and a plate in his left foot, and anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide when he couldn’t perform the same way on the basketball court and had to eventually quit the sport.
Michelle and Joe both shed tears.
“You give up so much for the sport that you love. To have something take you out of it before you’re ready to be taken out of it is a pain like not everyone will understand,” said Michelle, herself a former college basketball player.
Naturally Michelle gave Joe the date rose, saying her feelings for him had grown tremendously.
They finished the night with a smoochy Ferris wheel ride.
There were three roses already spoken for and five to give out going into the rose ceremony — yes, if you’re keeping track, we’re five for five in the rose ceremony to episode ratio.
The only thing you really need to know is that Martin had another bout of foot-in-mouth disease that I thought for sure was going to get his butt sent home.
First, he mentioned hearing Michelle give compliments to other men and wondering if she meant the ones she gave him.
“Do you think I would blow smoke up your ass?” asked Michelle. Uh, no.
Then Martin started yapping about women in Miami being high maintenance for allegedly expecting men to do everything for them.
Men, he said, don’t usually “go into a relationship saying ‘Hey, you’re gonna take care of me,'” which made Michelle laugh.
Excuse me, Martin, do you know any men?
And, then as the realization dawned that he was digging himself a hole, Martin told Michelle he knew she was different. Not exactly a convincing recovery.
Alas, he collected a rose along with Rick, Olu, Brandon and Rodney. Casey and Leroy went home.
I’m not entirely sure what next week will bring since the promo was about the rest of the season, but it looks like the other guys aren’t done targeting Nayte. Leave the Canadian guy alone, eh?
You can tune in next Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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