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Tag: Clayton Echard

2 Bachelorettes, 32 men, 3 kisses, 1 horse: let the games begin

July 12, 2022 /
Double Bachelorettes Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia. PHOTO CREDIT: Gizelle Hernandez/ABC

Let’s be honest, the relationship we care about the most this season of “The Bachelorette” is the one between its two stars, Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia.

But there couldn’t be a more apt metaphor for the shit that’s gonna get shovelled their way than host Jesse Palmer scooping up horse dung after beautiful Blanca, who carried in a shirtless dude named Jacob, dropped a load in the mansion driveway.

Mortgage broker Jacob pulls a Fabio with the help of Blanca.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

Gabby pretty much called it, “Boys are dumb.” Or at least indecisive. It looks like she and Rachel will relive a version of the nonsense they endured from Bachelor Clayton Echard, who you’ll recall — and I’m sorry to conjure up the memory — strung them both along with sex and protestations of love, then dumped them simultaneously.

The good news: Clayton’s shenanigans couldn’t tear these best friends apart so I’m guessing none of this season’s dudes will either. We saw plenty of tears in the season promo and both women talking about wanting to quit; we never saw them turn on each other and if ABC had that kind of footage don’t you think they’d be gleefully promoting the hell out of it?

Still, Jesse promised “the most shocking season of ‘The Bachelorette’ yet” and that’s not a good thing if you’re more interested in seeing mature adults fall in love than divisive drama. But really, what did we expect?

Gabby and Rachel weren’t made dual Bachelorettes because Mike Fleiss and his team knew how much fans loved them both and wanted to make us happy. No, having two women choose from the same pool of men is about trying to pit them against each other. Just imagine the possibilities if they fall for the same guy!

“I don’t trust men,” Gabby said. Me, I don’t trust “Bachelorette” producers.

But we’ll save the angst for later. Monday’s season premiere was a pretty congenial affair with a generous tone set by its two lovely leads, Gabby, a 31-year-old ICU nurse, and Rachel, a 26-year-old pilot and flight instructor, who supported each other every step of the way.

So much hugging and hand-holding and squeals of joy! I’m here for it.

It was almost enough to appease us for losing Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams as “Bachelorette” hosts — almost.

As for the 32 suitors, they were well behaved. No excess drunkenness, no trash talking, no playbooks on how to get screen time, no blatantly misogynistic remarks.

I wasn’t keen on Logan manhandling a couple of live chicks just so he could make a lame joke about Gabby and Rachel being “cute chicks,” but one of them got revenge by pooping in his hand — the chickens, not Rachel and Gabby.

Logan introduces Gabby and Rachel to Marybeth and Alejandra. Call the SPCA!

Cringiest limo exit was a tie between investment banker Jason and life coach Quincey. The former said that, like Clayton, he was in love with three women: his mom, his sister and his dog, and ewwww. Quincey said he hadn’t had sex in over a year to show how “intentional” he could be and, like, why did they need to know that?

Software developer Jordan H, meanwhile, had the cleverest shtick, bringing along wireless, noise-cancelling headphones so he could talk to Rachel and Gabby individually without the other one listening in. Props also to venture capitalist Spencer for bringing chairs so Gabby and Rachel could take a load off their high heels. And wedding photographer Alec, besides being a natty dresser, brought along a quartet to sing a song, the gist of which was “Clayton sucks.”

Alec brings his own musical accompaniment.

Aside from the hokey limo entrances, who are the standouts so far?

To be honest, with that many dudes it was hard to get a handle, which is why Rachel and Gabby chose to forgo a rose ceremony and keep 29 men into next week.

They made magician Roby disappear, along with 24-year-old twins Justin and Joey. Being the only three guys singled out for elimination must have sucked hard, but it was a fair call.

Luckily, our Bachelorettes chose very different first impression rose winners and didn’t swap spit with the same men. In fact, there was very little kissing considering the precedent set in other seasons.

Mario got Gabby’s first impression rose and her first kisses of the season.

Gabby’s first rose went to Mario, an affable personal trainer who danced his way out of the limo, but holy hell, did their kissing look awkward! Rachel’s smooching with Tino, a contractor whose forklift-driving skills she admired, was more palatable. He got her rose.

Gabby also kissed real estate analyst Erich, who also considered kissing Rachel, seemingly hedging his bets to get a first impression rose.

“I can see how this is gonna get complicated very quickly,” he said. Ya think?

Gabby also had good chemistry with investment director Ryan and she couldn’t stop looking at Jacob’s pecs, the Fabio wannabe with the horse. That’s just as well; paying attention to the list of attributes he was reading for his future wife might have otherwise bored her to tears.

Rachel had a sweet interaction with “leisure executive” Hayden, who made a hand-written card for her recent birthday. But she couldn’t figure out why neither sales exec Aven or drag racer Jordan V went in for a kiss. There was a fleeting knee grab by the first and the second held her hand, but that was it.

She and Gabby were both attracted to chick guy Logan, who hugged Rachel and bonded with Gabby over sneaking snacks into the cinema (hopefully nothing as big as the meatball sub that “meatball enthusiast” James brought with him).

But yeah, there’s still a lot of wheat to be separated from the chaff with this group. We’ll get another shot at figuring out who’s who next week.

It airs Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, catch me on Twitter or chat on my Facebook page.

Clayton’s Bachelor season ends with shock and righteous rage

March 16, 2022 /
“Bachelor” host Jesse Palmer with Rachel Recchia and Clayton Echard.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ ABC

Let’s tell it like it is Bachelor Nation: we are in an abusive relationship with the Bachelor franchise.

On Tuesday night — which really was the most dramatic Bachelor finale ever — we got emotionally pummelled watching Clayton, and the show, completely disrespect his final two.

Then, after the catharsis of seeing Gabby and Rachel call out Clayton’s bullshit, we had to watch him get the happy ending he didn’t deserve.

And then ABC pulled out the equivalent of a makeup gift and made both Gabby and Rachel the new Bachelorette.

You want to talk about a journey? That was a seriously messed up roller-coaster ride. It was insidious and infuriating, and we all know we’ll be right back in front of our TVs come the new “Bachelorette” season.

We began the night in Iceland, where Clayton had decided that Susie Evans was the woman for him after all, making an absolute mockery of his claim to love Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia too.

And it wasn’t just Gabby and Rachel who were disrespected. When Susie was summoned by host Jesse Palmer to meet with Clayton, she had to do it at his parents’ rented Airbnb. Like, Clayton didn’t have a hotel suite they could use?

Luckily, Susie and Clayton had their conversation outside. Also luckily, she didn’t mince words telling Clayton how he made her feel when he angrily and coldly dismissed her after she objected to him having sex with Rachel and Gabby, and telling both of them he loved them.

“It was humiliating if I’m being honest,” Susie said. “I felt like a stray dog that had come into your home and you were shooing me out.”

Clayton was so sorry, he didn’t mean what he said, he was just scared of losing her, it was out of character, blah, blah, blah. He asked Susie for another chance and she told him she had to think about it.

So let’s take stock. Just days after breaking up with Susie and essentially begging both Gabby and Rachel to stay — in Gabby’s case, against her better judgment — Clayton was about to break up with them because he now knew his heart was with Susie.

Are we seriously supposed to believe that his heart wasn’t with Susie in the days leading up to fantasy suites? How was Clayton just coming to this realization now?

All season he’d been acting like a kid in a candy store, except instead of sweets he was gorging on women. Were fantasy suites about getting his fill before he had to pick just one?

Rachel and Gabby react to Clayton telling them his heart belongs to Susie.

To add insult to injury, Clayton broke up with Rachel and Gabby simultaneously, which surely wasn’t all his idea.

Yep, he walked into their hotel suite, told them he meant it when he said he loved them both and saw a future with them both, except “I realized it’s not feasibly possible for me to be in love with three women like I said I was.”

So in other words, he didn’t mean it.

Gabby grasped that right away.

“You asked me to stay because you were pissed and your pride was hurt because Susie left,” Gabby told him.

When Clayton protested that he did love Gabby, she snapped, “That is bullshit.”

She also scorched him for breaking up with her and Rachel together, saying, “You don’t give a fuck about us.”

When Clayton said he was sorry and asked to walk her out, she made a face like she’d just smelled something awful and said contemptuously, “No.” You could see the studio audience applauding and Grandpa John nodding in the inset at the bottom of the screen and it was glorious.

And then, in another demonstration of how much disrespect producers had for these women, Rachel’s exit was left hanging as the show cut to L.A. and Gabby was brought onstage.

There was a beautiful moment when Grandpa John got up to hug her, with tears in his eyes, and then she sat down to answer Jesse’s ridiculously obvious questions.

Gabby tells it to Clayton like it is on the live part of the finale.

When Clayton came out, Gabby did a marvellous job of cutting through his nonsense — “I’m incredibly sorry,” “I had love for you all,” etc. — by pointing out he was the opposite of transparent when he didn’t fess up to having told Susie he loved her the most, which would have been a deal breaker for Gabby.

“When you say you love someone you’re assuming responsibility to protect them, to care for them and to not hurt them, and you didn’t do any of those things,” she said as the audience applauded.

Like I said, glorious.

Back to Rachel in the Reykjavik hotel room. She was crying so hard that tears were literally dripping off her face, but the shoe dropped for her too. After Clayton, conspicuously dry-eyed, handed her into the SUV with the same stock line about being so sorry, she said, “I was in love, but he was never in love with me.”

Rachel cried again in the studio watching the footage, but she assured Jesse it wasn’t because she had any lingering feelings for Clayton. She had been blindsided and robbed of a chance to stand up for herself, she said.

She sure put that to rights when Clayton came onstage.

Rachel did not take one bit of crap from Clayton, not even a little bit.

“I became collateral damage in your journey for love,” Rachel told Clayton. “That was the most completely selfish journey.” Bang on, again.

Clayton sounded like he was reading off cue cards when he gave her a variation of the “I’m incredibly sorry” speech.

“I just don’t believe you,” Rachel retorted to applause.

Like Gabby, she blasted him for leaving out the part about loving Susie the most in his double declaration of love for Rachel and Gabby, asking him point blank, “Did you tell me you were in love with me because you wanted to sleep with me?”

Clayton said no, but you can draw your own conclusion.

And what of Susie, still in Iceland in our timeline?

After Jesse hand-delivered a syrupy letter from Clayton — “Without you I am nothing and with you I have everything” — Susie put on her glad rags and met Clayton in some house in the countryside as rain spit and wind whipped.

He showed her the diamond ring that was burning a hole in his pocket and vowed to prove his love to her if she gave him one more chance. And Susie said no thank you, basically telling him he was more into her than she was into him, and she was leaving Iceland alone and it was over, like over over.

Look, I don’t hate Clayton and I don’t get off on seeing people in pain, but it would have been a slap in the face if Susie had said yes. A man who can’t tell the difference between love, like, lust and lies — or worse, was following a script set out by reality TV producers — doesn’t deserve to get engaged.

So it was a shock and kind of a bummer to learn that Susie had gone back to him.

Susie and Clayton reunited and no, it doesn’t feel that good.

Clayton was blathering on to Jesse about how everything he did was because he was following his heart and he had become a better person because he learned so much. Maybe he even meant it, but I never got the sense he truly understood just what he put those women through.

But Susie said she loved him, and she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions, even though I think her boyfriend is a tool.

Mercifully there was no surprise engagement, even though Jesse kept drawing attention to Neil Lane being in the audience, but Clayton did give Susie his final rose. And yeah, OK, fine. But if you’re expecting happy tears over that, you’re SOL.

I did, however, have happy tears over the Bachelorette announcement.

The most beautiful thing to come out of the shit show that was Part 1 of the finale was seeing the bond between Rachel and Gabby. So yeah, even though I have no idea how it’s going to work, I am totally cool with them sharing the next “Bachelorette” season.

Unfortunately, we don’t know what the franchise is going to throw at them, i.e. what kind of dorks it’s going to cast in the name of drama. But Rachel and Gabby have proven they’re capable of cutting through the BS, so fingers crossed they’ll be OK.

This has been a horrible season. Clayton was the worst Bachelor ever, no contest, and ABC had no business casting him. Was his lack of insight and self-awareness part of his charm for the producers? Or did it really come down to casting him because some grade school kids liked him?

It’s Door No. 1, I’m sure, but it’s basically a moot point because our collective outrage has only fuelled interest in the show.

Clayton, by clownishly claiming to love three women at the same time — so basically doing exactly what the format plays at — has made it blindingly clear just how ridiculous the format is. But I have no expectation that will lead to any substantial change. Unlike Clayton, the franchise hasn’t even said it’s sorry.

Oh, and one more kick in the pants: we learned that Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams are out as hosts of “The Bachelorette” and Jesse is coming back.

But yes, more fool us, we’ll watch anyway.

That’s it for me, recap-wise, until “The Bachelorette” starts on July 11. But I’ll still be posting my weekly Watchable lists. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Rachel and Gabby let Clayton off the hook and they’ll regret it

March 15, 2022 /
Host Jesse Palmer with “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” alumni Michelle Young, Nick Viall and Clare Crawley on Part 1 of the live “Bachelor” finale. PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Clayton Echard might not get engaged — to be honest, I hope he doesn’t — Susie, Rachel and Gabby might all feel like chumps but hey, “The Bachelor” was the No. 1 trending topic worldwide Monday night, so at least ABC and Warner Bros. are getting their happy ending.

It’s pretty gross when you think about it. People were dying in Ukraine at the same time that millions of us were tuned into the equivalent of emotional torture porn on a reality show.

I’m not being holier than thou. I was watching and tweeting right along with everyone else, and now I’m writing about it.

This whole hideous season is coming down to a hideous two-part finale —the second half of “the most shocking finale in ‘Bachelor’ history” goes down tonight — and my guess would be that, if anything, it’s just emboldened the people who put the show together.

We hated that they chose Clayton as Bachelor; we hated “the Shanae Show”; we hated the way Clayton talked to Susie last week, but all of that just fuelled the show’s clout, so is it any surprise that Jesse sounded positively gleeful when he teased “the rose ceremony from hell” as the episode started?

And it was hellish.

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia before Clayton dropped his bomb.

For some unfathomable reason, Clayton decided that after his relationship with Susie blew up — since she couldn’t accept the fact he had sex with both Rachel and Gabby, and had also told both that he loved them — he might as well be “1,000 per cent transparent” with the two who were still standing.

When Rachel and Gabby showed up for the rose ceremony, in the dramatic Harpa concert hall in Reykjavik, Iceland, Clayton said the words that have been teased all season long: “I am in love with both of you and I also was intimate with both of you.”

Stunned, Rachel and Gabby walked off in different directions. Rachel sat on some steps and sobbed, her anguish echoing through the hall, wiping her eyes so much she wiped the makeup right off her face. “I’ve never felt pain like this before,” she said.

Gabby had a cry too, and came back with questions for Clayton and also some observations, and they were really good ones.

Like, for instance, exploring relationships fully “is not definitively loving.”

Also, after Clayton told her he meant everything he said to her, “but how do you, like, back that up?”

“Because ultimately, like, whoever I pick I love the most,” Clayton said.

It’s a good thing Gabby hadn’t heard Clayton tell Susie that he loved her the most or her head would have exploded.

“I don’t think you just tell multiple women you love them thinking there would be no consequences,” Gabby said in her voice-over. Exactly! “For him saying the woman I walk out with is the woman I love the most, like wrong fucking answer.

“I don’t want to be loved the most, I just want to be loved for who I am.”

Speaking of love, I don’t think I have loved Gabby more than I did at that moment.

Rachel was also struggling to understand how Clayton could love three people at once but, given how head over heels she was for him, it wasn’t a surprise when, as the rose ceremony got back on track, she accepted the first flower from him without recrimination.

Rachel expresses her shock as Clayton walks Gabby out behind her.

But Gabby said no and I was so pleased for her. It’s too bad she didn’t just hightail it out of there. But she let Clayton talk to her and he somehow talked her into staying.

I have to pause here to defer to former Bachelor Nick Viall (yeah, I know), who was hauled onstage along with former Bachelorettes Michelle Young and Clare Crawley to comment on the spectacle unfolding. Nick said Clayton was “a guy focused on finding love for himself and not focused on finding love with someone else.” Also, “he never took the time to consider the position of power he’s in as the Bachelor.” Spot on Nick, spot on.

Back at the Harpa, Rachel was still trying to digest that fact that she would end up with Clayton by default rather than by design when Clayton and Gabby came back.

Gabby and Rachel share a moment of support.

And this is the moment that I will cling to as I watch the rest of this train wreck: Gabby walked up to Rachel, told her “I’m sorry to make you wait,” and they hugged, and Rachel asked Gabby if she was OK and rubbed her shoulder.

Clayton does not deserve either of these women, which made it hard to watch as each of them met his family. Clayton’s family seems perfectly nice, but it was tough to see Gabby and Rachel get strung along a little bit farther.

Furthermore, his dad Brian and mom Kelly were as unimpressed with him telling three women he loved them as everyone else.

“I don’t know how you could be in love with three people,” said Kelly.

“You have to understand, they don’t want to be second or third, they want to be first. They have a right to be upset with you,” said Brian.

“You have screwed the pooch, in my opinion.”

Kelly added that Gabby, who they were about to meet, seemed like a consolation prize. “I don’t know if the love of your life has gone.”

Hold that thought.

These are the faces of parents whose son has just told them he loves three women.

Things went as well as can be expected when the man who’s just ripped your heart out and stomped on it a little takes you to meet his family.

Alas, Gabby told Kelly she still trusted in her relationship with Clayton. “I’ve never met anyone as genuine and open-hearted as him.”

I guess we can agree on the open-hearted part, all things considered; too open-hearted.

Rachel, meanwhile, told Kelly straight up that Clayton was perfect for her. And she told Brian she’d never been in love “the way I am with him.”

So Mama and Papa Echard were all in on whichever one Clayton chose as their new daughter-in-law. And then came the twist that practically had Jesse peeing his pants as he introduced the next segment.

CLAYTON COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT SUSIE!

“I’ve just realized my heart, where it’s at,” Clayton told his folks. “Not to disregard what I have with Rachel and what I have with Gabby. It’s so special what I have with those women. It just was a little bit more special with Susie.”

THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU KEEP YOUR LIPS ZIPPED WITH GABBY AND RACHEL AND KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?

Brian and Kelly did their best to convince Clayton the Susie ship had sailed, but along came Jesse to helpfully tell Clayton that Susie was still in Iceland. Because of course she was.

Host Jesse Palmer drops in on Clayton, his folks and his brothers.

And to add insult to injury, back in the studio, Jesse brought Rodney Mathews onstage, alongside Kaitlyn Bristowe and Cassie Randolph, the man who should have been Bachelor. Rodney is very much Team Clayton, but he did say that Clayton was “living in the moment a little too much.” Ya think?

I don’t believe “Bachelor” producers have yet figured out a way to infiltrate cast members’ brains and control their feelings, although it would not at all surprise me to hear they’d been using subliminal messaging to imprint the idea of falling in love with three women on Clayton.

Whether they knew or merely hoped he was going to want to reconcile with Susie, keeping her in Iceland instead of letting her go home was all part of the nefarious plan.

Since Jesse keeps saying he doesn’t know what happens, it seems likely Clayton and Susie aren’t going to kiss, make up and get engaged — maybe they agree to keep dating a la Cassie and Colton Underwood (and we all know how that turned out). It does seem clear that Rachel and Gabby are going to be discarded, which puts the lie to Clayton’s protestations of love for them.

Part 2 of this mess airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Clayton bonks his way to a breakup on ‘The Bachelor’

March 9, 2022 /
Final three Susie Evans, Rachel Recchia and Gabby Windey ponder their fates on “The Bachelor.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

Monday’s fantasy suites episode of “The Bachelor” was like waiting for the train wreck that you knew was coming and, when it happened, it was worse than you thought it was going to be.

Not only did Clayton Echard tell his final three he was in love or falling in love with each of them, he also tried to have sex with all three of them. And when Susie foiled his plan by refusing to take Rachel’s and Gabby’s sloppy seconds (and thirds) Clayton turned into an entitled jerk right before our eyes.

As the episode ended, Susie was gone and distress was in store for Rachel and Gabby. We’ve known since before the season even started that Clayton was going to confess to having sex with both of them and, judging from the promos, their reactions to that are exactly what you’d imagine them to be.

Of course, we can’t pretend all the blame for Monday’s mess lies with Clayton.

It’s just too much of a coincidence that the one woman for whom Clayton having sex with someone else would be a deal breaker ended up getting the last of the three fantasy suite dates. I mean, I doubt producers stood over the beds urging Clayton and Rachel and Gabby to fornicate, but it was clearly what they hoped would happen.

Having the women stay together in the same suite, watching each other come back from spending the night with the same guy — particularly after Gabby said she was sorry “in advance” — was another nice bit of psychological manipulation.

And was it all Clayton’s idea to spread the L-word around so indiscriminately? Who knows?

The episode started with Clayton flying to Iceland, saying in his voice-over that he was falling in love with all of the women and might already be in love with Susie.

Obviously, a Bachelor claiming to be falling for multiple women is nothing new. It’s part of the Faustian bargain the leads make: they pretend to be racked with indecision about who to choose until the morning of the proposal.

But telling more than one woman you love them? Ask Ben Higgins and Arie Luyendyk Jr. how well that turned out.

I’ve always figured it was just play-acting, that the Bachelors knew weeks in advance whom they wanted to end up with. And if that was the case you would assume they wouldn’t go sampling the wares, so to speak, of the other two finalists.

So did Clayton really not know? Or is he just a horny guy who figured he’d never again get a free pass to sleep with multiple women?

Rachel and Clayton 400 feet beneath the surface of an inactive volcano.

His first date — a descent into an inactive volcano — was with Rachel. To be honest, I would have figured that for lust rather than love, given how incapable they’ve been of keeping their hands and lips off each other. But Clayton told Rachel he was falling in love with her at dinner. Then, after their night in the boom boom room, er, fantasy suite, he yelled “I love you too, Rachel!” as she bid him farewell from the balcony.

One down.

Gabby and Clayton spent the night in a yurt.

Next up was Gabby and they took a dune-buggy ride on a beach. Before checking into a yurt with floor-to-ceiling windows — let’s hope there were curtains to pull before they got busy — Clayton told Gabby he was falling in love with her and repeated it the next morning.

Two down.

Susie had been freaking out pretty much the whole episode, obsessing about what Clayton might be doing while alone with Rachel and Gabby. The producers even juxtaposed audio of her saying she was “spiralling emotionally” with video of her walking down a spiral staircase, because they just couldn’t help themselves.

“If I find out he’s falling in love with other women or he had become physically intimate with another woman, that would be devastating,” she said.

Clayton and Susie at the spa before the wheels came off.

So we had a pretty good idea of what was coming, even though the early part of the date, at the Sky Lagoon spa, went really well.

Clayton said his love for Susie was “on another level” and, at dinner, he told her how he felt.

Susie said she adored him in return, but she had “expectations I’m not willing to let go of.”

“Do you feel that same way with somebody else or have you, like, slept with another woman?” If so, “I think it would be impossible to move forward toward an engagement.”

The answer to both her questions was yes, but Clayton told Susie he was “the most in love” with her, which didn’t help.

He wanted them to go to the fantasy suite to talk things through. Susie said she was confused and walked away from the table.

By the time she came back to talk some more, Clayton Jekyll had turned into Mr. Hyde.

Susie said she felt awful and like she’d fucked everything up. Clayton just shook his head and told her she had “invalidated everything that we had.” If she really cared about him, she would try to work through it. And if sex with other women was a deal breaker, she should have told him that before fantasy suites, he said.

“I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore,” Clayton told her coldly. “You just dropped a bombshell on me. I don’t agree with it at all how you went about this. I think it’s BS. And we’re done.”

Clayton shows Susie the door, literally.

Susie kept trying to apologize as he walked her to the waiting SUV. In fact, he walked ahead of her, held the door as if she couldn’t get in the car fast enough, and told her he was going to find somebody who “will fight for me as much as I fight for them. You’re not that person.”

Like wow. There’s a lot to unpack there, as the saying goes.

I understand that sex is implied in the idea of fantasy suites (although plenty of Bachelors and Bachelorettes claim they just talked in theirs) and, with that in mind, ideally Susie would have shared her feelings about Clayton having multiple partners earlier.

But it wasn’t out of line for her to believe that if Clayton really wanted to be with her he wouldn’t mess around with someone else. She was well within her rights to set boundaries for herself that she would not cross. And Clayton acted like an asshole when he shifted all the blame for the relationship imploding onto her.

I suspect he’s going to find out next week that Rachel and Gabby don’t want to fight for him either.

In which case, what the hell have we wasted nine weeks of our lives for?

You can watch next week’s two-part finale Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

The Shanae Show gets a sequel on ‘Bachelor: The Women Tell All’

March 8, 2022 /
A rare moment on “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” when the women weren’t yelling at each other. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

Did you think you were going to get some catharsis on the “Women Tell All” episode of “The Bachelor”? Not a chance.

A shit show of a season produced a a shit show of a “Tell All” that was at times a free-for-all of women yelling at each other. And by the end of it I was more annoyed with this ridiculous franchise, not less.

A large chunk of the first 45 minutes (minus commercials) was occupied by talk from or about uber-villain Shanae or, as Sierra called her, “a narcissistic, gaslighting beotch.”

Shanae in her “red flag” dress in the hot seat.

Make that a beotch who got to defend herself in the hot seat, complete with softball questions from host Jesse Palmer, clearly out of his depth.

This shouldn’t be a surprise. But it’s a travesty that the nastiest thing that Shanae did — suggesting Elizabeth was faking her ADHD and mocking her for the condition — was left out of Shanae’s clips reel. Nor was Elizabeth given equal time to defend herself.

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end because Shanae stuck to the same playbook she employed the rest of the season: attack, lie and make herself out to be the victim.

She even added a new lie, accusing Genevieve of having sex with “Bachelorette” and “Paradise” alumni Aaron Clancy after she got eliminated. (Genevieve says she didn’t and, even if she had, who cares?)

A real host would have called Shanae on her nonsense. Jesse? Hell, he actually thanked her, along with Genevieve, who joined her in the hot seat, for being “open and honest” with him.

My guess is Mike Fleiss and his minions are already preparing Shanae’s “Bachelor in Paradise” contract. You think they give a crap that people are tweeting and begging them not to bring her to Paradise? That’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

And speaking of red flags, that word came out of Shanae’s mouth in relation to other contestants; also her favourite, “fake”; pretty much everything but “sorry,” as in sorry for lying and generally acting like, well, what everybody kept calling her: a bitch.

But Shanae got as good as she gave, though.

Genevieve bringing some unintentional levity to the Shanae fray.

Besides repeatedly being called a bitch, she was called “one of the most disgusting human beings I’ve ever met in my life” by Hunter. When she stood up to walk onstage, the women snarked that her ass looked terrible. “Are you wearing a diaper?” called out Genevieve.

“From the bottom of my heart, fuck you, Shanae,” Lyndsey told her. “You can go rot in Ohio for all I care.”

I know all of us watching were supposed to find this thrilling. I mean, how exciting, a bunch of women yelling nasty things at each other and Jesse sitting there like a deer caught in headlights, barely able to rein them in. Ha, ha, what fun!

But it’s just more sleight of hand by the producers to distract us from the real issue: that this franchise is in thrall to drama, that its masterminds would rather give us episode after episode of women behaving badly than focus on what the show’s supposed to be about.

And even the supposedly nice women get brainwashed into upholding the franchise’s sexist standards.

The other contestant who got yelled at on “Women Tell All” was Cassidy, for having a boy toy back home and not forswearing him to devote herself heart and soul to Clayton. Cassidy said the sex was good and “I wasn’t gonna cut it off unless I was engaged.” And why should she?

And if Genevieve had decided to sleep with Aaron after running into him at a bar, why not if they were both into it?

Teddi would make a fine pick for Bachelorette.

The closest the episode got to a healthy conversation about sex and commitment was when Teddi was in the hot seat. Obviously her virginity was up for discussion, because that’s another thing this franchise has a puerile fascination with.

If she had made it to fantasy suites, Clayton might have been her first, she said.

“Society puts a lot of pressure on women that it changes who they are if they lose their virginity. I don’t feel that,” Teddi said.

“I think it’s OK if someone wants to wait until marriage. I think it’s OK if someone wants to have sex every weekend.”

Teddi and Serene were both breaths of fresh air in the hot seat: utterly uninterested in throwing anyone under the bus. Either one would make a great pick for the next Bachelorette.

Bachelor Clayton and host Jesse bracing for the next onslaught from the women.

And then there was Clayton Echard himself who, confusingly, said he wished he had done things differently but also that he had no regrets because “I had all the best intentions with all my actions I took.”

Sierra called him on that right away.

“I don’t know, Clayton,” she said.

“Why neglect all of the words you’re hearing from all of these wonderful women? We’re all telling you that Shanae is toxic and she’s hurting the entire house. Then she does this one fake apology.

“You chose to believe her over all of us. Like why? It doesn’t make sense?”

Neither did Clayton’s answer.

He claimed he hadn’t yet “built trust” with the women who complained about Shanae. When that didn’t fly, he admitted to having a connection with Shanae. And then he called her stunt of throwing away a group date trophy “indefensible” except, as Jill pointed out, he still kept Shanae around after that.

It all makes perfect sense, of course, if he was following producers’ instructions and keeping her long enough for the two-on-one date in Toronto, but it’s not like he would ever confess to that.

I could go on and talk about Sarah (Clayton said he absolutely did not cry on any of his dates with her, contradicting what she told Jesse earlier), or the fact that he apologized to Serene for holding back his emotions with her (it was the absolute least he could do), or that Dr. Kira hit on him, saying she’d been more and more attracted to Clayton with every episode she watched (were we watching the same show?), but I can’t be bothered. If you’re interested you can find the episode on demand and see all that for yourself.

The hollow feeling I’ve had all season was still there Monday night by the time they cued up the promo, the one that’s supposed to get us pumped for tonight’s fantasy suites episode and next week’s finale.

“The most dramatic finale in Bachelor history,” Jesse said. “How does it end? I was there and I still have no idea.”

The armadillo had the good sense to run away.

Maybe it will be the most dramatic ever, but it’s hard to care at this point. Let’s just get it over with and then we can all scuttle away like the armadillo we saw in the end credits.

You can watch tonight at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Clayton psychoanalyzes his way to a final four on ‘The Bachelor’

February 22, 2022 /
Teddi, Susie, Gabby, Rachel, Serene and Sarah celebrate “The Bachelor” moving the circus to Vienna. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs, with apologies for the quality

I’ll be darned, the “Bachelor” producers flipped a switch on the Claytonbot 3000 and Clayton Echard actually made some sensible decisions on Monday’s episode.

First up was sending Mara home. It turns out she probably had a point about Sarah, but the way she went on and on about it ad nauseam was totally annoying and she had to go.

As for Sarah, it seems Shanae wasn’t the only one who was good at fake crying. Clayton decided Sarah wasn’t there for the right reasons, not because she was 23 but because he thought she was making shit up. So buh bye Sarah.

This doesn’t mean the episode was void of annoyances but, when all was said and done, Clayton had a final four. Bring on the hometowns and let’s get this ridiculous season over with.

But first, shall we recap?

Mara’s contempt for Sarah was written all over her face.

We had unfinished business from last week. You’ll recall that Mara, being super jealous that Sarah got a second one-on-one date — and truthfully, the only reason she got it was to piss Mara off — implied to Clayton that Sarah wasn’t ready to get engaged. And Clayton confronted Sarah, who cried copious tears — although I’m now wondering just how real they were — and they kissed and made up and she got a rose and marched back to the hotel to confront whoever had thrown her under the bus.

It didn’t take long for Mara to fess up that she was the one who talked to Clayton, although she framed it more as her looking out for him than her being green with envy that she, Mara, 32-year-old self-proclaimed bedroom and kitchen goddess, was being left on the shelf for a youngster.

Was Sarah overconfident? Sure, especially in light of what happened later in the episode. Was all this sniping just another useless detour into Dramaland? Of course.

But Sarah was also correct when she identified Mara’s manoeuvring as “a last ditch effort by someone who feels like they’re going home.” Because guess what? Mara went home at the rose ceremony, along with Eliza.

For the seven who were left — Susie, Serene, Gabby, Genevieve, Rachel, Teddi and Sarah — it was goodbye Hvar, Croatia; hello Vienna, Austria.

Once there, it was time for the ever popular princess date. And I have to say it is nice to see people go places and do things in picturesque locations, and not have fake ass dates that all happen inside a resort.

First Susie got to go shopping at some fancy store called Fisher’s, and production bought her bandage dresses and Louboutins and who knows what else since she walked out of there with at least 10 bags.

Susie got the season’s princess date, complete with designer gown.

Next stop was the atelier of designer Eva Poleschinski, where Susie got to pick out a ballgown to wear to dinner with Clayton at Schonbrunn Palace. And one wonders how much pressure was brought to bear to get her to pick the red dress since dinner was followed by Chris de Burgh (go ahead and google him young’uns) performing his 1986 hit “The Lady in Red.”

Hey, at least it wasn’t country music.

It certainly does feel like Susie is pulling ahead of the pack. And no, I haven’t read the spoilers nor do I care to. Nor have I done a scientific survey of how many women who get the princess or “Cinderella” date also end up with the final rose, but I know eventual winner Rachel Kirkconnell got it on Matt James’ season.

Susie reiterated that she was falling in love with Clayton and I did worry a little when he talked about seeing “so many sides of Susie” and the only ones he mentioned were the funny one, the serious one and the romantic one.

I will, however, grudgingly admit it was kind of sweet when Clayton said that if you took all the fancy princess-in-the-castle trappings away Susie “would still make me smile just as big.”

Doesn’t matter what we think anyway; Susie’s smitten, she got the rose, Clayton’s meeting her folks.

So what’s the opposite of a Cinderella date? How about taking five women to be psychoanalyzed on TV by a total stranger?

Sarah, Teddi, Genevieve, Rachel and Gabby had to endure couples therapy with Clayton, which is pretty rich since none of them are yet part of a couple. It was just another means to get the women to unearth private trauma for our public entertainment.

Genevieve has an uncomfortable — and pointless — therapy session with Clayton.

The most traumatized of all was Genevieve, although it was the therapy session that was causing her pain.

“I don’t like talking about my feelings and I don’t like being emotional in front of people, especially crying,” said Genevieve.

“Try to express what you feel,” said the psychoanalyst, clearly well coached by the producers.

“I want to understand who you are,” added Clayton, promoting the fiction that if Genevieve just fessed up there could be a hometown date in her future.

What utter nonsense. It wouldn’t have mattered if Genevieve spilled every deep feeling she’d ever had, she was never going to get a hometown rose.

Mercifully, Clayton ended the charade and sent Genevieve home, bizarrely thanking her for “making this journey fun,” a real non sequitur under the circumstances.

And then there was Sarah, who said she loved therapy. She happily cried in front of the psychoanalyst while recounting how the other women tried to tear her down. Clayton babbled that his and Sarah’s trust was now “on a whole other level,” so Sarah’s confidence shot to a whole other level, too. Hell yeah, she was getting a hometown date, she figured.

But then the psychoanalyst told Clayton and his dates that someone hadn’t been honest about their feelings: “performative” was what she said.

Dun dun dun dunnnnn.

At the after party, Clayton invited the women to essentially snitch on the dishonest person.

It turns out there was a thorn in Sarah’s rose after all.

Rachel recounted Sarah coming to her and Teddi after her first one-on-one date to say she and Clayton “were crying together,” which Clayton said wasn’t true. Apparently, Sarah had blabbed so many details about her close connection to Clayton that Teddi and Rachel considered sending themselves home.

When Clayton accused Sarah of being manipulative, she denied everything while doing her best imitation of a crying face.

“I’m just gonna be real with you. I really felt like you were trying to fake cry to me,” Clayton told Sarah, which was spot on.

I guess the difference between Sarah and Shanae was that Shanae had mastered the ability to squeeze actual tears out of her eyes whereas Sarah’s cheeks stayed dry.

Tellingly, her eyes continued to stay dry in the van that whisked her away when Clayton sent her home.

He declined to hand out a group date rose.

The next day, Serene — on her second one-on-one — kicked things off by making sure Clayton was OK after the, um, trauma of sending Sarah home.

What Clayton and Serene lacked in rhythm they made up for in enthusiasm.

Somehow he managed to soldier on as he and Serene toured Vienna’s city centre in a horse-drawn carriage, ate hot chestnuts and danced to accordion music with the obligatory senior citizen couple who gave them a glimpse of their own potential future — yes, that’s right, you too can spend your golden years trying to teach people from some random reality show how to polka.

At dinner later, at the Belvedere Palace, Serene confessed she hadn’t brought anyone home to meet her parents since her high school boyfriend. And she and Clayton compared notes about growing apart from people that you started dating when you were really young and how it can seem like you wasted part of your 20s, but “then I think, no, you learn from every moment that you go through,” Clayton said.

And I’m sorry, but that sounded like an actual line of conversation rather than just a talking point.

Serene told Clayton she was falling in love with him, which made Clayton grin from ear to ear. And he gave her the rose and then they stood in front of the famous Klimt painting “The Kiss” and, duh, kissed.

And then — I can hardly believe I’m writing this — the episode ended with a rose ceremony.

Rachel, Teddi and Gabby await their fate alongside Susie and Serene.

Since Susie and Serene already had roses, and Rachel was a lock for another one, it came down to Teddi and Gabby.

As the first impression rose winner, Teddi might have seemed like a shoo-in but, to be honest, the fact she had her one-on-one so late in the season did not bode well. And indeed, she was the one sent home.

Clayton didn’t seem all that broken up about it, telling her, “It was so nice to get to know you and you’ll forever have a special place in my heart” as he handed her into the van. Not one for long goodbyes is Clayton.

But let’s be honest, he did Teddi — and us — a favour. How nasty would it have been if Teddi lost her virginity to Clayton and then had to suffer through the “I’ve been intimate with both of you” speech that we all know is coming? Consider it a bullet dodged.

Next week it’s hometowns and, if we don’t get tripped up with any special two-part episodes, we just have another four to go and we can all get our Monday nights back.

You can watch next Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

With Shanae gone, Mara picks up the villain torch on The Bachelor

February 15, 2022 /
Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor” was about as hard to swallow as the fish eyes and other unpalatable things eaten on the group date. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs unless otherwise indicated

Is it possible for a person to be possessed by the spirit of someone who’s still alive?

I’m just asking because no sooner had Shanae been kicked off “The Bachelor” — finally! — then Mara went on a jealousy and insecurity rampage that culminated in her trying to get rid of Sarah.

This is all part of the evil producer plan, of course: stoke Mara’s self-doubt by ensuring she gets the very last rose at the rose ceremony, then send the woman she’s most threatened by on a second one-on-one date while Mara is stuck in group date purgatory. Presto chango, a new villain!

It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it turned out that Mara — perhaps realizing her chances of getting a one-on-one were about as good as the women ceasing to over-pronounce the “t” in Clayton — signed up for the villain edit.

And Clayton continues to be the perfect producer stooge, dutifully confronting Sarah with Mara’s accusation that she wasn’t ready to get engaged, feigning confusion, then stepping away “to think this through,” leaving Sarah a sobbing mess. That doesn’t seem like something you would do to someone you claim to see a future with but, at this stage, it appears that when the producers say “Jump!” Clayton doesn’t even ask how high; he just leaps.

The women said that Clayton sending Shanae home showed he’s not a bad judge of character after all. Too bad viewers can’t share that perspective.

If anything, the result of the two-on-one between Shanae and Genevieve showed that Clayton has been playing the game all along.

Genevieve Parisi and Shanae Ankney wait for Clayton Echard to give one of them the rose.

Consider that up until this point Clayton has appeared to swallow all of Shanae’s whoppers hook, line and sinker. And now, suddenly, he draws the line?

Shanae did what she’s done all along: lied (she claimed to have overheard Genevieve saying she wanted to go home the night before) and faked emotion (tearing up because she’d been single for five years and, at 29, had never been in love). And then she exulted at pulling one over on Clayton: “Getting this rose tonight is gonna feel better than sex.”

Genevieve appeared to cry real tears while basically apologizing to Clayton for not being vulnerable enough. Ugh.

Clayton asked Genevieve point blank, with Shanae sitting there, “Are you an actress” — Shanae’s word — “and have you been lying to me?” A startled Genevieve said no and then asked Clayton why he’d ask her that.

Instead of answering, he walked away for a little think, no doubt counting down the minutes until he was allowed to stop pretending, and go back and hand out the rose, which he said was “going to somebody who helped me see the truth in all of this.”

“So Shanae, I’m just, I’m so sorry, but I cannot find it in my heart to give you this rose.”

And just like that, Shanae’s five-week reign of terror came to an end. I have to be honest, it felt way longer.

“Fuck Clayton. I never want to see him again,” Shanae said, which sums up how viewers feel about her. I’m sure more than one member of Bachelor Nation was popping Champagne along with Shanae’s fellow contestants.

With Shanae gone, all seemed to be sweetness and light at the cocktail party on rose ceremony night. Clayton was sucking face with his favourites Sarah and Rachel. He even kissed Hunter. But Mara, an entrepreneur from New Jersey, was fretting that Clayton didn’t know what a “keeper” she was. She only got about three minutes with him and spent that time force-feeding him what looked like cold poutine.

Mara Agrait was ready to fall in love in Croatia, come hell or high water.

“I am a grown ass woman. I know what I have to offer and I know who I am, and I came here to find love,” she ranted before breaking down in tears.

Translation: I am 32 years old. I am ready to get married and start churning out little Echards. Why does Clayton like women who are younger than me?

Listen, nothing against someone who really wants to be coupled up, but if Mara is as “strong, powerful, passionate, independent” as she claims, perhaps she could ratchet down the desperation.

She finally got her rose after Sarah, Serene, Susie, Teddi and Eliza had got theirs, with Marlena and Hunter sent home.

And then it was time for Clayton and his chosen nine, including Rachel, Gabby and Genevieve, to leave Toronto and head to Hvar, Croatia, where Mara’s complaining continued apace.

When Teddi got the first one-on-one — and come on, she was the first impression rose winner; she should have got one way before now — Mara sniped that some of the women were more girlfriend than wife material and that Clayton was doing himself a “disservice” by not availing himself of Mara’s awesomeness.

Anyway, Teddi and Clayton were off on the ever popular “let’s walk around this town and do the most cheesy, touristy things possible” date, followed by the standard true confessions dinner.

Clayton and Teddi Wright, but not in Croatia, because apparently ABC
couldn’t find any photographers in Croatia. PHOTO CREDIT: John Fleenor/ABC

Teddi told Clayton that she was — gasp! — a virgin and Clayton’s response was a master class in awkwardness. First he told her that he “would have never known” since there was physical attraction between them. Then he hastened to add that their connection was more emotional. And then he asked, “Have you been in love since that point?”

First off, what point? Secondly, since Teddi said she was saving herself until the first time she was in love, clearly she had never been in love because, if she had, she wouldn’t be a virgin.

Clayton blathered about how he wanted Teddi to be “fully vulnerable” — and is there a double entendre in there somewhere? — and Teddi said she trusted Clayton and felt safe with him.

He gave her the rose and they kissed just like people who aren’t virgins do, and Teddi said she could see herself falling in love with Clayton and best not to let your mind go there.

In the meantime, when Mara found out she was on the group date along with Serene, Rachel, Susie, Gabby, Eliza and Genevieve, and that 23-year-old Sarah was getting a second one-on-one, she bemoaned Clayton “going for the youngest girl in the house, who I couldn’t imagine being ready to get engaged.”

And look, I’m a lot older than Mara, but this a bullshit, ageist argument. Chronological age is not a guarantee of readiness for anything. My mother got married at 18 and she’ll be celebrating her 62nd wedding anniversary this year. Besides, the most immature woman on the show so far has been Shanae at 29.

But Mara put on her game face during the group date, which involved the women donning medieval armour-type outfits and being led through challenges by a female knight named Katarina (at least I think that’s how it’s spelled).

Mara figured she had the competition in the bag because she out-muscled Rachel in the strength challenge; chowed down on pig’s liver and cow’s stomach and fish eyes and other, um, delicacies; and, as a sign of her devotion to Clayton, recited a poem that included the lines “I cook and clean and I’m great in bed/Come on Clayton, use your head.”

Personally, I preferred Genevieve’s “I endured an epic war against the evil shrimp dragon.”

In any event, Serene was declared to have the virtues of a true knight, which meant she got to wear a cape and smooch Clayton.

At the after-party, Mara complained to Clayton that she’d been “vulnerable, sweet, cute, flirty” but still hadn’t got a one-on-one. Furthermore, Clayton was wasting his time on younger women like Sarah, one of whom Mara alleged — OK, she meant Sarah — had said she couldn’t picture herself engaged after just a couple of months.

But Mara speaking her “truth” was no match for Rachel telling Clayton she was falling for him, so no date rose for Mara.

Susie Evans in “beast” mode ahead of her impromptu clock tower date with Clayton.

Mara was miffed, so when Clayton got an unsigned card saying “Meet me at the clock tower,” it seemed like Mara might have more to say. (Some people even speculated it was Shanae taking another kick at the can.) It was just Susie, who became the second woman to tell Clayton she was falling in love with him.

And then, finally, it was time to emotionally torture Sarah.

After first having a staged pep talk with host Jesse Palmer about his “biggest fear” potentially coming true, Clayton dropped the bomb on Sarah that she’d been called out for possibly not being ready to get engaged and thus, he was “confused” and “scared.”

Sarah Hamrick before Clayton dropped Mara’s “truth” bomb on her.

Sarah began to cry and to strenuously object, saying she absolutely wanted to get engaged to Clayton. And then Clayton left her there at the table, bereft, to step away to think, which was obviously a bit of producer manipulation.

In the meantime, Sarah cried her eyes out. She was still crying when Clayton came back to the table, telling him she was afraid to lose him over a “blatant lie.”

Well, of course, she wasn’t going to lose him. It was just some bullshit drama. Sure enough, Clayton told Sarah that he was sure she was there for him and “you want what I’m after.” Sarah cried on his shoulder after he gave her the damn rose.

Cue Sarah, mad as hell, heading back to the hotel suite to confront the “liar” and the words “To be continued” on the screen. So there’s more Mara and Sarah drama ahead next week and is this bloody season over yet?

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor Clayton starts his ‘journey’ with two rejections

January 4, 2022 /
Clayton Echard started his “journey” as “The Bachelor” on Monday night.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grabs John Fleenor/ABC

It’s been confirmed: there is at least one person who isn’t a member of the production team who wanted Clayton Echard to be the Bachelor.

Luckily for Clayton, it’s the woman who got his first impression rose and also his first kiss on Monday’s season premiere.

Teddi, a surgical unit nurse from California, told Clayton she picked him out as her ideal Bachelor from photos of Michelle Young’s “guys” because, as she told her sister at the time, “I think he’s really cute and he has such a kind smile.”

So Teddi got her wish. The rest of us? Well . . .

If you were hoping we’d learn something in the season opener that would justify why Clayton, 28, was chosen before Michelle’s season had even aired, you likely came away disappointed.

Clayton’s own explanation for why he’s the man is “because I truthfully believe in this process I think more than anybody else” — which is a pretty nifty trick after appearing on one season of “The Bachelorette” in which he was basically wallpaper.

Also, you know, he cried when he got those (possibly fake) letters from Michelle’s students after their one-on-one date. The producers weren’t going to let us forget that.

On Monday we found out that, um, Clayton’s tall, he has dimples, he used to play football, he’s “a Midwest guy who doesn’t really like the spotlight” from Eureka, Missouri. And he really, really wants to get married and have kids, so much so he tried to give his first impression rose to an emotionally unavailable woman who was still traumatized about her ex-fiance.

Like, what the hell was that?

Salley Carson, whose job description is “previously enagaged,” visits Clayton in his room.

Could the producers really be Machiavellian enough to cast a woman who was engaged to be married a month before filming began, just so she could break up with Clayton before the season had even started, stoking his fear of rejection?

Honestly, I wouldn’t put anything past them at this point.

It turns out Salley from Virginia was supposed to have been getting married the weekend she was in L.A. filming, so she wanted to go home and be with her family instead of, you know, competing with 29 other women for the attention of some dude she’d never met. “Ever since I’ve been here I’ve been an emotional wreck,” she said.

But first she decided to tell Clayton what was going on, and Clayton decided there was chemistry between them and offered her a rose.

After a tearful conversation with somebody back home, Salley rejected the rose, telling Clayton she liked him, but “my heart is just not ready.”

It all felt so manipulative, from the fact Salley was there in the first place to her showing up at Clayton’s room — why the hell would she need to tell him she was leaving if he hadn’t met her yet? — to her getting to keep her cellphone to Clayton’s bright idea to give her a rose.

Salley wasn’t the only woman who rejected Clayton on Night 1.

Clayton and Claire as their “tailgate party” was interrupted.

Claire, a spray tanner from Virginia Beach, started loudly proclaiming that Clayton wasn’t the guy for her after their one-on-one time turned into a “catastrophe,” in her words.

I don’t know what happened. Initially, the football fanatic was “super excited” about spending time with Clayton at the tailgate party the producers had set up for her. Was she mad that Mara interrupted? Was it the fact that Claire beat Clayton at cornhole? Did he not show enough appreciation for the chicken wings with ranch sauce she loves so much she put them in her “bachelorette biography”?

Claire said Clayton was “100 per cent too nice for me.”

“I dont need ‘Hi, I love America and I am a sweetheart,'” she complained.

And then it struck me: Claire is all of us.

After schoolteacher Serene tattled to Clayton that Claire was telling people she hated him, Clayton confronted Claire before walking her out. No, she didn’t hate him, she said, “I feel like we just haven’t, like, clicked.”

Exactly! Bachelor Nation doesn’t hate you, Clayton, but we clicked a lot more with Rodney, Olu, Brandon and even Rick.

When Clayton stepped back into the mansion to explain why he’d ousted Claire, he invited other women to leave too if they weren’t that into him.

“Oh hush, we’re not going anywhere,” said Cassidy, an executive assistant from L.A. who was one of several women Clayton kissed on Night 1.

Clayton bestows the first impression rose (or maybe the second?) on Teddi Wright.

His first makeout sesh (or at least the first one we saw) was with Teddi, who revealed in her intro package that she’s a virgin. So if she turns out to be one of the two or three women that Clayton confesses to having sex with, hoo boy!

Clayton said, not once but twice, that Teddi made him “feel some type of way” — the type of way that makes you hand over a rose, I guess. Bonus points for the fact that Teddi hadn’t just broken off an engagement.

Clayton also locked lips with doctor Kira, who showed up in lingerie and a lab coat and told Clayton she was going to give him a full body physical; Eliza, a marketing manager who spent her childhood in Berlin and asked Clayton in German if she could kiss him; Cassidy, who made her entrance in a miniature car, which was then run over by pickup truck-driving hell raiser Shanae; and Rachel, a flight instructor whose shtick was to have a 63-year-old retiree named Holly get out of the limo first and then introduce her. (Listen, as a fellow 60-something, let me just say Holly really pulled off that dress.)

And while we’re talking about wacky entrances, human resources specialist Hunter brought a snake; real estate agent Kate invited Clayton to hold one of her “nips,” as in a mini bottle of booze; architectural historian Jill brought an urn that she said contained the “ashes of my ex-boyfriends”; Jane, a self-proclaimed cougar at 33 (!), drove up in a vintage convertible; ICU nurse Gabby brought a pillow with Clayton’s face on it because, you know, she wanted to sit on Clayton’s face; real estate adviser Elizabeth brought a whip, which she used on Clayton’s butt; and Samantha showed up in a bikini and a bubble bath, prompting Rachel to say, “Mom, can you pick me up from the Bachelor mansion? I’m scared.”

With the one notable exception we’ve already discussed, the women seemed to eat up Clayton’s aw shucks, “I’m just a guy from a small town,” I can’t believe I’m the Bachelor demeanour. He even spilled his drink while making his toast to potentially falling in love, etc. etc.

Clayton also had a cheerleader in newbie host (and doppelgänger) Jesse Palmer, although it’s worth noting that while they’re both football players, Jesse is a Canadian, born in my hometown of Toronto. “I got your back buddy. You are not doing this alone,” Jesse told Clayton.

As daylight peeked through the mansion windows, Clayton finally handed out 21 roses and I’m not going to list all the names because we won’t remember most of them.

Tessa, another human resources specialist and one of the women of colour in the group, toasted to “the most supportive and beautiful group of women I’ve met in my whole life,” while Cassidy shouted out “everyone’s support and kindness” and looked forward to “getting to be friends.”

You could almost hear the chuckles of glee from the editing room since the next thing we saw was a montage of crying and/or arguing women, along with Shanae getting in someone’s face, grabbing and throwing away a trophy (it’s not quite a flight jacket in the pool, but beggars can’t be choosers).

Since drama increases in inverse proportion to the boringness of the Bachelor, I will paraphrase the great Bette Davis in “All About Eve”: fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

You can watch the next episode Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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