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Tag: Jessenia

Bachelor in Paradise recap: A painful itch and a ballroom blitz

November 16, 2022 /
Becca Kufrin and fiancé Thomas Jacobs return to Paradise to buck up morale.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC

Is itching the same as pain? I have no freakin’ idea, but I can tell you what is painful: watching these last few episodes of “Bachelor in Paradise” Season 8.

A protracted argument between Aaron and Genevieve about whether itching is a low level form of pain — yeah, you can’t make this stuff up — was just one example of the aimless silliness cluttering this week’s two episodes.

Things started off Monday night with a funereal vibe as everyone on the beach continued mourning the departure of Rodney. Look, I think Rodney is great, too. I was disappointed that Eliza gave him a rose and then changed her mind the morning after, but that happened last week so why the heck were we still seeing everyone moping around?

I’m not saying they didn’t mope around but, you know, editing.

To add insult to injury, we were forced to watch footage of Eliza in Baltimore — you are correct, that’s nowhere near Paradise — trying to rekindle her great love, um, I mean her three-day romance with Justin.

And Justin turned her down!

Yeah, she showed up at his door, poured into a pair of jeans and a cute bustier, and he blew her off since she had picked Rodney over him at the rose ceremony!

“I flew across the country for you, I’ve only known you for three days,” Eliza complained after she made her exit.

Sorry Eliza, but that’s on you, as well as on the “Bachelor in Paradise” producers who wasted money and viewers’ time going off resort to pursue a potential love story that nobody gave a crap about.

And then we got back to the beach just in time to see the first of the new women arrive. And I know it’s not uncommon for new arrivals so late in the season but really, what the hell is the point?

First up was Mara from Clayton’s Bachelor season, who likes comparing herself to marinara sauce — because it’s spicy, I guess? Whatever.

She showed up with a date card and a bushel of overconfidence and settled on twin Justin since everybody else she talked to blew her off. This did not sit well with Justin’s current older woman, Florence, who at 31 is two years younger than Mara. Especially after Mara rubbed Flo’s face in it pre-date by boasting, “I just took a shot of tequila and I’m feeling all kinds of ready.”

“Battle of the cougars,” Victoria called it. And I’m sorry, but 30-somethings are not cougars. And why don’t we have a similar name for all the older men out there who chase younger women?

Mara and Justin went on one of those disgusting dates where the participants rub food all over each other’s bodies and thanks Bachelor in Paradise, you’ve now ruined churros for me.

There was some smooching to go with the chocolate sauce but the next day, just as Florence was packing up to leave, Justin decided he preferred her to Mara, which made Mara cry and really? Turning each other into human doughnuts does not a romance make.

On the other hand, Flo, I’m sure you could do much better, too, but she stayed.

And speaking of older women and younger men, beats me why the show is devoting so much time to Kate and Logan, who have about as much chance of forming a lasting relationship as I do of getting through an episode without rolling my eyes.

Kate was still moaning about Logan not being at her level financially. “He drives an orange Honda, he has a broken phone, he’s a dog walker,” she whined.

And listen, if she wants a man to bring home the bacon, fine, but why is she looking on a crab-infested beach in Sayulita, Mexico? I mean, the average contestant age in Paradise is not indicative of a cast full of self-made millionaires.

I actually feel bad for Logan at this point — and he was far from my favourite on Rachel’s and Gabby’s Bachelorette season — because he can’t seem to do anything right for Kate. She said she wants to be “wowed” and was still bellyaching that Logan didn’t forbid her from going on a date with that drip Hayden.

“It feels like you look down on me in some way,” Logan told her at one point in a rare moment of perception.

“I don’t at all,” lied Kate.

Somehow, they still wanted to be with each other but not for lack of sabotage attempts by the devious Bachelor producers.

Two new women came to the beach: Ency and Lyndsey from Clayton’s season — and why are there so many contestants from one of the worst Bachelor seasons ever?

Ency zeroed in on Andrew and, despite the fact she was sent home in Week 2 of “The Bachelor,” he knew who she was, so I guess she was on his list. To Jessenia’s consternation, he agreed to go on a date.

Lyndsey had worse luck but accomplished the goal of stirring up more unease between Logan and Kate.

Logan didn’t say an outright no to Lyndsey’s date card, telling her he had to talk to Kate first, and Kate was “spinning out.” But they got back to hugging and kissing and Lyndsey left because, unlike Mara, she can take a hint.

Rachel Recchia, right, and Gabby Windey, centre, give Kate Gallivan their “expert” opinion on Logan.

But before Logan could get comfortable in his ongoing discomfort with Kate, ex-Bachelorettes Rachel and Gabby showed up. Why? Apparently just so they could trash talk Logan.

Like I said, I was never one of Logan’s biggest fans, but by this stage Kate had spent more time with Logan than Rachel and Gabby combined, so what right did they have to cast aspersions on him?

You might recall Logan was Team Rachel on “The Bachelorette,” then switched to Team Gabby and then disappeared without a trace, allegedly due to getting COVID. “I don’t respect Logan. I don’t think Logan has changed. What are you gonna do?” Rachel challenged Kate.

Well, we had to wait a bit to find out because first we had to endure yet another argument between Aaron and Genevieve, which resulted in Genevieve once again packing her bags and trying to leave.

The crux of it was a disagreement about whether itching is a low level form of pain and I can’t even. I will leave the commentary to other people.

Florence: “I just hope it’s not about an STD.”

Wells: “I feel like this place is making me dumber.”

Bruce, the boom operator: “I’ll tell you what’s causing me pain is having to keep listening to this argument.”

Kudos to whoever showed footage of a raccoon scratching itself and superimposed the word “Ouch.”

Speaking of ouch, once Aaron had gone to once again waylay Genevieve on her way out, he said, “I know when you’re not emotional you are very sweet and you’re very nurturing, and there’s a reason I fell in love with you. When you’re emotional it just takes over everything.”

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag! Run, Genevieve, run!

But she stayed. Again.

In between all the fighting and fussing, we did get some reminders of what Paradise is allegedly about.

Michael and Danielle, while carefully avoiding use of the L-word, affirmed that they really care about each other.

Tyler and Brittany weren’t using the L-word either — at least not to each other’s faces — but they went on a date and they were so sweet together that I really hope they make it work post-Paradise.

And speaking of making it work after Paradise, ex-Bachelorette Becca Kufrin and her Paradise squeeze turned fiancé Thomas Jacobs waltzed in. In honour of the fact that Becca proposed to Thomas, there was going to be a 1990s-themed Sadie Hawkins dance, with the women inviting the men.

Kate claimed she still had to ascertain if Logan was a match long-term before asking him to the dance. And I don’t know how you determine such a thing with one conversation on the beach, but the next thing you know Kate was happy with Logan again.

I’m with Logan, it’s exhausting trying to keep up with Kate’s — dare I say? — flip-flopping.

And then it was time for fun, dancing, smooching! But you knew it wouldn’t last, right?

Andrew Spencer and Jessenia Cruz in a past episode.

Jessenia decided she needed to clear the air with Andrew and who can blame her for wanting some so-called closure, especially since this was her second time caught in a Paradise love triangle (remember Chris and Alana from Season 7)?

Well, Ency, that’s who.

She interrupted Andrew’s and Jessenia’s talk, but Andrew replied, “I have to finish this conversation, give me a sec.”

Instead, Ency kept stewing then walked over a second time, peevishly telling Andrew, “I don’t know what validation you’re giving her, but I’m asking you to please walk away from this with me right now if you care to pursue anything with us.”

Whoa, slow your roll, Ency!

Andrew did not walk away, explaining that he wanted to be friends with Jessenia afterwards. Plus, if they’d stopped talking, we wouldn’t have heard him confess to Jessenia: “My heart’s still with someone else: Teddi.”

To be honest, I had kind of forgotten that Andrew was into Teddi way back at the start of Paradise, until she left because she had feelings for both Andrew and Rodney.

Should Andrew have left after Teddi left? He told Jessenia he stayed because he had “hope” of finding love with someone else. And since we have seen very little footage of Andrew and Jessenia together we have no idea whether or how much he might have led Jessenia on.

But Jessenia left and then Andrew pulled Ency aside to tell her, too, that he was still into Teddi and he couldn’t be in Paradise anymore. And Ency did not take it well.

She cried and grovelled and begged and held on to Andrew to try to prevent him from leaving. Honey, have some self-respect. You’ve known the guy how long?

But leave Andrew did and so did Ency, crying so hard that her words were unintelligible. Was it the booze cry-talking? Not sure.

Anyway, that’s it until next week’s “shocking two-night finale event.” Host Jesse Palmer has teased that someone might even get married on the beach.

You can watch next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

A two-timer is banished from the beach on Bachelor in Paradise

September 8, 2021 /
“Bachelor in Paradise” “VIPs” at a party where the wheels came off for Chris Conran.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

Does a villain by any other name smell as rank?

It seems a question worth asking since on Tuesday’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise” Chris Conran stirred up a storm of moral outrage the likes of which I can’t remember seeing since supervillain Chad Johnson rampaged around the beach in 2016.

Yeah, Chris acted like a dick with a capital D, no question. He goes to a “VIP” party with Jessenia, the woman he allegedly came to Paradise for; Alana Milne, a Toronto contestant from Matt James’ Bachelor season, walks in and soon Chris is playing tonsil hockey with her in front of Jessenia and everyone else.

Not cool, no question. But was his flip-floppery worthy of them both being run off the beach, which is what happened at the end of the episode, after Chris and Alana had returned from a ziplining date?

Paradise’s version of judge, jury and executioner, led by Joe and Riley, decided that they must have had a pre-existing relationship — Alana said they had met a few times pre-Paradise — and told Chris to, in Jessenia’s words, “follow your heart and get the fuck out of here.”

(There’s a certain irony to the fact Chris said he had found a spark with Alana that he’d been missing with Jessenia, which is exactly what Jessenia said when she threw Ivan over for Chris. Karma, it’s a thing apparently.)

A rare moment between Alana and Chris at the party when they weren’t attached at the lips.

With Chris being banished, Alana had no choice but to go too. She would have been a pariah if she’d stayed. Chris suggested they leave together, but Alana sensibly pointed out that would mean they were pursuing a committed relationship “and after one day here I cannot tell you that.”

So to circle back to my first question: if Chris committed an unforgivable sin by throwing over one woman for another one he had met before, what about Brendan, who was very clearly in a pre-Paradise relationship before he screwed over Natasha by dumping her when his girlfriend Pieper showed up? And not just dumping her but saying insulting things about her, whereas Chris kept telling everyone how great Jessenia was.

“I feel the same way Jessenia feels,” said a puzzled Natasha. “You guys feel this strongly about Chris, but you don’t feel as strongly about my situation?”

Those chickens might come home to roost next Tuesday, according to the end-of-episode promos. We’ll see.

In the meantime, the game of musical partners continued with others besides Chris.

I’m sure you haven’t forgotten about Kenny, who started out with Mari, took up with Demi when Mari told him she was interested in dating other people, and then went on a date with Tia, putting him at the centre of the beach’s only lust quadrangle (so far).

Mari was trying to win Kenny back, a plan that was complicated when new guest host Tituss Burgess showed up and invited some of the cast to a “VIP” party. Demi and Kenny made the cut; Mari didn’t and she worried that Demi would use the bash to solidify her position with Kenny.

But here’s the thing: Demi’s only strategy for solidifying things apparently involved sex positions. Before Tituss showed up, she was still talking about getting Kenny back in the boom boom room.

Too bad for Demi that Kenny and Mari kissed and made up: it seems Kenny had feelings for Mari that he’d never felt before, which makes you wonder about this dude’s romantic history. He’s 40 and his most significant relationship to date is with someone he’s known for a few weeks and whom he was triple-timing?

When Kenny broke the news to Demi she ranted about how Mari was stuck up and mean and evil and a pageant girl, and why would Kenny want Mari instead of “someone like me who is playful and funny”? And then, when Kenny didn’t bite, she accused him of being “the most immature 40-year-old I’ve ever met in my life,” harsh words from an immature 26-year-old.

Meanwhile, the VIP party planted some other seeds of chaos, which was obviously the whole point.

Paradise newcomer Chelsea Vaughn chats with Thomas Jacobs at the party.

Chelsea Vaughn was one of four new women invited to the party and one of two, including Alana, who landed on the beach the next day with a date card in hand.

Chelsea chose to take Aaron, which was mildly annoying for former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin, who claimed she was interested in forming a relationship with him.

Aaron was quite taken by Chelsea’s legs, which he said were “two miles long”; Chelsea by Aaron’s eyes, which she described as “not regular brown.” It’s OK: you can pause and let the poetry wash over you.

Then, oh look: a date card arrives for Becca while Aaron is still out with Chelsea. And Becca, having had a “surprisingly good conversation” with Thomas at the party, decides to ask him on the date.

But Thomas was in a thing with Tammy, who had dumped Aaron for him, and now Thomas was going on a date with the woman who had saved Aaron’s ass after Tammy discarded him. Wow, you practically need a chart to keep up.

Becca asked Tammy’s permission first, and Tammy gave her blessing and then cried her eyes out after Becca and Thomas left.

The reaction she got was not quite as sympathetic as what was lavished on Jessenia.

“Tammy did it to herself,” said Maurissa, explaining that Aaron was like a “really good quarter” that was a little bit rusty, but Tammy got distracted by a “shiny penny.”

Aaron’s reaction, when he returned to the beach, was that Tammy deserved to cry: “She did me dirty and it’s coming back to bite her.”

So you probably don’t need me to tell you that Becca and Thomas hit it off, right? Complete with lots of smooching? No? Good. James was convinced that Thomas’s interest in Becca was mainly about her being a former Bachelorette, so higher in the pecking order than a former Bachelor villain.

In case you’re trying to keep track, Abigail and Noah, and Joe and Serena are the only Day 1 couples still going strong, unless you count Kenny and Mari getting back together.

Are there actually going to be any engagements at the end of this? Maybe the show should have budgeted for cubic zirconia instead of Neil Lane? Guess we’ll see.

Next week, Riley and Maurissa get into the whip cream; Kendall is not OK with Joe kissing Serena; next guest host Lil Jon shows up; general mayhem apparently ensues. Who knows? Maybe we’ll even get a rose ceremony.

You can watch at 8 p.m. Tuesday on ABC or online later at Citytv.com. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

The Bachelor sends home a favourite and lets in an interloper

February 9, 2021 /
Pieper and Matt spent part of their date at a carnival in the woods at Nemacolin. Wheee!
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC

Matt James took one of his dates to a private carnival on Monday night’s “Bachelor,” but it felt like viewers were the ones being taken for a ride.

I mean, is there any good reason why Heather Martin, a contestant from Colton Underwood’s season, would show up halfway through Matt’s season other than to stir up as much shit as possible?

Are ex-Bachelorette Hannah Brown and her pals in charge of casting now? Have the producers decided that Matt’s journey for love is a lost cause and they might as well pump up the drama any way they can?

I get that Matt’s chances of settling on someone to marry seem to dwindle every time he takes another woman on a one-on-one and claims he can picture a life with her. It’s like frontrunner roulette: Oh, he’s really into Bri . . . no wait, it’s Sarah . . . never mind, it’s Serena P . . . spoke too soon, it’s Michelle . . . oops, now it’s Rachael . . . er, it’s Kit? . . . sigh, now he’s into Pieper.

All this while his first impression rose winner, Abigail, is consigned to group date purgatory week after week.

And now Heather comes strolling in like she’s freakin’ Cinderella at the ball? Ridiculous. The only purpose it serves is to drive the other women crazy, just when things were settling down after weeks of sniping and bullying in the house.

Matt with MJ back before he got tipped off to her new girl-baiting ways.

So about that, one of the last of the mean girls got dispatched early in the episode.

You might recall from last week that MJ and Jessenia were on an instant two-on-one after Jessenia outed MJ as an “antagonist” for making the newer contestants feel unwelcome.

MJ figured she could fluff her hair, put her “weak bitch moment” behind her and that Matt would believe her crap about spreading harmony and peace. He did not. She got escorted to an SUV of Shame and driven away, complaining about how “petty” Jessenia was.

Matt was supposedly so exhausted from refereeing MJ vs. Jessenia that he couldn’t endure a cocktail party with the rest of the women ahead of the rose ceremony. That made Ryan and Pieper cry. Serena C, a.k.a. Mean Girl Jr., blamed it on Katie. Like huh?

Matt gave roses to Serena P, Michelle, Pieper, Bri, Chelsea, Katie and Serena C (Jessenia, Kit, Abigail and Rachael already had them), thereby ensuring the Katie-Serena C drama would continue. Magi, who seemed like a sweetheart from what little we saw of her, went home, along with two of the new girls, Ryan and Brittany, which makes you wonder what was the point of bringing them in in the first place. Oh right, drama.

Speaking of drama, the next day Serena C confronted Katie to complain that Katie’s “antics” were costing her time with Matt. “You’re lighting all these little fires everywhere. You’re the freakin’ arsonist,” complained Serena. It escalated into a shouting match. The silliest part? Neither Serena C nor Katie stood a chance in hell of ending up with Matt, so WHY ALL THE YELLING?

Little did they know an even more disruptive force was pulling up at the gates of the resort. It was Heather Martin asking to see host Chris Harrison.

“Heather, what are you doing here?” asked Harrison, echoing all of Bachelor Nation.

Heather explained that her pal Hannah Brown, who met Matt early in the pandemic when she quarantined with him and Tyler Cameron, had told Heather that Matt was her “perfect match.” “I couldn’t let him get engaged and not meet him and not try my best,” said Heather.

Well, we’re six weeks into the season now, so yeah, you could.

Harrison said he had to talk to some other people before deciding if Heather could stay, which meant he and some other people were going to pretend to debate letting Heather in while having a good laugh about how upset the other contestants would be when they saw Heather on rose ceremony night.

Matt and Pieper with country trio Temecula Road. Don’t worry, they all had their COVID tests.

In the meantime, Matt had a one-on-one with Pieper. He waited till after dark, drove her to a wooded area of the resort, made her walk into the trees and voila: a whole mini carnival with rides and games and junk food.

Yes, it was pretty sweet. Later, Pieper told Matt about how her family doesn’t use the word “love” and so it was hard for her to express her emotions, but she somehow summoned up the courage to tell Matt she was falling in love with him. Matt told Pieper he wanted her to continue trusting him with her feelings and her heart, which seems like a really bad idea if you ask me.

There was a rose, there was kissing, there was a band. Yes, a country band. What else?

Serena C. works off her Katie aggression with some bowling.

Next up, the group date ladies — Bri, Kit, Rachael, Michelle, Jessenia, Serena P, Abigail, Chelsea and Serena C — went bowling with Matt. They were split into two teams, even though there were nine of them, and the losing team was banished from the cocktail party even though they came back from an almost 200-point deficit and lost by a measly six points. What’s worse is that Matt let them walk back to their suite, frustrated and angry, and waited to send over a date card inviting them to the party.

Double the drama: the losing team was riled up and then they got to disappoint the winning team, who’d been thrilled they only had to divide Matt’s time four ways.

Chelsea took it particularly hard, until Matt assured her that he could see himself with her — well, who can’t he see himself with at this point? — but Michelle got the date rose.

And then it was Katie’s turn for a one-on-one, but first Matt reconnected with his bestie Tyler Cameron over a game of pool and talk of Katie’s “cactus-size vibrator” (um, ouch?). Matt said getting advice from Tyler gave him confidence because he’d seen the process “work” for Tyler except . . . did he actually watch Hannah’s season, because I’m pretty sure she picked Jed. And now she’s apparently dating some model.

Anyway Katie arrived for her date and it looked like she and Matt were going to spend the afternoon at the hotel spa. All right, not a carnival in the woods, but OK. But then Matt told Katie that Tyler was coming in for a massage, and Matt and Katie were going to hide in a little room watching on a monitor and secretly telling the actor pretending to be a masseuse what tricks to play on Tyler and . . . this is a date? I mean, yes, Tyler without a shirt on, I get it. But really?

Matt and Katie have a laugh on a previous episode.

The choice of date was the first clue that Katie was stuck in the friend zone. The unsmiling look Matt gave her at dinner when she said she wanted her love story to be Matt’s love story was another. But then he picked up the rose, so maybe she was going to stick around after all.

Instead Matt blathered a bit about how much their relationship had grown and how she set the tone in the house and how much she meant to him, but sorry, it wasn’t enough to give her a rose.

Katie kept her head high and her eyes dry as she left. Hopefully she remembered to pack the vibrator.

There’s already a groundswell of support building for her to be the next Bachelorette.

It was time for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. The women seemed friendly and contented. They figured the drama was behind them. And then Heather showed up, got stuck in the revolving door, smiled and waved at the women as she walked past them, and interrupted Matt with Pieper.

Matt laughed so hard when Heather walked in I figured maybe he’d heard a clip of her saying she was ready to fall in love with Matt and get engaged. As if.

The other women were not laughing. As my Toronto girl Serena P put it, “If she gets a rose tonight I’ll be rageful.”

Next week, yes, there’s definitely some ragefulness and some tears and Heather complains that people are being mean. Like, what the hell did she expect?

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

The chickens come home to roost for two Bachelor ‘antagonists’

February 2, 2021 /
Matt James and friend on a farm-themed group date. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC

Matt James brought out the Swiffer on Monday night, but what he needed was a heavy duty mop.

The Bachelor, tipped off to all the toxic nonsense swirling around the women, decided to clean house — and it almost worked.

Once Queen Victoria and her mean girl protege Anna had been sent packing, it seemed like something approaching civility might be restored among the contestants. When nice girl Rachael got a one-on-one date nobody called her “slutty” or a “ho.” Sure, the other women were disappointed it wasn’t them, but a few of them even clapped for Rachael.

Even the goat she was trying to milk didn’t want anything to do with MJ.

The goodwill didn’t last, though. MJ, who managed to avoid the purge that eliminated Victoria and Anna, got outed on the group date as an “antagonist” by Jessenia. The episode ended with the pair of them on an instant two-on-one and MJ gaslighting so hard it was like she was Charles Boyer and Jessenia was Ingrid Bergman.

I’m going to go out on a fairly sturdy limb and say that Matt won’t swallow MJ’s balderdash about spreading harmony and peace next week. But, in the meantime, let’s relive the fall of Queen Victoria.

After Katie tipped off Matt to the bad blood between the new women and the so-called OGs, it was fairly certain that a couple of troublemakers were headed for the SUVS of Shame.

Anna with Matt in the proverbial “happier times,” at last week’s rose ceremony.

First up was Anna, who you’ll recall gleefully spread a false rumour that newcomer Brittany was an escort back home in Chicago.

Matt heard the tale firsthand from a tearful Brittany. “This is on national TV,” she said. “My mom watches this show and this could ruin my entire life.”

Anna apologized to Matt, but her tears and her explanation of how horrible she felt weren’t good enough for a reprieve. And it was amazing how contrite everyone else got after they watched Matt walk Anna out of the hotel. “Kiss-assery” was what Serena C accurately called it, although she should have been kissing ass right along with the rest.

Queen Victoria’s reign finally came to an end and not with a rose, like last week.

Victoria even apologized to Catalina for taking her Miss Puerto Rico crown the night she arrived and then she sucked up to Brittany, but it was newbie Ryan who laid the groundwork for Victoria’s dethroning by telling Matt, “She told me to my face that because I’m a dancer, she flat out stated that I was a ho.”

The best part was that Victoria seemed to think she could bullshit her way out of it. She told Matt that her comment about Ryan being a ho was taken out of context, to which Matt replied, “I’m just curious, like what context would calling somebody a ho be acceptable to be taken in?” Yes! Thank you Matt.

Victoria just looked at him and played with her hair, but she had plenty to say to whichever producer had been babysitting her.

“Ryan, she’s the shadiest bitch and I hope I don’t get sent home because of that,” Victoria whined, loudly enough for Ryan and some of the other women to hear.

“Literally, there’s no one here he can marry besides me . . . I’m the only one with a working brain in this room. I’m not even being rude, I’m being serious. If he’s gonna believe some idiot over me he’s not my person.”

Holy delusional, Batman. I can’t wait to see that clip replayed on “Women Tell All” and hear Victoria’s spin on it.

When Victoria finally did get sent home, along with Catalina, Lauren and Mari, she had the nerve to tell Matt, “I honestly feel so sorry for you that you would listen to hearsay and not all the facts behind this situation.”

In reply, Matt just looked at her, which was the perfect response.

So Victoria declared that Matt was no longer her king but a jester, which to my mind is not a bad thing. It means he gets the last laugh.

Rachael plays dress-up inside one of the hotel shops.

The next day, Rachael got the “Cinderella” date. Since there presumably weren’t any swanky stores open nearby (or none they’d break quarantine in the resort for), Rachael was taken to one of the shops inside the Chateau at Nemacolin and gifted with a bunch of designer dresses and a pair of Louboutins.

The dinner conversation was mostly standard talk about Rachael having self-doubt and being afraid to open up. The most significant thing was that she said she was falling in love with Matt and he said it back to her, and I do believe that’s the first time he’s said that to someone.

Imagine how pissed you’d be if you’d just watched Rachael come back to the suite with her arms full of bags of expensive clothes and you had to go on the group date and shovel poop. That’s what Serena P, Bri, Katie, Pieper, Serena C, Ryan, Michelle, Brittany, Magi, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia and MJ got to do, as well as milk a goat named Frenchie (who did not like MJ much at all) and gather eggs.

MJ thought she’d be cute and flirty and chase Matt after he threw an egg that broke in her hand, but he ran straight into Pieper doing an interview and began sucking on her face. Awkward.

Hey Matt, remember your first impression rose recipient, Abigail?

Put MJ aside for a moment while we talk about Abigail. I’ve been puzzled that the first impression rose winner has not yet had a one-on-one, which was also weighing on Abigail’s mind.

She told Matt she was afraid she would disappoint him, chiefly because he wants a family and there’s a good chance her children will be deaf like her and her sister. She also confessed her fear of opening up in a relationship after her birth father walked out on the family when Abigail and her sister got their cochlear implants. Matt, himself the son of a single mom as we all know, treated her confessions as fuel for a future together and gave her the date rose. So don’t count Abigail out just yet.

When MJ’s turn for a chat came, things weren’t quite so cordial. Matt told her that some of the other women had identified her as an “antagonist” in the house. MJ claimed to be shocked and hurt, and then promptly proved her bona fides as an antagonist by getting up in Jessenia’s face. Jessenia had told Matt how MJ referred to the original women in the house as the “varsity” squad and the newer women as “JV” or junior varsity.

I mean, I’d rather be called JV than a ho, but I see Jessenia’s point, which was that it made the newer contestants feel unwelcome. MJ claimed she’d “never been involved in anything,” which anyone who’s watched the season from the beginning knows is a bunch of hogwash.

Anyway, enough about MJ. It was time for Kit’s one-on-one. I confess on Night 1 I had Kit pegged as perennial group date fodder and perhaps a sparring partner for Victoria. But Matt had Kit come to his place to bake chocolate chip cookies and smooch a lot.

Kit talked about how growing up in the public eye as the daughter of designer Cynthia Rowley made her keep her emotions hidden and her walls up, but she was being really vulnerable (yes, that word again) for the very first time. She said she was starting to fall in love with Matt.

Matt didn’t say it back, but he said he was happy to have Kit on the journey and gave her a rose.

And just like that it was rose ceremony day again and a card arrived for MJ and Jessenia, telling them to meet Matt at the cocktail party ahead of the other women.

I won’t bore you with the full extent of the she said, she said.

Jessenia said MJ was a liar for not owing up to her part in the toxicity in the house. MJ said all she was doing was preaching peace and harmony (if by harmony you mean saying things like, “The new girls aren’t gonna try to, like, get to the front of the line. Let the varsity squad go in first,” then yes, very harmonious).

Jessenia, who I am totally re-evaluating due to the cool way she parried MJ’s BS, said, “You’ll find out the truth when all this airs and so will he.”

And then Matt walked in, looking grim, and the promo rolled for next week.

We know that Pieper will be pissed, Abigail will be angry, Serena C and Katie will clash, Tyler Cameron will put in an appearance and, lord help us, Heather Martin will make her long awaited (or is that dreaded?) return to “Bachelor” land.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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