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Tag: Kamil and Caitlin

Fantasy (suites) & reality collide on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

The cast of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” ahead of the final rose ceremony.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

You know that melancholy feeling you get at the end of a summer vacation? You had a blast, but you’re about to head back to reality?

That was Sunday’s penultimate episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

With the season about to end, couples were folding like cheap tents and Camp Paradise was emptying out.

And what reward would we get for our nine weeks and counting of watching these Canadian and American singles mingle? Engagements perhaps?

One maybe; two if we’re really lucky, but the way the episode ended even fantasy suites were feeling like a stretch.

(And just a note, given the lack of “fantasy” accoutrements we glimpsed when Brendan M and Angela opened the door to theirs, perhaps the Canadian show needs to come up with a different name. Intimacy suites, maybe? Cut-rate fantasy suites?)

There was to be no happy ending for Stacy Johnson and Mike Ogilvie.

The wheels on the true love narrative started coming off even before the final rose ceremony when Mike told Stacy he wouldn’t feel right accepting a rose from her.

Of course, Mike had been accepting Stacy’s roses and vice versa since he first arrived in Week 3. He told Stacy she was “a gorgeous girl who’s an amazing personality” whom he liked a lot, but they agreed they weren’t where they needed to be emotionally with potential engagements just around the corner — although the subtext from Stacy’s perspective was that had more to do with Mike than with her.

She was in tears when she told the other campers she was leaving. “I deserve love. I deserve someone that knows what they want and knows what they have when they have it,” she said.

Amen to that. Sorry to see you go Stacy, you’re one of the good ones. Mike, hmmm.

No one else chose to forgo a rose and Angela’s, Kit’s, Lisa’s, Caitlin’s and Illeana’s were handed out in short order. Maria’s was the only question mark, although it wasn’t really.

Maria Garcia-Sanchez had both Josh Guvi and Karn Kalra vying for her rose.

Karn, who showed up just last week with a cocky confidence befitting his job as an actor, tried his best to wrest it from Josh, but Maria warned him, “It’s really hard to have a connection with someone you just met.”

She kind of just met Josh too, but she just met him sooner than Karn, plus Josh finally kissed Maria — though I’m not sure the reaction you want after you’ve laid a smooch on someone is for them to laugh loudly. (For the record, Maria tweeted Sunday she laughs when she feels nervous.)

Maria explained that she wasn’t as “open physically and romantically” as other people, plus the fact she got her rose from production rather than a man made her feel like “second choice” — that would actually be fourth choice if we’re counting the other women Josh had already kissed.

Nonetheless, Maria gave her rose to Josh, saying “the more I get to know Josh the more I like.” It was a good pick. Never mind Karn ungenerously saying, “Maria, you fucked up” as he departed.

The next day, with roses in hand and no new arrivals to disrupt the couples, it seemed like everyone could get on with exploring their connections, as they say, and then host Jesse Jones arrived and used the f-word. No, not that one: fantasy suites.

“Take this as the last opportunity to figure out if you’re both really looking to take things to the next level because, if not, you and your partner will be heading home from Camp Paradise today,” he said. Dunh dunh dunh dunh.

Is anyone surprised that Josh and Maria said no to a fantasy suite? Why would she want to spend the night with him when she didn’t even really want to kiss him? They went their separate ways, albeit expressing gratitude for having met each other.

Is there mutual squirrel appreciation in Connor Rogers’ and Lisa Mancini’s future? Guess we’ll see.

Likewise, Connor and Lisa felt a fantasy suite was too much pressure for their fledgling relationship and said they’d continue to figure it out away from camp. “See you soon,” Connor said after they hugged and kissed.

I wasn’t sure which way Alex and Kit were going to go considering how little we’ve seen of them together since their first date in Week 3. And that’s a shame because I think we missed out on a warm, respectful relationship. I love that Alex put glitter on his cheek to match the sparkle under Kit’s eyes and on her dress at the rose ceremony, for instance.

Too bad we didn’t see more of Kit Blaiklock and Alex Bordyukov during the season.

But when push came to shove, Kit told Alex she needed “to love myself more and be stronger on my own” to be the partner he deserved, so they’d be skipping the fantasy suite and parting ways.

Alex was disappointed, but he said Kit made Paradise “one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever been through . . . I’m happy I got to know such an incredible woman.”

Awwwwwwww.

With three couples down, it seemed like the remaining three were shoo-ins for fantasy suites.

Angela and Brendan M were the first to take Jesse up on the offer.

Turns out Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan are the strongest couple in Paradise, who knew?

They did a “memory lane” tour that included the two docks where they snuggled and watched sunsets and stars, the amphitheatre where they shared their first kiss and the bar stools where they first met.

They left out the cabin stairs where Brendan blew Angela off before he went on a date with Maria. Although, to be honest, the more I think about it the more that whole thing seems like a plot device cooked up by production.

Angela wrote Brendan M a letter in which she said that despite the “speed bumps along the way” — which, just to refresh your memory, included his flirtation with Stacy and her going on a date with Josh — “we always somehow make our way back to each other.”

“I genuinely feel as though I’m falling in love with you,” Brendan told Angela, as orchestral music swelled in the background.

“Really? I’m falling in love with you too, for real,” Angela replied.

Brendan also said he could see himself giving Angela a ring.

And then it was off to the, er, fantasy cabin where, instead of the high thread count linens, candles, rose petals and jacuzzis we usually associate with fantasy suites, we glimpsed what looked like plywood walls with a framed poster that said “Life is better by the lake.” Now, that’s what I call an aphrodisiac!

And what of the other Brendan, Scanzano, and his Day 1 sweetie, Illeana?

Illeana Pennetto was portrayed as having doubts about getting engaged to Brendan Scanzano.

I suspect they’ll end up in the fantasy suite, but production was doing its best to make it seem like a question mark.

They’d already said they loved each other but now, Illeana said, “logic needs to come into play.”

She’s not wrong. Cross-border “Bachelor” relationships don’t have a good track record (although it seems like Chicagoan Joe Amabile and Torontonian Serena Pitt are still together).

And while Brendan kept saying he wanted to do what made Illeana happy, she kept expressing doubts that they were on the same page as far as making things work outside Paradise. Whether those are doubt doubts or “production wants to make it look like we won’t end up together” doubts remains to be seen.

Still, Brendan S and Illeana seemed rock solid compared to Kamil and Caitlin.

Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens seemed unlikely to get to a fantasy suite after Sunday’s episode.

Those two have been Paradise exclusive since Episode 2, after they got their respective flirtations with Vay and Chris out of the way. But the episode ended with Kamil walking away from Caitlin in the midst of what seemed like a mini-meltdown.

As with any of the disagreements we’ve seen between Kamil and Caitlin, it can be hard to disentangle exactly what’s going on.

It started with Kamil saying he wanted to leave with Caitlin before the rose ceremony, let alone the fantasy suites — perhaps to avoid the awkward experience of not proposing to Caitlin in the finale the same way he didn’t propose to Annaliese on U.S. “Paradise”? I don’t know, just my speculation. But Caitlin wanted to spend more time with Kamil in Paradise, so he agreed to go to the fantasy suite after all, saying he didn’t want to dwell in the past.

So what went wrong? They started talking about the distance between New York and Toronto, and whether Kamil was good at texting and calling (he said he likes to keep his phone on silent), and things started going south after Kamil said he planned to FaceTime Brendan S every day, which seemed to make Caitlin a little jealous.

Kamil said it wasn’t a big deal: he just wanted to leave Paradise with Caitlin, but Caitlin wanted to have a post-Paradise plan in place.

Kamil said he felt like Caitlin was putting him in the “hot seat” and wasn’t behaving like the “sweet” and “gentle” person he knew. Um, gender stereotyping much?

“Right now it feels to me like you don’t even want to take this outside of here,” Kamil told her

“Quite frankly, I don’t know if I want to leave and work on anything if we can’t resolve it here,” Caitlin answered.

Saying that Caitlin seemed like “a totally different person” and that their conversation seemed like a “fucking prank or something,” Kamil walked away from a distressed Caitlin.

“I’m having flashbacks to my bad time in Paradise when I was sitting in the hot seat and the whole world hated me,” Kamil said. “It was like a nightmare that was unfolding in front of me and I can’t believe it’s happening for a second time.”

Well, boo hoo hoo to that.

On next week’s finale, besides more Kamil and Caitlin drama and Illeana continuing to express doubts about Brendan S, Brendan M and Angela look proposal-ready and there’s a spicy “After the Final Rose” on tap. The highlight of that — or the lowlight, if you will — is Joey saying that he found Vay “in the arms of another guy” at the wedding he took her to, and that she and her friends talked shit about him. Not cool, Vay, not cool.

You can watch it unfold Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget the final “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Three new women shake up Bachelor in Paradise Canada

Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” was rocky for Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens
and Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Beware the quiet ones.

When three new women infiltrated Camp Paradise on Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” it wasn’t the two more aggressive ladies who caused the most disruption; it was the “really nice girl.”

There are now five more women than men on the beach — a bit of overkill, no, “Bachelor in Paradise Canada”?

And the three newbies all had date cards, but only one of the dates threatened the established order. More on that later.

As the episode opened, the campers discussed the flirtations of the night before (which you can read about here) and Nicole, one of last week’s newcomers, lamented that the people who were coupled up — essentially everyone but her and fellow new arrival Bianka — seemed unlikely to “budge.”

Bianka, who as a “Bachelor Canada” winner was kind of a marquee attraction when the cast was first announced, has had hardly any screen time and appeared to not even be trying to kindle any romantic sparks.

But that state of affairs didn’t deter Halifax fan contestant Sasanet, a.k.a. Sasa, who declared “Everyone’s gonna be obsessed with me” and who, in Brendan M’s words, wasn’t afraid to step on toes. She figured every man was fair game until they were engaged.

Mike Ogilvie reminded Sasanet Iassu a bit of Thor on their date.

So she chose “beautiful man” Mike for her date and Mike got to show off the physique she so admired on a slip and slide, even pulling Sasa along the slide at one point using just his brawny arms — “like Thor,” she said — as she held onto his ankles.

“Was he as good as Thor? No, but he met my expectations,” Sasa quipped.

Alas, it would have taken all of the Avengers to pull something resembling a decent conversation out of Mike and Sasa. That expression that opposites attract? Not in this case.

City girl Sasa made it clear she preferred a walk in the mall to hiking and when Mike asked her if she liked hardcore metal music, she replied, “Absolutely not, it stresses me out.”

Mike couldn’t wait to return to Stacy. “I’m very thrilled to be coming home to you,” he told her.

In the meantime, host Jesse Jones had announced the “Camp Paradise Bonfire,” which involved the campers sitting around a bonfire and asking each other anonymous questions that had been dropped into a box.

From left, Lisa, Illeana, Bianka, Vay and Sessa at the bonfire, with Josh, Brendan M and Kamil behind.

Mike got asked, “Why didn’t you tell Stacy about your interest in Caitlin before the rose ceremony?” His lame answer: he couldn’t find Caitlin to talk to for a week, which I guess is better than “I waited because production told me to.”

And then for Kamil: “Do you not realize all the girls notice you checking them out or do you just not care?”

Kamil hemmed and hawed and then settled on, “I didn’t think I was checking them out, but if that’s the case I guess I’ll admit to it. There’s a lot of beautiful people here in Paradise.”

Finally, Joey not so anonymously had a question for Vay: “Are you falling in love with Joey because I’m falling in love with you.”

Vay said she was definitely getting there although she needed more time because of her trust issues and that made Joey’s heart warm.

You want to know whose heart wasn’t warm? Caitlin’s.

She was brooding over Kamil’s admission to checking people out.

“I want somebody who’s got eyes just for me, like not on everyone else,” she told Kamil.

Kamil was annoyed but apologized, but only for the way he answered the question, which Caitlin called “lacklustre.”

That wasn’t the end of the discussion. Mike and Stacy told Kamil and Caitlin the reason they were being “targeted” by other people was because they spent so much time apart from the rest of the group.

Mike suggested Kamil go on other dates, like Mike had, to be sure his relationship with Caitlin was a “10 out of 10.”

Kamil disagreed. “Once you find something special in life I feel like you should keep it close,” he retorted, adding that he’d be happy to leave Paradise right then and there with Caitlin and make it work in the real world.

“That sounds like love to me. Would you say then you’re in love?” Mike asked.

Neither was willing to fess up to that.

It didn’t end there because the next day Kamil chastised Caitlin for not having his back and making a “big deal” over his checking people out comment. “I don’t feel I need to reassure you all the time,” Kamil said. Caitlin was aghast and said in her confessional she felt like she was being gaslit.

I think Mike’s right. One of these two should go on a date with a different person.

Onwards! A new day brought a new arrival: fan contestant Iva from Calgary.

Iva described herself as “aggressive in my pursuit.” Even “I got shade for days” Joey called her “blunt” for the way she fired questions at the men.

Josh Guvi gets to know Iva Mikulic, perhaps more than he bargained for.

But Josh found her “spicy” and agreed to go on a date. His current romantic interest, Lisa, kind of took it in stride, calling Josh “the Bachelor in Paradise.”

As for the date, it was all fun and games when it came to flying on a trapeze; less so when Iva demanded that Josh dump Lisa. “You make out with her I’ll fucking throw you in the lake,” Iva said. Well, all righty then.

Iva’s demand might have carried more weight if Josh had enjoyed making out with her. But when a producer asked Josh about his kiss with Iva, he kind of grimaced and diplomatically declared himself “undecided.”

Josh told Lisa all about the ultimatum when he came back to the beach. “Does that mean me and her are gonna have a problem?” asked Lisa. “I am the last person somebody wants a problem with. I’m small, but I’m mighty.”

Speaking of problems, Angela definitely had one.

The third new arrival was Maria, a Colombian-born, Toronto-raised designer who described herself as having Canadian “niceness” and Colombian “spice.”

To Joey, she was “a sweetheart of a girl,” someone he’d worked with in Toronto and gone on one unsuccessful date with. But as he gave Maria the lay of the Paradise land, Joey made it clear he had a deep connection with Vay — which didn’t make Vay any less jealous of the time Joey spent with Maria or the way he talked about her.

Guy after guy politely blew Maria off, letting her know they were taken — all except Brendan M. Brendan told Maria he was “definitely open” to “meeting new people and seeing if there’s possibility there.”

Uh oh.

When Brendan agreed to Maria’s date, he justified it by saying he and Angela had talked “in the past” about allowing each other to go on dates with new people, but the operative word was “past” — Angela clearly thought that kind of deal was behind them.

Angela summoned Brendan for a chat — the conversation they should have had before he agreed to go with Maria because tossing “All right?” over your shoulder as you walk away with someone else doesn’t really count. Brendan said he wanted Angela to just focus on what they had but also to give him the “respect” to go on this date.

Basically, he was unsympathetic to her distress, leaving her with a non-committal “Chat with you later,” not even a hug or a peck on the cheek.

Cold, dude, cold.

“It feels nice to be painted on,” said Brendan Morgan, with Maria Garcia-Sanchez. We bet!

He was all smiles when he and Maria met up to strip down to white bathing suits and throw paint on a drop sheet and each other, eventually rubbing it on each other’s bodies.

Still, Brendan hadn’t completely forgotten about Angela. As he and Maria shared drinks by a cosy fire, Brendan admitted he really wanted to kiss her but refrained because he didn’t want to disrespect Angela.

Bad news, Brendan, the “disrespect” horse bolted before you shut your lips, er, the barn door.

Angela was back at the beach, telling her besties Illeana and Caitlin she wasn’t sure she could completely trust Brendan anymore.

And then Brendan dropped the equivalent of a cow patty on the whole situation by returning from his date, spotting Angela with her friends and manoeuvring Maria over to a beach bed instead of talking to Angela.

Hey Brendan, I think we’ve solved the mystery of why you’re not in a committed relationship yet. You clearly have no idea how to commit!

Next week, it looks like neither Angela nor Maria is happy with Brendan M. There’s more tension between Joey and Vay over Maria. Iva continues her dogged pursuit of not only Josh but Mike. And is that Kevin Wendt’s lovely fiancee, Astrid Loch, helping him introduce the “Camp Paradise Twisted Talent Show”?

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Edited to correct the spelling of Sasa.

It’s kiss and run for one woman on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

The “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” cast in Episode 2 and yes, there’s an extra woman.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, including screen shots, courtesy of Citytv

If you want to couple up you better pucker up.

Kissing is both currency and communication on a “Bachelor” show. You want to stick around and buy yourself air time? Start sucking face, buttercup.

It was too much for Alice Li, the winner of a contest in which Canadians chose the “Perfect Companion” — although one wonders how much the Toronto accountant, listed as one of the Bachelor Nation fan contestants, knew going into “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

After kissing new arrival David — more on him later — she bowed out of a “Sadie Hawkins” dance that was such a smooch fest it must have set a record for a simultaneous “Bachelor” makeout sesh. It reminded me of an old-fashioned high school dance — if all the chaperones had suddenly gone blind or stopped giving a shit about their horny teenage charges.

Alice sat out the Sadie Hawkins dance and then the rest of the season.

Anyway, Alice eliminated herself the next day, explaining she was looking for “that emotional connection before any physical steps,” i.e. she wasn’t keen on kissing strangers.

It probably didn’t help that she went on a date with David Pinard, a Toronto actor and musician whose claim to fame on “The Bachelorette Canada” was giving the star the impression he was more interested in furthering his career than in her. Though David claimed to have turned over a new leaf, the rest of the Paradise cast wasn’t buying it.

“That was so fake,” Brendan Scanzano said after David teared up on hearing that Alice had left. “Get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me bro?” was Joey’s, ahem, measured reaction. David claimed he was going to give Alice his rose, this despite making it clear on their archery date that he wouldn’t put his eggs in anyone’s basket until he’d met “everyone” in Paradise.

And everyone included Ana, David’s date at the Sadie Hawkins — not Sadie Hopkins, Sarah Hoskins or Sarah Hopkins, by the way; it’s just a dance to which the women invite the men.

Couples pair off for the Sadie Hawkins dance in Paradise.

Before we get into who danced and smooched with whom (to Dean Brody’s “Canadian Summer” and OK, very Canadian, but must we ape the U.S. franchise’s country music fetish?), let’s back up and explore how last week‘s triangles resolved themselves, for the time being anyway.

You’ll recall that real estate agents Kamil and Caitlin were paired up until Caitlin’s real estate frenemy Vay arrived and took Kamil on a date, but then Caitlin snuggled with inventor Chris as a backup. Meanwhile, ex-CFL player Brendan Morgan was wooing both model Angela and interior design student Stacy.

Stacy decided to extricate herself from her triangle. Then Chris, after watching Caitlin in an intense kiss-a-rama with Kamil, decided to read the body language, er, the writing on the wall.

That’s about the time Stacy came around to check on Chris. Stacy said she was being a “friend,” but a teary-eyed Chris saw it as a sign from the Paradise gods. In fact, he told Stacy he’d wanted to meet her ever since seeing her on “Bachelor Canada.”

Chris Kotelmach shares his truth with new Paradise interest Stacy Johnson.

Inevitably, they kissed. Chris seemed to have upped his game a little from last week’s episode. Whereas Caitlin called Chris’s smooch “forced and a little unnatural,” Stacy said it “wasn’t bad.”

Not exactly high praise, but then again, Stacy seemed to have no problem locking lips with Chris on the beach as they slow danced.

And then there was Vay. Kamil at least had the courtesy to tell her he was vacating her for Caitlin before launching himself at Caitlin’s mouth. But Vay was having a hard time picturing herself as anybody’s second choice. “I already know I’m not your person. If you were my person, a connection with Caitlin wouldn’t stop that,” she told Kamil, a tad peevishly.

Vay then set her sights on Joey. I know, I know: Toronto glam girl and Alberta cowboy, who’d have thunk it? But they bonded when Joey opened up about his best friend who died when Joey was 14, coincidentally on April 27, Vay’s birthday. And also, they both liked the way the other kissed.

See, always back to the kissing.

So there were five matched sets going into the Sadie Hawkins, including Brendan S and Illeana, and Brenda M and Angela. That left David and Jeremy as the wildcards.

Once David had been claimed by Ana and Alice had bowed out, Jeremy had to decide between cos player Lisa and her roommate, model and content creator Kit. After kissing both of them he chose Kit, adding to what David ironically called Lisa’s “bad day.”

Why ironic? Because David was a big part of the reason she was having a bad day.

David Pinard bellies up to Kevin’s bar with Joey Kirchner and Lisa Mancini in the background.

The deets as Lisa relayed them to bartender Kevin Wendt: she and David went on a bunch of dates in Toronto, then she got invited to an “adult summer camp” as an influencer and David asked to tag along, but once there ignored her, told everybody he was famous and had sex with someone else. And that was the last time she spoke to him in the three years until he walked up to the Paradise bar.

David, Lisa said, “is like a used greasy car salesman . . . You won’t find out what a piece of crap you just paid for until it’s too late.”

David’s version was that Lisa wanted more than he could give and he tried to apologize after things ended in a way that “wasn’t the best,” but she wouldn’t respond to his overtures. FYI: I don’t think anyone believed his version, except maybe Ana.

Sadly, David was Lisa’s only chance at getting a rose — and no, after two episodes we still haven’t had a rose ceremony!

As weird as it would be to accept a rose from David, I’d be here for it if it meant Lisa could stick around. She’s funny and quirky and we need both those things in Paradise.

The status of Lisa’s rose wasn’t the only drama brewing as the rose ceremony crept near.

I have no idea why Chris thought it a good idea to ditch Stacy to talk to Caitlin so he could “understand the connection” they had — well, fine, drama — but he interrupted Caitlin and Kamil to ask Caitlin if she was interested in exploring “what we had.”

Dude, you had a couple of conversations and a kiss, but OK, let’s roll with it.

“I feel like you might be looking for an answer that I don’t think I can give,” was Caitlin’s ultimate response, given while a peeved Kamil hovered.

Kamil Nicalek and Chris talk Caitlin. “It’s gonna get scrappy,” Chris said.

Chris either has balls or he’s really good at taking producer direction because his next move was to approach Kamil to further stake his claim on Caitlin’s attention.

“Why are you coming for my girl?” Kamil asked.

“She’s not your girl,” Chris responded. “I have a very strong connection with Caitlin.”

“The connection is terminated,” said Kamil.

“I still feel something,” Chris argued.

“Chris, you can feel it for forever, but she’s not reciprocating that to you,” said an exasperated Kamil, following up with “What about Stacy?”

Chris walked away without answering Kamil’s repeated question — “Who ya gonna pick?” — and Kamil threw his drink in the sand. It wasn’t quite Aaron going nose to nose with Thomas and/or Ivan, and the drink glass was plastic, but we’ll take it.

So next week: a rose ceremony; comely new arrivals Alex Bordyukov, Mike Ogilvie and Josh Guvi as the women take the power of the rose; Brendan M waffling between Angela and Stacy . . . again; and Kamil pissing off Joey by suggesting that Vay’s too good for him.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv to see how it turns out. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

It’s canoes and canoodling on ‘Bachelor in Paradise Canada’

From left, Joey, Alice, Jeremy, Brendan M, Stacy, Kit, Lisa and Angela hang out
in the Canadian equivalent of the rose palapa. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Six makeout sessions, three triangles, one pre-emptive emotional breakdown, one brewing “cat fight.”

Were you worried Canadians would be too polite for drama? Pshaw.

OK, we haven’t had a quadrangle yet, a la Kenny, Mari, Demi and Tia on U.S. “Paradise,” nor have I seen a boom boom room, but the inaugural “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” season is still young.

What we did see on Sunday’s premiere episode was familiar — comely cast members ostensibly looking for love, confessionals, date cards, a bar to gather at, even a beach bed — but also its own thing. That includes a Canadian theme song: “We’re Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)” by Vancouver band Trooper.

Nobody is going to mistake that Northern Ontario lakeside setting for Mexico, not with its forest backdrop, the canoes and the Muskoka chairs, plus the funny animal shots are of seagulls, hawks, geese, ducks, robins and frogs rather than iguanas and crabs — no sign yet of the “friendly skunks” that bartender Kevin Wendt said he encountered.

Medicine Hat’s Joey Kirchner, with host Jesse Jones, let it almost all hang out on his “Paradise” entrance.

“Bachelor in Paradise” U.S. gave us a naked Kenny Braasch; “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” will see his six-pack abs and tattoos, and raise you a pink Speedo, cowboy boots and cowboy hat in Alberta construction worker and model Joey.

As his fellow Albertan, ex-pro football player turned yoga instructor Brendan M quipped, “The fact that Joey showed up here in a Speedo, I mean that shows a lot of balls; it literally shows a lot of balls” — and note there were no black bars on the crotch shots.

And then there’s Lisa, the squirrel-loving “mermaid” from Season 3 of “The Bachelor Canada,” who just might own the record for earliest tears ever on a “Paradise” season.

Lisa was crying because of things that hadn’t happened yet. “I literally have so much time to create conspiracy theories in my head,” the St. Catharines cos player declared to the other cast members.

She teared up telling Chris, the self-described “Renaissance man” from the sole “Bachelorette Canada” season, that she was expecting other people to be “pieces of shit,” a phrase she used several times on camera — including once when she fell off her six-inch heels.

“Nobody told me we’d be at the beach,” she complained to Kevin, refusing his suggestion to take the shoes off because she’d lose her “power” if she lost her height.

Speaking of power, New York real estate dude Kamil — he of the awkward TV breakup with U.S. “Paradise” ex Annaliese — mistook Lisa at first for Shushanna, the woman who got a witchcraft edit on “Paradise” after she stalked Kamil and burnt his photo in a fire. And, oh yeah, Shushanna also cried a lot.

Kamil Nicalek called Caitlin Clemmens “Clementine” because she was “a sweet time.”

Kamil had the distinction of being part of two triangles: one with Chris and Toronto real estate agent Caitlin, a vet of both the U.S. “Bachelor” and “Paradise”; and one with Caitlin and Veronique, a.k.a. Vay, a Toronto by way of Sudbury real estate agent who just happens to be Caitlin’s nemesis. What a coincidence!

Why does Caitlin dislike Vay? No idea. The former said, “It’s not a conversation that needs to be had on TV” when other cast members pumped her for deets. Vay, who turned up late with date card in hand and chose Kamil — duh — told him she had no idea why Caitlin disliked her.

Kamil vowed to stay neutral like Switzerland or Canada in the beef between the two — if by neutral you mean calling Caitlin his “number one priority” but then kissing Vay a lot.

Chris Kotelmach with Ana Cruz, left, and Caitlin Clemmens, a.k.a. “fuck, what’s her name?”

Chris, meanwhile, had decided Caitlin was going to be the mother of his children, even though at one point he couldn’t remember her name. He took advantage of Kamil’s absence to snuggle with Caitlin and, eventually, kiss her. And the kiss was, to quote Caitlin, “Um, I don’t know,” and also “forced and a little unnatural,” although to Chris it was a double “wow.”

Kisses, as you may know, are a sore point for Chris since in “Bachelorette Canada,” it was Jasmine Lorimer refusing to kiss him that preceded him being sent home. But Caitlin decided to keep Chris in her back pocket to protect herself while Kamil was dallying with Vay.

The other triangle involved Edmontonian Brendan M, American model, “Bachelor” and “Paradise” vet Angela and Vancouver “Bachelor Canada” alum Stacy.

Angela Amezcua only had eyes for former CFL player Brendan Morgan’s green eyes.

Brendan smooched both of them pretty extensively, which shows he developed skills as a player beyond his football days with Winnipeg and Edmonton. Angela seemed to have the edge on kissing though, with Brendan saying, on a scale of 1 to 10, kissing her required “another scale.”

And then there was the other Brendan: Scanzano, as in the man of mystery from Katie Thurston’s “Bachelorette” season, since viewers couldn’t seem to figure out who he was and why he was still there.

He was first to arrive, by boat — so if you’re all trying to figure out where this was filmed, clearly it’s on an island — and the first to form a much coveted connection, with New Yorker Illeana from Matt James’ “Bachelor” season.

Brendan Scanzano called Illeana Pennetto “the real deal.” Um, well, we’ll see.

They were also the first couple that we saw kissing, on a beach bed no less. Brendan seemed all in, although Illeana warned him she would go on a date with someone else if they invited her. I think that’s what they call foreshadowing, folks.

Indeed, the season promo showed Illeana kissing someone who was not Brendan, not unless Brendan cut his hair, dyed it and grew a face full of stubble.

Also, according to multiple cast members in said promo, there’s a “storm” coming — ya think? — with tension on the menu between Kamil and Joey, between Kamil and Chris, between Caitlin and Vay, between Lisa and the yet-to-arrive David of “Bachelorette Canada” and who knows who else? A towel is flung, a glass is flung, Joey’s threatening to make mince meat of a coyote — pronounced cuy-oot — that’s scaring a mare; Kamil is comparing himself to a gorilla and Chris to a rooster.

It’s a jungle, er, a forest out there.

When the episode ended without a rose ceremony — another chip off the American block — there were nine women vying for six roses, only one of which looked like a sure thing.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv to see how it turns out. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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