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Tag: Lisa

Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Babes on the beach, dogs too

May 30, 2023 /

There was a second rose ceremony on “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.” Three men went home, one of them voluntarily. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

Welcome to the Lisa-naissance.

Striking a blow for quirky girls everywhere who like to talk to squirrels, Lisa Mancini was continuing to burn up the beach on Monday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

In the words of her friend Joey Kirchner, another Canadian cutie who’s looking to play the field, “She’s coming through just putting that tongue wherever she wants to blow it. It’s fantastic.”

In Lisa’s own words, “The Lisa Renaissance is in full effect.” Also, “the makeout bandit strikes again.”

Be mad about it if you want. Somebody on the Canadian production staff got the “more drama” memo.

Lisa was kissing all the boys and only one of them was crying in his red wine.

Well, OK, she only kissed two boys Monday: American “Paradise” alum Connor Brennan and newbie Jake Ondrus.

Jake Ondrus, centre, with Austin, Sam, Chelsea and Joey, turned Lisa’s head.

As an aside, whatever the women are seeing in Jake is not translating all that well through the TV screen. He does seem like a pretty chill guy, mind you. Lisa said he was spiritual. They talked about the “magic of the universe.” What do I know? I’m just a cynical TV critic.

Lisa said Jake was “a serious candidate,” although she was also still interested in Connor.

She definitely wasn’t feeling Quartney, who was blaming Lisa for the fact he hadn’t made connections with any other women. Here’s a question: if you keep banging your head against the same wall, is it the wall’s fault?

Also, you think any of the other women wanted to connect with Quartney after seeing how intense he got with Lisa after one date? And not a “date” date, a Paradise date.

Quartney tried, though, and got shut down by Nithisha and Meagan, which prompted him to throw his plastic wine glass and stomp off — well, inasmuch as one can stomp on sand — saying, “I’m done with y’all.”

Kevin Wendt, bartender and good egg, talked Quartney down, telling him to take a breath before doing anything crazy.

Also, his departure would obviously play better if he waited to make a speech at the rose ceremony. That’s not Kevin saying that; that’s me.

Edward Naranjo makes his pitch for Nithisha Ketheeswaran’s rose.

The next evening, with a rose ceremony looming, the focus shifted to Nithisha. Seeing as how Garrett was getting closer to Meagan — they had a private dancing and smooching party, y’all — Nithisha was taking applications for a friendship rose. The candidates included her former kissing partner, Edward; new guy Godfrey and an increasingly desperate Quartney.

Ding, ding, ding. Nithisha is the winner of the villain edit. I’m not sure what the difference is between Lisa not being sure who to give her rose to and Nithisha not being sure who to give her rose to. But Nithisha gave hers to Edward after supposedly telling other people he wasn’t there for the right reasons, so that made her decision “strategic.” I guess that’s a bad thing?

Like, wouldn’t you want to be strategic playing a game like “Bachelor in Paradise”?

The rose ceremony did happen — I guess we’re getting one every two episodes now. And Quartney got his close-up, telling host Sharleen Joynt and his fellow contestants that since he hadn’t found his person he was going to leave rather than potentially (read: almost certainly) not get a rose.

From there it went pretty much like clockwork, with Celine giving a rose to Joey; Chelsea to Austin; Meagan to Garrett; Sam to Cole; and Maria to Matia (oh honey, he is so not into you).

And then Lisa hemmed and hawed between Jake and Connor. She might have been confused. I wasn’t. Connor is third in the opening credits and they aren’t alphabetical. I believe he is what the folks on “Game of Roses” call a protected player.

Jake might have felt he was more exciting for Lisa than Connor; not so the producers.

Anyway, Nithisha gave the final rose to Edward, paving the way for the next day’s fallout.

Connor told Lisa that Jake was a “jackass” and “not a genuine person.”

First off, Connor was pissed that Lisa had been (allegedly) undecided about him and Jake. “At this point, I’m not all in on Lisa,” he said in his in-the-moment interview.

Also, Sam and Maria gave Nithisha a talking to. “You say one thing and then the next afternoon you change,” accused Maria. “We just feel like you wanted to play a strategic game and it wasn’t a heartfelt game,” added Sam.

Nithisha insisted she was there for love. Where she lost me, however, was when she called Godfrey “Godwin” and, after being corrected by Maria, retorted, “I’ll call him whatever I want to, OK.” Uh, OK, but that’s his name?

Anyway, a couple of new women had come to the resort: 31-year-old fan Paige Allen and “Paradise Canada” returnee Ana Cruz, 27.

Paige, who described herself as “a blond bombshell,” “party Paige,” but also “your worst nightmare,” got a little catty with a bikini-and-cowboy-boots-clad Sam, saying, “I was gonna wear my cowboy boots with my outfit, I thought it would look too much like a stripper.” Meow.

However she eventually fits in on the beach, Paige perfectly fit the narrative of tension between Lisa and Connor since Paige took Connor on her date. I would have definitely picked the guy who admired my skeleton tattoo, if I had one, over the guy who said his type was “fake asses, fake boobs.” Hello Matia.

If Connor had any designs on doing some retaliatory smooching with Paige, it must have gone by the wayside when they found out they were babysitting for Kevin and Astrid Wendt (formerly Loch). Kevin and Astrid went on the actual date, leaving their baby August and dogs Ace and Bean with Connor and Paige.

Kevin and Astrid Wendt trust August, Ace and Bean to Connor and Paige.

I’ll admit it was cute. Connor took out his ukulele and made up a song for the babe and the pooches.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Lisa wasn’t exactly pining for Connor. She and Cole spent more alone time together, during which they established they were both very attracted to each other but were afraid of hurting Connor and Sam. So they didn’t kiss. They just nuzzled a lot. I guess rubbing someone’s butt and kissing their neck doesn’t count as making out.

When Connor came back from his date and told Lisa that he didn’t kiss Paige, Lisa decided not to tell Connor about her interlude with Cole, even though she was planning to spend more time with Cole that night.

The only other development was that Ana took Edward on a canoe date, on which they bonded over their shared Latino heritage, their interest in cooking and their closeness to their moms. Also kissing.

Nithisha is clearly going to have to get her next rose from someone else.

Next week: Cole and Lisa break their no-kissing rule; Paige makes a play for Matia; Austin goes on a helicopter date with new arrival Tessa; Joey smooches Sam; and Josh Guvi makes his return.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Follow the bouncing lips

May 23, 2023 /

Joey Kirchner and Celine Paquette are hell-bent for leather in the first
“Bachelor in Paradise Derby.” PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

I don’t blame you if, after watching Monday’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” you feel as if you were being bounced around on one of the inflatable horses in the Bachelor in Paradise Derby.

To quote the eminently quotable Joey as he prepared to bounce to victory: “Hold on tight, honey, we’re about to go.”

And go the cast did: bouncing back and forth between kissing partners.

Austin and Chelsea seem like the only safe bet on the beach so far, although I would have said that last season about Brendan and Illeana, so I reserve the right to be skeptical.

Let’s start with ex-“Survivor” contestant Cole Medders, one of the hottest commodities on the beach.

He gave Sam his rose last week despite being pursued by both Celine, who’s now with Joey, and Rianna, who’s now gone. So he and Sam are solid now, right? Right?

If by solid you mean they both kissed other people — more than once — this episode, then sure, like a rock.

It started with Cole smooching Lisa and not feeling particularly guilty about it. He ‘fessed up to Sam right away, who lied and said it didn’t bother her. But I’m thinking Sam calling Lisa “toxic” in her in-the-moment interview is a dead giveaway that she was pissed.

(And did I mention Sam and Lisa were roommates at the Christie’s Mill Inn and Spa in Port Severn, Ont.? So awkward?)

Lisa Mancini is “trying to live Paradise as it should be lived,” lips first.

Sam claimed it was about Lisa feeling threatened by Sam and wanting to make her feel like shit. Me, I don’t think it has anything to do with Sam.

“This is my year in Paradise, so I’m living it the way I want to live it, to the fullest,” Lisa said.

You know who didn’t pretend to be OK with Lisa kissing Cole? Quartney.

“I’m disgusted. I do not like a girl who’s making out with multiple dudes. This is not OK,” Quartney huffed in his ITM.

Dude, do you know what you signed up for? I know you were on “Bachelorette” and not “Bachelor in Paradise,” but tell me you’ve at least watched the show.

“You’re making me sound slutty,” Lisa complained to Quartney, who didn’t seem apologetic about that.

“Why can’t you just see something with me? Like, can we not just try this?” Quartney pleaded. “We keep getting distracted because of you.”

Pssst, Quartney, maybe it’s you and your possessiveness that are the issue.

As Connor, Lisa’s other sometime kissing partner, put it the next day, “You don’t own her . . . We’re in Paradise to explore connections with people and part of that is kissing people.”

Yes, and that’s something that Sam seemed to get . . . when it was her kissing someone else.

She perked up considerably when newcomer Jake Ondrus, a 22-year-old personal trainer and holistic nutritionist, asked her on a date. To be fair, she wasn’t the only one eyeballing him. Jake was practically giving “Bachelor” vibes as he sat on a couch surrounded by eager women.

Sam Picco and new arrival Jake Ondrus were digging each other’s energy.

Sam said they went “really deep really fast,” which apparently had something to do with Jake talking about “mind, body, soul connection” and Sam saying she was an “empath” and a “manifester.”

On their date, they manifested sexy time on a Harley Davidson, dressing up in leathers, including hot pants and a bikini top for Sam and, eventually, no shirt for Jake. And as they straddled the bike for a photo shoot, face to face, there was inevitably some kissing, quite a lot of it actually.

So was Sam really thinking about Cole “constantly” on her date, even when she kissed Jake “20 times”? Unknown.

Was Cole thinking about Sam when he kissed Lisa again?

Cole defended himself to Sam by pointing out that she was on a date — a kissing cousin of the infamous “We were on a break” defence from “Friends” perhaps?

He insisted he was excited to build on his relationship with Sam, but I can’t blame Sam for being uncertain where she stands with Cole.

A couple more couples were on the chopping block.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Meagan dumped Matia. No takers? I thought not.

Meagan wanted Matia to be “open” with her. Matia wanted her to be patient with his reluctance to be fully himself, which is presumably someone besides a “cabana douche babe.” Meagan was out of patience. She decided to hang with Garrett instead, who had allegedly soured on Nithisha for kissing Edward and not telling him.

Garrett Aida and Meagan Morris coupled up — for now anyway.

Garrett even got teary-eyed in front of Meagan talking about his parents’ divorce, so openness wasn’t an issue there. And it was Meagan with whom he partnered on a bouncy horse for the Paradise Derby.

Still, their newfound connection didn’t nullify Garrett’s desire to smooch Nithisha, but I guess that’s a triangle for another day.

Matia had to find a new place to park his lips and that turned out to be Maria.

The notoriously kissing-shy Maria found the “fire” she’d been missing with other people after smooching with Matia. Too bad for her Matia wasn’t feeling the connection back, but with a rose on the line he was willing to fake it.

Maria had already friend-zoned Connor earlier in the episode, giving Lisa her permission to pursue the American “Paradise” alum. I confess I’m shipping Lisa and Connor, but Lisa wasn’t exactly all in.

Sure, she kissed Connor and said she felt like “a schoolgirl with a crush,” but she chose Jake as her derby partner.

“I know I’m not the tallest, hottest guy here. I’m different,” lamented Connor. “I just want to be wanted like everybody wants.”

Damn it, somebody want Connor already.

Joey Kirchner shows that real men snuggle goats.

So, about the derby, which was basically an extended promotion for the BetRivers online casino. There was also a petting zoo with cute bunnies, goats, donkeys, alpacas and even a camel. And everybody wore foam “cowboy leprechaun hats,” in Austin’s words.

There was a race on those inflatable horses and, despite a photo finish with Cole and Sam, Joey and Celine won. I mean, did you think the cowboy was going to lose?

Their “very special prize” was basically a date in a suite — not a fantasy suite, mind you — and a serenade by Canadian singer Tyler Shaw who, mercifully, did not sing anything country.

But despite the candles, the wine and the dancing, Joey and Celine weren’t taking things to the next level, so to speak.

Celine said things were still “surface” between her and Joey; Joey said he was hesitant to push forward with Celine.

Chances are they’ll make it through the next rose ceremony, whenever that is. Beyond that, who knows?

There are other important questions to be answered, like, is there a boom boom room this season or does everybody have to sneak into the sauna like last season?

Next week, Ana Cruz is back along with a new blond contestant who describes herself as “your worst nightmare”; Lisa is in a triangle with Connor and Jake; Maria has words with Nithisha; and it looks like Quartney, who has decided that none of the women are there for the “right reasons,” not just Lisa, will finally take his marbles and go home.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Three new women shake up Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 15, 2021 /
Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” was rocky for Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens
and Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Beware the quiet ones.

When three new women infiltrated Camp Paradise on Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” it wasn’t the two more aggressive ladies who caused the most disruption; it was the “really nice girl.”

There are now five more women than men on the beach — a bit of overkill, no, “Bachelor in Paradise Canada”?

And the three newbies all had date cards, but only one of the dates threatened the established order. More on that later.

As the episode opened, the campers discussed the flirtations of the night before (which you can read about here) and Nicole, one of last week’s newcomers, lamented that the people who were coupled up — essentially everyone but her and fellow new arrival Bianka — seemed unlikely to “budge.”

Bianka, who as a “Bachelor Canada” winner was kind of a marquee attraction when the cast was first announced, has had hardly any screen time and appeared to not even be trying to kindle any romantic sparks.

But that state of affairs didn’t deter Halifax fan contestant Sasanet, a.k.a. Sasa, who declared “Everyone’s gonna be obsessed with me” and who, in Brendan M’s words, wasn’t afraid to step on toes. She figured every man was fair game until they were engaged.

Mike Ogilvie reminded Sasanet Iassu a bit of Thor on their date.

So she chose “beautiful man” Mike for her date and Mike got to show off the physique she so admired on a slip and slide, even pulling Sasa along the slide at one point using just his brawny arms — “like Thor,” she said — as she held onto his ankles.

“Was he as good as Thor? No, but he met my expectations,” Sasa quipped.

Alas, it would have taken all of the Avengers to pull something resembling a decent conversation out of Mike and Sasa. That expression that opposites attract? Not in this case.

City girl Sasa made it clear she preferred a walk in the mall to hiking and when Mike asked her if she liked hardcore metal music, she replied, “Absolutely not, it stresses me out.”

Mike couldn’t wait to return to Stacy. “I’m very thrilled to be coming home to you,” he told her.

In the meantime, host Jesse Jones had announced the “Camp Paradise Bonfire,” which involved the campers sitting around a bonfire and asking each other anonymous questions that had been dropped into a box.

From left, Lisa, Illeana, Bianka, Vay and Sessa at the bonfire, with Josh, Brendan M and Kamil behind.

Mike got asked, “Why didn’t you tell Stacy about your interest in Caitlin before the rose ceremony?” His lame answer: he couldn’t find Caitlin to talk to for a week, which I guess is better than “I waited because production told me to.”

And then for Kamil: “Do you not realize all the girls notice you checking them out or do you just not care?”

Kamil hemmed and hawed and then settled on, “I didn’t think I was checking them out, but if that’s the case I guess I’ll admit to it. There’s a lot of beautiful people here in Paradise.”

Finally, Joey not so anonymously had a question for Vay: “Are you falling in love with Joey because I’m falling in love with you.”

Vay said she was definitely getting there although she needed more time because of her trust issues and that made Joey’s heart warm.

You want to know whose heart wasn’t warm? Caitlin’s.

She was brooding over Kamil’s admission to checking people out.

“I want somebody who’s got eyes just for me, like not on everyone else,” she told Kamil.

Kamil was annoyed but apologized, but only for the way he answered the question, which Caitlin called “lacklustre.”

That wasn’t the end of the discussion. Mike and Stacy told Kamil and Caitlin the reason they were being “targeted” by other people was because they spent so much time apart from the rest of the group.

Mike suggested Kamil go on other dates, like Mike had, to be sure his relationship with Caitlin was a “10 out of 10.”

Kamil disagreed. “Once you find something special in life I feel like you should keep it close,” he retorted, adding that he’d be happy to leave Paradise right then and there with Caitlin and make it work in the real world.

“That sounds like love to me. Would you say then you’re in love?” Mike asked.

Neither was willing to fess up to that.

It didn’t end there because the next day Kamil chastised Caitlin for not having his back and making a “big deal” over his checking people out comment. “I don’t feel I need to reassure you all the time,” Kamil said. Caitlin was aghast and said in her confessional she felt like she was being gaslit.

I think Mike’s right. One of these two should go on a date with a different person.

Onwards! A new day brought a new arrival: fan contestant Iva from Calgary.

Iva described herself as “aggressive in my pursuit.” Even “I got shade for days” Joey called her “blunt” for the way she fired questions at the men.

Josh Guvi gets to know Iva Mikulic, perhaps more than he bargained for.

But Josh found her “spicy” and agreed to go on a date. His current romantic interest, Lisa, kind of took it in stride, calling Josh “the Bachelor in Paradise.”

As for the date, it was all fun and games when it came to flying on a trapeze; less so when Iva demanded that Josh dump Lisa. “You make out with her I’ll fucking throw you in the lake,” Iva said. Well, all righty then.

Iva’s demand might have carried more weight if Josh had enjoyed making out with her. But when a producer asked Josh about his kiss with Iva, he kind of grimaced and diplomatically declared himself “undecided.”

Josh told Lisa all about the ultimatum when he came back to the beach. “Does that mean me and her are gonna have a problem?” asked Lisa. “I am the last person somebody wants a problem with. I’m small, but I’m mighty.”

Speaking of problems, Angela definitely had one.

The third new arrival was Maria, a Colombian-born, Toronto-raised designer who described herself as having Canadian “niceness” and Colombian “spice.”

To Joey, she was “a sweetheart of a girl,” someone he’d worked with in Toronto and gone on one unsuccessful date with. But as he gave Maria the lay of the Paradise land, Joey made it clear he had a deep connection with Vay — which didn’t make Vay any less jealous of the time Joey spent with Maria or the way he talked about her.

Guy after guy politely blew Maria off, letting her know they were taken — all except Brendan M. Brendan told Maria he was “definitely open” to “meeting new people and seeing if there’s possibility there.”

Uh oh.

When Brendan agreed to Maria’s date, he justified it by saying he and Angela had talked “in the past” about allowing each other to go on dates with new people, but the operative word was “past” — Angela clearly thought that kind of deal was behind them.

Angela summoned Brendan for a chat — the conversation they should have had before he agreed to go with Maria because tossing “All right?” over your shoulder as you walk away with someone else doesn’t really count. Brendan said he wanted Angela to just focus on what they had but also to give him the “respect” to go on this date.

Basically, he was unsympathetic to her distress, leaving her with a non-committal “Chat with you later,” not even a hug or a peck on the cheek.

Cold, dude, cold.

“It feels nice to be painted on,” said Brendan Morgan, with Maria Garcia-Sanchez. We bet!

He was all smiles when he and Maria met up to strip down to white bathing suits and throw paint on a drop sheet and each other, eventually rubbing it on each other’s bodies.

Still, Brendan hadn’t completely forgotten about Angela. As he and Maria shared drinks by a cosy fire, Brendan admitted he really wanted to kiss her but refrained because he didn’t want to disrespect Angela.

Bad news, Brendan, the “disrespect” horse bolted before you shut your lips, er, the barn door.

Angela was back at the beach, telling her besties Illeana and Caitlin she wasn’t sure she could completely trust Brendan anymore.

And then Brendan dropped the equivalent of a cow patty on the whole situation by returning from his date, spotting Angela with her friends and manoeuvring Maria over to a beach bed instead of talking to Angela.

Hey Brendan, I think we’ve solved the mystery of why you’re not in a committed relationship yet. You clearly have no idea how to commit!

Next week, it looks like neither Angela nor Maria is happy with Brendan M. There’s more tension between Joey and Vay over Maria. Iva continues her dogged pursuit of not only Josh but Mike. And is that Kevin Wendt’s lovely fiancee, Astrid Loch, helping him introduce the “Camp Paradise Twisted Talent Show”?

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Edited to correct the spelling of Sasa.

It’s kiss and run for one woman on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

October 18, 2021 /
The “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” cast in Episode 2 and yes, there’s an extra woman.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, including screen shots, courtesy of Citytv

If you want to couple up you better pucker up.

Kissing is both currency and communication on a “Bachelor” show. You want to stick around and buy yourself air time? Start sucking face, buttercup.

It was too much for Alice Li, the winner of a contest in which Canadians chose the “Perfect Companion” — although one wonders how much the Toronto accountant, listed as one of the Bachelor Nation fan contestants, knew going into “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

After kissing new arrival David — more on him later — she bowed out of a “Sadie Hawkins” dance that was such a smooch fest it must have set a record for a simultaneous “Bachelor” makeout sesh. It reminded me of an old-fashioned high school dance — if all the chaperones had suddenly gone blind or stopped giving a shit about their horny teenage charges.

Alice sat out the Sadie Hawkins dance and then the rest of the season.

Anyway, Alice eliminated herself the next day, explaining she was looking for “that emotional connection before any physical steps,” i.e. she wasn’t keen on kissing strangers.

It probably didn’t help that she went on a date with David Pinard, a Toronto actor and musician whose claim to fame on “The Bachelorette Canada” was giving the star the impression he was more interested in furthering his career than in her. Though David claimed to have turned over a new leaf, the rest of the Paradise cast wasn’t buying it.

“That was so fake,” Brendan Scanzano said after David teared up on hearing that Alice had left. “Get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me bro?” was Joey’s, ahem, measured reaction. David claimed he was going to give Alice his rose, this despite making it clear on their archery date that he wouldn’t put his eggs in anyone’s basket until he’d met “everyone” in Paradise.

And everyone included Ana, David’s date at the Sadie Hawkins — not Sadie Hopkins, Sarah Hoskins or Sarah Hopkins, by the way; it’s just a dance to which the women invite the men.

Couples pair off for the Sadie Hawkins dance in Paradise.

Before we get into who danced and smooched with whom (to Dean Brody’s “Canadian Summer” and OK, very Canadian, but must we ape the U.S. franchise’s country music fetish?), let’s back up and explore how last week‘s triangles resolved themselves, for the time being anyway.

You’ll recall that real estate agents Kamil and Caitlin were paired up until Caitlin’s real estate frenemy Vay arrived and took Kamil on a date, but then Caitlin snuggled with inventor Chris as a backup. Meanwhile, ex-CFL player Brendan Morgan was wooing both model Angela and interior design student Stacy.

Stacy decided to extricate herself from her triangle. Then Chris, after watching Caitlin in an intense kiss-a-rama with Kamil, decided to read the body language, er, the writing on the wall.

That’s about the time Stacy came around to check on Chris. Stacy said she was being a “friend,” but a teary-eyed Chris saw it as a sign from the Paradise gods. In fact, he told Stacy he’d wanted to meet her ever since seeing her on “Bachelor Canada.”

Chris Kotelmach shares his truth with new Paradise interest Stacy Johnson.

Inevitably, they kissed. Chris seemed to have upped his game a little from last week’s episode. Whereas Caitlin called Chris’s smooch “forced and a little unnatural,” Stacy said it “wasn’t bad.”

Not exactly high praise, but then again, Stacy seemed to have no problem locking lips with Chris on the beach as they slow danced.

And then there was Vay. Kamil at least had the courtesy to tell her he was vacating her for Caitlin before launching himself at Caitlin’s mouth. But Vay was having a hard time picturing herself as anybody’s second choice. “I already know I’m not your person. If you were my person, a connection with Caitlin wouldn’t stop that,” she told Kamil, a tad peevishly.

Vay then set her sights on Joey. I know, I know: Toronto glam girl and Alberta cowboy, who’d have thunk it? But they bonded when Joey opened up about his best friend who died when Joey was 14, coincidentally on April 27, Vay’s birthday. And also, they both liked the way the other kissed.

See, always back to the kissing.

So there were five matched sets going into the Sadie Hawkins, including Brendan S and Illeana, and Brenda M and Angela. That left David and Jeremy as the wildcards.

Once David had been claimed by Ana and Alice had bowed out, Jeremy had to decide between cos player Lisa and her roommate, model and content creator Kit. After kissing both of them he chose Kit, adding to what David ironically called Lisa’s “bad day.”

Why ironic? Because David was a big part of the reason she was having a bad day.

David Pinard bellies up to Kevin’s bar with Joey Kirchner and Lisa Mancini in the background.

The deets as Lisa relayed them to bartender Kevin Wendt: she and David went on a bunch of dates in Toronto, then she got invited to an “adult summer camp” as an influencer and David asked to tag along, but once there ignored her, told everybody he was famous and had sex with someone else. And that was the last time she spoke to him in the three years until he walked up to the Paradise bar.

David, Lisa said, “is like a used greasy car salesman . . . You won’t find out what a piece of crap you just paid for until it’s too late.”

David’s version was that Lisa wanted more than he could give and he tried to apologize after things ended in a way that “wasn’t the best,” but she wouldn’t respond to his overtures. FYI: I don’t think anyone believed his version, except maybe Ana.

Sadly, David was Lisa’s only chance at getting a rose — and no, after two episodes we still haven’t had a rose ceremony!

As weird as it would be to accept a rose from David, I’d be here for it if it meant Lisa could stick around. She’s funny and quirky and we need both those things in Paradise.

The status of Lisa’s rose wasn’t the only drama brewing as the rose ceremony crept near.

I have no idea why Chris thought it a good idea to ditch Stacy to talk to Caitlin so he could “understand the connection” they had — well, fine, drama — but he interrupted Caitlin and Kamil to ask Caitlin if she was interested in exploring “what we had.”

Dude, you had a couple of conversations and a kiss, but OK, let’s roll with it.

“I feel like you might be looking for an answer that I don’t think I can give,” was Caitlin’s ultimate response, given while a peeved Kamil hovered.

Kamil Nicalek and Chris talk Caitlin. “It’s gonna get scrappy,” Chris said.

Chris either has balls or he’s really good at taking producer direction because his next move was to approach Kamil to further stake his claim on Caitlin’s attention.

“Why are you coming for my girl?” Kamil asked.

“She’s not your girl,” Chris responded. “I have a very strong connection with Caitlin.”

“The connection is terminated,” said Kamil.

“I still feel something,” Chris argued.

“Chris, you can feel it for forever, but she’s not reciprocating that to you,” said an exasperated Kamil, following up with “What about Stacy?”

Chris walked away without answering Kamil’s repeated question — “Who ya gonna pick?” — and Kamil threw his drink in the sand. It wasn’t quite Aaron going nose to nose with Thomas and/or Ivan, and the drink glass was plastic, but we’ll take it.

So next week: a rose ceremony; comely new arrivals Alex Bordyukov, Mike Ogilvie and Josh Guvi as the women take the power of the rose; Brendan M waffling between Angela and Stacy . . . again; and Kamil pissing off Joey by suggesting that Vay’s too good for him.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv to see how it turns out. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

It’s canoes and canoodling on ‘Bachelor in Paradise Canada’

October 11, 2021 /
From left, Joey, Alice, Jeremy, Brendan M, Stacy, Kit, Lisa and Angela hang out
in the Canadian equivalent of the rose palapa. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Six makeout sessions, three triangles, one pre-emptive emotional breakdown, one brewing “cat fight.”

Were you worried Canadians would be too polite for drama? Pshaw.

OK, we haven’t had a quadrangle yet, a la Kenny, Mari, Demi and Tia on U.S. “Paradise,” nor have I seen a boom boom room, but the inaugural “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” season is still young.

What we did see on Sunday’s premiere episode was familiar — comely cast members ostensibly looking for love, confessionals, date cards, a bar to gather at, even a beach bed — but also its own thing. That includes a Canadian theme song: “We’re Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)” by Vancouver band Trooper.

Nobody is going to mistake that Northern Ontario lakeside setting for Mexico, not with its forest backdrop, the canoes and the Muskoka chairs, plus the funny animal shots are of seagulls, hawks, geese, ducks, robins and frogs rather than iguanas and crabs — no sign yet of the “friendly skunks” that bartender Kevin Wendt said he encountered.

Medicine Hat’s Joey Kirchner, with host Jesse Jones, let it almost all hang out on his “Paradise” entrance.

“Bachelor in Paradise” U.S. gave us a naked Kenny Braasch; “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” will see his six-pack abs and tattoos, and raise you a pink Speedo, cowboy boots and cowboy hat in Alberta construction worker and model Joey.

As his fellow Albertan, ex-pro football player turned yoga instructor Brendan M quipped, “The fact that Joey showed up here in a Speedo, I mean that shows a lot of balls; it literally shows a lot of balls” — and note there were no black bars on the crotch shots.

And then there’s Lisa, the squirrel-loving “mermaid” from Season 3 of “The Bachelor Canada,” who just might own the record for earliest tears ever on a “Paradise” season.

Lisa was crying because of things that hadn’t happened yet. “I literally have so much time to create conspiracy theories in my head,” the St. Catharines cos player declared to the other cast members.

She teared up telling Chris, the self-described “Renaissance man” from the sole “Bachelorette Canada” season, that she was expecting other people to be “pieces of shit,” a phrase she used several times on camera — including once when she fell off her six-inch heels.

“Nobody told me we’d be at the beach,” she complained to Kevin, refusing his suggestion to take the shoes off because she’d lose her “power” if she lost her height.

Speaking of power, New York real estate dude Kamil — he of the awkward TV breakup with U.S. “Paradise” ex Annaliese — mistook Lisa at first for Shushanna, the woman who got a witchcraft edit on “Paradise” after she stalked Kamil and burnt his photo in a fire. And, oh yeah, Shushanna also cried a lot.

Kamil Nicalek called Caitlin Clemmens “Clementine” because she was “a sweet time.”

Kamil had the distinction of being part of two triangles: one with Chris and Toronto real estate agent Caitlin, a vet of both the U.S. “Bachelor” and “Paradise”; and one with Caitlin and Veronique, a.k.a. Vay, a Toronto by way of Sudbury real estate agent who just happens to be Caitlin’s nemesis. What a coincidence!

Why does Caitlin dislike Vay? No idea. The former said, “It’s not a conversation that needs to be had on TV” when other cast members pumped her for deets. Vay, who turned up late with date card in hand and chose Kamil — duh — told him she had no idea why Caitlin disliked her.

Kamil vowed to stay neutral like Switzerland or Canada in the beef between the two — if by neutral you mean calling Caitlin his “number one priority” but then kissing Vay a lot.

Chris Kotelmach with Ana Cruz, left, and Caitlin Clemmens, a.k.a. “fuck, what’s her name?”

Chris, meanwhile, had decided Caitlin was going to be the mother of his children, even though at one point he couldn’t remember her name. He took advantage of Kamil’s absence to snuggle with Caitlin and, eventually, kiss her. And the kiss was, to quote Caitlin, “Um, I don’t know,” and also “forced and a little unnatural,” although to Chris it was a double “wow.”

Kisses, as you may know, are a sore point for Chris since in “Bachelorette Canada,” it was Jasmine Lorimer refusing to kiss him that preceded him being sent home. But Caitlin decided to keep Chris in her back pocket to protect herself while Kamil was dallying with Vay.

The other triangle involved Edmontonian Brendan M, American model, “Bachelor” and “Paradise” vet Angela and Vancouver “Bachelor Canada” alum Stacy.

Angela Amezcua only had eyes for former CFL player Brendan Morgan’s green eyes.

Brendan smooched both of them pretty extensively, which shows he developed skills as a player beyond his football days with Winnipeg and Edmonton. Angela seemed to have the edge on kissing though, with Brendan saying, on a scale of 1 to 10, kissing her required “another scale.”

And then there was the other Brendan: Scanzano, as in the man of mystery from Katie Thurston’s “Bachelorette” season, since viewers couldn’t seem to figure out who he was and why he was still there.

He was first to arrive, by boat — so if you’re all trying to figure out where this was filmed, clearly it’s on an island — and the first to form a much coveted connection, with New Yorker Illeana from Matt James’ “Bachelor” season.

Brendan Scanzano called Illeana Pennetto “the real deal.” Um, well, we’ll see.

They were also the first couple that we saw kissing, on a beach bed no less. Brendan seemed all in, although Illeana warned him she would go on a date with someone else if they invited her. I think that’s what they call foreshadowing, folks.

Indeed, the season promo showed Illeana kissing someone who was not Brendan, not unless Brendan cut his hair, dyed it and grew a face full of stubble.

Also, according to multiple cast members in said promo, there’s a “storm” coming — ya think? — with tension on the menu between Kamil and Joey, between Kamil and Chris, between Caitlin and Vay, between Lisa and the yet-to-arrive David of “Bachelorette Canada” and who knows who else? A towel is flung, a glass is flung, Joey’s threatening to make mince meat of a coyote — pronounced cuy-oot — that’s scaring a mare; Kamil is comparing himself to a gorilla and Chris to a rooster.

It’s a jungle, er, a forest out there.

When the episode ended without a rose ceremony — another chip off the American block — there were nine women vying for six roses, only one of which looked like a sure thing.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv to see how it turns out. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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