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Tag: Logan

Bachelor in Paradise recap: A painful itch and a ballroom blitz

November 16, 2022 /
Becca Kufrin and fiancé Thomas Jacobs return to Paradise to buck up morale.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC

Is itching the same as pain? I have no freakin’ idea, but I can tell you what is painful: watching these last few episodes of “Bachelor in Paradise” Season 8.

A protracted argument between Aaron and Genevieve about whether itching is a low level form of pain — yeah, you can’t make this stuff up — was just one example of the aimless silliness cluttering this week’s two episodes.

Things started off Monday night with a funereal vibe as everyone on the beach continued mourning the departure of Rodney. Look, I think Rodney is great, too. I was disappointed that Eliza gave him a rose and then changed her mind the morning after, but that happened last week so why the heck were we still seeing everyone moping around?

I’m not saying they didn’t mope around but, you know, editing.

To add insult to injury, we were forced to watch footage of Eliza in Baltimore — you are correct, that’s nowhere near Paradise — trying to rekindle her great love, um, I mean her three-day romance with Justin.

And Justin turned her down!

Yeah, she showed up at his door, poured into a pair of jeans and a cute bustier, and he blew her off since she had picked Rodney over him at the rose ceremony!

“I flew across the country for you, I’ve only known you for three days,” Eliza complained after she made her exit.

Sorry Eliza, but that’s on you, as well as on the “Bachelor in Paradise” producers who wasted money and viewers’ time going off resort to pursue a potential love story that nobody gave a crap about.

And then we got back to the beach just in time to see the first of the new women arrive. And I know it’s not uncommon for new arrivals so late in the season but really, what the hell is the point?

First up was Mara from Clayton’s Bachelor season, who likes comparing herself to marinara sauce — because it’s spicy, I guess? Whatever.

She showed up with a date card and a bushel of overconfidence and settled on twin Justin since everybody else she talked to blew her off. This did not sit well with Justin’s current older woman, Florence, who at 31 is two years younger than Mara. Especially after Mara rubbed Flo’s face in it pre-date by boasting, “I just took a shot of tequila and I’m feeling all kinds of ready.”

“Battle of the cougars,” Victoria called it. And I’m sorry, but 30-somethings are not cougars. And why don’t we have a similar name for all the older men out there who chase younger women?

Mara and Justin went on one of those disgusting dates where the participants rub food all over each other’s bodies and thanks Bachelor in Paradise, you’ve now ruined churros for me.

There was some smooching to go with the chocolate sauce but the next day, just as Florence was packing up to leave, Justin decided he preferred her to Mara, which made Mara cry and really? Turning each other into human doughnuts does not a romance make.

On the other hand, Flo, I’m sure you could do much better, too, but she stayed.

And speaking of older women and younger men, beats me why the show is devoting so much time to Kate and Logan, who have about as much chance of forming a lasting relationship as I do of getting through an episode without rolling my eyes.

Kate was still moaning about Logan not being at her level financially. “He drives an orange Honda, he has a broken phone, he’s a dog walker,” she whined.

And listen, if she wants a man to bring home the bacon, fine, but why is she looking on a crab-infested beach in Sayulita, Mexico? I mean, the average contestant age in Paradise is not indicative of a cast full of self-made millionaires.

I actually feel bad for Logan at this point — and he was far from my favourite on Rachel’s and Gabby’s Bachelorette season — because he can’t seem to do anything right for Kate. She said she wants to be “wowed” and was still bellyaching that Logan didn’t forbid her from going on a date with that drip Hayden.

“It feels like you look down on me in some way,” Logan told her at one point in a rare moment of perception.

“I don’t at all,” lied Kate.

Somehow, they still wanted to be with each other but not for lack of sabotage attempts by the devious Bachelor producers.

Two new women came to the beach: Ency and Lyndsey from Clayton’s season — and why are there so many contestants from one of the worst Bachelor seasons ever?

Ency zeroed in on Andrew and, despite the fact she was sent home in Week 2 of “The Bachelor,” he knew who she was, so I guess she was on his list. To Jessenia’s consternation, he agreed to go on a date.

Lyndsey had worse luck but accomplished the goal of stirring up more unease between Logan and Kate.

Logan didn’t say an outright no to Lyndsey’s date card, telling her he had to talk to Kate first, and Kate was “spinning out.” But they got back to hugging and kissing and Lyndsey left because, unlike Mara, she can take a hint.

Rachel Recchia, right, and Gabby Windey, centre, give Kate Gallivan their “expert” opinion on Logan.

But before Logan could get comfortable in his ongoing discomfort with Kate, ex-Bachelorettes Rachel and Gabby showed up. Why? Apparently just so they could trash talk Logan.

Like I said, I was never one of Logan’s biggest fans, but by this stage Kate had spent more time with Logan than Rachel and Gabby combined, so what right did they have to cast aspersions on him?

You might recall Logan was Team Rachel on “The Bachelorette,” then switched to Team Gabby and then disappeared without a trace, allegedly due to getting COVID. “I don’t respect Logan. I don’t think Logan has changed. What are you gonna do?” Rachel challenged Kate.

Well, we had to wait a bit to find out because first we had to endure yet another argument between Aaron and Genevieve, which resulted in Genevieve once again packing her bags and trying to leave.

The crux of it was a disagreement about whether itching is a low level form of pain and I can’t even. I will leave the commentary to other people.

Florence: “I just hope it’s not about an STD.”

Wells: “I feel like this place is making me dumber.”

Bruce, the boom operator: “I’ll tell you what’s causing me pain is having to keep listening to this argument.”

Kudos to whoever showed footage of a raccoon scratching itself and superimposed the word “Ouch.”

Speaking of ouch, once Aaron had gone to once again waylay Genevieve on her way out, he said, “I know when you’re not emotional you are very sweet and you’re very nurturing, and there’s a reason I fell in love with you. When you’re emotional it just takes over everything.”

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag! Run, Genevieve, run!

But she stayed. Again.

In between all the fighting and fussing, we did get some reminders of what Paradise is allegedly about.

Michael and Danielle, while carefully avoiding use of the L-word, affirmed that they really care about each other.

Tyler and Brittany weren’t using the L-word either — at least not to each other’s faces — but they went on a date and they were so sweet together that I really hope they make it work post-Paradise.

And speaking of making it work after Paradise, ex-Bachelorette Becca Kufrin and her Paradise squeeze turned fiancé Thomas Jacobs waltzed in. In honour of the fact that Becca proposed to Thomas, there was going to be a 1990s-themed Sadie Hawkins dance, with the women inviting the men.

Kate claimed she still had to ascertain if Logan was a match long-term before asking him to the dance. And I don’t know how you determine such a thing with one conversation on the beach, but the next thing you know Kate was happy with Logan again.

I’m with Logan, it’s exhausting trying to keep up with Kate’s — dare I say? — flip-flopping.

And then it was time for fun, dancing, smooching! But you knew it wouldn’t last, right?

Andrew Spencer and Jessenia Cruz in a past episode.

Jessenia decided she needed to clear the air with Andrew and who can blame her for wanting some so-called closure, especially since this was her second time caught in a Paradise love triangle (remember Chris and Alana from Season 7)?

Well, Ency, that’s who.

She interrupted Andrew’s and Jessenia’s talk, but Andrew replied, “I have to finish this conversation, give me a sec.”

Instead, Ency kept stewing then walked over a second time, peevishly telling Andrew, “I don’t know what validation you’re giving her, but I’m asking you to please walk away from this with me right now if you care to pursue anything with us.”

Whoa, slow your roll, Ency!

Andrew did not walk away, explaining that he wanted to be friends with Jessenia afterwards. Plus, if they’d stopped talking, we wouldn’t have heard him confess to Jessenia: “My heart’s still with someone else: Teddi.”

To be honest, I had kind of forgotten that Andrew was into Teddi way back at the start of Paradise, until she left because she had feelings for both Andrew and Rodney.

Should Andrew have left after Teddi left? He told Jessenia he stayed because he had “hope” of finding love with someone else. And since we have seen very little footage of Andrew and Jessenia together we have no idea whether or how much he might have led Jessenia on.

But Jessenia left and then Andrew pulled Ency aside to tell her, too, that he was still into Teddi and he couldn’t be in Paradise anymore. And Ency did not take it well.

She cried and grovelled and begged and held on to Andrew to try to prevent him from leaving. Honey, have some self-respect. You’ve known the guy how long?

But leave Andrew did and so did Ency, crying so hard that her words were unintelligible. Was it the booze cry-talking? Not sure.

Anyway, that’s it until next week’s “shocking two-night finale event.” Host Jesse Palmer has teased that someone might even get married on the beach.

You can watch next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Rodney and Logan aren’t ‘man’ enough for Eliza and Kate

November 2, 2022 /
Genevieve Parisi prepares to flee the beach on “Bachelor in Paradise.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

I’m feeling a bit like Genevieve Parisi near the end of Tuesday’s “Bachelor in Paradise,” frustrated and mentally exhausted, dragging her suitcase along, hellbent on escaping a toxic situation.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. “Paradise” is supposed to be the fun “Bachelor” show. We know the producers will manipulate situations to create drama — it’s not like they can help themselves — but it generally doesn’t ruin the naughty, flirty, goofy summertime vibe on the beach or quash the chances of people coupling up, like really coupling up.

But instead of Paradise, this season we’ve got a purgatory where the only imperative seems to be to cause as much chaos as possible, particularly if it means breaking people up.

So this week, after the dust had settled from the show’s “Love Island” ripoff “Casa Amor” twist, they parachuted in a cast member who’d already been sent home just to tempt Eliza away from Rodney. And it seems to be working beyond their wildest dreams.

I mean it’s bad enough that cast members come in with shopping lists of people they want to get with, either because they’ve met them at Stagecoach or slid into their DMs, but at least there were rules. If you didn’t get a rose you went home. If the man or woman of your dreams arrived after you’d already gone, too bad, sucks to be you.

Now, however, not getting a rose is meaningless because producers can bring people back at will to stir up crap. That’s how Justin Glaze ended up back on the beach, hell-bent on pursuing Eliza Isichei.

Rodney Mathews, you’ll recall, ended his romance with Lace after going on a date with Eliza and the two seemed to quickly become one of the “it” couples on the beach, or so we were led to believe.

Eliza Isichei gets cosy with Justin Glaze. Rodney who?

But Eliza was all smiles and giggles after Justin told her he had come back just to meet her, so much so that she apparently forgot all about telling Rodney she wanted to spend quality time with him and agreed to go on a date with Justin.

She was flattered to be pursued by two men, “pursued” being the operative word because when Rodney refused to forbid Eliza from going on the date she got all sullen and resentful, and decided Rodney didn’t care about her that much after all. And I’m sorry, what?

Have we travelled not only to Mexico but decades into the past where men were expected to lay down the law and women to obey?

Because, you know, Eliza could have just said no to Justin if she actually. wanted to nurture her relationship with Rodney instead of expecting him to make the decision for her.

Eliza later claimed her “yes” to Justin had been conditional on getting “clarification” from Rodney. And I’m sorry, what???

As Rodney insisted that Eliza was the only one he wanted and that he would do whatever he needed to do to prove that to her, Eliza continued to act like a sulky teenager. “I hope so,” she said before reluctantly giving Rodney a hug and then wandering back to Justin for a shameless smooching session. And at this point, I’d just like to see Eliza and Justin get the hell off the beach and to extend my condolences to Rodney for falling for someone so insecure and immature.

And if you’re thinking, well, Eliza’s only 26, Kate Gallivan — who’s 33 — also came down with a case of wanting a man to make decisions for her.

This happened after Hayden Markowitz hit the beach. You remember him: the guy who talked shit about Gabby and Rachel on their season, and used his dying dog, Rambo, to try to score sympathy points?

He was still blathering on about Rambo and about how a woman would be hard pressed to beat Rambo in his affections, except — IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR DOG SO MUCH WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME TAKING CARE OF HIM INSTEAD OF IN FREAKIN’ MEXICO?

Shanae and Florence wisely gave Hayden a pass on his date card, but Kate said a part of her wanted to say yes to Hayden just to see how Logan would react. Would that be the part that was egged on by the producers perchance?

So she did say yes, in the hopes Logan would tell her not to go on the date. And are you serious? Logan had been on what, three dates at that point with three different women? So he told Kate she deserved to have the full Paradise experience just like he had.

But Logan had failed Kate’s “test.” “Every girl wants a guy that’s gonna fight for her,” she said.

By telling her what to do? Sorry, not this “girl.”

In fact, Kate claimed Logan’s reaction was “like he didn’t care if I lived or died.” And I’m sorry, what????

Anyway, the date with Hayden was kind of a dud.

Hayden Markowitz and Kate Gallivan prepare to go zip-lining, to Hayden’s horror.

Their zip-lining adventure rattled Hayden and Kate wasn’t digging “this scared energy from him.” He not only admitted to talking crap about Rachel and Gabby, he doubled down and said he didn’t think they were there “for the right reasons.” And Kate decided Hayden’s “priorities are a little misaligned” after he confessed to spending six figures so Rambo could live up to another two years with his brain tumour.

And yet, the promo for next week shows Kate supposedly vacillating between Hayden and Logan because “Hayden has money,” so whose priorities are misaligned now?

Let’s chat about a few more questionable decisions we saw in these two episodes.

Victoria Fuller did what I think we all knew she would and, even though Alex Bordyukov seemed completely in tune with her desire to get hitched and start a family ASAP, she chose to give a rose to surfer dude Johnny DePhillipo. (Don’t worry, Alex is still around, saved by his “Bachelor in Paradise Australia” pal Florence Moerenhout.)

After Victoria and Johnny went on some kind of ceremonial date that involved a type of Mexican sweat lodge, they both confessed to feeling like they were falling in love with each other — a step removed from actually falling, perhaps, but maybe enough to bring the engagement that Victoria so very much wants. We’ll see.

And then there was Shanae Ankney, who got bounced by Logan for Kate after trying to “boom boom” with Tyler, who chose Brittany instead, and had now coupled up with Jacob Rapini, with whom she apparently shares an obsession with clean teeth.

But then the twins came along — yes, Joey and Justin Young, who made zero impression after getting sent home on Night 1 of Gabby’s and Rachel’s season, but we’re supposed to give a crap now, I guess.

Justin and Joey Young bring double something — trouble? ennui? — to the beach.

Shanae and Florence, who are 30 and 31, respectively, agreed to go on a double date with the twins, even though they’re only 24.

It seemed like Florence was just there to have fun, but Shanae claimed to have a “deep connection” with Joey that she hadn’t found with anyone else on the beach. I guess that’s what happens when you drink tequila out of someone’s belly button and turn them into a human burrito? Search me.

And finally, we had the hot mess that is the dysfunctional relationship of Genevieve and Aaron Clancy.

It would exhaust all of us if I tried to reproduce verbatim the tortuous, tearful arguments between these two, but basically Genevieve wanted to tell Aaron she was falling in love with him, but Aaron was too busy bro-ing out to give her 10 minutes for a chat. When Genevieve expressed her disappointment over this state of affairs Aaron accused her of gaslighting him and sorry, Aaron, not facts.

Perhaps the most perfect illustration of the disconnect was when Aaron, right in the middle of complaining to Johnny that Genevieve was gaslighting him, interrupted his own train of thought to point at the ocean and exclaim, “Look at that fatty rip current right here!”

Genevieve, meanwhile, had decided to leave Paradise and tried to tell Aaron she was going, except he wouldn’t commit to a conversation because “I’m thinking about myself and if it’s the right time for me. It’s not all about one person.”

I can only echo Genevieve here: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Aaron finally granted Gen the conversation she wanted, but only after she was on her way out of the resort with her bags packed.

Aaron was still claiming to be the injured party, but he kind of half-assed apologized for making Genevieve unhappy, got all teary, and told her he was falling in love with her too and he didn’t want her to leave. And despite her earlier insight — “My gut is telling me we are not meant for each other” — Genevieve stayed.

Eliza, who had been reluctantly eavesdropping with Victoria, claimed “that’s how you know, too, when you care about each other when you start arguing like this.” And man, somebody has to talk to that woman about healthy male-female relationships.

So Aaron and Genevieve are back together for now and apparently so are a lot of other couples according to next Monday’s promo. But then something “heartbreaking” happens that has even Brandon and Serene crying.

So guess I’ll unpack my metaphorical suitcase and stay, even though I’m sure “Bachelor in Paradise” doesn’t love any of us.

You can watch next next Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Shanae gets dumped, Kate gloats

October 26, 2022 /
Serene Russell, Shanae Ankney and Brittany Galvin all had very different receptions waiting
for them when they got back to Playa Escondida. PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC

I don’t enjoy math so I was never going to be keen on “Geometry Beach.” But here’s one formula I can wrap my head around: the greater the minutes of filler relative to the actual happenings on “Bachelor in Paradise” the more boring the episode.

And man, was Tuesday’s episode a stinker! Ostensibly it was going to be the . . . most . . . dramatic . . . yet, since the OG women were heading back to the beach and the men who had strayed were going to have to explain themselves, but most of what we got was endless commentary before, during and after the breakups/reconciliations.

I mean, seriously, this is why we’re being made to endure two episodes a week? For all this filler? And we’re not even getting another rose ceremony until sometime next week?

Hopefully I’m not going to bore you as much as the producers did, so let’s get to the meat of the matter.

Monday’s episode set up the (non)action to come on Tuesday, laying out the various love (lust) triangles that factored into what Johnny called “Geometry Beach.”

We started with the confrontation between Lace and Rodney. Lace, you might recall from last week, had hitched a ride from the Estates at Vidanta to Playa Escondida to check up on her man, who was out on a date with Eliza.

There was no “Hurricane Lace” or “Lacifer,” despite the buildup. Rodney gave Lace the bad news that he had moved on as gently and apologetically as he could. Lace was sad, she cried, she went home, end of story.

So why is this show painting the women as forces of destruction for, uh, showing emotions?

Back at the Vidanta, the other exiled women learned from host Jesse Palmer that Lace had “left Paradise forever” — so she won’t be parachuted back in as a plot device then? — and those six were quizzed about whether they were open to exploring new connections with the five new men.

Turns out Victoria was interested in exploring things with Alex and Brittany was into Tyler. And for reasons I can’t fathom — maybe ABC has some deal with its Australian counterparts? — the women deemed Adam from “Bachelorette Australia” worthy of sticking around. But they had zero interest in Rick and Olu, so those two got sent home.

Shanae was also attracted to Tyler — she wanted to take him to the boom boom room, after all — but also claimed to still be thinking about Logan.

Logan, however, sure didn’t seem to be thinking about Shanae. Not only had he gone on a very kissy face date with Sarah, he had now developed a “groundbreaking” connection with Kate. How, you might ask, since Kate seemed to be attached at the lips and the crotch to Jacob? Why, a 1:23 a.m. conversation on one of the beach beds.

So when a date card magically appeared for Kate, she took “sweet baby Jacob” for a talk and confessed that she was more into Logan. Poor Sarah didn’t get the courtesy of a talk from Logan until after Kate had invited him on the date in front of everybody.

And speaking of magical date cards, Victoria got one too and used it to explore Alex, a.k.a. “every girl’s fucking dream.”

Alex Bordyukov and Victoria Fuller talked about future offspring on their date.

The main points of interest seemed to be that Alex wasn’t frightened away by Victoria’s contention that she wanted five kids (!) and that Alex had rubbed Victoria’s head as she was dozing on the couch.

“Physical touch is my love language,” she said. And if one more person uses the phrase “love language” I’m gonna barf.

Speaking of touch, Brittany and Tyler went on a “date” of their own by the pool that involved lots of smooching. So the stage was set for various awkward reunions back at the beach.

We saw Genevieve and Aaron reconnect first and why did we spend so much time on this one? We already knew they had stayed true to each other, so whatever.

Then we had an inordinate amount of “heads are gonna roll” scene-setting for Shanae’s reunion with Logan and guess what, they didn’t.

Sure, Shanae was upset to hear that Logan felt more “heard and seen” by Kate, but why wouldn’t she be? And when Logan tried to blame his pursuit of Kate on Shanae hurting his feelings with her dalliance with James she was well within her rights to ask why he hadn’t expressed that hurt at the time. Damn straight she walked away without giving Logan a hug.

For Logan and Kate to then rub salt in the wound by slobbering over each other in full sight of Shanae and everyone else, as the other cast members cheered them on, was disrespectful and insensitive.

Shanae’s new best friend Genevieve — and by extension, the producers — talked Shanae into having another go at Logan. The idea was obviously to make it seem like Shanae 2.0 was reverting back into the bully we saw on Clayton’s “Bachelor” season.

Look, I’m not going to defend Shanae’s behaviour back then. I was disgusted by it, particularly her mockery of Elizabeth’s ADHD, but she wasn’t bullying anybody on the beach on Tuesday.

Kate, who seems to really like the sound of her own voice, was the one gloating over how she had triumphed over Shanae. She was the one who forced Shanae into a conversation she didn’t want to have. And then we had Aaron’s misogynistic commentary: Shanae was a “Shanaedo” who didn’t belong on the beach; Shanae should be straitjacketed in a padded room; Shanae should be abducted by aliens and taken to a planet that better suited her personality.

All this because she was sad and angry over being rejected for another woman? Did the beach suddenly get transported back into the 19th century or something?

The breakups continued.

After Jacob told Jill she wasn’t the woman for him, she tearfully decided to go home but not without giving viewers a last laugh: “A Lyft driver and you break my fucking heart. He sold his couch for cash and I fucking cried over him,” she said as the SUV of Shame pulled away.

Brittany and Andrew had a very civilized conversation, agreeing to part ways to purse Tyler and Jessenia, respectively.

Thankfully, we finally got to see Serene reunite with Brandon and it was as adorable and heart-swelling as it needed to be. They told each other they loved each other and can we just skip to the end where these two get engaged already?

That left Victoria and Johnny, who claimed to be falling for Victoria and looked genuinely stricken when she told him about her date with Alex.

There then followed a long, circular conversation about how Alex checked boxes for Victoria, whether Victoria did or didn’t have a list of requirements for Johnny to fulfil, and whether Johnny was or wasn’t ready for an engagement, not to mention marriage and a family, which Victoria wanted, like, yesterday.

I still don’t know the answer after all that talk but heads up! Alex, Tyler and Adam were heading to the beach.

Tyler and Brittany reaffirmed their interest in each other and then there was this weird situation where Jessenia pulled Tyler away for a private chat. And it was totally stupid because we all know that Jessenia likes Andrew. It was meant to support the fiction of a feud between the original women and the new women. And really, producers, really?

Johnny, meanwhile, said he felt sick to his stomach watching Victoria with Alex. Those two went for a talk of their own, also without a resolution. It would seem to be pretty clear cut: if Johnny is unwilling to commit and Alex shares Victoria’s desire to start a family pronto, wouldn’t Alex be Victoria’s match, no matter the quality of the breakfasts with Johnny? Victoria, however, said she was still confused.

It appears that she will stay confused next week. Also, the producers will play a dirty trick on Rodney by bringing Justin back to go on a date with Eliza. I like Justin, but this is what we’re doing now? Bringing back people who didn’t get roses just to cause mayhem?

Also, Hayden and the twins from Rachel’s and Gabby’s season turn up. And why? Nobody cares about the twins, nobody cares about Hayden.

But if you’re still watching, you can tune in next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Men tell nada on Bachelorette but here’s a free cruise

August 30, 2022 /
Host Jesse Palmer prepares for a night of nonsense on “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grab Craig Sjodin/ABC

Monday’s “The Bachelorette: Men Tell All” not only jumped the shark — it climbed on its back and did laps in a pool of man tears and pasta sauce.

What the hell was that?

It’s not that I was expecting fireworks. The men got along too well for that, plus the two contestants who displayed the most misogynistic behaviour — Chris Austin and Hayden Markowitz — were absent.

But I wasn’t expecting the usual inanities to be padded with so much filler, including a promo for Virgin Voyages, complete with free champagne and free cruises for everyone in the audience; an extended promo for “Bachelor in Paradise” with four cast members invited to the hot seat; an even more extended promo for the gay rom-com “Bros” with stars Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane onstage, culminating in Meatball dumping a giant jar of pasta sauce all over himself — because it wasn’t gross enough when he did it earlier in the season.

Meanwhile, poor Aven’s hometown date — “unfinished business,” as host Jesse Palmer called it — got 13 or 14 minutes at the top of the episode before the show moved on to, well, not much of anything.

Aven and Rachel get a love spell in the Crow Haven Corner witch shop.

About Aven’s date with Rachel in Salem, Massachusetts: naturally there had to be something witchcraft-related, so we had a segment involving a “love witch” named Lorelei (with the best accent ever) casting a love spell for Aven and Rachel that ended with the table top and candles sliding to the floor. A bad omen? Not for the meet-the-parents part of the date.

Rachel, still smarting from last week‘s smackdown from Tino’s parents, was nervous that Aven’s folks wouldn’t like her since they hadn’t been keen on his previous two girlfriends. But, unlike Joe and Sandi, A.J. and Dawn managed to ask Rachel tough questions without belittling her and her emotions.

Rachel reassured skeptical A.J. that she and Aven had talked about what real life would look like beyond the show, including raising kids and accommodating each other’s jobs. And when A.J. asked if she was “earnestly, sincerely, wholeheartedly ready to commit to love with Aven,” she answered honestly that she was not, although she did see a future with him.

Both A.J. and Dawn were sold. “Don’t stop fighting for her, man, because she’s a good catch,” A.J. told Aven.

Aven took the advice, telling Rachel he was falling in love with her, which seemed to delight her. She said in her voice-over that she felt like she was falling in love with Aven, too. “This could be my happy ending.”

We know that Aven at least made it to the fantasy suites, since Jesse told us that Rachel and Gabby each kept their remaining three men (Aven, Tino and Zach for Rachel; Erich, Jason and Johnny for Gabby) at the rose ceremony. No surprise there since there are always three fantasy suite dates, hence no need to send anyone home. But surely producers could have taken a couple of minutes away from shilling for Virgin or “Bros” to show us the rose ceremony.

What can I say about what happened after that?

Well, we had newly platinum blond Roby (insert your “Twilight”/”Harry Potter”/”House of the Dragon” reference here) acting like he’d been on the show for weeks instead of hours, chastising Meatball for rejecting Rachel’s rose then deciding he liked her after all. “If you’re more into Rachel, then say that, be that, do that, man up. Have some balls, Meatball!” (Do you think he rehearsed that?)

When Ethan tried to interject and Roby told him to shut the fuck up, Ethan put him in his place: ” You were there at the mansion for four hours for a reason, have some respect for the rest of us who had genuine feelings,” i.e. don’t be a baby back bitch!

Logan Palmer in the luke warm seat on “Men Tell All.”

With neither Chris nor Hayden there to fall on their swords — “cowardly,” Mario said of Hayden’s absence — we had to settle for the other men rehashing what they said and did. But Logan was there, trying to look contrite so we won’t all hate him when we see him on “Paradise.”

Blah, blah, blah, Logan was following his heart. He didn’t intentionally mislead Rachel. He wasn’t sorry he pursued Gabby; he just wished he’d done it in “a more graceful way.”

Not a word was spoken about how he became the only one of the men to get COVID-19 on the cruise ship (allegedly) and why he disappeared without an exit interview.

And then we had the Virgin Voyages plug and the cruise giveaway that Jesse said was “going to change your lives forever.” It’s a vacation, Jesse. At least Oprah gave her audience cars, which could in theory be life-changing.

Jesse gave Nate Mitchell a chance to address social media allegations of being a playa.

Next up, Nate got the “new Bachelor” edit.

Look, I really enjoyed Nate on the show. I was sorry he got sent home. And he was a model of empathetic, emotionally intelligent manhood in his time in the hot seat with Jesse. But is that enough to overcome the taint of a cheating accusation on social media? I’m not convinced.

“Real men hold other men accountable,” Nate said of Chris earlier in the show. Jesse duly asked Nate to address the social media allegations that a) he kept his daughter a secret from a woman he had an 18-month relationship with and b) he dated two women at once.

Nate blamed the trauma of his divorce for him wanting to protect his daughter from “the instability of my dating life” and said he was “deeply sorry for the way I acted” in the case of the two women, adding, “I pray that you forgive the man that I was because I’m not that same person.”

I would have loved a deeper dive into that apology. How unstable was his dating life? What made him change? Did he get therapy? But nah, got to make sure we have enough time for games with the cast of “Bros.”

Next we had the “Bachelor in Paradise” promo, with cast members Serene (Clayton’s season), Genevieve (ditto), Victoria (Peter’s season) and Andrew (Katie’s season) there to assure that it really will be “the most dramatic season” ever. I’m still pissed that Shanae will be there but OK, fine, I’ll be watching.

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia, still as close-knit as ever.

Finally, Rachel and Gabby made their appearance. Their friendship continues to be the best thing about this season.

Sure, Gabby put Mario in his place when he suggested she did him wrong; Jordan V absolved Rachel of any guilt over sending him home on their first date; Gabby accepted an apology from a choked up Jacob for telling her he would have gone home if she was the only woman there; Rachel got a tepid non-apology from Logan and was assured of the undying admiration of hometown castoff Tyler, who told her she did everything “perfectly”; and Gabby commended Nate for being “a leader for all the men and for how well you treat women.” (Another sign that Nate is likely going to be the next Bachelor.)

But Gabby’s and Rachel’s obvious affection and respect for each other was the real payoff. “You need to know just how proud I am of the two of you,” Jesse told them, which was the most sensible thing he said all night.

Finally, Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane took the stage to promote their movie “Bros.” Billy, of course, is the dude who told Colton Underwood during his season he might be the “first gay Bachelor” a couple of years before Colton came out.

Jesse Palmer demonstrates the correct reaction to Meatball getting doused in pasta sauce . . . again.

Billy’s other moment of Bachelor franchise infamy involved presenting a special gift to Meatball of a giant jar of pasta sauce to pour over himself and then getting tackled by a slimy Meatball.

And if this franchise thinks stupid stunts like that are what the show’s fans want, shark-jumping is going to be a regular occurrence.

We continue to plod toward what Jesse claims is going to be a “shocking ending nobody is gonna see coming.” But first, fantasy suites and more tears.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, catch me on Twitter or chat on my Facebook page.

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