So this is it? This is what we spent nine weeks and soon-to-be 16 episodes of “Bachelor in Paradise” for? One lousy engagement?
Since we’ve only seen Night 1 of the two-part finale, I know that technically nobody is engaged yet. But if Brandon and Serene don’t put a ring on it Tuesday, it really will be the most shocking finale ever.
And I also know, because I broke my own rule and read a spoiler, that Johnny and Victoria supposedly also get engaged on Tuesday’s final episode, but nobody cares because — SPOILER ALERT! — they’ve already broken up and she’s allegedly dating Greg Grippo (Katie’s “Bachelorette” season).
So I repeat: one engagement.
Considering the lengths producers went this season to mess with relationships — sending the women away in a “Love Island”-style twist, letting people who’d been sent home come back to chase people who were already coupled up — I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised this is what it came to. But it’s a pretty crappy reward for sticking it out with the worst “Paradise” season yet.
Ahead of Monday’s final rose ceremony, there were eight couples remaining plus Mara, who announced to everyone else, “I think I’m gonna have to take myself out of Paradise.” I’m sorry, are you still here?
The producers did their best to make the rose ceremony a dramatic one by cancelling the cocktail party — this after host Jesse Palmer made a point of telling all the couples they had to think carefully about the state of their relationships and whether they were ready to get engaged. But just don’t talk to the other person while you’re thinking about it.
Despite that, there was only one crash and burn: Logan and Kate, and let’s not pretend we’re surprised.
Logan, bless him, told Kate, “I still believe in you and me” before offering her his rose.
Kate noted that Logan had told her she was “critical, looked down on you, not warm enough and stimulated by the drama.” And your point is?
“In reality, those are projections that I feel from you,” Kate said. “And when Jesse told us earlier to ask ourselves if we were happy or in love, the answer for those questions for me is no. I know what I want and this isn’t it.”
Ouch.
After Kate climbed into the SUV of Shame she basically insulted Logan’s penis size as well as his income. Instead of their relationship being an uphill battle, she said, they should have been “dry-humping in the corner” (or maybe the pool, which is what she did with Jacob, although I guess really that’s wet-humping).
“Please God, bring me a grown-ass man with a big *bleep* and a bigger bank account,” Kate said.
Good luck with that.
The next day it was time for the usual “Paradise is over” speech that always marks this point in the season. Fantasy suites were coming up, yada yada. If the couples weren’t ready to be engaged there was the door, etc. And the dominos began to fall.
The most elegant breakup belonged to twin Justin and Florence.
“At the moment, I think we shouldn’t pursue things outside of Paradise,” he said.
“Yeah, I agree,” said Flo.
Done and dusted.
It wasn’t as easy for his brother, Joey. Shanae tearfully rambled on about how the age gap scared her — he’s 24, she’s 30 — how he wasn’t independent enough since he still lived with his parents, how he was doing TikToks all over the place and she wanted a “man” — insulting Joey more with every utterance.
But honestly, I’m surprised the twins lasted past their first night, never mind to the last day of Paradise.
Three guesses for who had the messiest break-up and the first two don’t count: Come on down, Aaron and Genevieve. You think they were going to go without one last pointless argument?
Essentially, Aaron said that because Genevieve had packed her bags and tried to leave twice when they’d had disagreements he couldn’t trust her to give him the security he needed, even though he claimed to love her.
But hey, he told her she looked beautiful and he wished her the best.
Genevieve responded with silence, which seemed like the right way to go, but then changed her mind and went back to confront Aaron, accusing him of trying to put all the blame for the breakup on her. And to be fair, it did sound like that, but I also kind of agree with Aaron: what was the point of bringing it up?
Eventually Genevieve left for real. “Third time’s the charm,” she said.
Also, in a callback to their famous itching vs. pain argument, she said: “It doesn’t pain me, but it makes my brain itch. I just wasted my time on a child and that’s a big fact.”
Two other couples agreed not to get engaged but left the beach together: Tyler and Brittany, and Michael and Danielle.
Tyler and Brittany said they loved each other; Michael and Danielle did not.
Widower Michael did not definitively say he was ready to love again, but he showed Danielle the compass he’d had made just before his wife died, which he always carries with him, and said, “I can’t help but think this compass brought me to you.” He also said he was excited to introduce Danielle to his son, James, “when the time is right,” and that his late wife, Laura, would have loved Danielle.
So it seemed like a pretty promising exit, except the promo for Tuesday’s finale suggests things didn’t stay promising for Michael and Danielle but, then again, that could just be editing.
But if Michael did dump Danielle after all the special treatment he got this season we’d better not see him on a Bachelor show ever again.
Finally, just two couples were left and headed for fantasy suites: Brandon and Serene, and Victoria and Johnny.
Brandon and Serene, they’ve got this. They’ve been dropping the L-word all over Paradise; they’ve already said they want to spend their lives together. They are obviously the couple that Jesse is talking to in the promo when he tells them they can get married right there on the beach.
“I don’t even have a second thought in my mind that this isn’t gonna work out,” Serene told Brandon in the fantasy suite. Me neither.
As for Victoria and Johnny, like I said, who cares since we already know they’re not going to work out?
In the fantasy suite, Johnny was still shying away from a proposal whereas Victoria still wanted one as badly as ever. But if I was Johnny, I’d be more concerned about the self-loathing he is apparently harbouring.
He told Victoria, “Even just when it comes to looking at myself in a mirror, I just hate everything about me.”
Dude, get some therapy before you put a ring on anything or anyone.
And that’s where we’re at until Tuesday night when it will all be over except for the acrimony at the reunion. Frankly, I would expect nothing less than a shit show after the season we’ve had.
You can watch at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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