Forget Brexit, how about a vexit?
Two of the women who joined Bachelor Zach Shallcross in London, England, on this week’s episode got sent away during a virtual rose ceremony, the franchise’s first. There was to be no union, European or otherwise, for Mercedes and Kylee after Zach handed out his roses over a video screen.
Why virtual? Zach got COVID . . . or so we were told.
One does wonder why, if he tested positive just two days after he and Gabi were snogging — yes, snogging, not snugging, Kat — all over London she didn’t have to isolate as well.
Be that as it may, Gabi got the only in-person quality time with Zach all week, unless you count Kaity talking to him through the door of his hotel room.
And Gabi got the Cinderella date to boot, upgraded to queen for a day since they were in the U.K.
It began with a visit to Floris, perfumer to the royal family and other mucky-mucks — apparently the scent created for Winston Churchill smelled “old man-y” according to Zach. Is that better or worse than smelling like “Sour Patch Kids” or “Christmas with a little bit of weed,” which is how Gabi described some of the scents they sampled as they created their own bespoke perfume, which they named, um, Zabi.
Next up, Grant Harrold, former butler to King Charles III, treated Zach and Gabi to a royal afternoon that included sipping the queen’s cocktail (Dubonnet and gin, Google tells me), trying on tiaras and hats, cavorting with corgis apparently descended from the royal bloodline, enjoying high tea and playing dress-up with what I presume were designer gowns.
This allowed Gabi to reveal that she had struggled with body image issues, but Zach’s reactions to the dresses she tried on were making her feel “the most special I’ve ever felt in my life.”
She chose a frothy, blue confection to wear to dinner, which Zach declared “insane.”
The real fun came when Gabi returned to the women’s hotel suite, laden with bags of swag, including Jimmy Choo sandals.
You didn’t need Edward from Floris to tell you the scent in the room was envy with a top note of tears.
That was especially true for first impression rose winner Greer, who felt that the fact she loves tea entitled her to a one-on-one in London.
She cried enough tears to fill a teapot and I’m talking about a big-ass Brown Betty.
Now, I know Greer isn’t a fan favourite because of tweets she wrote in 2016 defending blackface, but I confess to being a bit puzzled at the seeming trend to consign first impression rose winners on “The Bachelor” to group date hell.
Nice touch by the producers, though, setting up Greer’s meltdown in front of the door to Gabi’s room. Gabi had to get Greer and Charity, who was comforting Greer, to move as she swished past with her bags of loot. Way to rub “dirt in the wound,” to use Greer’s words.
Gabi’s dream date wasn’t over since she still had dinner with Zach ahead of her. I’m not sure what venerable old building they were in, just that it had lots of wood, mullioned windows and candlelight, but Zach assured Gabi he knew things wouldn’t always be this “extravagant.”
“Who’s the person you want to wake up every morning and do life with?” Zach said.
“I had the experience last season where I thought I knew someone and then learned I didn’t. That was devastating to me. I want that long-lasting love.”
Oooh, another dig at Rachel Recchia!
“I think it’s the little things that make somebody feel so loved,” replied Gabi.
Like, say, Zach making her feel beautiful just by looking at her.
Zach told Gabi she was so beautiful it was insane, which appears to be the word of the week. And he was sorry she hadn’t always felt that way. And she was beautiful inside and out …
And just hurry up already, give her the rose and then you can go dance and kiss to UB40 — yes “Red Red Wine” UB40 — performing “(I Can’t Help) Falling in Love With You.”
So the next day was the group date with Brooklyn, Kat, Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Kylee, Jess, Mercedes and Greer, which is when the wheels came off the double decker bus.
Instead of Zach, host Jesse Palmer showed up with a card, clearly not in Zach’s handwriting, saying he was “a little under the weather” but to enjoy the date and he’d see them soon.
Enjoy? Ha!
Kylee grumbled, “You weren’t too sick to stay up all night with Gabi. You’re not gonna be too sick to go on a one-on-one with Charity tomorrow.”
“Today sucks,” complained Kaity after they had piled onto a double decker bus for a tour of the city. Ariel said the bagpiper playing “Amazing Grace” in the cold “sounded like a funeral.” And it rained, although one wonders why they didn’t just move inside the bus, you know, to the other level, as in double decker?
Guzzling pints in the Grapes pub did wonders for their moods, though. (Fun fact, it’s one of the oldest pubs in London, according to its website. Charles Dickens used to hang there and actor Ian McKellen is one of the leaseholders.)
They were feeling perky enough to squish into an old red phone booth — “Who farted?” — eat fish and chips (Mercedes smelling hers first was kind of priceless), and tease a fellow dressed as a royal guard with annoying questions and twerking. Was he really a royal guard? Unclear. He did appear to be standing in front of the Indonesian embassy, but would a royal guard be caught on camera contemptuously raising his eyebrow as the women walked away?
Anyway, the ladies had their game faces and fanciest duds on as they awaited Zach at the after-party only to have a gentleman in a bow tie and dinner jacket deliver a “message from Zachary.”
Yup, still sick, not coming.
If the women were concerned for Zach’s health at this stage, we didn’t see it.
Kat and Kaity cried. Kylee wondered “what is even the point?” Brooklyn said that “selfishly I feel stood up.” Greer doubled down and said she’d been stood up twice.
They consoled themselves by all taking a petal from the discarded date rose.
It was pretty obvious by this point that Charity wasn’t going to get her one-on-one the next day, which she described as “like a toy dangling in my face” that she really wanted. “I don’t know why this happened,” she said.
Well, because Zach got diagnosed with COVID-19, according to Jesse.
It was Zach’s worst nightmare, Jesse said, apparently not because he had a disease that can sometimes be lethal, but because he was losing “quality time” with the women. Priorities, am I right?
Greer managed to muster up, “I just hope he’s OK.”
Kaity, who’s a nurse, was ostensibly so concerned about Zach being all alone in his room with his mind racing — and maybe, I don’t know, feeling sick? — that she took a gift basket to Zach’s room, which was obviously all about making Zach feel better and not about solidifying her position as a front-runner.
After a cursory “how are you doing?” she launched into monologue about how not knowing when she’d see Zach again “has taken a toll on me because I’m here for you,” and “I’m just scared that momentum is gonna fall flat” and “I see a future with you.”
Hell of a door-side manner, that Kaity.
Zach assured her he was excited she was there and he saw “something with you,” which sounds a little vague to me, but Kaity was happy enough to leave him the hell alone.
The answer to Jesse’s earlier question — “How do we move forward?” — was the answer many of us came up with during the pandemic: do it on video.
So Zach held a video cocktail party, speaking to the women individually from the screen of a tablet.
I won’t bore you with the inanities of the various chats, except to say that Charity was gifted with a replica of Big Ben that some production lackey obviously bought and hid behind a pillow in the room where Zach held virtual court.
Greer’s turn came and wow, awkward. First she sat too far away from the tablet; then she said she was glad she couldn’t see herself onscreen because she’d probably just look at herself instead of Zach. And when she tried to commiserate by comparing Zach missing dates because of COVID to her missing her sales goal because of COVID, Zach seemed to take offence.
Finding his future wife “means a lot more to me than the end of a sales quarter,” he chided Greer.
If I were Greer I would figure I was going home too, but when Zach virtually handed out his roses — looking solemn on a large screen as the women picked them up from a basket on a table — Greer got the last one. Go figure.
Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess and Ariel also got roses, so nine women are moving on to wherever they end up next week.
The end-of-episode promo previewed the rest of the season rather than the next episode and it looks like there might be some non-fantasy suite hanky panky in Zach’s future, although these things can be deceiving.
You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv and you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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