PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC
Does a villain by any other name smell as rank?
It seems a question worth asking since on Tuesday’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise” Chris Conran stirred up a storm of moral outrage the likes of which I can’t remember seeing since supervillain Chad Johnson rampaged around the beach in 2016.
Yeah, Chris acted like a dick with a capital D, no question. He goes to a “VIP” party with Jessenia, the woman he allegedly came to Paradise for; Alana Milne, a Toronto contestant from Matt James’ Bachelor season, walks in and soon Chris is playing tonsil hockey with her in front of Jessenia and everyone else.
Not cool, no question. But was his flip-floppery worthy of them both being run off the beach, which is what happened at the end of the episode, after Chris and Alana had returned from a ziplining date?
Paradise’s version of judge, jury and executioner, led by Joe and Riley, decided that they must have had a pre-existing relationship — Alana said they had met a few times pre-Paradise — and told Chris to, in Jessenia’s words, “follow your heart and get the fuck out of here.”
(There’s a certain irony to the fact Chris said he had found a spark with Alana that he’d been missing with Jessenia, which is exactly what Jessenia said when she threw Ivan over for Chris. Karma, it’s a thing apparently.)
With Chris being banished, Alana had no choice but to go too. She would have been a pariah if she’d stayed. Chris suggested they leave together, but Alana sensibly pointed out that would mean they were pursuing a committed relationship “and after one day here I cannot tell you that.”
So to circle back to my first question: if Chris committed an unforgivable sin by throwing over one woman for another one he had met before, what about Brendan, who was very clearly in a pre-Paradise relationship before he screwed over Natasha by dumping her when his girlfriend Pieper showed up? And not just dumping her but saying insulting things about her, whereas Chris kept telling everyone how great Jessenia was.
“I feel the same way Jessenia feels,” said a puzzled Natasha. “You guys feel this strongly about Chris, but you don’t feel as strongly about my situation?”
Those chickens might come home to roost next Tuesday, according to the end-of-episode promos. We’ll see.
In the meantime, the game of musical partners continued with others besides Chris.
I’m sure you haven’t forgotten about Kenny, who started out with Mari, took up with Demi when Mari told him she was interested in dating other people, and then went on a date with Tia, putting him at the centre of the beach’s only lust quadrangle (so far).
Mari was trying to win Kenny back, a plan that was complicated when new guest host Tituss Burgess showed up and invited some of the cast to a “VIP” party. Demi and Kenny made the cut; Mari didn’t and she worried that Demi would use the bash to solidify her position with Kenny.
But here’s the thing: Demi’s only strategy for solidifying things apparently involved sex positions. Before Tituss showed up, she was still talking about getting Kenny back in the boom boom room.
Too bad for Demi that Kenny and Mari kissed and made up: it seems Kenny had feelings for Mari that he’d never felt before, which makes you wonder about this dude’s romantic history. He’s 40 and his most significant relationship to date is with someone he’s known for a few weeks and whom he was triple-timing?
When Kenny broke the news to Demi she ranted about how Mari was stuck up and mean and evil and a pageant girl, and why would Kenny want Mari instead of “someone like me who is playful and funny”? And then, when Kenny didn’t bite, she accused him of being “the most immature 40-year-old I’ve ever met in my life,” harsh words from an immature 26-year-old.
Meanwhile, the VIP party planted some other seeds of chaos, which was obviously the whole point.
Chelsea Vaughn was one of four new women invited to the party and one of two, including Alana, who landed on the beach the next day with a date card in hand.
Chelsea chose to take Aaron, which was mildly annoying for former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin, who claimed she was interested in forming a relationship with him.
Aaron was quite taken by Chelsea’s legs, which he said were “two miles long”; Chelsea by Aaron’s eyes, which she described as “not regular brown.” It’s OK: you can pause and let the poetry wash over you.
Then, oh look: a date card arrives for Becca while Aaron is still out with Chelsea. And Becca, having had a “surprisingly good conversation” with Thomas at the party, decides to ask him on the date.
But Thomas was in a thing with Tammy, who had dumped Aaron for him, and now Thomas was going on a date with the woman who had saved Aaron’s ass after Tammy discarded him. Wow, you practically need a chart to keep up.
Becca asked Tammy’s permission first, and Tammy gave her blessing and then cried her eyes out after Becca and Thomas left.
The reaction she got was not quite as sympathetic as what was lavished on Jessenia.
“Tammy did it to herself,” said Maurissa, explaining that Aaron was like a “really good quarter” that was a little bit rusty, but Tammy got distracted by a “shiny penny.”
Aaron’s reaction, when he returned to the beach, was that Tammy deserved to cry: “She did me dirty and it’s coming back to bite her.”
So you probably don’t need me to tell you that Becca and Thomas hit it off, right? Complete with lots of smooching? No? Good. James was convinced that Thomas’s interest in Becca was mainly about her being a former Bachelorette, so higher in the pecking order than a former Bachelor villain.
In case you’re trying to keep track, Abigail and Noah, and Joe and Serena are the only Day 1 couples still going strong, unless you count Kenny and Mari getting back together.
Are there actually going to be any engagements at the end of this? Maybe the show should have budgeted for cubic zirconia instead of Neil Lane? Guess we’ll see.
Next week, Riley and Maurissa get into the whip cream; Kendall is not OK with Joe kissing Serena; next guest host Lil Jon shows up; general mayhem apparently ensues. Who knows? Maybe we’ll even get a rose ceremony.
You can watch at 8 p.m. Tuesday on ABC or online later at Citytv.com. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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