dropping like flies. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC
We mostly got the ending we deserved on “Bachelor in Paradise.”
The pandemic-delayed seventh season finished with the two best couples on the beach engaged — along with a third that, let’s admit it, we were all skeptical about — but not before an idiotic bit of production trickery that was a truly lame attempt to inject drama into the overlong finale.
Kendall Long had absolutely no business being on the beach the day her ex, Joe Amabile, got engaged to Serena Pitt. But there she was, walking down the stairs and onto the platform where Joe was waiting for Serena, delivering a gratuitous speech about how she’d come to Paradise to fully let go of Joe, blah, blah, blah, and now she was “really excited” for him and Serena.
“I felt I couldn’t leave this beach without fully expressing that to you,” Kendall said.
Well, she could have and, in fact, had left the beach already. Whether her return was her idea or the producers’ — I’m going with the latter — it was tawdry and ridiculous.
To add insult to injury, after Kendall left, Joe grimaced and walked away from the platform while the newly engaged Kenny and Mari, watching from above, speculated that Kendall’s visit had put Joe off proposing. I’d like to think Joe walked away to collect himself because he was pissed at the producers, but I’m guessing it was all part of the script, the one that was supposed to make us think that Joe and Serena might not end up together.
Here’s the thing: while the drama is certainly part of the Paradise experience, at the end of it all we want love and a promise of marriage. And we got to see some beautiful, touching, tear-inducing moments between Joe and Serena, Kenny and Mari, and Riley and Maurissa as they all confirmed their love for each other, respectively, on their fantasy suite dates.
And then we watched Kenny and Mari, and Riley and Maurissa get engaged. Joe and Serena seemed so head over heels there could be no doubt that they were about to do the same thing, which is why trying to make it look like Joe’s ex was going to come between them was insulting, cynical and pointless.
After eight weeks of villains and triangles and quadrangles and jerks who were only there to jack their social media followings, we deserved to bask in the reflected glow of the couples who made it to the end without a last ditch bit of production nonsense.
celebrate their engagements on the “Bachelor in Paradise” finale
And the episode did not need to be three hours long, especially since it didn’t include an “After the Final Rose” segment. We had to settle for captions on a video recap of the season that told us the three engaged pairs were still together.
And what of the others who coupled up during the season?
We already knew that Noah Erb and Abigail Heringer were breaking up after last week’s episode. The start of this week’s belaboured the point by showing more of Noah’s and Abigail’s teary parting, with each declaring they weren’t each other’s “person.” Except, we found out later that they’ve started seeing each other again and are taking things “slowly.”
At the next night’s rose ceremony, Thomas and Becca, James and Anna, Aaron and Tia, and Ed and Mykenna agreed to stick together (leaving Chelsea and Natasha to go home alone). Since the latter three pairs had been hanging out for mere days, if not hours, it can’t have come as a shock that they all broke up after Dean Unglert and Caelynn Miller-Keyes — yep, they’re what now passes for a Paradise success story — told them the next day that, essentially, they had to shit or get off the pot with fantasy suites happening that night.
Ed seemed to really want that fantasy suite. Mykenna told him three times that she just wasn’t that into him before he finally stopped trying to MacGyver a relationship between them.
Anna went more quickly after James told her her couldn’t see them falling in love. But James didn’t leave alone. He took his bromantic partner Aaron with him — after Aaron perpetrated what might be the speediest breakup in Paradise history.
“I know we’ve hung out the last couple of days,” he told Tia. “It’s been great and I actually care about you, but James is waiting right now. We’re about to bounce.”
And bounce they did, happily riding off in the same van.
“I love you, bro,” said James.
“Dude, that’s facts. How do I feel about you, bro?” replied Aaron.
“You’re my world, bro,” whispered James.
Apparently, they’re now roommates and BFFs, so whoever says you can’t find love on a “Bachelor” show is misinformed.
And then there were Thomas and Becca. Thomas was gung ho to take their relationship outside Paradise, telling Becca, “When I Iook at you, everything inside me screams I’m falling in love with you.” But Becca said their connection seemed too good to be true and she couldn’t leave with someone she didn’t fully know.
I know lots of people have accused Thomas of being fake, but he cried what looked to me like real tears after Becca dumped him, begging her in seeming anguish to “Let me go!” when she ran after him for a final hug. According to the end-of-episode montage, Becca later had a change of heart and they’re now dating and in love.
There was nothing left then but for the final three couples to have their fantasy suite dates and lay the groundwork for the next day’s proposals with the requisite voice-overs about potential cold feet.
The highlights include:
Serena telling Joe she was in love with him and Joe mock-protesting “I was gonna say that later. You’re saying that now?” Serena crying happy tears in her confessional explaining how she felt about Joe. And Joe tearing up when he told Serena that the night they said they were falling in love with each other meant more to him “than anything that’s ever happened to me.”
Oh, and Joe telling Serena he was into her smile, her charm, her looks and her “Toronto accent.”
Riley telling Maurissa about a fantasy he’d had since he was 21 of waking up on a Sunday morning with his wife and daughter, then telling Maurissa, “When I see you, I see Sunday morning.” And during the proposal, Riley and Maurissa confessing they’d fallen in love with each other on their first date.
And even with Kenny and Mari there were sweet moments, notwithstanding that at one point this season Kenny was having sex with Demi and dating Tia at the same time. As he said to Mari during his proposal, “We were tested like no other couple in Paradise.” And his hand shook endearingly as he put the Neil Lane ring on Mari’s finger.
When all was said and done, it was a lovely end to the season. If my favourite couple, Joe and Serena, rewatch it, I’d just fast-forward through the bit with Kendall.
There was one other update that seemed to cheer fans on Twitter.
Wannabe influencers Brendan Morais and Pieper James, we were told, “are laying low,” while the woman Brendan strung along, Natasha Parker, “has over 460,000 followers on Instagram.”
As for me, I’ll be back recapping “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” starting next week — it airs Oct. 10 at 8 p.m. on Citytv — and the new season of “The Bachelorette” the week after that.
You can visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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