Rachel Recchia and Gabby Windey toast to the fantasy suite dates to come.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

After watching Monday’s fantasy suites episode of “The Bachelorette” — excuse me, the first of two fantasy suites episodes — it’s hard to see how we’ll end up with a “shocking ending nobody is gonna see coming,” as per host Jesse Palmer.

Let’s start with Rachel.

She told Gabby within the first minutes of the episode that she wasn’t “there” with Zach and presumably will share that information with him on tomorrow night’s date. She told Aven she was falling in love with him but was already exchanging “I love you’s” with Tino — his parents’ hostility notwithstanding — so it would take one hell of a twist for her not to end up engaged to Tino.

(Mind you, the conspiracy theorist in me can imagine the producers flying Papa Joe to Mexico to slow Tino’s roll.)

As for Gabby, well, Johnny was clearly there for a good time, not a long time, and left sans fantasy suite. And Jason, who hadn’t had his date yet, told Jesse what he already told his mother during hometowns, that he wasn’t ready to get engaged. That would seem to leave Erich as the last man standing — assuming he gets over his jealousy about Gabby’s other overnight dates. And if Jason tells Gabby sooner rather than later that he’s “not quite” falling for her, there won’t be any other overnights for Erich to obsess over.

But I know, I know: this is “The Bachelorette” we’re talking about, and the editing can make black look white and up seem down, so I suppose anything’s possible.

In the meantime, as we slog our way to the finish, let’s recap.

First off, Gabby and Rachel reunited in the Riviera Maya for some Champagne and girl talk. The main point of this, besides reminding everyone which men were still hanging around, was to allow them to bring up the week on Clayton Echard’s season when “everything went haywire,” in Rachel’s words.

“I never want to make anyone else feel the way that we did,” Gabby said.

“We get to rewrite what this week means and make it into something positive,” Rachel said.

But does anyone ever get to rewrite fantasy suite week? I don’t see how, unless they refuse to play the stupid “I’m falling for three men/women at the same time” game.

Gabby had the first date, with Erich.

Erich Schwer helps Gabby psych up to jump off a “lovers’ leap.” The sign says: “Love gives you wings.”

I can only assume Erich really is (or was) into Gabby since he left his dying father behind to be with her in Mexico.

They certainly seemed very close as they cavorted and smooched at a “lovers’ leap,” so much so that Gabby told Erich, “I wish I could crawl inside you” and what the hell does that even mean?

He told her later over an uneaten charcuterie board that he loved her and she repeated what she said at hometowns, that she was falling in love with him. Then they headed off to the fantasy suite — and can we please stop pretending the fantasy suite cards are a surprise? — to “really feel each other’s love,” in Gabby’s words.

The next morning came one of the longest goodbyes in fantasy suite memory as Erich lingered, conflicted about the idea of Gabby spending the night with other men. Gabby seemed conflicted too, about whether she wanted to be engaged to Erich, although she did say in her voice-over she thought she was in love with him.

Next up was Rachel’s date with Aven and it was a perfectly generic overnight date.

Aven Jones and Rachel chill on a yacht.

There was a yacht with a hot tub; there was Champagne and smooching; there was talk about how much Rachel and Aven had grown on their journey. And I’m sorry, I like Aven, but it all felt kind of rote to me.

Rachel and Gabby had made much ado about how they didn’t want to carelessly throw around the word “love” like Clayton had. But Rachel told Aven that, knowing how much the word meant to him, she was comfortable telling him she was falling in love with him too.

It was the only overnight on Monday’s episode in which we actually saw the couple in bed together the next morning; clothed, but still.

“It’s definitely really important to explore your physical connection and Aven is the full package — the full package,” Rachel said with a twinkle in her eye, laughing.

Can’t wait for Tino’s parents to watch that.

And speaking of Tino, his date was next up. We already knew how hard he was jonesing to see Rachel since we’d been subjected to footage of sad Tino saying how gut-wrenching it was to have to wait around, knowing his girl might be sleeping with other men.

He even got a special visit from Jesse so he could moan about it some more and also so Jesse could bring up the hometown from hell with Tino’s parents. Since there was so little suspense in Monday’s episode, we had to be led to believe that Tino’s hometown was so scarring for Rachel that she might not be able to get past it.

Rachel on her date with her potential Mr. Forever, Tino Franco.

And listen, it’s not that I’m saying that hometown wasn’t awful. Tino’s folks totally disrespected Rachel, especially his father. But I also expected exactly what happened to happen: which was that after Tino told her that he loved her (once again circumventing conversation about his parents’ rudeness) and she said it back — so much for not throwing the word around — Rachel bought into his assurance that his family would come to love her too.

I’m not personally convinced they will, but perhaps that’s a topic for “After the Final Rose.”

In the meantime, we didn’t even get to see Rachel’s and Tino’s morning after because we had to rush onto a boat ride with Johnny and Gabby.

Gabby clearly thought Johnny was hot, fine, but I was somewhat mystified by her assertion she could see a life with Johnny after the show. I don’t think anyone else could, including Johnny.

Whereas other men were talking about being or falling in love, Johnny said, “Gabby is the dopest girl I think I’ve ever hung with.” That says it all right there.

Johnny DePhillipo gives it to Gabby straight: no engagement for him, not on this show anyway.

When Gabby told Johnny straight up she was ready to get engaged, Johnny replied that was “a hard thing to think about,” even though he claimed he could see himself falling in love with her. But with proposal day just a week or two off, Johnny sensibly told the truth about not being ready and Gabby just as sensibly walked away without taking him to the fantasy suite.

(There are spoilers out there, not that I was looking for them, about Johnny coupling up with someone else on “Bachelor in Paradise.” Apparently ABC even ran a “Paradise” promo with Johnny in it before we’d watched him break up with Gabby. Nice timing that.)

Gabby consoled herself with the thought that Erich and Jason were both ready for an engagement and . . . uh oh.

There was Jesse, like a harbinger of doom, paying a call on Jason.

“Do you feel like you’re falling in love with Gabby?” Jesse asked.

“I would say I’m not quite there just yet. I would say I have strong feelings toward Gabby,” Jason replied.

Sorry, son, but you don’t pass go on this show with mere strong feelings.

Jason Alabaster gives Jesse Palmer the goods about his inability to commit to Gabby.

It probably goes without saying but no, Jason could not see himself at the point of engagement in just two weeks.

But hey, Gabby still had Erich and . . . uh oh.

As Gabby was back in her suite, still brooding about Johnny, there was a knock and a note at her door: “I need to see you, I’ll be waiting on the bridge,” with no signature.

But what was initially an affectionate reunion with Erich ended with Gabby in tears, feeling ambushed.

Referring to the night they had just spent together, Erich said, “I’m now sitting here picturing the girl that I’m in love with doing that with somebody else. That kind of crushes me . . . I’m having a really hard time.”

“We talked about this off camera,” Gabby said tearfully. “Like, I feel like we were able to have an honest conversation about it in fantasy suites. So you brought me here to tell me it again.”

Erich insisted he hadn’t, but it went downhill from there. The episode ended with Gabby walking away from Erich, questioning whether Erich was her guy after all, and the “To be continued” chyron on the screen.

So where will it all end up? Who knows? Since we’ve seen promo footage of both Rachel and Gabby on proposal day, somebody must stick around to put a ring on it . . . or not.

It appears that Rachel will “blindside” Zach on tomorrow’s episode with her lack of fully developed feelings for him; ditto Jason with Gabby and that Gabby might skip the rose ceremony. Beyond that, I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t read spoilers.

You can watch Fantasy Suites Part 2 Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC. I don’t know when Citytv will air it. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo