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Because I love television. How about you?

Month: March 2022

Watchable March 28-April 3, 2022

March 28, 2022 /

SHOW OF THE WEEK: Revenge of the Black Best Friend (March 31, CBC Gem)

From left, Daren A. Herbert, Dante Jemmott, Tymika Tafari, Olunike Adeliyi and Victoria Taylor
in “Revenge of the Black Best Friend.” PHOTO CREDIT: Duane Cole/CBC Gem

The saying “It’s funny ’cause it’s true” could be a tag line for this clever and entertaining web series from CBC host and playwright Amanda Parris.

Parris and her writers’ room lampoon the film and TV industry’s very real (and not funny) marginalization of Black actors and creators in a way that will have you nodding your head in recognition while you chuckle.

The series grew from Parris’s own reflections on movies and TV shows she enjoyed when she was younger and her recognition when she rewatched them of how much they minimized the Black characters.

Those productions aren’t name-checked in “Revenge of the Black Best Friend,” but you’ll suss them out anyway, whether it’s 2000 movie “Bring It On” (white cheerleading squad steals Black squad’s cheers); 2009 TV series “Glee” (white character Rachel gets the solos, superior Black singer Mercedes is kept in the background); or 1997 cult TV hit “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (white lead Buffy kicks demon butt while Black slayer Kendra gets killed off after three episodes).

And even if you haven’t seen any of those shows or movies, you have surely seen others just like them.

The conceit of “Revenge” is that a self-help guru, talk show host and author named Dr. Toni Shakur — played by the talented Olunike Adeliyi of “The Porter” (and lots of other stuff if you check her IMDb page) — is out to shake up the “white narrative industrial complex” by helping Black performers get their due.

Or, as she tells one Black actor, in a nod to the (often broken) promises made to lure Black immigrants to Canada in the 1700s and 1800s, “I’m getting you your proverbial 40 acres and a mule.”

The show — which Parris says owes a debt to the 1987 movie satire “Hollywood Shuffle” — is full of that kind of smart, knowing comedy, whether it’s a protester carrying a sign that says “How many ethnicities will you let Rob Schneider play?” or a patronizing white director who boasts that his profile picture is “still a black square.”

As the series progresses — I screened four episodes — it becomes clear that Dr. Toni is not immune to the kind of diminishment she’s helping others battle. Or, to quote another great line, she too is “lost in a sea of caucacity.”

Black actors, naturally, are front and centre in “Revenge,” which also features an all-Black writing and directing team. It seems ridiculous that in 2021 we’re still hedging over whether Black performers can carry a show. But if you have doubts, I suggest you watch “Revenge of the Black Best Friend.”

And while we’re on the subject of giving creators and performers of colour their due, you should also make some time —and with 15-minute episodes we’re not talking a prohibitive amount of time — for web series “Topline” (March 31, CBC Gem) by Filipino writer-director Romeo Candido.

Charismatic actor Cyrena Fiel stars as Filipina teenager Tala. She’s a dutiful daughter with an alter ego, a singer-songwriter named Illisha. When one of the songs that “Illisha” recorded in Tala’s suburban bathroom goes viral, Tala gets invited to join the songwriting team at a Toronto studio. But keeping that secret from her father, who’s getting by on disability benefits and whatever Tala and her sister Gabby earn at their part-time jobs, is clearly setting up some conflict.

Short Takes

Sarah Lancashire as Julia Child in “Julia.” PHOTO CREDIT: Seacia Pavao/HBO Max

Julia (March 31, 10 p.m., Crave)

If you never experienced the real Julia Child, this series from Daniel Goldfarb (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”) will give you a sense of why the American cookbook author and TV host was so beloved. That’s mainly down to English actor Sarah Lancashire, who’s beloved herself for shows like “Happy Valley,” “Last Tango in Halifax” and “Coronation Street.” Although she’s a good four inches shorter than the real Child and her voice is pitched higher, it’s the emotional rather than the physical that makes her portrayal such a delight. Lancashire’s Child is warm, charismatic and humble, a woman with a zest for both life and cooking who suffers very relatable self-doubt. The series also benefits from a crackerjack supporting cast, including David Hyde Pierce as Julia’s husband Paul, his “Frasier” castmate Bebe Neuwirth as her best friend Avis, and Brittany Bradford and Fran Kanz as the public television producers responsible for her seminal program “The French Chef.” That TV series started out as a modest, even amateurish, stab at a cooking show on Boston’s PBS outlet in 1962 and spread across the country, lasting until 1973. “Julia” isn’t what you’d call a high-stakes drama, but it does a creditable job of depicting the sexism of the era. I doubt Child would have called herself a feminist but, as “Julia” tells it, she had to run an old boys’ gauntlet to get her show on the air, particularly as a woman who wasn’t conventionally attractive. “Julia” is in some ways as down to earth as its namesake, a good old-fashioned linear TV series, but I found it very easy to watch and enjoy.

Crave also has a couple of documentaries: HBO’s “How to Survive a Pandemic” (March 29, 9 p.m.), about the race to develop and distribute COVID-19 vaccines; and the Oscar-nominated HBO short “When We Were Bullies” (March 30, 9 p.m.). The latter is a treatise on memory and social responsibility as filmmaker Jay Rosenblatt is reminded of a disturbing incident that happened at his elementary school 50 years before and tries to figure out why it bothers him so much a half-century later.

Gary Oldman as Jackson Lamb in “Slow Horses.” PHOTO CREDIT: Apple TV Plus

Slow Horses (April 1, Apple TV)

The first couple of episodes of this series live up to the slow part of its name. After a pulse-pounding opening in which wet-behind-the-ears MI5 agent River Cartwright (Jack Lowden) fails to stop a terrorist from blowing up a train station, we’re thrust into so-called Slough House, a purgatory for second-rate and past-their-prime spies led by Jackson Lamb (Gary Oldman), who calls his collection of rejects “M-I-fucking-useless.” Obviously, if River — sent down after his bomb fiasco, which was actually a training exercise — and his new colleagues were really useless we wouldn’t be watching the show, but it takes its time giving us a reason to care about these sad sacks. Once it does, though, it’s a decent enough spy caper, with Jackson and his charges sucked into a a case involving a young Muslim man, Hassan (Antonio Aakeel), kidnapped by a white supremacist group and an MI5 boss (Kristin Scott Thomas) who’s playing with Hassan’s life to score political points. “Horses” doesn’t reinvent the espionage wheel, but you’ll probably want to stick around to see how it all turns out. And you can do worse than to have an actor of Oldman’s calibre on your small screen.

From left, Darren Boyd, Rhianne Barreto, Christopher Walken, Clare Perkins, Gamba Cole
and Stephen Merchant in “The Outlaws.” PHOTO CREDIT: Amazon Studios

The Outlaws (April 1, Prime Video)

I have to be honest, I didn’t like this show much after the first episode, which seemed an uneasy mix of comedy and drama with characters that were more like caricatures. Luckily, it gets better as we find out more about the very different people thrown together to do community service in Bristol, England, after committing petty crimes. Even insufferable businessman John (Darren Boyd), spouting reactionary, politically incorrect nonsense, starts to seem sympathetic. While trying to atone for their misdemeanours, the team gets drawn into a dangerous criminal mess involving a bag of stolen drug money. It seems a safe bet the misfits will all pull together to get out of the jam. Stephen Merchant, a co-creator with Ricky Gervais of shows like the original “The Office” and “Extras,” co-created this one and also stars as geeky lawyer Gregory. The marquee star is Christopher Walken, playing American draft dodger and forger Frank in his own inimitable manner. And keep an eye out for Jessica Gunning, who’s a hoot as corrections supervisor Diane.

Prime Video also has the space movie “Moonfall” (April 1), starring Halle Berry, Patrick Wilson and John Bradley of “Game of Thrones” as astronauts who have to save the Earth from colliding with the moon.

Odds and Ends

Disney Plus has yet another Marvel series debuting this week with “Moon Knight” (March 30), starring Oscar Isaac as a former Marine with dissociative identity disorder who gains the powers of an Egyptian moon god, and my apologies for not screening it for you, but I have kind of hit peak Marvel. Ethan Hawke also stars as villain Arthur Harrow. Also on the Disney slate this week, “Death on the Nile” (March 30), a film based on the Agatha Christie novel with Kenneth Branagh, who won an Oscar Sunday night for his screenplay for “Belfast,” both directing and starring as Hercule Poirot.

Netflix offerings this week include “The Bubble” (April 1), a film comedy about the cast and crew of a blockbuster movie sequel shooting the film while in a pandemic bubble. It’s got a big cast of proven comedy stars and Judd Apatow directed. Netflix also has Apollo 10-1/2: A Space Age Childhood (April 1), an animated film from “Boyhood” director Richard Linklater about a space-mad kid growing up in Houston around the time of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

If you’re into food reality shows, there’s a new competition series coming to Food Network Canada March 28 at at 10 p.m.: “Wall of Chefs” spinoff “Wall of Bakers,” in which amateur bakers battle for $10,000 and bragging rights.

Global TV has the new CBS comedy “How We Roll” (March 31, 9:30 p.m.), starring Pete Holmes as a Midwest father who gets laid off from his factory job and decides to become a professional bowler.

Finally, the Magnolia Network launches in Canada this week. The network, a creation of the popular home reno couple Chip and Joanna Gaines, offers a wide spectrum of lifestyle programming including the Gaines’ own “Fixer Upper: Welcome Home” beginning March 30 at 9 p.m. See magnolianetwork.ca for the full slate of programming.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Watchable March 21-27, 2022

March 21, 2022 /

SHOW OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Pachinko (March 25, Apple TV Plus)

Minha Kim and Lee Min-Ho in “Pachinko.” PHOTO CREDIT: Apple TV Plus

In a TV universe full of distractions, “Pachinko” is a show that demands your full attention.

Based on the 2017 novel by Korean-American author Min Jin Lee, it’s an epic on a sweeping scale but also a deeply human story that finds its power in small, intimate moments.

It shifts between 1915 when a girl named Sunja is born in the fishing village of Yeongdo in South Korea and 1989 when that girl’s grandson, an investment banker named Solomon (Jin Ha), returns from America to Osaka, Japan, where his family has settled.

The family’s personal dramas in the intervening years are played out against the colonization of Korea by the Japanese, which lasted from 1910 to 1945. It’s not a period of history that I expect non-Korean North Americans would know much about, but in the series the cruelty of that subjugation is a continuous thread. The Koreans are treated as second-class citizens in their own country and as less than human when they migrate to Japan for jobs.

For Sunja’s family, everything turns on an illicit romance between the teenage Sunja (Minha Kim) and the older Koh Hansu (Lee Min-Ho), a Korean man who has become rich by collaborating with the Japanese. When Sunja becomes pregnant and Hansu is unable to marry her, Sunja and her widowed mother Yangjin (Inji Jeong) face ruin.

The title “Pachinko,” a pinball-like arcade game that originated in Japan, is obviously a metaphor. Players sometimes win despite the fact the machines are rigged to make that more difficult.

In the case of Sunja, poor and uneducated though intelligent and intuitive, that lucky break comes in the form of Korean minister Isak (Steve Sang-Hyun Noh), a stranger in Yeongdo who nearly dies of tuberculosis but is nursed back to health by Yangjin. He offers to marry Sunja and give her baby a name. But the cost of being saved is Sunja leaving behind everything she knows and beginning a hand-to-mouth existence in Osaka with Isak’s unhappy brother Yoseb (Junwoo Han) and his wife Kyunghee (Jung Eun-chae).

I don’t want to give the impression it’s all doom and gloom, though. Love between the characters — familial love, friendship, romantic love, love of self and one’s culture — is woven throughout and uplifts the story.

Three wonderful actors play Sunja at various ages, including Yu-na Jeon as a child and Youn Yuh-jung, who won an Oscar for “Minari,” as an old woman, but Minha Kim is particularly affecting in her portrayal.

Two other things to note. I initially found the show’s jumps back and forth in time off-putting, particularly since it takes a while to tease out the importance of various characters, but I’m glad I stuck with it.

And do make sure you watch the opening credits, in which the lead actors joyously dance to the title song, the Grass Roots’ “Let’s Live for Today.”

SHOW OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Bridgerton (March 25, Netflix)

From left, Charithra Chandran, Simone Ashley and Jonathan Bailey in Season 2 of “Bridgerton.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Liam Daniel/Netflix

I did not so much binge the eight new episodes of “Bridgerton” as devour them.

After all, we fans of the Chris Van Dusen-created, Shonda Rhimes-produced period romantic drama have been waiting 13 months for the new season, clearly not as long as, say, a “droughtlander” but long enough if you fell in love with the show in December 2020.

All the things that contributed to making the first season so delightful are back — colourful costumes, sumptuous sets, anachronistic music, humour, snappy dialogue, feminist underpinnings — but the most important ingredient is the romance.

Does it live up to the Season 1 wooing between Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dynevor) and the Duke of Hastings (Regé-Jean Page, who true to his word does not appear in the new season)? Yes, absolutely.

This season is all about Viscount Anthony Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey), the eldest of the seven Bridgerton siblings, who was left with a heavy burden after his father Edmund died when Anthony was still a teenager.

Alas, that crushing sense of duty has stunted Anthony emotionally. When he decides it’s time to do right as heir and find a wife, he’s not looking for a soul mate so much as checking boxes on a list.

Miss Edwina Sharma (Charithra Chandran), charming, accomplished and pretty, fits the bill, having travelled from Bombay to London to find a husband with her widowed mother, Lady Mary (Shelley Conn), and stepsister Kate (Simone Ashley). She has also been anointed the season’s “diamond” by Queen Charlotte (Golda Rosheuvel).

But Kate wants a love match for Edwina and is determined to thwart Anthony. And there’s an even bigger obstacle: it’s clear from their first antagonistic meeting, when Anthony encounters Kate taking a very unladylike, early morning horse ride, that they’re meant to be together.

A big part of what makes this season so delicious is how long we have to wait for true love to bloom. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say that Anthony’s pursuit of Edwina gets very far along, almost to the point of no return. Meanwhile, the passion between him and Kate crackles off the screen with every longing glance and fleeting touch.

Anthony even gets his own Mr. Darcy emerging dripping wet from a pond moment (see “Pride and Prejudice,” 1995) when his unacknowledged ardour for Kate — and her corgi Newton — literally knocks him off his feet. (I have to assume that was Van Dusen’s homage to “P&P” since he told me that 1995 scene inspired his creation of “Bridgerton.”)

Whereas Daphne and Simon were enjoying newlywed sex by Episode 5 of the first season, here we have to wait till Episode 6 just to get a kiss and I’m not mad about that. The anticipation adds to the enjoyment.

Meanwhile, the series is generous with its other characters. We get lots more of the Queen, of Lady Danbury (Adjoa Andoh), of Violet (Ruth Gemmell), Benedict (Luke Thompson) and Colin Bridgerton (Luke Newton), of Penelope Featherington, a.k.a. Lady Whistledown (Nicola Coughlan), and her best friend Eloise Bridgerton (Claudia Jessie). The marriage-averse Eloise even gets a love interest.

My favourite secondary character development, however, involves Lady Portia Featherington (Polly Walker), something of an avaricious laughing stock in Season 1. This season she gets to demonstrate her intelligence, her survival instincts and her devotion to her daughters.

And that brings me to one more point: love of family is an even bigger theme this season and one that gives the episodes a warmth that undercuts the catty frivolousness of the ton. Kate’s and Anthony’s determination to stifle their longings in the name of duty is motivated by their devotion to their families, no matter how wrongheaded and shortsighted it may be.

Watching “Bridgerton” might feel like a guilty pleasure, but there’s some substance behind the froth.

Short Takes

Sammy Azero and Mo Zeighami in “Tehranto.” PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy Canadian Film Fest

Canadian Film Fest (March 22 to April 2, 9 p.m., Super Channel Fuse)

Ten Canadian-made feature films and 28 shorts make up the third annual edition of this virtual festival. The opener is “Tehranto” by Iranian-Canadian filmmaker Faran Moradi. It’s a love story between Badi (Sammy Azero), who came with his family to Toronto after the Iranian Revolution, and Canadian-born Sharon (Mo Zeighami), whose Iranian parents came to Toronto via Europe. Differences of class — Sharon’s parents are well off while Badi’s father delivers pizza — and culture, between Iranians born there and here, complicate the relationship. See superchannel.ca for the full festival slate. Each movie is preceded by an introduction and a short film.

John Cameron Mitchell as Joe Exotic in “Joe vs. Carole.” PHOTO CREDIT: Mark Taylor/Peacock

Joe vs. Carole (March 23, 9 p.m., Showcase/StackTV)

The first question that comes to mind about this Peacock limited series is “Why?” The answer is likely that in March 2020, when the show went into development, it seemed like a good idea since the Netflix docuseries “Tiger King” about Joe Maldonado-Passage, a.k.a. Joe Exotic, and his nemesis Carole Baskin seemed like all anyone could talk about. But two years later, an eight-part dramedy about the feud between the Oklahoma private zoo keeper and the Florida animal rights activist seems like overkill. It’s not that it’s badly done. John Cameron Mitchell and Kate McKinnon certainly give the roles of the two combatants their all. Mitchell is particularly captivating as Joe Exotic, disappearing into the part. Unfortunately, you never really lose sight of the fact you’re watching Kate McKinnon play Carole. And the supporting characters, including John Finlay (Sam Keeley), John Reinke (Brian Van Holt) and Travis Maldonado (Nat Wolff), pale in comparison to their real-life counterparts. But if you can’t get enough of the “Tiger King” story have at ‘er.

Alex Mallari Jr. and Rong Fu in “Hello (Again).” PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy of CBC Gem

Hello (Again) and Homeschooled (March 25, CBC Gem)

The beauty of web series is that, for creators, they offer a more accessible way of getting content in front of eyeballs and, for viewers, they don’t involve a massive time commitment. Of course, “Hello (Again)” comes with a built-in guarantee of interest given that it was co-created by a man who is currently one of the most famous Canadians in the world: Simu Liu, a.k.a. Marvel superhero Shang-Chi. “Hello (Again)” comes from an idea he hatched when he was still on “Kim’s Convenience,” developed with Nathalie Younglai, a writer on “Coroner.” Over nine 10-minute episodes, line cook Jayden (Alex Mallari Jr.) begins and ends a romance with medical resident Avery (Rong Fu) but gets to try to set things right — repeatedly — after an encounter with a child no one else can hear or see. The series offers good-natured humour, quintessential Toronto scenes and a charismatic leading man. “Homeschooled,” created by Karen Knox and Gwenlyn Cumyn, offers delightfully quirky characters, led by home-schooled best friends Greta (Veronika Slowikowska) and Farzanah (Eman Ayaz) as they extol their own “rare creativity and scholastic genius” while reviling the “trads,” i.e. kids who go to regular school.

Odds and Ends

One of the most anticipated debuts of the week is the very long awaited third and final season of Donald Glover’s “Atlanta” (March 24, 10 p.m., FX), which sees Earn (Glover), Van (Zazie Beetz) and Darius (LaKeith Stanfield) accompanying Paper Boi (Brian Tyree Henry) on his tour of Europe. But first, the season opens with an episode about a Black boy (Christopher Farrar) and two white foster mothers that very effectively demonstrates the downsides of white saviourism.

I wasn’t able to get an advance look at it, but “Canada’s Got Talent” is coming to Citytv (March 22, 8 p.m.) and appears to be a chip off the “America’s Got Talent” block, which Canadian viewers gobble up, unlike the version that aired in 2012. “AGT” vet Howie Mandel is one of the judges for the homegrown spinoff along with Lilly Singh, Kardinal Offishall and Trish Stratus. Country singer Lindsay Ell is host.

Crave has French-language crime drama “Une Affaire Criminelle” (“A Criminal Affair”) (March 23) as well as the movie “Moonshot” (March 24), about a couple of college students who head to Mars.

Disney Plus has sci-fi series “Parallels” (March 23),  about four teenage friends who are sent into separate timelines by a mysterious event.

Clayton’s Bachelor season ends with shock and righteous rage

March 16, 2022 /
“Bachelor” host Jesse Palmer with Rachel Recchia and Clayton Echard.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ ABC

Let’s tell it like it is Bachelor Nation: we are in an abusive relationship with the Bachelor franchise.

On Tuesday night — which really was the most dramatic Bachelor finale ever — we got emotionally pummelled watching Clayton, and the show, completely disrespect his final two.

Then, after the catharsis of seeing Gabby and Rachel call out Clayton’s bullshit, we had to watch him get the happy ending he didn’t deserve.

And then ABC pulled out the equivalent of a makeup gift and made both Gabby and Rachel the new Bachelorette.

You want to talk about a journey? That was a seriously messed up roller-coaster ride. It was insidious and infuriating, and we all know we’ll be right back in front of our TVs come the new “Bachelorette” season.

We began the night in Iceland, where Clayton had decided that Susie Evans was the woman for him after all, making an absolute mockery of his claim to love Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia too.

And it wasn’t just Gabby and Rachel who were disrespected. When Susie was summoned by host Jesse Palmer to meet with Clayton, she had to do it at his parents’ rented Airbnb. Like, Clayton didn’t have a hotel suite they could use?

Luckily, Susie and Clayton had their conversation outside. Also luckily, she didn’t mince words telling Clayton how he made her feel when he angrily and coldly dismissed her after she objected to him having sex with Rachel and Gabby, and telling both of them he loved them.

“It was humiliating if I’m being honest,” Susie said. “I felt like a stray dog that had come into your home and you were shooing me out.”

Clayton was so sorry, he didn’t mean what he said, he was just scared of losing her, it was out of character, blah, blah, blah. He asked Susie for another chance and she told him she had to think about it.

So let’s take stock. Just days after breaking up with Susie and essentially begging both Gabby and Rachel to stay — in Gabby’s case, against her better judgment — Clayton was about to break up with them because he now knew his heart was with Susie.

Are we seriously supposed to believe that his heart wasn’t with Susie in the days leading up to fantasy suites? How was Clayton just coming to this realization now?

All season he’d been acting like a kid in a candy store, except instead of sweets he was gorging on women. Were fantasy suites about getting his fill before he had to pick just one?

Rachel and Gabby react to Clayton telling them his heart belongs to Susie.

To add insult to injury, Clayton broke up with Rachel and Gabby simultaneously, which surely wasn’t all his idea.

Yep, he walked into their hotel suite, told them he meant it when he said he loved them both and saw a future with them both, except “I realized it’s not feasibly possible for me to be in love with three women like I said I was.”

So in other words, he didn’t mean it.

Gabby grasped that right away.

“You asked me to stay because you were pissed and your pride was hurt because Susie left,” Gabby told him.

When Clayton protested that he did love Gabby, she snapped, “That is bullshit.”

She also scorched him for breaking up with her and Rachel together, saying, “You don’t give a fuck about us.”

When Clayton said he was sorry and asked to walk her out, she made a face like she’d just smelled something awful and said contemptuously, “No.” You could see the studio audience applauding and Grandpa John nodding in the inset at the bottom of the screen and it was glorious.

And then, in another demonstration of how much disrespect producers had for these women, Rachel’s exit was left hanging as the show cut to L.A. and Gabby was brought onstage.

There was a beautiful moment when Grandpa John got up to hug her, with tears in his eyes, and then she sat down to answer Jesse’s ridiculously obvious questions.

Gabby tells it to Clayton like it is on the live part of the finale.

When Clayton came out, Gabby did a marvellous job of cutting through his nonsense — “I’m incredibly sorry,” “I had love for you all,” etc. — by pointing out he was the opposite of transparent when he didn’t fess up to having told Susie he loved her the most, which would have been a deal breaker for Gabby.

“When you say you love someone you’re assuming responsibility to protect them, to care for them and to not hurt them, and you didn’t do any of those things,” she said as the audience applauded.

Like I said, glorious.

Back to Rachel in the Reykjavik hotel room. She was crying so hard that tears were literally dripping off her face, but the shoe dropped for her too. After Clayton, conspicuously dry-eyed, handed her into the SUV with the same stock line about being so sorry, she said, “I was in love, but he was never in love with me.”

Rachel cried again in the studio watching the footage, but she assured Jesse it wasn’t because she had any lingering feelings for Clayton. She had been blindsided and robbed of a chance to stand up for herself, she said.

She sure put that to rights when Clayton came onstage.

Rachel did not take one bit of crap from Clayton, not even a little bit.

“I became collateral damage in your journey for love,” Rachel told Clayton. “That was the most completely selfish journey.” Bang on, again.

Clayton sounded like he was reading off cue cards when he gave her a variation of the “I’m incredibly sorry” speech.

“I just don’t believe you,” Rachel retorted to applause.

Like Gabby, she blasted him for leaving out the part about loving Susie the most in his double declaration of love for Rachel and Gabby, asking him point blank, “Did you tell me you were in love with me because you wanted to sleep with me?”

Clayton said no, but you can draw your own conclusion.

And what of Susie, still in Iceland in our timeline?

After Jesse hand-delivered a syrupy letter from Clayton — “Without you I am nothing and with you I have everything” — Susie put on her glad rags and met Clayton in some house in the countryside as rain spit and wind whipped.

He showed her the diamond ring that was burning a hole in his pocket and vowed to prove his love to her if she gave him one more chance. And Susie said no thank you, basically telling him he was more into her than she was into him, and she was leaving Iceland alone and it was over, like over over.

Look, I don’t hate Clayton and I don’t get off on seeing people in pain, but it would have been a slap in the face if Susie had said yes. A man who can’t tell the difference between love, like, lust and lies — or worse, was following a script set out by reality TV producers — doesn’t deserve to get engaged.

So it was a shock and kind of a bummer to learn that Susie had gone back to him.

Susie and Clayton reunited and no, it doesn’t feel that good.

Clayton was blathering on to Jesse about how everything he did was because he was following his heart and he had become a better person because he learned so much. Maybe he even meant it, but I never got the sense he truly understood just what he put those women through.

But Susie said she loved him, and she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions, even though I think her boyfriend is a tool.

Mercifully there was no surprise engagement, even though Jesse kept drawing attention to Neil Lane being in the audience, but Clayton did give Susie his final rose. And yeah, OK, fine. But if you’re expecting happy tears over that, you’re SOL.

I did, however, have happy tears over the Bachelorette announcement.

The most beautiful thing to come out of the shit show that was Part 1 of the finale was seeing the bond between Rachel and Gabby. So yeah, even though I have no idea how it’s going to work, I am totally cool with them sharing the next “Bachelorette” season.

Unfortunately, we don’t know what the franchise is going to throw at them, i.e. what kind of dorks it’s going to cast in the name of drama. But Rachel and Gabby have proven they’re capable of cutting through the BS, so fingers crossed they’ll be OK.

This has been a horrible season. Clayton was the worst Bachelor ever, no contest, and ABC had no business casting him. Was his lack of insight and self-awareness part of his charm for the producers? Or did it really come down to casting him because some grade school kids liked him?

It’s Door No. 1, I’m sure, but it’s basically a moot point because our collective outrage has only fuelled interest in the show.

Clayton, by clownishly claiming to love three women at the same time — so basically doing exactly what the format plays at — has made it blindingly clear just how ridiculous the format is. But I have no expectation that will lead to any substantial change. Unlike Clayton, the franchise hasn’t even said it’s sorry.

Oh, and one more kick in the pants: we learned that Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams are out as hosts of “The Bachelorette” and Jesse is coming back.

But yes, more fool us, we’ll watch anyway.

That’s it for me, recap-wise, until “The Bachelorette” starts on July 11. But I’ll still be posting my weekly Watchable lists. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Rachel and Gabby let Clayton off the hook and they’ll regret it

March 15, 2022 /
Host Jesse Palmer with “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” alumni Michelle Young, Nick Viall and Clare Crawley on Part 1 of the live “Bachelor” finale. PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Clayton Echard might not get engaged — to be honest, I hope he doesn’t — Susie, Rachel and Gabby might all feel like chumps but hey, “The Bachelor” was the No. 1 trending topic worldwide Monday night, so at least ABC and Warner Bros. are getting their happy ending.

It’s pretty gross when you think about it. People were dying in Ukraine at the same time that millions of us were tuned into the equivalent of emotional torture porn on a reality show.

I’m not being holier than thou. I was watching and tweeting right along with everyone else, and now I’m writing about it.

This whole hideous season is coming down to a hideous two-part finale —the second half of “the most shocking finale in ‘Bachelor’ history” goes down tonight — and my guess would be that, if anything, it’s just emboldened the people who put the show together.

We hated that they chose Clayton as Bachelor; we hated “the Shanae Show”; we hated the way Clayton talked to Susie last week, but all of that just fuelled the show’s clout, so is it any surprise that Jesse sounded positively gleeful when he teased “the rose ceremony from hell” as the episode started?

And it was hellish.

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia before Clayton dropped his bomb.

For some unfathomable reason, Clayton decided that after his relationship with Susie blew up — since she couldn’t accept the fact he had sex with both Rachel and Gabby, and had also told both that he loved them — he might as well be “1,000 per cent transparent” with the two who were still standing.

When Rachel and Gabby showed up for the rose ceremony, in the dramatic Harpa concert hall in Reykjavik, Iceland, Clayton said the words that have been teased all season long: “I am in love with both of you and I also was intimate with both of you.”

Stunned, Rachel and Gabby walked off in different directions. Rachel sat on some steps and sobbed, her anguish echoing through the hall, wiping her eyes so much she wiped the makeup right off her face. “I’ve never felt pain like this before,” she said.

Gabby had a cry too, and came back with questions for Clayton and also some observations, and they were really good ones.

Like, for instance, exploring relationships fully “is not definitively loving.”

Also, after Clayton told her he meant everything he said to her, “but how do you, like, back that up?”

“Because ultimately, like, whoever I pick I love the most,” Clayton said.

It’s a good thing Gabby hadn’t heard Clayton tell Susie that he loved her the most or her head would have exploded.

“I don’t think you just tell multiple women you love them thinking there would be no consequences,” Gabby said in her voice-over. Exactly! “For him saying the woman I walk out with is the woman I love the most, like wrong fucking answer.

“I don’t want to be loved the most, I just want to be loved for who I am.”

Speaking of love, I don’t think I have loved Gabby more than I did at that moment.

Rachel was also struggling to understand how Clayton could love three people at once but, given how head over heels she was for him, it wasn’t a surprise when, as the rose ceremony got back on track, she accepted the first flower from him without recrimination.

Rachel expresses her shock as Clayton walks Gabby out behind her.

But Gabby said no and I was so pleased for her. It’s too bad she didn’t just hightail it out of there. But she let Clayton talk to her and he somehow talked her into staying.

I have to pause here to defer to former Bachelor Nick Viall (yeah, I know), who was hauled onstage along with former Bachelorettes Michelle Young and Clare Crawley to comment on the spectacle unfolding. Nick said Clayton was “a guy focused on finding love for himself and not focused on finding love with someone else.” Also, “he never took the time to consider the position of power he’s in as the Bachelor.” Spot on Nick, spot on.

Back at the Harpa, Rachel was still trying to digest that fact that she would end up with Clayton by default rather than by design when Clayton and Gabby came back.

Gabby and Rachel share a moment of support.

And this is the moment that I will cling to as I watch the rest of this train wreck: Gabby walked up to Rachel, told her “I’m sorry to make you wait,” and they hugged, and Rachel asked Gabby if she was OK and rubbed her shoulder.

Clayton does not deserve either of these women, which made it hard to watch as each of them met his family. Clayton’s family seems perfectly nice, but it was tough to see Gabby and Rachel get strung along a little bit farther.

Furthermore, his dad Brian and mom Kelly were as unimpressed with him telling three women he loved them as everyone else.

“I don’t know how you could be in love with three people,” said Kelly.

“You have to understand, they don’t want to be second or third, they want to be first. They have a right to be upset with you,” said Brian.

“You have screwed the pooch, in my opinion.”

Kelly added that Gabby, who they were about to meet, seemed like a consolation prize. “I don’t know if the love of your life has gone.”

Hold that thought.

These are the faces of parents whose son has just told them he loves three women.

Things went as well as can be expected when the man who’s just ripped your heart out and stomped on it a little takes you to meet his family.

Alas, Gabby told Kelly she still trusted in her relationship with Clayton. “I’ve never met anyone as genuine and open-hearted as him.”

I guess we can agree on the open-hearted part, all things considered; too open-hearted.

Rachel, meanwhile, told Kelly straight up that Clayton was perfect for her. And she told Brian she’d never been in love “the way I am with him.”

So Mama and Papa Echard were all in on whichever one Clayton chose as their new daughter-in-law. And then came the twist that practically had Jesse peeing his pants as he introduced the next segment.

CLAYTON COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT SUSIE!

“I’ve just realized my heart, where it’s at,” Clayton told his folks. “Not to disregard what I have with Rachel and what I have with Gabby. It’s so special what I have with those women. It just was a little bit more special with Susie.”

THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU KEEP YOUR LIPS ZIPPED WITH GABBY AND RACHEL AND KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?

Brian and Kelly did their best to convince Clayton the Susie ship had sailed, but along came Jesse to helpfully tell Clayton that Susie was still in Iceland. Because of course she was.

Host Jesse Palmer drops in on Clayton, his folks and his brothers.

And to add insult to injury, back in the studio, Jesse brought Rodney Mathews onstage, alongside Kaitlyn Bristowe and Cassie Randolph, the man who should have been Bachelor. Rodney is very much Team Clayton, but he did say that Clayton was “living in the moment a little too much.” Ya think?

I don’t believe “Bachelor” producers have yet figured out a way to infiltrate cast members’ brains and control their feelings, although it would not at all surprise me to hear they’d been using subliminal messaging to imprint the idea of falling in love with three women on Clayton.

Whether they knew or merely hoped he was going to want to reconcile with Susie, keeping her in Iceland instead of letting her go home was all part of the nefarious plan.

Since Jesse keeps saying he doesn’t know what happens, it seems likely Clayton and Susie aren’t going to kiss, make up and get engaged — maybe they agree to keep dating a la Cassie and Colton Underwood (and we all know how that turned out). It does seem clear that Rachel and Gabby are going to be discarded, which puts the lie to Clayton’s protestations of love for them.

Part 2 of this mess airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Watchable March 14-20, 2022

March 14, 2022 /

SHOW OF THE WEEK: Sanditon (March 20, 9 p.m., PBS)

Rosie Graham as Alison Heywood, Rose Williams as Charlotte Heywood and Crystal Clarke as Georgiana Lambe in “Sanditon” Season 2. PHOTO CREDIT: Joss Barratt/Red Planet

It’s a good time to be a fan of period drama. “The Gilded Age” is still releasing weekly episodes. “Outlander” just came back. “Bridgerton” debuts its second season next week and, this week, we have the second season of “Sanditon.”

(If you’d like to read more on the current period drama renaissance, here’s the feature I wrote about it for the Toronto Star.)

I confess I was slow to appreciate “Sanditon.” As a devoted Jane Austen fan, I was put off by the idea of a show taking liberties with her last, unfinished novel. Turns out I was as wrongheaded as Mr. Darcy underestimating the charms of Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

Set in a beautiful seaside location, “Sanditon” had it all: drama, comedy, tragedy, rich people, villainous people, kind-hearted people, ridiculous people and, of course, romance. Make that thwarted romance since the season ended with smouldering hero Sidney Parker (Theo James) having to give up heroine Charlotte Heywood (Rose Williams) to marry a rich former flame and save brother Tom Parker (Kris Marshall) from ruin.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you already know that James chose not to return to “Sanditon.” That means Sidney isn’t returning either. I don’t want to spoil things by telling you exactly how the show addresses his exit in Season 2. Let’s just say there is absolutely no chance of Sidney ever coming back, that this is made clear in the opening minutes of the new season and that the manner of his exit will be a plot thread thoughout.

The good news is that Charlotte herself is back in Sanditon, along with the other characters you remember and a few new ones to keep the drama humming along.

Tom Parker’s resort has been rebuilt after the Season 1 fire and spendthrift Tom appears to have turned over a new leaf when it comes to financial responsibility.

Heiress Georgiana Lambe (Crystal Clarke) is still rejecting all efforts to get her married off, organizing a sugar boycott to protest slavery, and secretly mourning the paramour whose gambling debts got her kidnapped and sold to a brute in Season 1.

Esther (Charlotte Spencer), now Lady Babington, has returned to spend the summer with her aunt Lady Denham (Anne Reid) and, though happily married to the absent Lord Babington (Mark Stanley was unable to rejoin the cast this season), is deeply unhappy about her inability to have a child.

Another absent actor is Alexandra Roach, who played the hypochondriac Diana Parker. This is good news because it means her brother Arthur (Turlough Convery) gets to play a much bigger and less ridiculous role.

If you’re worried about the romance this season, don’t be. Charlotte, though still mourning Sidney and leaning toward spinsterhood, has two new suitors: Colonel Lennox (Tom Weston-Jones), leader of the regiment of redcoats who have taken up residence in town; and Alexander Colbourne (Ben Lloyd-Hughes), the stand-offish rich man for whom she works, having taken a job as governess to his troubled daughter and niece.

There’s also a potential romantic interest for Georgiana: artist Charles Lockhart (Alexander Vlahos), a bohemian sort with no interest in society’s boundaries. And Charlotte has brought her sister Alison (Rosie Graham) to Sanditon, who’s smitten with redcoat Captain Carter (Maxim Ays), although we can all see that Captain Fraser (Frank Blake) is the better man for her.

It’s a lot and I haven’t even touched on the return of villains Edward Denham (Jack Fox) and Clara Brereton (Lily Sacofsky), or the enmity between Colonel Lennox and Alexander Colbourne, one of whom may turn out to be a villain.

While it’s been said that period dramas provide an escape to a simpler time, I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Certainly there’s nothing simple about the gender restrictions that Charlotte, Alison and Georgiana have to navigate, something of which Austen would have been all too aware, nor the emotional pain of Esther’s infertility, something any modern want-to-be mother could relate to. The series even touches on gender identity through the character of Leonora Colbourne (Flora Mitchell), a young girl who’s more comfortable dressing as a boy and playing pirate.

But, obviously, the characters’ imperfect humanity is what makes “Sanditon” such a treat to watch.

Short Takes

Evan Rachel Wood with a fellow survivor in “Phoenix Rising.” PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy of HBO

Phoenix Rising (March 15, 9 p.m., HBO/Crave)

If you pay attention to the news, you’re no doubt already familiar with actor Evan Rachel Wood’s accusations of torture, rape and abuse against musician Marilyn Manson. But this two-part documentary makes those allegations feel visceral in a way that merely reading about them cannot. It follows Wood in 2019 as she and other activists campaign for the Phoenix Act, which changed the statute of limitations on domestic violence crimes in California from three to five years (the activists had asked for 10), and culminates on Feb. 1, 2020, the day Wood named Manson as her abuser. Bolstered by video, photos, Wood’s journal entries and the testimony of other survivors, the doc traces the trajectory of the actor’s terrorization from grooming and love-bombing (Wood was just 18 when she met the 37-year-old Manson) to isolation from family and friends, physical and sexual assault, death threats, starvation, sleep deprivation and complete psychological subjugation. But her abuser is not the only one implicated. The doc, directed by Amy Berg (“Deliver Us From Evil,” “The Case Against Adnan Syed”), touches on Wood’s dysfunctional upbringing, during which she was taught that romantic love was sometimes expressed through violence; her sexualization by the media after the teenage-girls-behaving-badly movie “Thirteen”; and a culture in which the abusive acts of famous men are enabled and excused. Wood would have been within her rights to keep her pain and fear to herself; she seems to genuinely want to help other victims by speaking out. It must be noted that Manson denies all allegations of abuse, has not been charged with any crimes and has sued Wood for defamation of character.

Evil by Design: Surviving Nygard (March 17, 9 p.m., CBC and CBC Gem)

The idea of a rich, powerful man having young women and girls procured for his sexual gratification no doubt sounds very familiar to anyone who followed the Jeffrey Epstein case, but this three-part docuseries is about a case that’s much closer to home, that of former Finnish-Canadian fashion mogul Peter Nygard. He is currently in jail in Toronto awaiting trial on six counts of sexual assault and three counts of forcible confinement, although he denies all allegations. He also faces nine counts in New York City. The doc gives voice to victims, former employees, whistleblowers and journalists who covered the case, going as far back as 1996 when the Winnipeg Free Press published a front-page story alleging sexual harassment by Nygard. The question that comes up in the first episode, the only one I was given access to, is why this was allowed to go on for so long, considering there were allegations dating back to the 1970s. Power and money are at least two of the answers. “Evil” may seem like a strong word, but it also seems an apt one when you consider the decades of trauma described by the victims.

CBC Gem also has the docuseries “Real Blackity Talk” (March 18), in which Burundian-Canadian sisters Aiza and Kamana Ntibarikure try to empower other Black women and non-binary people with the help of “Blaxperts” and a lot of positive talk.

Jake Johnson as Doug and Ophelia Lovibond as Joyce in “Minx.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Katrina Marcinowski/ HBO Max

Minx (March 17, 10 p.m., Crave)

Sometimes you just want the TV you watch to be fun, perhaps even a little naughty. “Minx” fits that description. It’s the story of a fictional erotic magazine for women founded in the 1970s in the San Fernando Valley. Think a faux Playgirl, except instead of being created by a man, “Minx” is the pet project of Joyce (Ophelia Lovibond, “Feel Good”), a devoted young feminist who dreams of winning a Pulitzer and being feted by her heroine, Gloria Steinem. But when publishers run the other way from her opus, humourlessly titled “The Matriarchy Awakens,” Joyce throws in her lot with porn publisher Doug (Jake Johnson, “New Girl”), who convinces her she needs to “hide the medicine” of her feminist dogma in some peanut butter — and by peanut butter, he means penises. As Joyce tells the holier than thou councilwoman who’s trying to shut Doug’s entire operation down, “It’s just penises. It’s silly and fun” and the same could be said of “Minx.” Sure, the show touches on serious topics like feminism, misogyny and women taking charge of their own sexuality, but the medicine goes down smoothly and entertainingly. Lovibond and Johnson make earnest Joyce and laidback Doug likeable and multi-dimensional, and the supporting cast is terrific too, including Lennon Parham as Joyce’s open-minded housewife sister Shelly, Jessica Lowe as bimbo with a brain Bambi, Oscar Montoya as photographer Richie, Taylor Zakhar Perez as centrefold Shane and Idara Victor as Doug’s right-hand woman Tina.

Crave also has the graphic novel adaptation “DMZ” (March 17, Crave), executive-produced by Ava DuVernay, which unfortunately I was not able to get to. It stars Rosario Dawson as a medic searching for her son in a future Manhattan, a dangerous demilitarized zone in an America engulfed in civil war.

Also, if you didn’t catch the Oscar-nominated “Dune” by Canadian director Denis Villeneuve in the theatre, it makes its Crave debut on March 18.

Olly Rix as Matthew Aylward and Helen George as Nurse Trixie Franklin in “Call the Midwife.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy of Nealstreet Productioons

Call the Midwife (March 20, 8 p.m., PBS)

If you haven’t already been following this sentimental drama about midwives in a poor London neighbourhood in the 1950s and ’60s, then this post isn’t for you. If you have, you’ll be relieved to know that Season 11 follows the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” principle, by which I mean it has the usual mix of gentle humour, beloved characters and medical situations that are sure to cause at least one bout of tears before each episode is through. The season opens at Easter 1967. The dramas range from the inconsequential — in the season premiere, ceiling rot at Nonnatus House drives Nurse Corrigan (Megan Cusack) into Trixie’s room (Helen George) — to the deadly serious: the remains of two newborn babies are found in the building that landlord Matthew (Olly Rix) is having renovated. As always, whether it’s making us laugh or cry, the series’ deep humanity shines through.

PBS also has the thriller “Before We Die” (March 20, 10 p.m.), starring Lesley Sharp (“Scott & Bailey”) as a police detective for whom a murder investigation is particularly personal.

Odds and Ends

It’s often said that people on different sides of an issue don’t know how to talk to each other. Conversation between political opponents is the raison d’être of “Political Blind Date,” which launches its fifth and final season on TVO March 15 at 9 p.m. (also on tvo.org and YouTube). This season, it’s not just politicians batting around issues. For instance, Conservative MPP Monte McNaughton and UNIFOR president Jerry Dias discuss the future of unionism in one episode. Other topics include anti-Black racism, the treatment of military veterans, how Canadian history marginalizes Indigenous people, homelessness and the opioid crisis.

If I’d had a chance to preview anything coming to Netflix this week, “Bad Vegan: Fame. Fraud. Fugitives” (March 16) would have been it. It tells the strange but true story of former vegan restaurateur Sarma Melngailis and her downfall after she married a man who claimed he could make her dog immortal. Also on Netflix, the animated “Big Mouth” spinoff “Human Resources” (March 18) and the reality series “Is It Cake?” (March 18), in which cake artists try to fool celebrity judges with baked goods that look like everyday objects.

Apple TV Plus has a show featuring not one, but two Oscar winners, “WeCrashed” (March 18). Jared Leto and Anne Hathaway portray former WeWork CEO Adam Neumann and his wife Rebekah. It’s the latest in a string of TV series about dodgy entrepreneurs, including “The Dropout” and “Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber.” To be honest, I was underwhelmed by what I saw, but since I only watched three of the nine episodes, I didn’t feel I could give it a full and fair review.

Disney Plus has the new series “Life & Beth” (March 18), which stars Amy Schumer (who also created the show, wrote and directed) as a seemingly successful woman who has to come to terms with her past after she gets earth-shattering news.

Global TV has the new reality show “Beyond the Edge” (March 16, 9 p.m., also on StackTV), in which celebrities like former “Bachelor” Colton Underwood, “American Idol” runner-up Lauren Alaina, Real Housewife of New York Eboni K. Williams and former supermodel Paulina Porizkova spend two weeks in the Panamanian jungle to raise money for charity.

CTV and CTV.ca have the concert special “An Audience With Adele,” filmed at London’s Palladium, on March 20 at 9 p.m.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Clayton bonks his way to a breakup on ‘The Bachelor’

March 9, 2022 /
Final three Susie Evans, Rachel Recchia and Gabby Windey ponder their fates on “The Bachelor.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

Monday’s fantasy suites episode of “The Bachelor” was like waiting for the train wreck that you knew was coming and, when it happened, it was worse than you thought it was going to be.

Not only did Clayton Echard tell his final three he was in love or falling in love with each of them, he also tried to have sex with all three of them. And when Susie foiled his plan by refusing to take Rachel’s and Gabby’s sloppy seconds (and thirds) Clayton turned into an entitled jerk right before our eyes.

As the episode ended, Susie was gone and distress was in store for Rachel and Gabby. We’ve known since before the season even started that Clayton was going to confess to having sex with both of them and, judging from the promos, their reactions to that are exactly what you’d imagine them to be.

Of course, we can’t pretend all the blame for Monday’s mess lies with Clayton.

It’s just too much of a coincidence that the one woman for whom Clayton having sex with someone else would be a deal breaker ended up getting the last of the three fantasy suite dates. I mean, I doubt producers stood over the beds urging Clayton and Rachel and Gabby to fornicate, but it was clearly what they hoped would happen.

Having the women stay together in the same suite, watching each other come back from spending the night with the same guy — particularly after Gabby said she was sorry “in advance” — was another nice bit of psychological manipulation.

And was it all Clayton’s idea to spread the L-word around so indiscriminately? Who knows?

The episode started with Clayton flying to Iceland, saying in his voice-over that he was falling in love with all of the women and might already be in love with Susie.

Obviously, a Bachelor claiming to be falling for multiple women is nothing new. It’s part of the Faustian bargain the leads make: they pretend to be racked with indecision about who to choose until the morning of the proposal.

But telling more than one woman you love them? Ask Ben Higgins and Arie Luyendyk Jr. how well that turned out.

I’ve always figured it was just play-acting, that the Bachelors knew weeks in advance whom they wanted to end up with. And if that was the case you would assume they wouldn’t go sampling the wares, so to speak, of the other two finalists.

So did Clayton really not know? Or is he just a horny guy who figured he’d never again get a free pass to sleep with multiple women?

Rachel and Clayton 400 feet beneath the surface of an inactive volcano.

His first date — a descent into an inactive volcano — was with Rachel. To be honest, I would have figured that for lust rather than love, given how incapable they’ve been of keeping their hands and lips off each other. But Clayton told Rachel he was falling in love with her at dinner. Then, after their night in the boom boom room, er, fantasy suite, he yelled “I love you too, Rachel!” as she bid him farewell from the balcony.

One down.

Gabby and Clayton spent the night in a yurt.

Next up was Gabby and they took a dune-buggy ride on a beach. Before checking into a yurt with floor-to-ceiling windows — let’s hope there were curtains to pull before they got busy — Clayton told Gabby he was falling in love with her and repeated it the next morning.

Two down.

Susie had been freaking out pretty much the whole episode, obsessing about what Clayton might be doing while alone with Rachel and Gabby. The producers even juxtaposed audio of her saying she was “spiralling emotionally” with video of her walking down a spiral staircase, because they just couldn’t help themselves.

“If I find out he’s falling in love with other women or he had become physically intimate with another woman, that would be devastating,” she said.

Clayton and Susie at the spa before the wheels came off.

So we had a pretty good idea of what was coming, even though the early part of the date, at the Sky Lagoon spa, went really well.

Clayton said his love for Susie was “on another level” and, at dinner, he told her how he felt.

Susie said she adored him in return, but she had “expectations I’m not willing to let go of.”

“Do you feel that same way with somebody else or have you, like, slept with another woman?” If so, “I think it would be impossible to move forward toward an engagement.”

The answer to both her questions was yes, but Clayton told Susie he was “the most in love” with her, which didn’t help.

He wanted them to go to the fantasy suite to talk things through. Susie said she was confused and walked away from the table.

By the time she came back to talk some more, Clayton Jekyll had turned into Mr. Hyde.

Susie said she felt awful and like she’d fucked everything up. Clayton just shook his head and told her she had “invalidated everything that we had.” If she really cared about him, she would try to work through it. And if sex with other women was a deal breaker, she should have told him that before fantasy suites, he said.

“I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore,” Clayton told her coldly. “You just dropped a bombshell on me. I don’t agree with it at all how you went about this. I think it’s BS. And we’re done.”

Clayton shows Susie the door, literally.

Susie kept trying to apologize as he walked her to the waiting SUV. In fact, he walked ahead of her, held the door as if she couldn’t get in the car fast enough, and told her he was going to find somebody who “will fight for me as much as I fight for them. You’re not that person.”

Like wow. There’s a lot to unpack there, as the saying goes.

I understand that sex is implied in the idea of fantasy suites (although plenty of Bachelors and Bachelorettes claim they just talked in theirs) and, with that in mind, ideally Susie would have shared her feelings about Clayton having multiple partners earlier.

But it wasn’t out of line for her to believe that if Clayton really wanted to be with her he wouldn’t mess around with someone else. She was well within her rights to set boundaries for herself that she would not cross. And Clayton acted like an asshole when he shifted all the blame for the relationship imploding onto her.

I suspect he’s going to find out next week that Rachel and Gabby don’t want to fight for him either.

In which case, what the hell have we wasted nine weeks of our lives for?

You can watch next week’s two-part finale Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

The Shanae Show gets a sequel on ‘Bachelor: The Women Tell All’

March 8, 2022 /
A rare moment on “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” when the women weren’t yelling at each other. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

Did you think you were going to get some catharsis on the “Women Tell All” episode of “The Bachelor”? Not a chance.

A shit show of a season produced a a shit show of a “Tell All” that was at times a free-for-all of women yelling at each other. And by the end of it I was more annoyed with this ridiculous franchise, not less.

A large chunk of the first 45 minutes (minus commercials) was occupied by talk from or about uber-villain Shanae or, as Sierra called her, “a narcissistic, gaslighting beotch.”

Shanae in her “red flag” dress in the hot seat.

Make that a beotch who got to defend herself in the hot seat, complete with softball questions from host Jesse Palmer, clearly out of his depth.

This shouldn’t be a surprise. But it’s a travesty that the nastiest thing that Shanae did — suggesting Elizabeth was faking her ADHD and mocking her for the condition — was left out of Shanae’s clips reel. Nor was Elizabeth given equal time to defend herself.

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end because Shanae stuck to the same playbook she employed the rest of the season: attack, lie and make herself out to be the victim.

She even added a new lie, accusing Genevieve of having sex with “Bachelorette” and “Paradise” alumni Aaron Clancy after she got eliminated. (Genevieve says she didn’t and, even if she had, who cares?)

A real host would have called Shanae on her nonsense. Jesse? Hell, he actually thanked her, along with Genevieve, who joined her in the hot seat, for being “open and honest” with him.

My guess is Mike Fleiss and his minions are already preparing Shanae’s “Bachelor in Paradise” contract. You think they give a crap that people are tweeting and begging them not to bring her to Paradise? That’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

And speaking of red flags, that word came out of Shanae’s mouth in relation to other contestants; also her favourite, “fake”; pretty much everything but “sorry,” as in sorry for lying and generally acting like, well, what everybody kept calling her: a bitch.

But Shanae got as good as she gave, though.

Genevieve bringing some unintentional levity to the Shanae fray.

Besides repeatedly being called a bitch, she was called “one of the most disgusting human beings I’ve ever met in my life” by Hunter. When she stood up to walk onstage, the women snarked that her ass looked terrible. “Are you wearing a diaper?” called out Genevieve.

“From the bottom of my heart, fuck you, Shanae,” Lyndsey told her. “You can go rot in Ohio for all I care.”

I know all of us watching were supposed to find this thrilling. I mean, how exciting, a bunch of women yelling nasty things at each other and Jesse sitting there like a deer caught in headlights, barely able to rein them in. Ha, ha, what fun!

But it’s just more sleight of hand by the producers to distract us from the real issue: that this franchise is in thrall to drama, that its masterminds would rather give us episode after episode of women behaving badly than focus on what the show’s supposed to be about.

And even the supposedly nice women get brainwashed into upholding the franchise’s sexist standards.

The other contestant who got yelled at on “Women Tell All” was Cassidy, for having a boy toy back home and not forswearing him to devote herself heart and soul to Clayton. Cassidy said the sex was good and “I wasn’t gonna cut it off unless I was engaged.” And why should she?

And if Genevieve had decided to sleep with Aaron after running into him at a bar, why not if they were both into it?

Teddi would make a fine pick for Bachelorette.

The closest the episode got to a healthy conversation about sex and commitment was when Teddi was in the hot seat. Obviously her virginity was up for discussion, because that’s another thing this franchise has a puerile fascination with.

If she had made it to fantasy suites, Clayton might have been her first, she said.

“Society puts a lot of pressure on women that it changes who they are if they lose their virginity. I don’t feel that,” Teddi said.

“I think it’s OK if someone wants to wait until marriage. I think it’s OK if someone wants to have sex every weekend.”

Teddi and Serene were both breaths of fresh air in the hot seat: utterly uninterested in throwing anyone under the bus. Either one would make a great pick for the next Bachelorette.

Bachelor Clayton and host Jesse bracing for the next onslaught from the women.

And then there was Clayton Echard himself who, confusingly, said he wished he had done things differently but also that he had no regrets because “I had all the best intentions with all my actions I took.”

Sierra called him on that right away.

“I don’t know, Clayton,” she said.

“Why neglect all of the words you’re hearing from all of these wonderful women? We’re all telling you that Shanae is toxic and she’s hurting the entire house. Then she does this one fake apology.

“You chose to believe her over all of us. Like why? It doesn’t make sense?”

Neither did Clayton’s answer.

He claimed he hadn’t yet “built trust” with the women who complained about Shanae. When that didn’t fly, he admitted to having a connection with Shanae. And then he called her stunt of throwing away a group date trophy “indefensible” except, as Jill pointed out, he still kept Shanae around after that.

It all makes perfect sense, of course, if he was following producers’ instructions and keeping her long enough for the two-on-one date in Toronto, but it’s not like he would ever confess to that.

I could go on and talk about Sarah (Clayton said he absolutely did not cry on any of his dates with her, contradicting what she told Jesse earlier), or the fact that he apologized to Serene for holding back his emotions with her (it was the absolute least he could do), or that Dr. Kira hit on him, saying she’d been more and more attracted to Clayton with every episode she watched (were we watching the same show?), but I can’t be bothered. If you’re interested you can find the episode on demand and see all that for yourself.

The hollow feeling I’ve had all season was still there Monday night by the time they cued up the promo, the one that’s supposed to get us pumped for tonight’s fantasy suites episode and next week’s finale.

“The most dramatic finale in Bachelor history,” Jesse said. “How does it end? I was there and I still have no idea.”

The armadillo had the good sense to run away.

Maybe it will be the most dramatic ever, but it’s hard to care at this point. Let’s just get it over with and then we can all scuttle away like the armadillo we saw in the end credits.

You can watch tonight at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Watchable March 7-13, 2022

March 7, 2022 /

SHOW OF THE WEEK: Turning Red (March 11, Disney Plus)

Mei (Rosalie Chiang) reveals her red panda alter ego to friends Abby (Hyein Park), Miriam (Ava Morse) and Priya (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan) in “Turning Red.” PHOTO CREDIT: Disney/Pixar

If you have been an adolescent girl or known an adolescent girl, “Turning Red” will ring true in its playful but affectionate portrayal of its heroine, 13-year-old Meilin (Rosalie Chiang), as she teeters on the edge of teenagehood.

Heck, if you’re a human being with feelings, it will ring true.

Much has been made of the fact that Chinese-Canadian director and co-writer Domee Shi is the first woman to direct a feature film for Pixar (she was also the first to direct a short for the company, the Oscar-winning “Bao”), but that would be a moot point if “Turning Red” wasn’t any good.

It is very good: funny, charming, tender, emotionally resonant and beautifully animated.

Mei lives in Toronto in the early 2000s with her Chinese immigrant parents Ming (Sandra Oh) and Jin (Orion Lee), who run a family temple dedicated to their ancestor Sun Yee.

Mei is a proud nerd, a straight A student who loves math, aces the flute and just about anything else she puts her mind to, but is also awkward and goofy. She’s devoted to being a good daughter to her parents while also being a good friend to her girl posse, including Miriam (Ava Morse), who’s white; Priya (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan), who’s Indo-Canadian, and Abby (Hyein Park), who’s Korean-Canadian.

But that can be complicated, particularly when you have an overprotective tiger mom of a mother who doesn’t approve of your friends — or much of anything else that happens outside home or school.

Things go off the rails when Ming finds Mei’s sketches of a boy — Devon, the 17-year-old clerk at the Daisy Mart — and insists on driving to the store, with a humiliated Mei in tow, to confront the oblivious teenager.

The next day, Mei’s torment has turned her into a giant red panda. As a panicked Mei hides in the bathroom, Ming misinterprets her embarrassment as Mei having got her period. That leads to a scene that will have you laughing and cringing at the same time, as Ming stalks Mei at school and then whips out a box of sanitary pads in full view of her classmates and teacher.

Poof! Mei has turned into a red panda again in a cloud of pink smoke, which happens whenever Mei experiences strong emotions.

It turns out there is a family precedent for the transformation and Ming has a solution, a ritual that will banish the panda for good, but Mei learns that other people like the panda and that she herself enjoys that aspect of her identity. That sets up further confrontation with her mother, not to mention her grandmother (Wai Ching Ho) and aunties.

I won’t spoil things by telling you how it ends, but there is an epic confrontation in the final act that involves a concert by Mei’s favourite boy band, 4*Town, at the SkyDome and might put you in mind of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in “Ghostbusters.”

You might also recognize the name SkyDome, the retractable roofed stadium that opened in Toronto in 1989 and is now called the Rogers Centre.

It’s been a point of pride for Torontonians that “Turning Red” is recognizably set in this city, from background glimpses of the CN Tower to the Toronto Transit Commission streetcars that rumble along its cartoon roads (also extremely recognizable). Beyond that, though, the specificity of the setting adds to the film, in much the same way the New York setting did in Pixar’s “Soul.”

The animation in general is bright and appealing and sometimes wonderfully detailed. When Mei’s dad Jin cooks for the family, it feels like you could reach out and taste the food.

The animation style for the characters is what’s described in the production notes as “chunky cute,” but it’s no less expressive. Mei’s emotions are written all over her animated face.

And emotions, of course, are the whole point: the gloriously messy emotions of transitioning from childhood into young adulthood, but also the complicated emotions of the mother-daughter relationship and being a child of immigrants; the sentimental emotions of adolescent female friendship; the emotions of being part of the sisterhood of women in general.

Most importantly, perhaps, “Turning Red” will elicit emotions in you as you watch it.

Disney Plus also has the comedy “How I Met Your Father” (March 9), a sequel to “How I Met Your Mother.”

Short Takes

Renée Zellweger as Pam Hupp in “The Thing About Pam.” PHOTO CREDIT: Skip Bolen/NBC

The Thing About Pam (March 8, 10 p.m., Global TV)

I haven’t watched enough of this NBC series to give it a full review. Let’s just say, after screening one episode, it’s an odd one, like a “Dateline” episode crossed with “Desperate Housewives.” In fact, the six-episode “The Thing About Pam” is based on a “Dateline NBC” podcast of the same name about the 2011 murder of Betsy Faria of Troy, Missouri. And “Dateline” narrator Keith Morrison does the tongue-in-cheek narration here. In real life, Betsy’s husband Russ was convicted of stabbing her to death but later exonerated. Her best friend Pam Hupp has been charged with the crime, but I wouldn’t say that’s a spoiler for the fictional series. Renée Zellweger plays Pam, buried under a fat suit, and she couldn’t be a more obvious villain if she was twirling a moustache. She radiates loathsomeness from behind her blond housewife bob and her Midwestern accent. The show also stars Katy Mixon as Betsy, Glenn Fleshler as Russ, Judy Greer as prosecutor Leah Askey and Josh Duhamel as Joel Schwartz, the defence lawyer who battled police and prosecution ineptitude to get his client off the hook and point the finger at Pam.

Global TV also has the 42nd season of “Survivor” premiering March 9 at 8 p.m.

An undated image of Andy Warhol from “The Andy Warhol Diaries.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Andy Warhol Foundation/Netflix

The Andy Warhol Diaries (March 9, Netflix)

Thirty-five years after he died, our curiosity about celebrated pop artist Andy Warhol still seems boundless, as evidenced by the popularity of exhibits of his work (the AGO’s last year sold out) and documentaries like this one. This Ryan Murphy-produced, Andrew Rossi-directed series touches on the parts of Warhol that are generally known — his rise from commercial illustrator to one of the most famous artists in America, the bohemian milieu of the Factory, his shooting by Valerie Solanas — and the parts that aren’t, including his romantic relationships with Jed Johnson and Jon Gould. Though we tend to think of glamour and celebrity when we think of Warhol, the series paints a more down-to-earth portrait, both through recollections from confidantes and admirers, and words from Warhol’s own diaries, read in an AI-generated approximation of Warhol’s voice. Though that sounds gimmicky, it doesn’t detract from the flow of the series, at least in the episode I watched.

Netflix also has “Life After Death With Tyler Henry” (March 11), in which the celebrity medium purports to bring messages from the other side to people less famous than the Kardashians and RuPaul; and “Byron Baes” (March 9), which gives good-looking young influencers living in Byron Bay, Australia, a somewhat classier version of the “Jersey Shore” treatment.

Dominique Fishback and Samuel L. Jackson in “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Apple TV Plus

The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey (March 11, Apple TV Plus)

Would you accept a treatment that would give you access to every memory you ever had, in hyper detail, but would worsen your dementia when the effects wore off? Nonagenarian Ptolemy Grey (Samuel L. Jackson) does in this miniseries based on the Walter Mosley novel. Grey is a hermit and a hoarder when we meet him, living in a filthy, cockroach-infested apartment without a working toilet and stove, and only the visits of his great nephew Reggie (Omar Benson Miller) to sustain him. When Reggie is killed, orphaned family friend Robyn (Dominique Fishback) steps up, as much because she has no place else to go as out of altruism. But a deep bond grows between the two of them. She’s unhappy about the treatments that Ptolemy accepts from unctuous Dr. Rubin (Walton Goggins), who’s hoping to cure dementia with the help of guinea pigs like Ptolemy, but the old man needs his memory back for three things: to find the treasure that family friend Coydog (Damon Gupton) left him and that Coydog was lynched for; to solve the murder of Reggie; and to do something good for Black people. Other characters come in and out, in flashbacks and present day — Ptolemy’s beloved late wife Sensia (Cynthia Kaye McWilliams), his indifferent niece Niecie (Marsha Stephanie Blake) and her thuggish son Hilly, and love interests for Robyn and Ptolemy — but the relationship between the old man and the teenager, who essentially save each other, is the most affecting. The six episodes can plod at times and I didn’t love the ending, but Jackson’s and Fishback’s sympathetic performances kept me watching.

Apple TV Plus also has a second season of “The Snoopy Show” (March 11), from Canada’s WildBrain and inspired by the Charles Schulz comics, focusing on Charlie Brown’s beagle and his bird friend Woodstock.

Odds and Ends

The women of “Letterkenny” take part in an anti-beauty pageant. PHOTO CREDIT: Bell Media

Well, OK, it’s not like “Letterkenny” is going to change its brand of comedy to pay tribute to International Women’s Day. Nonetheless, this special episode (March 8, Crave) name-checks Canadian women both real and fictional, in between jokes about periods, vaginas, sex and more. The women of “Letterkenny” participate in an anti-beauty pageant while the men get a lesson in female appreciation from Professor Tricia (guest star Nazneen Contractor).

If you’d like to see Kristen Stewart’s Oscar-nominated turn as Princess Diana in the movie “Spencer,” it drops on Prime Video on March 10. Prime also has Season 2 of the afterlife comedy “Upload” (March 11), starring Canadian Robbie Amell.

Acorn has the new series “The Chelsea Detective” (March 7), starring Adrian Scarborough, who’s been in everything from “Gosford Park” to “Killing Eve,” as Detective Inspector Max Arnold and Sonita Henry (“Krypton”) as his partner Priya Shamsie.

There’s definite overlap between the nominees for the Oscars and the British Academy Film Awards — right down to the snubs for Canadian director Denis Villeneuve (“Dune”). If you’d like to know how the Brit awards play out, you can watch them on BritBox on March 13 at 3 p.m., streaming live from the U.K.

Finally, CBC’s offerings include a third season of the tween series “Detention Adventure” (March 11 on CBC Gem) and, on “The Nature of Things” (March 11, 9 p.m., CBC and Gem), a look at how various critters get shut-eye in “How the Wild Things Sleep.”

This post was edited to add a start time for the British Academy Film Awards.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Clayton’s hometowns are a walk in the park on The Bachelor

March 1, 2022 /
From left, GabbyWindey, Serene Russell, Rachel Recchia and Susie Evans await the verdict
on the hometowns episode of “The Bachelor,” PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Clayton Echard was threatened with the prospect of several fearsome creatures on the hometowns episode of “The Bachelor,” including alligators and bears, but only one turned up — Rachel’s dad — and he wasn’t that scary.

Well, him and the giant, hairy spider that crashed Rachel’s date. I might have nightmares about that thing.

The scariest part of Monday’s episode was that Clayton now has a final three and is about to tell all of them that he loves them.

I suppose this is the stage of the season where we’re supposed to get warm fuzzies as we see Clayton drawing closer to the woman he’s going to end up with. But how are we supposed to figure that out given that he spent the season kissing everybody and his date dialogue sounded like it came out of a “Bachelor” manual?

I couldn’t even tell who was going home Monday.

My best guess going into the episode was Gabby. Susie and Serene had both had double one-on-one dates and Clayton was too hot for Rachel to give her up, but nope, it was Serene who got the brush-off.

If I was emotionally invested in the season, I might be upset about that. But it was like, meh, good for you for not getting chosen. If you don’t get picked for “Bachelorette,” see you on “Bachelor in Paradise.”

Not even Serene cried about Serene getting sent home.

But let’s focus on the positives.

In general, the four hometown women had pretty awesome families. And they kicked Clayton’s butt on their dates. No “let’s tour my high school” or “let’s walk around the twee downtown” dates. Things got physical. Serene’s date actually scared the hell out of him, which is fair play considering what was to come.

Susie gets ready to kick Clayton’s butt at jujitsu, but first he has to learn how to tie his “gi.”

Susie was up first in Poquoson, Virginia, and she took Clayton for jujitsu lessons. Heck, she even got to choke him with her legs.

One of the moves he learned was called “shrimping.” “We just can’t get away from shrimp,” said Clayton, harking back to Shanae and Shrimpgate. “Yeah, I’ve had shrimp follow me this entire journey.”

And whose fault is that?

But I digress, back to Susie’s date. It was especially important to her that Clayton meet her dad Tom. She told Clayton on their first one-on-one about her father being seriously ill the year before and now she told him how much it had scared her that her dad might not be around to walk her down the aisle.

But Tom assured Susie he was getting better every day and they had an emotional father-daughter talk. She told him he was the “golden standard of what I expect in a partner.”

To Clayton, Tom was gracious, telling him how special Susie was and “If Susie loves you we’ll love you.” It’s nice to know she’s in good hands if Clayton dumps her, especially since Clayton told her mom Jean he didn’t yet love Susie, although “I will get there.”

Next up was Gabby in Denver, Colorado.

She and Clayton went hiking and he had fun showing her how he’d scare off a bear if they encountered one, although I wouldn’t recommend picking the bear up and kissing it.

Conveniently, they hiked to a spot with a sign that said “Proposal Rock” and I don’t for one minute believe that’s a real thing. It was as much of a prop as the hot tub that Gabby and Clayton climbed into for bubbly and smooching.

When it came time for the main event, Gabby was fretting about her father not being there. Since his girlfriend had been diagnosed with cancer and we’re still in the midst of a pandemic, her dad couldn’t come. But Grandpa John was there and he belongs in the Hometown Hall of Fame.

Grandpa John, possibly the sweetest family member ever, with granddaughter Gabby.

Let me list the reasons why Bachelor Nation has fallen in love with him. He laughed his ass off when Clayton told the fam about Gabby’s Night 1 joke about wanting to sit on Clayton’s face, on a pillow. He called Gabby Gabriela and said she was a “lovable dingbat.” He told Clayton, “So far, I like what I see. Of course it’s early, so I may change my mind about you.” He told Gabby that marriage is for life and if hers and Clayton’s wasn’t, “I’ll be really pissed. I’ll come back and haunt you.” He still wears his wedding ring even though his wife died. “I’m proud of having been married to the same woman that long, so that’s why I’m wearing it,” he said.

Look, I really like Serene, but being able to see Grandpa John again might tip the balance for Gabby in the next Bachelorette sweepstakes.

The pandemic enables “The Bachelor” to have its “Love Actually” moment.

Just when you thought Gabby’s family couldn’t be more adorable, her dad drove up and, “Love Actually”-style, held up signs telling Gabby she was “the most beautiful, intelligent, loving and caring daughter,” and if you weren’t crying before you sure as hell were now.

Seeing her dad emboldened Gabby to tell Clayton she was falling in love with him. “I’m so happy now,” Clayton said.

Next stop was Serene in Oklahoma City and she wasn’t messing. She made Clayton climb 80 feet up the Riversport Adventures Sky Trail structure and cross rope bridges before plunging to the ground, all harnessed of course.

Clayton hangs on for dear life as he crosses one of the Riversport Adventures rope bridges.

Clayton was terrified, particularly of one of the rope bridges that had octagonal discs spaced about a foot apart. It was entertaining when, after he barely made it across, groaning with fear, Serene basically skipped across it, laughing most of the way.

Serene hadn’t taken anyone home to meet her family for about 10 years, mostly because her parents divorced when she was 2 and she didn’t know what a marriage looked like, she told Clayton.

Once they got to her mom’s place, her big brother Roland was looking out for her and, let me tell you, Roland has good instincts. He was also good-looking as hell, which kicked off a Twitter campaign to make him the next Bachelor.

Serene’s brother Roland had Bachelor Nation feeling wistful.

The most attractive thing about Roland was his common sense. He asked Clayton if he loved Serene and got the same answer about Clayton not being there yet. Then Roland, tears in his eyes, told Serene how scared he was seeing her so into Clayton. “I’m not saying I don’t trust your judgement, I do, but be careful. Make sure you’re thinking everything through.”

The problem with these hometown scenarios, just like every season, is there’s no way for these women to protect themselves.

The stupid formula dictates that the Bachelor meet four families and dangle the possibility of marrying their daughters. It’s like a lottery, albeit with better odds, since three of the four are guaranteed to get hurt. And it’s a shame to see all these nice, open-hearted families taken along for the ride.

Serene was so stoked after the family visit, her brother’s warning notwithstanding, that she told Clayton she was in love with him.

Oh well, I hope she broke that stupid jar full of “firefly” lights after he dumped her.

Last, but clearly not least, was Rachel’s hometown visit in Clermont, Florida. She took Clayton kayaking in a clear-bottom boat in a spot called King’s Landing, which made me think of “Game of Thrones.”

There were no dragons, though, nor were there any alligators despite the producers’ attempts to make us think Rachel and Clayton were in danger by splicing in footage of a ‘gator that was obviously nowhere near their kayak.

They passed a hideous-looking spider that Clayton said “could have taken out Godzilla,” but the biggest danger they were in was from chapped lips since, as usual, they couldn’t stop smooching.

Clayton and Rachel after seeing a particularly menacing spider.

Conveniently, they passed a “Kissing Tree” — more props to the producers for their sign-making skills — and took full advantage. I’m pretty sure if there were any alligators around they wouldn’t have been lying in the water snogging.

Rachel was stressed about taking Clayton to meet her dad Tony, whose facial expressions when they walked in the house alternated between a scowl and a scowl.

Tony, upholding his tough guy reputation, said he had offered to beat up Rachel’s last boyfriend. But when it came right down to it, he was just a dad trying to do right by his daughter.

Tony wanted to know what Clayton would do if Rachel’s dream of being a pilot took her to Europe. Clayton said he’d happily move there.

Clayton was candid about the fact somebody was going to get hurt — three somebodies in fact — but said he had no intention of hurting Rachel.

“I know I see a future with her. I’ve dreamt of getting down on one knee proposing to her,” Clayton said.

The tough guy veneer evaporated when Tony was with Rachel. “If he’s what you want I’m all for it,” he told Rachel, tearing up and telling her he loved her and was proud of her.

When Clayton and Rachel left, Tony shook his hand and tapped him on the arm, the prearranged signal that Clayton had his blessing.

Rachel told Clayton she was falling even harder for him, but the dastardly producers tried to make us think he was going to get rid of her by overlaying the footage of them saying goodbye with Clayton droning on about how he had to “break three hearts to make one happy.”

We already know whose heart took the hit and, yes, I am a little perplexed. I did think Clayton was into Serene.

Serene must have been perplexed too. When she sat down with Clayton for her exit interview, as it were, he couldn’t give her a reason.

He had told host Jesse Palmer he was falling in love with all four women “in a different capacity,” but there was none of that said to Serene. Clayton was so unemotional about the whole thing it was hard to believe he had felt much of anything for her.

He said simply that he “had to look back and reflect, and say where do I stand with my heart. And I just have stronger connections.”

Next week is a twofer: first up, the fantasy suites episode, in which Clayton tells Rachel, Susie and Gabby he’s in love with them, and then “Women Tell All,” which naturally will be dominated by Shanae, just like the first half of the season.

You can watch next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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