Clayton’s hometowns are a walk in the park on The Bachelor

Clayton Echard was threatened with the prospect of several fearsome creatures on the hometowns episode of “The Bachelor,” including alligators and bears, but only one turned up — Rachel’s dad — and he wasn’t that scary.

Well, him and the giant, hairy spider that crashed Rachel’s date. I might have nightmares about that thing.

The scariest part of Monday’s episode was that Clayton now has a final three and is about to tell all of them that he loves them.

I suppose this is the stage of the season where we’re supposed to get warm fuzzies as we see Clayton drawing closer to the woman he’s going to end up with. But how are we supposed to figure that out given that he spent the season kissing everybody and his date dialogue sounded like it came out of a “Bachelor” manual?

I couldn’t even tell who was going home Monday.

My best guess going into the episode was Gabby. Susie and Serene had both had double one-on-one dates and Clayton was too hot for Rachel to give her up, but nope, it was Serene who got the brush-off.

If I was emotionally invested in the season, I might be upset about that. But it was like, meh, good for you for not getting chosen. If you don’t get picked for “Bachelorette,” see you on “Bachelor in Paradise.”

Not even Serene cried about Serene getting sent home.

But let’s focus on the positives.

In general, the four hometown women had pretty awesome families. And they kicked Clayton’s butt on their dates. No “let’s tour my high school” or “let’s walk around the twee downtown” dates. Things got physical. Serene’s date actually scared the hell out of him, which is fair play considering what was to come.

Susie was up first in Poquoson, Virginia, and she took Clayton for jujitsu lessons. Heck, she even got to choke him with her legs.

One of the moves he learned was called “shrimping.” “We just can’t get away from shrimp,” said Clayton, harking back to Shanae and Shrimpgate. “Yeah, I’ve had shrimp follow me this entire journey.”

And whose fault is that?

But I digress, back to Susie’s date. It was especially important to her that Clayton meet her dad Tom. She told Clayton on their first one-on-one about her father being seriously ill the year before and now she told him how much it had scared her that her dad might not be around to walk her down the aisle.

But Tom assured Susie he was getting better every day and they had an emotional father-daughter talk. She told him he was the “golden standard of what I expect in a partner.”

To Clayton, Tom was gracious, telling him how special Susie was and “If Susie loves you we’ll love you.” It’s nice to know she’s in good hands if Clayton dumps her, especially since Clayton told her mom Jean he didn’t yet love Susie, although “I will get there.”

Next up was Gabby in Denver, Colorado.

She and Clayton went hiking and he had fun showing her how he’d scare off a bear if they encountered one, although I wouldn’t recommend picking the bear up and kissing it.

Conveniently, they hiked to a spot with a sign that said “Proposal Rock” and I don’t for one minute believe that’s a real thing. It was as much of a prop as the hot tub that Gabby and Clayton climbed into for bubbly and smooching.

When it came time for the main event, Gabby was fretting about her father not being there. Since his girlfriend had been diagnosed with cancer and we’re still in the midst of a pandemic, her dad couldn’t come. But Grandpa John was there and he belongs in the Hometown Hall of Fame.

Let me list the reasons why Bachelor Nation has fallen in love with him. He laughed his ass off when Clayton told the fam about Gabby’s Night 1 joke about wanting to sit on Clayton’s face, on a pillow. He called Gabby Gabriela and said she was a “lovable dingbat.” He told Clayton, “So far, I like what I see. Of course it’s early, so I may change my mind about you.” He told Gabby that marriage is for life and if hers and Clayton’s wasn’t, “I’ll be really pissed. I’ll come back and haunt you.” He still wears his wedding ring even though his wife died. “I’m proud of having been married to the same woman that long, so that’s why I’m wearing it,” he said.

Look, I really like Serene, but being able to see Grandpa John again might tip the balance for Gabby in the next Bachelorette sweepstakes.

Just when you thought Gabby’s family couldn’t be more adorable, her dad drove up and, “Love Actually”-style, held up signs telling Gabby she was “the most beautiful, intelligent, loving and caring daughter,” and if you weren’t crying before you sure as hell were now.

Seeing her dad emboldened Gabby to tell Clayton she was falling in love with him. “I’m so happy now,” Clayton said.

Next stop was Serene in Oklahoma City and she wasn’t messing. She made Clayton climb 80 feet up the Riversport Adventures Sky Trail structure and cross rope bridges before plunging to the ground, all harnessed of course.

Clayton was terrified, particularly of one of the rope bridges that had octagonal discs spaced about a foot apart. It was entertaining when, after he barely made it across, groaning with fear, Serene basically skipped across it, laughing most of the way.

Serene hadn’t taken anyone home to meet her family for about 10 years, mostly because her parents divorced when she was 2 and she didn’t know what a marriage looked like, she told Clayton.

Once they got to her mom’s place, her big brother Roland was looking out for her and, let me tell you, Roland has good instincts. He was also good-looking as hell, which kicked off a Twitter campaign to make him the next Bachelor.

The most attractive thing about Roland was his common sense. He asked Clayton if he loved Serene and got the same answer about Clayton not being there yet. Then Roland, tears in his eyes, told Serene how scared he was seeing her so into Clayton. “I’m not saying I don’t trust your judgement, I do, but be careful. Make sure you’re thinking everything through.”

The problem with these hometown scenarios, just like every season, is there’s no way for these women to protect themselves.

The stupid formula dictates that the Bachelor meet four families and dangle the possibility of marrying their daughters. It’s like a lottery, albeit with better odds, since three of the four are guaranteed to get hurt. And it’s a shame to see all these nice, open-hearted families taken along for the ride.

Serene was so stoked after the family visit, her brother’s warning notwithstanding, that she told Clayton she was in love with him.

Oh well, I hope she broke that stupid jar full of “firefly” lights after he dumped her.

Last, but clearly not least, was Rachel’s hometown visit in Clermont, Florida. She took Clayton kayaking in a clear-bottom boat in a spot called King’s Landing, which made me think of “Game of Thrones.”

There were no dragons, though, nor were there any alligators despite the producers’ attempts to make us think Rachel and Clayton were in danger by splicing in footage of a ‘gator that was obviously nowhere near their kayak.

They passed a hideous-looking spider that Clayton said “could have taken out Godzilla,” but the biggest danger they were in was from chapped lips since, as usual, they couldn’t stop smooching.

Conveniently, they passed a “Kissing Tree” — more props to the producers for their sign-making skills — and took full advantage. I’m pretty sure if there were any alligators around they wouldn’t have been lying in the water snogging.

Rachel was stressed about taking Clayton to meet her dad Tony, whose facial expressions when they walked in the house alternated between a scowl and a scowl.

Tony, upholding his tough guy reputation, said he had offered to beat up Rachel’s last boyfriend. But when it came right down to it, he was just a dad trying to do right by his daughter.

Tony wanted to know what Clayton would do if Rachel’s dream of being a pilot took her to Europe. Clayton said he’d happily move there.

Clayton was candid about the fact somebody was going to get hurt — three somebodies in fact — but said he had no intention of hurting Rachel.

“I know I see a future with her. I’ve dreamt of getting down on one knee proposing to her,” Clayton said.

The tough guy veneer evaporated when Tony was with Rachel. “If he’s what you want I’m all for it,” he told Rachel, tearing up and telling her he loved her and was proud of her.

When Clayton and Rachel left, Tony shook his hand and tapped him on the arm, the prearranged signal that Clayton had his blessing.

Rachel told Clayton she was falling even harder for him, but the dastardly producers tried to make us think he was going to get rid of her by overlaying the footage of them saying goodbye with Clayton droning on about how he had to “break three hearts to make one happy.”

We already know whose heart took the hit and, yes, I am a little perplexed. I did think Clayton was into Serene.

Serene must have been perplexed too. When she sat down with Clayton for her exit interview, as it were, he couldn’t give her a reason.

He had told host Jesse Palmer he was falling in love with all four women “in a different capacity,” but there was none of that said to Serene. Clayton was so unemotional about the whole thing it was hard to believe he had felt much of anything for her.

He said simply that he “had to look back and reflect, and say where do I stand with my heart. And I just have stronger connections.”

Next week is a twofer: first up, the fantasy suites episode, in which Clayton tells Rachel, Susie and Gabby he’s in love with them, and then “Women Tell All,” which naturally will be dominated by Shanae, just like the first half of the season.

You can watch next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo