Month: May 2023

The “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” cast ahead of Tuesday’s rose ceremony. Three of the women were gone by episode’s end. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

Welcome to “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” Spin the Bottle edition.

I jest, of course. The bottles are either behind the bar with Kevin Wendt or set up on tables during dates for prime product placement. And nobody on the beach was actually playing a teenage kissing game. But there were some serious wandering lips on Monday’s episode.

Take Joey Kirchner, for instance, returning conquering Canadian hero.

It seems he was more hot for the red Ferrari on last week’s date than for fan Shaz Gafoor, even though he kissed her and not the car. “My rose is going to the Ferrari,” Joey joked.

And yes, Joey smooched Shaz again before the rose ceremony, but next thing you know he was on a beach bed with Celine who, after being disappointed by Cole, was vibing wth Joey’s “Alberta charm.”

Celine Paquette and Joey Kirchner get acquainted on Tuesday.

“Joey’s looking like Tim McGraw up in here,” she said. Well, sure, Tim’s still got the abs, I guess.

It wasn’t long before Joey and Celine were using their lips for something besides talking.

Joey ended up giving his rose to Celine and cutting Shaz loose — she wasn’t mad about it — since Shaz was “the horse whisperer,” but Celine was “the horse you’re riding.”

Except Joey was back in the saddle the next day with — wait for it! — Maria.

Somewhere, Vay Paquette — the woman who coupled up with Joey and got insanely jealous of his “friend” Maria last season — is yelling, “I told you so!”

Joey had already admitted during the “Paradise bonfire” that he’d had past dalliances with both Maria and Nithisha. So that’s what Nithisha meant by going out with friends “and stuff.” Hell, the Bachelor Nation hookups at Stagecoach have nothing on this gang.

Maria herself described her connection to Joey as “a really complicated relationship.” But at least she was willing to kiss him — her first kiss in Paradise, no less — which is more than she was willing to do with either Quartney or Connor initially.

Speaking of those two rivals for Lisa Mancini’s affections, both still seemed to be in play in Tuesday’s episode.

American “Bachelorette” alum Quartney had spotted Lisa kissing better known “Bachelorette” alum Connor Brennan the day after Lisa and Quartney’s supposedly “incredible” date.

Was a pissed off Quartney going to withhold his rose from Lisa Mancini? Nah.

Quartney brought it up at the bonfire — more on that event later — and made his displeasure known to Lisa the next day. He even intimated that he might be “done” with Lisa and his rose was up for grabs.

Well, first off, Lisa is one of the season’s stars so you really think the producers would let her go home in the second episode? Secondly, Quartney’s backup plan was apparently Maria, but that fizzled pretty quickly when Maria dodged his kiss. So back to Plan A then?

As for Connor, he took Lisa for a walk, under Quartney’s watchful eye. But despite Lisa’s admiration for “handsome, charming, quirky, funny” Connor, she refused to make out with him.

Lisa was taken, so Connor Brennan tried his charm on Maria Garcia-Sanchez.

So Connor’s Plan B was . . . yep, Maria. Despite how “easy and fun and effortless” things were with Lisa, he found Maria “wildly attractive.” And she accepted his rose at the rose ceremony despite not smooching him beforehand.

The next day, however, the kissing-adverse Maria laid one on Connor — before pulling away and giggling, which seems to be her MO. “You’re very cute, Connor,” she said: not exactly a ringing endorsement, especially since Maria said in her ITM interview she was still in her head about Joey.

So let’s run down the other triangles and, in Cole’s case, quadrangles.

It wasn’t bad enough that ex-“Survivor” player Cole Medders was already torn between fan contestants Sam and Celine. Ex-“Bachelor” alum Rianna decided to make an 11th hour play for Cole.

I think in the game of football that’s called a Hail Mary, except in Rianna’s case it was more like a “no chance in hell.”

It was too little too late for Rianna Hockaday and Cole Medders.

Not that Cole didn’t like Rianna — he said she was “very much my type of person” — and when they kissed they were “in sync,” according to Rianna. But was that really enough to sway Cole from giving his rose to Sam? Nah.

For one thing, I suspect former “Big Brother Canada” contestant Sam is someone the producers want to keep around, partly for entertainment value, partly because there’s some drama brewing between her and Lisa.

Questioned by special guest Demi Burnett at that bonfire I keep mentioning as to whether anyone in Paradise was giving off “toxic vibes,” Sam chose Lisa, saying she gave “backhanded compliments.”

OK, sure Sam.

So let’s talk about the bonfire and “Hurricane Demi,” whose arrival coincided with a storm in Paradise — or that’s how it was edited.

Some umbrellas and cushions blew around; a Muskoka chair caught fire; Demi’s top blew apart: “My titties are flailing,” she said.

But the “Bachelor in Paradise” alum’s arrival and the bonfire she presided over with host Sharleen Joynt were less hurricane than tempest in a teapot. Let’s move on.

We haven’t really talked about the rose ceremony yet, which came in the middle of the episode. We already know where Joey’s, Quartney’s, Connor’s and Cole’s roses went. Austin’s went to Chelsea Vaughn, no surprise there. Matia’s went to Meagan. And Garrett’s went to Nithisha.

Fans Shaz and Linda Charlie joined Rianna on the boat to nowhere. Sorry ladies. I’m pretty sure, unlike last season’s “Bachelor in Paradise” U.S., nobody’s being brought back to the beach and, even if they were, I’m afraid it wouldn’t be any of you.

With the power of the rose switching to the women, it was time to bring some new men to the resort. And along came “Big Brother Canada” alum Godfrey Mangwiza and U.S. “Bachelorette” alum Edward Naranjo (Michelle’s season), with date cards in hand naturally.

Nithisha Ketheeswaran was feeling it with “Bachelorette” alum Edward Naranjo.

They chose Lisa and Nithisha, respectively, to go on an ASMR date, which stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. Basically the women were in one sound booth, the men in another, and they whispered and made sound effects into microphones shaped like ears that travelled into the headphones of their dates.

Godfrey said ASMR is “on the line between sexy and weird,” which sounds about right. But whereas Godfrey found Lisa’s sound effects “cute,” Edward found sexual chemistry in Nithisha’s.

So no new competition for Quartney then, but Garrett, who knows Edward from Michelle’s season? Well, hmmm, Nithisha was already vibing with Edward over the fact he seemed to like camping and hiking as much as she did. When they sat down for drinks and he whispered, “I would really love to feel your lips” into her ear in Spanish, it was “Garrett who?”

Yes, there was mucho smooching, although Nithisha failed to volunteer that information when she met up with Garrett later. In fact, she said she didn’t feel “a spark” with Edward, that she was thinking of Garrett the whole time and she was almost certain Garrett was the “right one” for her.

Girl, what?

The truth about the smooch was outed when Joey asked Edward at the bar, in front of Garrett, if he had kissed Nithisha. Her response to Garrett when he confronted her: “If you’d asked me I would have said yeah.” Oh dear.

I feel for her, I do.

Nobody should be getting all that possessive at this stage of the game, but Nithisha probably should have ‘fessed up about the kiss to Garrett on her own. But where would be the fun in that for the producers, I guess?

Next week, cute animals! And holy hell, is that Lisa kissing Cole? Also, a new guy named Jake walks in and seems to have the women’s hearts aflutter.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo