Here we are folks, the eighth episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” and since everybody has stopped kissing everybody else with wild abandon (except for Ana, more on her later) our best bet for drama is . . . more Knee-Gate? Really?
Yes, Maria and Tessa were still sniping at each other over the fact Maria touched Joey’s knee on last week’s episode.
To quote Austin on the subject, “I don’t know, dawg.”
How convenient that the first ever “Paradise Roast” happened the day after Tessa and Maria had their set-to. As the cast split into pairs (and one trio) to write their jokes, Tessa and Celine decided to go after their “common enemy,” Maria.
Why was she Celine’s enemy? Um, because Maria supposedly got upset seeing Celine and Matia together, and because she kissed Joey even though she told Celine she wasn’t going to do that in Paradise. First off, thank goodness that happened before Tessa arrived. Secondly, I suspect kissing Joey had a lot to do with guidance from the producers.
Whatever the case, several people made jokes at Maria’s expense, including Sam and Ana, Matia and, of course, Celine and Tessa, who said they’d “both been personally victimized by this season’s most emotional nemesis, Maria.”
I’m sorry, personally victimized? What?
When it was Maria’s turn she told Tessa she was going to make a joke about Joey “and I just wanted to let you know so you don’t think I’m flirting with him.”
Maria’s “joke” for Joey was: “If you’re not allowed to keep your friends in this bubble, what are you gonna do outside of it?”
No, it was not funny and it wasn’t actually a joke, but it raised something I’ve wondered myself: will jealousy get the better of Tessa if she’s in a long-distance relationship with Joey outside Paradise?
A question for another day (and, obviously, one that’s already been answered in the real world since this was all filmed a while ago).
Luckily, Connor and Chelsea took the stage with some jibes that were less mean-spirited and actually funny. Chelsea brought her fellow contestants to their feet with her impression of Garrett in a bathrobe and sunglasses.
Not surprisingly, the judges — bartender Kevin Wendt, host Sharleen Joynt and drag queen Priyanka — voted Chelsea the roast MVP and she won . . . yeah, a “romantic date.” You didn’t think she was going to win cash or something, did you?
Honestly, it’s fine because, now that we’ve gotten past the fake plot line about Chelsea being interested in Josh and Austin in Tessa, Chelsea and Austin are officially the best couple on the beach.
Since this whole exercise is supposedly about people finding love it was good to see them get some alone time to drink Champagne and eat chocolate-covered strawberries and dance to a live performance by Lindsay Ell (yeah, we’re back to the country music, sigh). And Austin asked Chelsea to be his girlfriend, which was adorable.
They also told each other the next day they were falling in love with each other, so yay them.
You know who else professed to be falling in love? Joey and Tessa. By Tessa’s own admission they had only been together “a couple of days,” which makes the whole Knee-Gate thing seem even more ridiculous.
And sure, people can fall in love in days, but colour me skeptical about the long-term prospects for this one, although who knows?
Meanwhile, Joey had a talk with Maria about Knee-Gate and he totally got why she had touched his knee. “You and I have always had such a flirtatious relationship in our friendship that it’s something you would do without even thinking about doing it, which I totally understand.”
He assured Maria that nothing would get in the way of their friendship, and it would be up to him and Tessa to discuss boundaries in his physical contact with other women. Then Joey and Maria shared a hug.
His assessment of the whole mess? The “stupid drama” should have been “left in last night,” he said in his in-the-moment interview.
So it’s probably a good thing he didn’t see what happened between Maria, Tessa and Celine later.
When Tessa said that she didn’t get Maria’s “joke” about Joey, Maria explained that seeing as Joey was an attractive male model and bartender who interacted with lots of women, “if you have issues with someone who’s been a friend of his for seven years” — I see we’ve added a year to the friendship — “touching his knee you’re gonna have a lot of issues.”
Celine jumped in, saying that if Maria was friends with Joey, seeing how close he had gotten to Tessa “would have been an opportunity for you to just give them their space and respect that.”
Tessa and Celine tag-teamed again, telling Maria she had a problem with constructive criticism. Maria, Tessa, said didn’t seem to understand the issue.
Well, the issue from where I sit is that a woman who’s known a guy for years touched his knee and the woman he’s been dating for what — two days, three? — got mad about it and wanted to keep banging on about it, although I realize we’re only seeing the edited versions of these conversations.
Should Maria have put on rags and paraded through Paradise while people threw things at her and yelled “Shame!” like she was Cersei bloody Lannister in “Game of Thrones”? I mean seriously. This whole argument was probably inflamed by producer interference, but it seemed to get out of hand.
Maria left the conversation, saying in her ITM she felt bullied. And Lisa, who seemed to be Maria’s only ally, told Josh to go find Maria and comfort her.
That led to a conversation the next day in which Josh suggested he and Maria both leave Paradise to explore their connection in the outside world. Maria seemed skeptical that would actually happen, though, and given that Josh was living in Vancouver and she was in Toronto I can see her point.
When the rose ceremony came, Maria announced that she had been feeling alienated and uncomfortable and sad, and it was time for her to go.
Josh left too and Joey seemed just as skeptical as Maria that he’d make a go of their relationship, saying, “All right, man, see you next year, Season 3.”
(While we’re on the subject: since Citytv has announced that “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” is taking a hiatus next year, colour me doubtful we’ll ever get a Season 3.)
The only other drama at the rose ceremony involved whether Ana would give her rose to Juan Pablo Osorio or Edward Naranjo. She did seem genuinely torn. She had sexual chemistry with Juan but questioned if an emotional connection would follow, whereas Edward was the comfortable but less passionate choice.
I guessed last week she’d go with the safe option, but I clearly underestimated the appeal of a dancing vagina because Ana chose Juan.
Also, there were a couple of red herrings in last week’s promo to be cleared up. It looked like Meagan was going to get her heart broken, but she and Garrett were still a thing by episode’s end, albeit not quite speaking the same language.
And while Connor did indeed tell Lisa, “If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no,” he and Lisa appeared to be in a good place. Apparently humour is her love language, because she seemed to be more into Connor after seeing him perform at the roast.
At the very least, she agreed she would want to date him after Paradise.
“I’m not trying to fucking marry you right now,” Connor clarified.
So will these two crazy kids make a go of it in the real world? Who knows?
In the short term, with two new women hitting the beach next week, it seems someone else will turn Connor’s head. And the new arrivals cause another rift between Cole and Sam, with Cole sniping, “Every time I look or talk or touch another human being you freak the fuck out.” And it seems Celine is also left in the lurch with Matia departing the beach, which must be a real bummer if they went to the boom boom room as they planned.
You can watch next Sunday at at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
NOTE: I have edited this because I became privy to some new information about Knee-Gate. I’m not going to tell you what or from who, but it seemed fitting to make some adjustments.
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