A ‘Brendan cloud’ hangs over Natasha on Bachelor in Paradise

If it wasn’t for the fact I’m pretty sure that Warner Bros. can’t control the weather, I’d suspect that “Bachelor in Paradise” producers cooked up that tropical storm we saw in next week’s promo just to mess with the cast members.

I mean think about what we saw on Tuesday’s episode.

Lovely Natasha Parker appeared to be on the chopping block after she’d been done dirty by clout chaser Brendan Morais and his girlfriend Pieper James (more on them later). But then, at the rose ceremony (just the third one in seven episodes, by the way), Wells Adams had “Bachelor” bouncer and stage manager Big Paulie bring out a special rose for Natasha.

Sweet, right?

Not so fast. Two new men arrived on the beach the next day. The first was someone Tia had her eye on, even though she was kind of coupled up with James. The second seemed like an answer to Natasha’s prayers except for one small detail: he’s one of Brendan’s best friends.

So if you think that pity rose was about Natasha getting a genuine second shot at love, think again. It’s a reminder that the real puppet masters weren’t Brendan and Pieper; they’re the people on the other side of the camera.

Speaking of Brendan and Pieper, they got a comeuppance of sorts on Tuesday — once Natasha and Demi and Jessenia reminded everyone that they’d done the same thing that Chris and Alana were accused of before they were run out of Paradise, i.e. already being in a relationship before they came on the show.

So “Grocery Store” Joe, who appears to be the sheriff of the beach, took a posse of women and confronted the guilty parties.

Brendan was still doing his “I wasn’t exclusive with Pieper” song and dance, although she was unequivocal that she came to Paradise for Brendan.

Brendan got snippy and walked away from the conversation, complaining about “Joe and his mob of disgruntled females” and “their pathetic attempt to intimidate me,” but it seems to have worked since he and Pieper decided to leave, together.

As Pieper put it, “Obviously I’m excited for the future possibility of making more money, but I would have got there on my own. Like, I have an entire master’s degree in marketing; I can figure out how to get a few more followers.”

And this from Brendan: “I didn’t intentionally want to mislead anyone. I just withheld information.”

Sounds like they’re perfect for each other.

With Brendan and Pieper gone, it was time to get back to the business of worrying who wouldn’t get roses that night, with eight men handing them out and 13 women looking to receive.

But hold that thought because first we had an edible interlude with Maurissa and Riley. In full view of the other contestants, they licked whipped cream off each other’s bodies, including Riley’s big toe.

Wells called that “the grossest thing I’ve ever heard of,” since Riley had likely been walking on sand mixed with dead crab bodies. But he also said, “If you can suck on a toe you can get engaged at the end of this thing.”

The gauntlet has been thrown, people!

Riley and Maurissa even had time for a visit to the boom boom room, which makes you wonder just how long it takes for the rose ceremony to actually begin.

Enough time for Tammy to experience further humiliation, for one thing.

Tammy was hoping she and Thomas could pretend his date with Becca never happened, seeing as how she considered Thomas her “best friend” and someone who would be a great fit for her life.

But Thomas made it clear he had romantic feelings for Becca.

Tammy put up a fight, by which I mean she kept telling Thomas she wanted him in her life and questioning why he didn’t want her in his, but it was for naught.

Thomas gave her the “you did nothing wrong” speech, but she walked away crying, berating herself for having dumped Aaron for Thomas after people warned her not to trust him.

And did I mention it was Tammy’s birthday? “Last year I got COVID on my birthday and this is 10 times worse,” she lamented.

Hyperbolic though that comment may be, she at least devoured a chocolate cupcake in the SUV of Shame. I bet it tasted better than regrets.

Joining Tammy on the outs were Demi, Jessenia and Deandra.

The couples were Riley and Maurissa, Joe and Serena, Ivan and Kendall? — since when? — Noah and Abigail, Kenny and Mari, James and Tia, Thomas and Becca, and Aaron and Chelsea.

Then new guest host Lil Jon appeared, high-fiving everybody and spraying them with champagne.

So next day, fresh start for Natasha, right?

First some dude named Blake Monar showed up, whom nobody remembers from Clare Crawley’s “Bachelorette” season — well, except for Tia, who said “Blake is the one person I wanted to see here.” That’s apparently because of the tattoos all over his arms. Did we even see those tattoos in his brief three episodes on “Bachelorette”?

Blake was also into Tia, whether because he really does like southern women or because the producers told him to take her out, I don’t know, but they went on an off-roading date. And then they smooched in an outdoor shower and Tia said it made her “vagina dance.”

Wonder how the Bible study group will feel about that.

You want to know who wasn’t dancing? James and Natasha back at the beach, seeing as they were surrounded by people making out and reminding them they were alone. Kenny and Mari even went to the boom boom room, probably the same one he went to with Demi, but never mind.

And then a reprieve, for Natasha at least: Dr. Joe Park, the nice New York City anesthesiologist from Clare’s and Tayshia’s season, arrived. Everybody on the beach thought he was perfect for Natasha. We were supposed to think he was perfect for Natasha. They were vibing.

When they went on their date and a bug landed in her big-ass margarita, he traded drinks with her. But then they started talking about why she was still single in Paradise and when Natasha told him it was because of Brendan, Dr. Joe responded, “Brendan? My Brendan?” And you knew they were toast.

Joe started talking vaguely about “what will be will be” and they ended the date, kissless.

“I just feel like there’s a Brendan cloud over me,” Natasha said.

We had just one more piece of business to attend to.

The other Joe, “Grocery Store” Joe, took Serena on a DIY date that involved a blanket, pillows and rose petals. And while they were being adorable together, Serena told Joe she was falling in love with him. “I think I’m falling in love with you too,” Joe responded.

After that they did an awful lot of smooching. No whipped cream, though, which is probably just as well since they were in his ex Kendall’s line of vision.

“I’m pretty heartbroken to see Joe kissing someone else,” Kendall said, claiming she’d come to Paradise to make new memories with other people, which sounds pretty sketchy to me. She blew off Ivan when he tried to kiss her.

We know that Kendall will share her angst with Joe next week; that the L-word will be flying between Kenny and Mari, and Maurissa and Riley. We also know that Ed and Demar from Clare’s and Tayshia’s season turn up, with the former making out with Natasha and the latter taking Maurissa on a date. We know that Ivan will piss off Aaron by kissing Chelsea. We know a “dangerous tropical storm” will mean evacuating the resort.

But the “end of Paradise”? Not on your life.

You can watch at 8 p.m. Tuesday on ABC or online at Citytv.com. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo