It’s been confirmed: there is at least one person who isn’t a member of the production team who wanted Clayton Echard to be the Bachelor.
Luckily for Clayton, it’s the woman who got his first impression rose and also his first kiss on Monday’s season premiere.
Teddi, a surgical unit nurse from California, told Clayton she picked him out as her ideal Bachelor from photos of Michelle Young’s “guys” because, as she told her sister at the time, “I think he’s really cute and he has such a kind smile.”
So Teddi got her wish. The rest of us? Well . . .
If you were hoping we’d learn something in the season opener that would justify why Clayton, 28, was chosen before Michelle’s season had even aired, you likely came away disappointed.
Clayton’s own explanation for why he’s the man is “because I truthfully believe in this process I think more than anybody else” — which is a pretty nifty trick after appearing on one season of “The Bachelorette” in which he was basically wallpaper.
Also, you know, he cried when he got those (possibly fake) letters from Michelle’s students after their one-on-one date. The producers weren’t going to let us forget that.
On Monday we found out that, um, Clayton’s tall, he has dimples, he used to play football, he’s “a Midwest guy who doesn’t really like the spotlight” from Eureka, Missouri. And he really, really wants to get married and have kids, so much so he tried to give his first impression rose to an emotionally unavailable woman who was still traumatized about her ex-fiance.
Like, what the hell was that?
Could the producers really be Machiavellian enough to cast a woman who was engaged to be married a month before filming began, just so she could break up with Clayton before the season had even started, stoking his fear of rejection?
Honestly, I wouldn’t put anything past them at this point.
It turns out Salley from Virginia was supposed to have been getting married the weekend she was in L.A. filming, so she wanted to go home and be with her family instead of, you know, competing with 29 other women for the attention of some dude she’d never met. “Ever since I’ve been here I’ve been an emotional wreck,” she said.
But first she decided to tell Clayton what was going on, and Clayton decided there was chemistry between them and offered her a rose.
After a tearful conversation with somebody back home, Salley rejected the rose, telling Clayton she liked him, but “my heart is just not ready.”
It all felt so manipulative, from the fact Salley was there in the first place to her showing up at Clayton’s room — why the hell would she need to tell him she was leaving if he hadn’t met her yet? — to her getting to keep her cellphone to Clayton’s bright idea to give her a rose.
Salley wasn’t the only woman who rejected Clayton on Night 1.
Claire, a spray tanner from Virginia Beach, started loudly proclaiming that Clayton wasn’t the guy for her after their one-on-one time turned into a “catastrophe,” in her words.
I don’t know what happened. Initially, the football fanatic was “super excited” about spending time with Clayton at the tailgate party the producers had set up for her. Was she mad that Mara interrupted? Was it the fact that Claire beat Clayton at cornhole? Did he not show enough appreciation for the chicken wings with ranch sauce she loves so much she put them in her “bachelorette biography”?
Claire said Clayton was “100 per cent too nice for me.”
“I dont need ‘Hi, I love America and I am a sweetheart,'” she complained.
And then it struck me: Claire is all of us.
After schoolteacher Serene tattled to Clayton that Claire was telling people she hated him, Clayton confronted Claire before walking her out. No, she didn’t hate him, she said, “I feel like we just haven’t, like, clicked.”
Exactly! Bachelor Nation doesn’t hate you, Clayton, but we clicked a lot more with Rodney, Olu, Brandon and even Rick.
When Clayton stepped back into the mansion to explain why he’d ousted Claire, he invited other women to leave too if they weren’t that into him.
“Oh hush, we’re not going anywhere,” said Cassidy, an executive assistant from L.A. who was one of several women Clayton kissed on Night 1.
His first makeout sesh (or at least the first one we saw) was with Teddi, who revealed in her intro package that she’s a virgin. So if she turns out to be one of the two or three women that Clayton confesses to having sex with, hoo boy!
Clayton said, not once but twice, that Teddi made him “feel some type of way” — the type of way that makes you hand over a rose, I guess. Bonus points for the fact that Teddi hadn’t just broken off an engagement.
Clayton also locked lips with doctor Kira, who showed up in lingerie and a lab coat and told Clayton she was going to give him a full body physical; Eliza, a marketing manager who spent her childhood in Berlin and asked Clayton in German if she could kiss him; Cassidy, who made her entrance in a miniature car, which was then run over by pickup truck-driving hell raiser Shanae; and Rachel, a flight instructor whose shtick was to have a 63-year-old retiree named Holly get out of the limo first and then introduce her. (Listen, as a fellow 60-something, let me just say Holly really pulled off that dress.)
And while we’re talking about wacky entrances, human resources specialist Hunter brought a snake; real estate agent Kate invited Clayton to hold one of her “nips,” as in a mini bottle of booze; architectural historian Jill brought an urn that she said contained the “ashes of my ex-boyfriends”; Jane, a self-proclaimed cougar at 33 (!), drove up in a vintage convertible; ICU nurse Gabby brought a pillow with Clayton’s face on it because, you know, she wanted to sit on Clayton’s face; real estate adviser Elizabeth brought a whip, which she used on Clayton’s butt; and Samantha showed up in a bikini and a bubble bath, prompting Rachel to say, “Mom, can you pick me up from the Bachelor mansion? I’m scared.”
With the one notable exception we’ve already discussed, the women seemed to eat up Clayton’s aw shucks, “I’m just a guy from a small town,” I can’t believe I’m the Bachelor demeanour. He even spilled his drink while making his toast to potentially falling in love, etc. etc.
Clayton also had a cheerleader in newbie host (and doppelgänger) Jesse Palmer, although it’s worth noting that while they’re both football players, Jesse is a Canadian, born in my hometown of Toronto. “I got your back buddy. You are not doing this alone,” Jesse told Clayton.
As daylight peeked through the mansion windows, Clayton finally handed out 21 roses and I’m not going to list all the names because we won’t remember most of them.
Tessa, another human resources specialist and one of the women of colour in the group, toasted to “the most supportive and beautiful group of women I’ve met in my whole life,” while Cassidy shouted out “everyone’s support and kindness” and looked forward to “getting to be friends.”
You could almost hear the chuckles of glee from the editing room since the next thing we saw was a montage of crying and/or arguing women, along with Shanae getting in someone’s face, grabbing and throwing away a trophy (it’s not quite a flight jacket in the pool, but beggars can’t be choosers).
Since drama increases in inverse proportion to the boringness of the Bachelor, I will paraphrase the great Bette Davis in “All About Eve”: fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
You can watch the next episode Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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