It’s Riley’s world, Bachelor in Paradise just lives in it

Kaboom boom!

That’s the sound of Connor the Cat’s “relationship” with Maurissa Gunn blowing up on “Bachelor in Paradise.” Meow.

The women were purring from the moment Riley hit the beach in Tuesday night’s episode with his very muscled arms, especially Tahzjuan, who temporarily lost the power of speech. “The man’s arms have their own zip code,” she gushed.

But it was Maurissa whom Riley took on a weird date (more on that later) presided over by new guest host Lance Bass that ended with the pair in the boom boom room. It looks like Connor’s ukulele was no match for Riley’s, um, instrument.

Riley’s wasn’t the only appearance to shake up the beach.

He was preceded by Thomas Jacobs, yes, that Thomas, the one who was run out of Dodge, er, “The Bachelorette,” for committing the sin of admitting he wouldn’t mind being the next Bachelor.

Oh so conveniently, the other guys from his Bachelorette season were talking about Thomas, about his “crazy snake,” “blatantly disrespectful” behaviour, just before he showed up with a date card in hand.

The women didn’t care. It was like blah, blah, blah, Thomas is the devil . . . ooohhh look at his muscles!

Fun fact: Thomas is 6-foot-6. We know this because he told every woman he spoke to and made a big show of how he was afraid he’d smash his face on the palapa they were chatting under because, you know, he’s soooooo tall.

Anyway, when the chats were done he picked Serena Pitt for yet another water sports and making out date. She at least told No-Longer-Owns-a-Grocery-Store Joe she was going, which he said he appreciated, adding, “I hope you have a bad time.”

Bad time? Given how much tonsil hockey Serena played with Thomas it couldn’t have been horrible. But at the end of a very long day, during which Joe did little but mope, nap and threaten to go home, Serena returned to Joe. “I told him he should pursue other people,” she said of Thomas. And also, after some prodding, Joe was the better kisser. They snuggled happily on a beach bed.

Alas, things didn’t end so happily for Connor. He kept insisting he was cool with Maurissa going on a date with Riley. Even when she walked onto the beach in an outfit that channelled J.Lo’s 2000 Oscars dress — you know, the one that was cut down to her navel? — and completely bypassed Connor, he told her to have fun.

I don’t know if fun would be the word I would use for the early part of the date. Riley and Maurissa were greeted by Lance Bass, who uncovered plates full of what Maurissa described as “the most disgusting things I have ever seen in my life.” There were pig snouts, there were chicken feet, there were giant tongues, there was tripe.

The deal was Riley and Maurissa had to answer questions posed by Lance or eat whatever he told them to. (As an aside, between this game and Joe’s buff-like headband I was getting “Survivor” vibes on Tuesday night.)

They wouldn’t fess up to how many people they’d slept with but were fine with saying where on their bodies they’d like to be touched or, in Maurissa’s case, that she masturbates every day.

And speaking of being touched, Lance really should have snuck out when Maurissa and Riley started smooching so hard that I wouldn’t have been surprised if they just swept all the offal off the table and had at it. But they did manage to keep their hands mostly to themselves until after dinner, during which they talked about how they wanted to be married with children and how Maurissa had once weighed well over 200 pounds.

After they left the restaurant and continued to kiss passionately outside, Riley whispered, “I know a place we can go” — which made me wonder: is the boom boom room part of the orientation tour? Or did the producers slip a map under one of Riley’s biceps?

Anyway, images of Riley and Maurissa under the covers were cut with images of sad Connor sitting and singing to himself.

As for the other relationships, once Tahz got over her disappointment at not being chosen by her crush Riley, she reconciled with Tre because they like talking to each other, “Mr. Crab” said yes and “he (Tre, not the crab) is 100 per cent a better kisser than his uncle.” Words to live by.

Alas, Natasha didn’t fare so well with Brendan, who claims to like her but hasn’t made out with her yet, which means he is totally waiting for Pieper to hit the beach, or maybe somebody else. I don’t know, we’re not seeing anything to convince us that Brendan isn’t a player.

Also, the men of Katie’s Bachelorette season took Thomas for a “confrontation” that turned out to be nothing more than a group chat, during which Thomas apologized for “every single wrong that I’ve done,” which included lying and time-stealing and acting like his time was more important than theirs.

Obviously we know that’s not the end of it. We have eyes, we’ve seen the promos of him going toe to toe with Aaron.

Tre even shook Thomas’s hand at the end of the talk but later, after he was tipped off that Thomas had described him as “emotionally not strong” to Serena, Tre called Thomas on his “snake bullshit.”

“This is gonna be the last conversation I intentionally have with you.”

Fair enough.

Next week it seems Demi is finally going to fulfill her contractual obligation to stir up shit by putting the moves on Kenny.

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