Joey Kirchner and Celine Paquette are hell-bent for leather in the first
“Bachelor in Paradise Derby.” PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

I don’t blame you if, after watching Monday’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” you feel as if you were being bounced around on one of the inflatable horses in the Bachelor in Paradise Derby.

To quote the eminently quotable Joey as he prepared to bounce to victory: “Hold on tight, honey, we’re about to go.”

And go the cast did: bouncing back and forth between kissing partners.

Austin and Chelsea seem like the only safe bet on the beach so far, although I would have said that last season about Brendan and Illeana, so I reserve the right to be skeptical.

Let’s start with ex-“Survivor” contestant Cole Medders, one of the hottest commodities on the beach.

He gave Sam his rose last week despite being pursued by both Celine, who’s now with Joey, and Rianna, who’s now gone. So he and Sam are solid now, right? Right?

If by solid you mean they both kissed other people — more than once — this episode, then sure, like a rock.

It started with Cole smooching Lisa and not feeling particularly guilty about it. He ‘fessed up to Sam right away, who lied and said it didn’t bother her. But I’m thinking Sam calling Lisa “toxic” in her in-the-moment interview is a dead giveaway that she was pissed.

(And did I mention Sam and Lisa were roommates at the Christie’s Mill Inn and Spa in Port Severn, Ont.? So awkward?)

Lisa Mancini is “trying to live Paradise as it should be lived,” lips first.

Sam claimed it was about Lisa feeling threatened by Sam and wanting to make her feel like shit. Me, I don’t think it has anything to do with Sam.

“This is my year in Paradise, so I’m living it the way I want to live it, to the fullest,” Lisa said.

You know who didn’t pretend to be OK with Lisa kissing Cole? Quartney.

“I’m disgusted. I do not like a girl who’s making out with multiple dudes. This is not OK,” Quartney huffed in his ITM.

Dude, do you know what you signed up for? I know you were on “Bachelorette” and not “Bachelor in Paradise,” but tell me you’ve at least watched the show.

“You’re making me sound slutty,” Lisa complained to Quartney, who didn’t seem apologetic about that.

“Why can’t you just see something with me? Like, can we not just try this?” Quartney pleaded. “We keep getting distracted because of you.”

Pssst, Quartney, maybe it’s you and your possessiveness that are the issue.

As Connor, Lisa’s other sometime kissing partner, put it the next day, “You don’t own her . . . We’re in Paradise to explore connections with people and part of that is kissing people.”

Yes, and that’s something that Sam seemed to get . . . when it was her kissing someone else.

She perked up considerably when newcomer Jake Ondrus, a 22-year-old personal trainer and holistic nutritionist, asked her on a date. To be fair, she wasn’t the only one eyeballing him. Jake was practically giving “Bachelor” vibes as he sat on a couch surrounded by eager women.

Sam Picco and new arrival Jake Ondrus were digging each other’s energy.

Sam said they went “really deep really fast,” which apparently had something to do with Jake talking about “mind, body, soul connection” and Sam saying she was an “empath” and a “manifester.”

On their date, they manifested sexy time on a Harley Davidson, dressing up in leathers, including hot pants and a bikini top for Sam and, eventually, no shirt for Jake. And as they straddled the bike for a photo shoot, face to face, there was inevitably some kissing, quite a lot of it actually.

So was Sam really thinking about Cole “constantly” on her date, even when she kissed Jake “20 times”? Unknown.

Was Cole thinking about Sam when he kissed Lisa again?

Cole defended himself to Sam by pointing out that she was on a date — a kissing cousin of the infamous “We were on a break” defence from “Friends” perhaps?

He insisted he was excited to build on his relationship with Sam, but I can’t blame Sam for being uncertain where she stands with Cole.

A couple more couples were on the chopping block.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Meagan dumped Matia. No takers? I thought not.

Meagan wanted Matia to be “open” with her. Matia wanted her to be patient with his reluctance to be fully himself, which is presumably someone besides a “cabana douche babe.” Meagan was out of patience. She decided to hang with Garrett instead, who had allegedly soured on Nithisha for kissing Edward and not telling him.

Garrett Aida and Meagan Morris coupled up — for now anyway.

Garrett even got teary-eyed in front of Meagan talking about his parents’ divorce, so openness wasn’t an issue there. And it was Meagan with whom he partnered on a bouncy horse for the Paradise Derby.

Still, their newfound connection didn’t nullify Garrett’s desire to smooch Nithisha, but I guess that’s a triangle for another day.

Matia had to find a new place to park his lips and that turned out to be Maria.

The notoriously kissing-shy Maria found the “fire” she’d been missing with other people after smooching with Matia. Too bad for her Matia wasn’t feeling the connection back, but with a rose on the line he was willing to fake it.

Maria had already friend-zoned Connor earlier in the episode, giving Lisa her permission to pursue the American “Paradise” alum. I confess I’m shipping Lisa and Connor, but Lisa wasn’t exactly all in.

Sure, she kissed Connor and said she felt like “a schoolgirl with a crush,” but she chose Jake as her derby partner.

“I know I’m not the tallest, hottest guy here. I’m different,” lamented Connor. “I just want to be wanted like everybody wants.”

Damn it, somebody want Connor already.

Joey Kirchner shows that real men snuggle goats.

So, about the derby, which was basically an extended promotion for the BetRivers online casino. There was also a petting zoo with cute bunnies, goats, donkeys, alpacas and even a camel. And everybody wore foam “cowboy leprechaun hats,” in Austin’s words.

There was a race on those inflatable horses and, despite a photo finish with Cole and Sam, Joey and Celine won. I mean, did you think the cowboy was going to lose?

Their “very special prize” was basically a date in a suite — not a fantasy suite, mind you — and a serenade by Canadian singer Tyler Shaw who, mercifully, did not sing anything country.

But despite the candles, the wine and the dancing, Joey and Celine weren’t taking things to the next level, so to speak.

Celine said things were still “surface” between her and Joey; Joey said he was hesitant to push forward with Celine.

Chances are they’ll make it through the next rose ceremony, whenever that is. Beyond that, who knows?

There are other important questions to be answered, like, is there a boom boom room this season or does everybody have to sneak into the sauna like last season?

Next week, Ana Cruz is back along with a new blond contestant who describes herself as “your worst nightmare”; Lisa is in a triangle with Connor and Jake; Maria has words with Nithisha; and it looks like Quartney, who has decided that none of the women are there for the “right reasons,” not just Lisa, will finally take his marbles and go home.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo