Joey Kirchner went on Date No. 3 with Tessa Tookes. ALL PHOTOS CITYTV

There was a “dumpster fire” on the beach, a shit show, a storm brewing, it was “orgy island” and wild horses were running loose on Monday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.” Choose your metaphor.

Basically, it was another episode full of wayward lips although the show at least made it past first base, so to speak, when Austin and Chelsea went to the boom boom room, more on that later.

This was Episode 5 and I don’t think I’ve seen a group of people less likely to commit on a “Bachelor” show. And we can’t blame age, since the youngest cast members have already come and gone. Some of these folks are pushing or past 30.

Exhibit A was Joey, who decided to bust up his pairing with Celine by kissing both Paige and Sam. In the case of Sam, he did it where Celine could see them; heck, where everybody could see them: right at the bar.

When Cole, Sam’s No. 1, showed up, it turned into a smooching quartet, with Sam bizarrely demanding that Cole kiss Lisa while Sam continued swapping spit with Joey — hence bartender Kevin Wendt’s “orgy island” comment.

The so-called weirdness might have ended there except that Joey and Sam kept kissing — Joey described them as “two wild horses” — and Celine wouldn’t let it pass.

As much as everyone’s all “you have to kiss everybody in Paradise” this season, Celine was genuinely hurt, not least because she considered Sam a friend.

At first, Sam appeared utterly remorseless, telling Celine she did it because it felt right and “my core relationship feels so fluid that I just feel like I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Sam, who usually has plenty to say about Lisa trying to “steal” her man, didn’t apologize until the next day.

Celine Paquette and Joey Kirchner before Joey went rogue.

At least Joey — who admitted in his in-the-moment interview that he was being a “shitty, fucking dude” — finally told Celine outright that it wasn’t going to happen for them.

You know who else it wasn’t happening for? Maria and Matia, not that we didn’t know that almost from the get-go.

Since the men now had the roses and the power, Matia felt comfortable confessing that he didn’t feel a true connection with Maria, who complained somewhat comically to Lisa and Sam, “Stupid hockey player, like I literally only date doctors.”

None of those on the beach that I can see.

But the women of Paradise weren’t done with Matia. Paige took a run at him.

She had rejected Joey despite his kissing abilities because she didn’t want to bust up him and Celine, and she had no time for Connor since he lacked “big dick energy” — yeah, I played it back a couple of times and I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.

But Matia? “Love the tats, love the bod.”

Matia wasn’t loving Paige, however, and since he didn’t have to grovel for a rose told her so right away. Whereas Maria’s answer to Matia’s rejection was tears and self-blame, Paige’s was to go on the attack.

“Don’t have your wall so fucking high. You’re a heartbreaker,” Paige protested. When Matia countered that he doesn’t lead girls on (well, unless he needs a rose), Paige called him jaded. Also, “I’m calling you on your bullshit and you don’t like to hear it.”

And then she ranted in her ITM: “Get him the fuck out of the show, get him the fuck out of here. Like why is he here?”

“Good luck, Matia!” she screeched as Matia walked away, and Austin and Chelsea doubled over in laughter.

Pssst, Paige, pretty sure he’s not the one going home.

Also seemingly on the chopping block was Nithisha.

Garrett Aida seemed to finally choose Meagan Morris over Nithisha Ketheeswaran.

It looked like Garrett, her only romantic interest, was in her rearview, given all the canoodling he was doing with Meagan. And Sam tried to seal the deal by pulling Garrett aside to tell him that Nithisha was being “strategic.” There’s that word again.

The thing is: “Bachelor in Paradise” is essentially a game, especially the way it’s being played this season. The rules say you have to be coupled up or you go home, so are you trying to tell me that nobody else on the entire beach is thinking about strategy when they cosy up to somebody to get a rose?

That’s absurd.

Also absurd was Garrett declaring, “I need to know for myself what the truth is because I demand loyalty.” Like the loyalty he showed when he was two-timing Nithisha with Meagan, you mean?

This whole Nithisha plot seems like something manufactured by production to ensure there’s a villain arc.

And I don’t want to get too woke here, but it’s not exactly a good look that a group of mostly white woman are talking crap about the sole remaining South Asian cast member.

Nithisha is no shrinking violet, however, and defended herself to both the other women and Garrett, which then got spun around in Garrett’s ITM to Nithisha being manipulative. Make of that what you will.

And on the subject of romantic triangles, could Cole please choose between Sam and Lisa already?

On the one hand he told Lisa he could picture being with her in the “real world.” But then he told Sam she was “still my person” and he needed to break things off with Lisa. Except in his ITM he said he might not be telling Sam the truth. And THIS IS EXHAUSTING! JUST PICK!

Even if he does choose Sam though, that guarantees nothing.

Chelsea Vaughn and Austin Tinsley: together today, maybe not tomorrow.

Just look at Austin and Chelsea, who’ve been a seemingly committed couple almost since day one. They became the first to visit the boom boom room. (No, we didn’t see it, this isn’t Playa Escondida in Mexico.)

What great timing then for Austin to decide he was interested in new arrival Tessa Tookes. You put out for your “Paradise” boyfriend and he wants to take a helicopter ride with another woman.

Austin had to stay grounded, however, since Tessa, a Week 2 cast-off from Clayton Echard’s “Bachelor” season, chose Joey to accompany her in the whirlybird.

This was Joey’s third date so he is now officially the Bachelor of Paradise.

Joey, Tessa said, “just has this je ne sais quoi and he’s just really hot.”

For his part, Joey kept describing Tessa, a musician living in Brooklyn, as “cool.” He claimed she was the only woman he had genuinely felt anything for in Paradise.

Make of that what you will since, if the promo is to be believed, Tessa will be making out with Austin next week. (Also, a mea culpa here. I forgot a cardinal rule of promos, which is that they are meant to be misleading, so last week I said incorrectly that Austin would go on the helicopter date with Tessa.)

Josh Guvi is back. Does this mean a reprieve for Maria Garcia-Sanchez?

There was one more new arrival before episode’s end, although we have to wait till next week to see who he takes on his date: Josh Guvi, a Vancouver filmmaker and returning “Bachelor In Paradise Canada” cast member who apparently is Chelsea’s type.

He’s also Maria’s and, after feeling some sparks with her last season, kept in touch with her after the show. But does the fact we see Maria teary-eyed in the promo (again) and apparently kissing Joey (again) mean she’s SOL when it comes to Josh?

And will Sam and Cole really make it to the boom boom room and will that mean the end of his flirtation with Lisa?

You can find out next Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo