Welcome to Paradise, the land of second chances.
It’s a special place where fate, and the magic of TV editing, can turn Connor Brennan into a great kisser, Noah Erb into a sort of not so creepy dude and Tahzjuan Hawkins into someone hot enough to make out with two members of the same family.
Yes, “Bachelor in Paradise,” we’re reunited and dare I say it feels so good.
That the “Bachelor” spinoff is back after the COVID-19 pandemic kept everyone away from the beach last year is itself a bit of a comeback story. But far from being weird to see people doing the opposite of physical distancing, the sight of 23 eligible men and women hugging, kissing and hanging out at Playa Escondida seemed utterly normal. In fact, it made me a little giddy.
Other than the three people I didn’t recognize (sorry Deandra, Maurissa and Victoria Paul) it was kind of delightful to see all the familiar faces. Well, OK, maybe not Karl Smith.
And is it just me or does it seem like things are moving at lightning speed?
Bartender Wells Adams told guest host David Spade this season has set the record for most amount of makeouts in Day 1 of the show and who am I to doubt Wells?
Fan favourite Abigail Heringer was the first to hit the beach and then they just kept coming, generally stopping to chat with Spade, who was funny and self-deprecating and did not make me miss Chris Harrison at all.
The general consensus was that Toronto’s Serena Pitt, from Matt James’s season, and Brendan Morais, who made Tayshia Adams’ top four, were the equivalent of the prom king and queen, the popular kids that everybody wanted to get with.
Although Serena expressed interest in Brendan in her intro package, and Brendan gave her a ride on his back at one point, it was “Grocery Store” Joe Amabile she locked lips with later that night. And that happened after Joe got awkward (I’m sorry, but what the hell does “Toronto is very ugly from the outside but beautiful in” even mean?); then teary-eyed when he was reminded of Kendall Long, the woman he started dating during Season 5 of “Bachelor in Paradise”; and then anti-social, going off to mope by himself.
He even told Wells he wanted to leave. And then along came Serena, who overlooked the 12-year difference in their ages and the fact he was wearing socks with his flip-flops and smooched him a whole bunch. (We already know from the end-of-episode promo that Kendall is going to turn up and possibly throw a wrench into Joe’s new romance.)
As for Brendan, we didn’t see him kissing, but he was paired off with Natasha Parker from Peter Weber’s season for some crab and bird-watching, and then bird-killing-a-crab watching.
Makeouts were in full force between Ivan Hall from Tayshia’s season and Jessenia Cruz from Matt’s season; Aaron Clancy from Katie Thurston’s season and Tammy Ly from Peter’s season (who confused David Spade with Dave Chappelle, which is pretty messed up); and Connor Brennan, a.k.a. the Cat from Katie’s season, and Maurissa Gunn from Peter’s season. And the verdict? “Katie is wrong. Connor is a great kisser.”
Tre Cooper, also from Katie’s season, was undaunted by the fact that Tahzjuan Hawkins from Colton Underwood’s season had gone on a date with — and kissed — Tre’s uncle. Tahzjuan, whose previous “Bachelor in Paradise” claim to fame was melting down in the Mexican heat, both physically and emotionally, rated Tre’s smooch 10 out of 10: “I really enjoyed kissing Tre, more than his uncle.”
And then there were Kenny Braasch, from Clare Crawley’s and Tayshia’s season, and Mari Pepin-Solis from Matt’s season. Kenny has the distinction of being both the oldest cast member at 40 and the least dressed, having shown up wearing nothing but his tattoos. Why? To show off his body, he claimed, but he could still do that in a Speedo and maintain a little mystery. What happens if he and Mari go to the boom-boom room? There’ll be no big reveal, so to speak.
But wait, there’s more! While folks were coupling up left, right and centre back at the resort, Abigail had gone on the season’s first date with Noah Erb, the cocky fellow remembered for both his porn stache and annoying everybody when he showed up late to Tayshia’s season.
Abigail, who said she moves really slowly in relationships (then why, oh why are you on your second “Bachelor” show, my dear?), seemed to be threatening to friend-zone Noah after they sat down for a meal in a room filled with pinatas, but by the time they started smashing the pinatas — a metaphor for breaking down Abigail’s walls, obviously — they had a big smooch session.
So, by my count, eight of the 10 guys there had already coupled up with someone. I’m not sure what Karl and James Bonsall were doing, but since they’re handing out the roses it doesn’t really matter.
That leaves Deandra and Kelsey Weir, a.k.a. Champagne Girl, both from Peter’s season; Serena Chew from Matt’s season; and the two Victorias, Paul (Peter’s season) and Larson, better known as Queen Victoria from Matt’s season, to battle it out for the roses that aren’t already spoken for.
Victoria L, who has given up her crown but declared herself a goddess, complete with some sort of Statue of Liberty-esque head gear (Connor to Victoria: “I love those golden zip ties. Did you make that yourself?”), wanted the men to come to her. She tried her “five second rule” at the bar, i.e. she smiles for five seconds and a man walks over to her, but her “goddess energy didn’t quite kick in.”
In any event, we didn’t get as far as a rose ceremony. The episode ended with Demi Burnett walking down the steps to the beach, declaring, “Those poor girls, I’m gonna steal all their men. I’m gonna fuck things up.”
That’s the way it goes in Paradise. We already know from the promo that the producers are going to mess with Joe and Serena by bringing Kendall back; Riley from Tayshia’s season is going to screw things up for Connor and Maurissa; Tammy is going to double time Aaron with Thomas, one of Katie’s castoffs, although Thomas is also going to hook up with former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin; and there’ll be a love triangle between Kenny, Mari and Demi.
Cue the tears. And keep watching next Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And if you want to talk “Paradise,” you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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