David Spade fulfills his final guest host duty by talking up the rose ceremony on “Bachelor in Paradise.” PHOTO CREDIT: All photos, Craig Sjodin/ABC.

When it comes to “Bachelor in Paradise,” are we not all — in the immortal words of “Goddess” Victoria — minor idiots?

Who among us would have pegged Brendan Morais, the sweet man we fell in love with on Tayshia’s “Bachelorette” season, as this season’s “Paradise” player? That’s right, none of us, or at least none of us who don’t read spoilers.

But Monday night, Brendan was accused of having already connected with Pieper James, a castoff from Matt James’ “Bachelor” season, before hitting the beach — this after leaving Natasha Parker to stew while he went on a date with Demi Burnett. It all seemed a bit Blake Horstmann and his Stagecoach shenanigans.

Then again, the whole being into someone before you come on “BiP” scenario should have sounded familiar to Demi, who did exactly the same thing in Season 6 when she joined the show while pining for girlfriend Kristian Haggerty, who turned up after Demi had already gotten cosy with Derek Peth.

Demi strutted onto the beach in Monday’s episode with a date card and an “I’m the sexy bitch who’s gonna steal your man” attitude — this after telling guest host David Spade that while she’s into both men and women she was looking to date dudes this time.

After commandeering Connor, Kenny (who’s finally put on clothes) and Brendan for chats — as Maurissa, Mari and Natasha watched nervously — Demi took Brendan for a jet-skiing and making out on the beach date.

Brendan Morais and Demi Burnett on the episode’s first — and their last — date.

But when Demi told Brendan she’d love to kiss him every day, he told her he’d “formed certain things with other girls” and they’d have to “see if our paths cross again along this journey.” So that would be a no.

Back at the resort, everyone was gossiping about how Brendan had been dating Pieper before coming on the show. That’s why, when Demi returned alone, feeling like an idiot over Brendan’s rejection, Victoria Larson told Demi she was only “a minor idiot” since no one had known about Brendan and Pieper.

Confronted by Demi, Brendan fessed up to spending time with Pieper but insisted they weren’t in a relationship. Personally, I’d love to hear whether Pieper thought they were in a relationship and, since she’s bound to turn up on “Paradise” before long, I’m sure we’ll find out.

Brendan’s other conversation about Pieper, with Natasha, was less acrimonious. He told Natasha his liaison with Pieper had been “super casual” and he’d been having deeper conversations with Natasha than he ever had with Pieper, so it wasn’t long till they were strolling happily along the beach together. Demi, who was watching and making “hyena” noises of despair, was soon in tears. Sucks to find out you’re not as popular as you thought you’d be.

Now on to the episode’s other “villain.” Victoria Paul decided to latch onto James Bonsall, whose name she couldn’t remember — she kept calling him Jordan in her confessionals — so she could get a rose, stick around and see who else turned up, or at least that’s what she said.

Victoria Paul chats up … what’s that guy’s name again?

According to Tammy and Kelsey, who both knew Victoria from Peter Weber’s season, it was more nefarious than that. They both said Victoria had a boyfriend back home in Nashville and was just on “BiP” to get famous.

James was floored when Tammy broke the news. What, was the conversation in which Victoria asked James if he peed outside or in the toilet when he woke up in the morning not a tipoff there was something off about this woman?

Once James confirmed Tammy’s info with Kelsey, who also lives in Nashville, he confronted Victoria, who claimed she broke up with the guy, but she didn’t put up a very convincing counter-argument. She eventually sent herself home, essentially confirming the boyfriend story when she said in the SUV of Shame, “I realize I don’t have to search for what I already have at home.”

Her departure meant it was back to 13 women vying for 10 roses, with nine already spoken for, which meant that Demi, Kelsey, Victoria Larson and Serena Chew were all at the mercy of James.

Demi and Kelsey both lobbied James for a friendship rose. Serena and Victoria decided to try their luck elsewhere.

When Tammy left Aaron’s side, Serena led him away for a bit of a lame rap and a beach bed smooch, not that it was ever in doubt he was giving his rose to Tammy. Just to prove her dominance, Tammy kissed him and straddled him when she got back, ensuring he couldn’t get up from the beach bed right away.

Goddess Victoria, meanwhile, zeroed in on Tre. She didn’t even get as far as a kiss (which in “Paradise” carries about as much weight as a handshake) before Tre’s main squeeze, Tahzjuan, unleashed a “Tahz-nado,” scolding Victoria for being selfish and going back to her old ways. That sent Victoria crying to a producer, which is exactly like her old ways.

In the end, it was Demi who snagged the final rose despite Kelsey’s sympathy-garnering fainting spell. As if there was a chance in hell the producers were going to let Demi go home after one episode.

The nine couples, as it stands now, are Ivan and Jessenia, Noah and Abigail, Joe and Serena Pitt, Connor and Maurissa, Tre and Tahz, Karl and Deandra, Brendan and Natasha, Aaron and Tammy, and Kenny and Mari.

Ivan and Jessenia went on a date that took us away, if only briefly, from the drama on the beach.

Jessenia and Ivan on a date, a real date as opposed to a fake one.

Currently, they seem like the most solid couple. They had a serious conversation on their date about race, with Jessenia, who is Latina, opening up about the online abuse she experienced after her time on Matt’s season.

“I had never experienced that type of racism until after the show and it hurts it, it really hurts,” Jessenia said. So she had to think long and hard about risking being “torn apart” again by coming on “Bachelor in Paradise.”

But “I feel safe here, I feel safe with you,” she told Ivan.

I hope it stays that way.

We know from the promos that Serena and Joe, and Maurissa and Connor are going to be tested thanks to the arrivals of Thomas from Katie’s season and Riley from Tayshia’s season.

And you won’t have to wait till next week for more drama, with ABC airing another episode Tuesday night at 8 p.m. I’m not sure when Citytv will fit it in since they’ve got “America’s Got Talent” in that time slot. Nor am I sure when I’ll have the Tuesday night recap up.

In the meantime, you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo