Make ’em laugh or you might go home on ‘Canada’s Drag Race’

SPOILER ALERT: DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHO WON AND LOST THIS WEEK ON CANADA’S DRAG RACE? THEN DON’T READ THIS YET.

Never mind world peace – the queens couldn’t keep the peace in the werkroom on “Canada’s Drag Race.”

Tensions were high this week, which featured the first drag pageant in “Drag Race” her-story. (And yes, the old “world peace” pageant Q&A cliche was trotted out.)

Lemon was still pissed about the four girls who said she deserved to go home last week. Ilona claimed it was because they were all jealous of Lemon.

Ilona had perhaps the funniest insult, referring privately to Rita Baga as “that old one” and “a senior citizen.” Girl, I’m pretty sure Rita’s still in her 30s. She’s mature, yes; old, no.

Scarlett BoBo was the most snappish of the queens. The fact she hadn’t yet won a challenge was weighing on her. 

She took it out on Ilona in the werkroom: something about being mad at Ilona because she rolled her eyes, I don’t really know. Priyanka called it “the ‘Seinfeld’ of all fights” because it was about nothing, and that sounds about right.

So would this be Scarlett’s week? After all, she was told she was “magnificent” on the runway and she did well in the pageant . . . but nope, sorry, Lemon won again, making good on her boast that she was going to “prove a lot of bitches wrong.”

Judge Brooke Lynn Hytes told Scarlett earlier that “slow and steady wins the race,” but does it? I don’t know.

“It just sucks. I’ve been trying so hard and no one sees me,” Scarlett said after Lemon’s victory, her second in a maxi-challenge.

So if you’re keeping score, that’s Rita at three wins, Lemon two, Priyanka and Jimbo at one each.

And what of fan favourite Jimbo?

The clown queen excelled in the pageant. The deal was that each queen had to play a character in the “Miss Loose Jaw” pageant. Jimbo’s was Miss Behavin’, the “the town bicycle” and “sex-positive horndoggess,” and Jimbo played it to the dirty hilt.

For example, in her intro speech, she said her life’s ambition was “to lose my gag reflex all together.” And then, after fellating the microphone, “Wow, that tastes really good . . . like strangers.”

I laughed more at that than I did at Lemon’s mime routine, clever as it was.

Alas, Jimbo got savage reviews on the runway (the theme was Pageant Perfection) for her hot pink dress trimmed in marabou feathers, which had a skirt pouffy enough to hide a couple more drag queens underneath.

To say it wasn’t glamorous, as judge Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman did, is preposterous — she was wearing freakin’ marabou and faux diamonds and gloves — but I do agree with Brooke and Stacey McKenzie that it wasn’t a flattering shape. Nonetheless I understand why Jimbo was pissed, particularly at Jeffrey.

“I think he maybe needs to look up the word glamour,” Jimbo said about Jeffrey during the untuck.

She’s got a point. I mean, if Jimbo’s gown wasn’t glamour, how did Lemon’s imitation of a five-year-old pageant contestant pass that test? Maybe her interpretation of the runway theme was “genius,” as Brooke said it was, but that pouffy yellow tutu skirt wasn’t any more figure-flattering than Jimbo’s as far as I could see.

My favourite gowns of the week were Rita’s cream and black strapless mermaid number (although I’m with Jimbo, the wig did look fried, perhaps not “like a grandma dunked her head in the toilet” fried, but still) and Scarlett’s nude chiffon and sequins and black lace confection.

Heck, I might have given Scarlett the whole enchilada just for her runway look, even though I didn’t find her as funny in the pageant as Lemon, but I’m not a judge, so what do I know?

And let’s revisit the pageant for a moment and pay tribute to one of the pageant judges, Michelle DuBarry, Canada’s oldest performing drag queen and at one time the world’s (sorry, the interwebs tell me somebody else took that title away from her in 2016, the bitch).

“I feel like she’s lived through so many major gay events and historical moments, and she’s been there right at the front fighting for us,” Lemon said in the werkroom.

The older generation of queens, “they’re the ones who gave us the right and freedom to be our openly queer selves, so we have to make sure that we’re always giving thanks . . . because Michelle DuBarry paved the way for all of us,” added Scarlett.

Well said.

OK, back to the competition.

If you saw the pageant, you wouldn’t be surprised that Ilona and Priyanka had to lip sync for their lives — the second time for both — even though the judges loved Priyanka’s beautiful gold and blue dress. Ilona’s mopey Miss Erable and Priyanka’s angry Miss Demeanour just weren’t funny.

Luckily for Priyanka, she turned on the funny during the lip sync to “Hello” by guest host Allie X (more on her later), keeping the judges laughing by waving to them and playing various air instruments. Ilona emoted the hell out of it, but I think the judges had already decided her time was up.

She was all class as she sashayed away. “This has been amazing as a non-binary person to be able to come on this show and be open about being who I am as a two-spirit Indigenous person. And I hope that my story, and just me being here and being myself, can inspire and empower other people like me.”

Amen to that Sissy.

What really made me tear up was when Allie X came to the werkroom to give Ilona a hug and tell her how taken she was with Ilona’s “spirit and being.” It was a sweet exchange. In fact, Allie brought a sweet and generous demeanour in general to the judges’ table. And, you know, she described Rita as “a glamazon zamboni smoothing out the whole stage.” That’s some inspired critiquing right there.

Next week, the top five queens meet newcomers to Canada on the Rainbow Railroad, which helps LGBTQ people escape persecution in other countries, and give them drag makeovers. I suspect that will elicit some tears as well. Until then . . .

You can catch “Canada’s Drag Race” Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Crave.