Meet the new Bachelorette, same as the old Bachelorette

So here we are again. After a disastrous season of “The Bachelor” that left a bad taste in plenty of mouths, sparked accusations of racism within the franchise and led to the departure of host Chris Harrison, a new season of “The Bachelorette” began Monday and it seems . . . exactly the same as every other season that came before it.

The star in what will be the first of two “Bachelorette” seasons to air this year is Katie Thurston, a 30-year-old marketing manager who became a fan favourite among Matt James’ group of contestants after she sparred with the bully-in-chief and tattled on a couple of the mean girls, but then got friend-zoned by Matt.

On her debut as the one handing out the roses, we had the same unwieldy group of some 30 men, same script about journeys, finding love and so on, same promises of conflict tinged with potential violence, same dumb shit-stirring production manipulations: I mean, hello, Blake Moynes from Clare’s and Tayshia’s combined season is coming back as a late contestant?

Roughly a third of the 23 fellows left standing Monday night were men of colour, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything if they’re only there to give the franchise a sheen of diversity, as we’ve seen in past seasons.

The only real change was Harrison’s absence and I can’t say it was to the show’s detriment. The presence of past Bachelorettes Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams as co-hosts injected some positive go-girl energy into the proceedings. I mean, can you imagine Harrison munching on popcorn as he watched the limos pull up and shouting encouragement to Katie from a window as she met the men?

So yes, the men. There were 29 of them to start by my count, well, 28 and one half man, half cat.

Connor B, a math teacher and musician from Nashville, separated himself from the pack by showing up dressed as Katie’s favourite animal, although she left her beloved cat Tommy at home during filming. Connor was one of several men who got first-night smooches from Katie, although personally I thought Connor’s kisses looked a bit like my cat attacking a bowl of canned food. Still, he seems nice enough.

Businessman Michael from Ohio also tried to bond over beasts with Katie, in his case a dog named Tommy, although his real love is his 4-year-old son.

There were a few other sweethearts in the bunch, at least based on first impressions.

Thomas, a real estate broker from San Diego County, said he “felt like a third grader trying to talk to a cute girl for the first time” and made Katie blush with his compliments, although he also seems to feature in some of the drama to come.

Tre, a software engineer from Georgia, showed up in a pickup truck with a ball pit in the bed (because Katie’s “a pretty baller Bachelorette”) and they had fun later sitting in the balls sipping drinks.

Katie had chemistry with Justin, an investment sales consultant from Baltimore who painted her a picture of roses and leaned in for the first kiss.

And I got just a touch of Duke of Hastings from “Bridgerton” vibes when Andrew S, a charming pro football player from Chicago by way of Vienna, spoke with a fake British accent.

I also have to put in a word for the Canadian in the bunch, firefighter trainee Brendan from my hometown of Toronto. Just ask Astrid Loch, who’s expecting a baby with fiancé Kevin Wendt, what she thinks of firefighters from Toronto.

But my hands down favourite — me and the rest of Bachelor nation — was Greg, the marketing sales rep from New Jersey who won over Katie with his nervous sincerity and a necklace made of pasta by his 3-year-old niece. I mean, come on, the end-of-episode promo showed he and Katie kissing in the rain. I have no idea if Greg makes it to the end (no spoilers please!), but him getting the first impression rose was a given.

Who’s not so great?

There was some weird unexplained beef between Aaron, an insurance agent from San Diego, and Cody, a “zipper sales manager” also from San Diego. Seemingly out of the blue, Aaron told Cody, “I don’t like you, bro. Like, I’ve never liked you.” I can only assume they have some history back home.

Otherwise, no villains emerged on Night 1. There wasn’t even any double dipping on Katie’s time and the snarkery was mild at best, a few digs at Connor’s cat costume and at James, the software salesman from La Jolla, Calif., who spent most of the night in a giant wrapped box so he could be “present” for Katie.

Personally, I was waiting for someone to show up with a vibrator, hearkening back to Katie’s entrance on Matt James’ “Bachelor” season. Cody brought a blow-up doll named Sandy and Miami motivational speaker Karl depicted Katie as a vibrator-wielding princess in the poster he drew for her, but that was it for sex toys.

There were also a couple of random pairs of gitch. Florida technical recruiter Kyle pulled some tighty whities out of his pants and surgical skin salesman Jeff, who drove his motorhome (a.k.a. “Breaking Bad” RV) from New Jersey, apparently left his boxer shorts lying around before inviting Katie in for a tour. Um, yeah, way to keep it classy.

Oh right and there’s a virgin, gym owner Mike, also from San Diego, because we all know how well having virgins on the show has worked out before. Plus, yeah, what a great choice for a Bachelorette who describes herself as “sex positive.”

When all was said and done Katie handed out roses to a few serious contenders and a bunch of group date fodder.

As for what’s ahead, same old it looks like. The promos showed verbal sparring, men knocking each other around on group date challenges, the obligatory call for the medics, men getting naked or nearly so, lots of tears, hints of betrayal, an angry Katie telling guys to “get the fuck out” if they’re not there for her, Katie herself threatening to go home. So all the usual nonsense, but we’re still watching, aren’t we?

You can tune in Mondays at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Edited because I said that Michael had a 4-year-old daughter rather than a son. Duh.