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Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Babes on the beach, dogs too

There was a second rose ceremony on “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.” Three men went home, one of them voluntarily. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

Welcome to the Lisa-naissance.

Striking a blow for quirky girls everywhere who like to talk to squirrels, Lisa Mancini was continuing to burn up the beach on Monday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

In the words of her friend Joey Kirchner, another Canadian cutie who’s looking to play the field, “She’s coming through just putting that tongue wherever she wants to blow it. It’s fantastic.”

In Lisa’s own words, “The Lisa Renaissance is in full effect.” Also, “the makeout bandit strikes again.”

Be mad about it if you want. Somebody on the Canadian production staff got the “more drama” memo.

Lisa was kissing all the boys and only one of them was crying in his red wine.

Well, OK, she only kissed two boys Monday: American “Paradise” alum Connor Brennan and newbie Jake Ondrus.

Jake Ondrus, centre, with Austin, Sam, Chelsea and Joey, turned Lisa’s head.

As an aside, whatever the women are seeing in Jake is not translating all that well through the TV screen. He does seem like a pretty chill guy, mind you. Lisa said he was spiritual. They talked about the “magic of the universe.” What do I know? I’m just a cynical TV critic.

Lisa said Jake was “a serious candidate,” although she was also still interested in Connor.

She definitely wasn’t feeling Quartney, who was blaming Lisa for the fact he hadn’t made connections with any other women. Here’s a question: if you keep banging your head against the same wall, is it the wall’s fault?

Also, you think any of the other women wanted to connect with Quartney after seeing how intense he got with Lisa after one date? And not a “date” date, a Paradise date.

Quartney tried, though, and got shut down by Nithisha and Meagan, which prompted him to throw his plastic wine glass and stomp off — well, inasmuch as one can stomp on sand — saying, “I’m done with y’all.”

Kevin Wendt, bartender and good egg, talked Quartney down, telling him to take a breath before doing anything crazy.

Also, his departure would obviously play better if he waited to make a speech at the rose ceremony. That’s not Kevin saying that; that’s me.

Edward Naranjo makes his pitch for Nithisha Ketheeswaran’s rose.

The next evening, with a rose ceremony looming, the focus shifted to Nithisha. Seeing as how Garrett was getting closer to Meagan — they had a private dancing and smooching party, y’all — Nithisha was taking applications for a friendship rose. The candidates included her former kissing partner, Edward; new guy Godfrey and an increasingly desperate Quartney.

Ding, ding, ding. Nithisha is the winner of the villain edit. I’m not sure what the difference is between Lisa not being sure who to give her rose to and Nithisha not being sure who to give her rose to. But Nithisha gave hers to Edward after supposedly telling other people he wasn’t there for the right reasons, so that made her decision “strategic.” I guess that’s a bad thing?

Like, wouldn’t you want to be strategic playing a game like “Bachelor in Paradise”?

The rose ceremony did happen — I guess we’re getting one every two episodes now. And Quartney got his close-up, telling host Sharleen Joynt and his fellow contestants that since he hadn’t found his person he was going to leave rather than potentially (read: almost certainly) not get a rose.

From there it went pretty much like clockwork, with Celine giving a rose to Joey; Chelsea to Austin; Meagan to Garrett; Sam to Cole; and Maria to Matia (oh honey, he is so not into you).

And then Lisa hemmed and hawed between Jake and Connor. She might have been confused. I wasn’t. Connor is third in the opening credits and they aren’t alphabetical. I believe he is what the folks on “Game of Roses” call a protected player.

Jake might have felt he was more exciting for Lisa than Connor; not so the producers.

Anyway, Nithisha gave the final rose to Edward, paving the way for the next day’s fallout.

Connor told Lisa that Jake was a “jackass” and “not a genuine person.”

First off, Connor was pissed that Lisa had been (allegedly) undecided about him and Jake. “At this point, I’m not all in on Lisa,” he said in his in-the-moment interview.

Also, Sam and Maria gave Nithisha a talking to. “You say one thing and then the next afternoon you change,” accused Maria. “We just feel like you wanted to play a strategic game and it wasn’t a heartfelt game,” added Sam.

Nithisha insisted she was there for love. Where she lost me, however, was when she called Godfrey “Godwin” and, after being corrected by Maria, retorted, “I’ll call him whatever I want to, OK.” Uh, OK, but that’s his name?

Anyway, a couple of new women had come to the resort: 31-year-old fan Paige Allen and “Paradise Canada” returnee Ana Cruz, 27.

Paige, who described herself as “a blond bombshell,” “party Paige,” but also “your worst nightmare,” got a little catty with a bikini-and-cowboy-boots-clad Sam, saying, “I was gonna wear my cowboy boots with my outfit, I thought it would look too much like a stripper.” Meow.

However she eventually fits in on the beach, Paige perfectly fit the narrative of tension between Lisa and Connor since Paige took Connor on her date. I would have definitely picked the guy who admired my skeleton tattoo, if I had one, over the guy who said his type was “fake asses, fake boobs.” Hello Matia.

If Connor had any designs on doing some retaliatory smooching with Paige, it must have gone by the wayside when they found out they were babysitting for Kevin and Astrid Wendt (formerly Loch). Kevin and Astrid went on the actual date, leaving their baby August and dogs Ace and Bean with Connor and Paige.

Kevin and Astrid Wendt trust August, Ace and Bean to Connor and Paige.

I’ll admit it was cute. Connor took out his ukulele and made up a song for the babe and the pooches.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Lisa wasn’t exactly pining for Connor. She and Cole spent more alone time together, during which they established they were both very attracted to each other but were afraid of hurting Connor and Sam. So they didn’t kiss. They just nuzzled a lot. I guess rubbing someone’s butt and kissing their neck doesn’t count as making out.

When Connor came back from his date and told Lisa that he didn’t kiss Paige, Lisa decided not to tell Connor about her interlude with Cole, even though she was planning to spend more time with Cole that night.

The only other development was that Ana took Edward on a canoe date, on which they bonded over their shared Latino heritage, their interest in cooking and their closeness to their moms. Also kissing.

Nithisha is clearly going to have to get her next rose from someone else.

Next week: Cole and Lisa break their no-kissing rule; Paige makes a play for Matia; Austin goes on a helicopter date with new arrival Tessa; Joey smooches Sam; and Josh Guvi makes his return.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Follow the bouncing lips

Joey Kirchner and Celine Paquette are hell-bent for leather in the first
“Bachelor in Paradise Derby.” PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

I don’t blame you if, after watching Monday’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” you feel as if you were being bounced around on one of the inflatable horses in the Bachelor in Paradise Derby.

To quote the eminently quotable Joey as he prepared to bounce to victory: “Hold on tight, honey, we’re about to go.”

And go the cast did: bouncing back and forth between kissing partners.

Austin and Chelsea seem like the only safe bet on the beach so far, although I would have said that last season about Brendan and Illeana, so I reserve the right to be skeptical.

Let’s start with ex-“Survivor” contestant Cole Medders, one of the hottest commodities on the beach.

He gave Sam his rose last week despite being pursued by both Celine, who’s now with Joey, and Rianna, who’s now gone. So he and Sam are solid now, right? Right?

If by solid you mean they both kissed other people — more than once — this episode, then sure, like a rock.

It started with Cole smooching Lisa and not feeling particularly guilty about it. He ‘fessed up to Sam right away, who lied and said it didn’t bother her. But I’m thinking Sam calling Lisa “toxic” in her in-the-moment interview is a dead giveaway that she was pissed.

(And did I mention Sam and Lisa were roommates at the Christie’s Mill Inn and Spa in Port Severn, Ont.? So awkward?)

Lisa Mancini is “trying to live Paradise as it should be lived,” lips first.

Sam claimed it was about Lisa feeling threatened by Sam and wanting to make her feel like shit. Me, I don’t think it has anything to do with Sam.

“This is my year in Paradise, so I’m living it the way I want to live it, to the fullest,” Lisa said.

You know who didn’t pretend to be OK with Lisa kissing Cole? Quartney.

“I’m disgusted. I do not like a girl who’s making out with multiple dudes. This is not OK,” Quartney huffed in his ITM.

Dude, do you know what you signed up for? I know you were on “Bachelorette” and not “Bachelor in Paradise,” but tell me you’ve at least watched the show.

“You’re making me sound slutty,” Lisa complained to Quartney, who didn’t seem apologetic about that.

“Why can’t you just see something with me? Like, can we not just try this?” Quartney pleaded. “We keep getting distracted because of you.”

Pssst, Quartney, maybe it’s you and your possessiveness that are the issue.

As Connor, Lisa’s other sometime kissing partner, put it the next day, “You don’t own her . . . We’re in Paradise to explore connections with people and part of that is kissing people.”

Yes, and that’s something that Sam seemed to get . . . when it was her kissing someone else.

She perked up considerably when newcomer Jake Ondrus, a 22-year-old personal trainer and holistic nutritionist, asked her on a date. To be fair, she wasn’t the only one eyeballing him. Jake was practically giving “Bachelor” vibes as he sat on a couch surrounded by eager women.

Sam Picco and new arrival Jake Ondrus were digging each other’s energy.

Sam said they went “really deep really fast,” which apparently had something to do with Jake talking about “mind, body, soul connection” and Sam saying she was an “empath” and a “manifester.”

On their date, they manifested sexy time on a Harley Davidson, dressing up in leathers, including hot pants and a bikini top for Sam and, eventually, no shirt for Jake. And as they straddled the bike for a photo shoot, face to face, there was inevitably some kissing, quite a lot of it actually.

So was Sam really thinking about Cole “constantly” on her date, even when she kissed Jake “20 times”? Unknown.

Was Cole thinking about Sam when he kissed Lisa again?

Cole defended himself to Sam by pointing out that she was on a date — a kissing cousin of the infamous “We were on a break” defence from “Friends” perhaps?

He insisted he was excited to build on his relationship with Sam, but I can’t blame Sam for being uncertain where she stands with Cole.

A couple more couples were on the chopping block.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Meagan dumped Matia. No takers? I thought not.

Meagan wanted Matia to be “open” with her. Matia wanted her to be patient with his reluctance to be fully himself, which is presumably someone besides a “cabana douche babe.” Meagan was out of patience. She decided to hang with Garrett instead, who had allegedly soured on Nithisha for kissing Edward and not telling him.

Garrett Aida and Meagan Morris coupled up — for now anyway.

Garrett even got teary-eyed in front of Meagan talking about his parents’ divorce, so openness wasn’t an issue there. And it was Meagan with whom he partnered on a bouncy horse for the Paradise Derby.

Still, their newfound connection didn’t nullify Garrett’s desire to smooch Nithisha, but I guess that’s a triangle for another day.

Matia had to find a new place to park his lips and that turned out to be Maria.

The notoriously kissing-shy Maria found the “fire” she’d been missing with other people after smooching with Matia. Too bad for her Matia wasn’t feeling the connection back, but with a rose on the line he was willing to fake it.

Maria had already friend-zoned Connor earlier in the episode, giving Lisa her permission to pursue the American “Paradise” alum. I confess I’m shipping Lisa and Connor, but Lisa wasn’t exactly all in.

Sure, she kissed Connor and said she felt like “a schoolgirl with a crush,” but she chose Jake as her derby partner.

“I know I’m not the tallest, hottest guy here. I’m different,” lamented Connor. “I just want to be wanted like everybody wants.”

Damn it, somebody want Connor already.

Joey Kirchner shows that real men snuggle goats.

So, about the derby, which was basically an extended promotion for the BetRivers online casino. There was also a petting zoo with cute bunnies, goats, donkeys, alpacas and even a camel. And everybody wore foam “cowboy leprechaun hats,” in Austin’s words.

There was a race on those inflatable horses and, despite a photo finish with Cole and Sam, Joey and Celine won. I mean, did you think the cowboy was going to lose?

Their “very special prize” was basically a date in a suite — not a fantasy suite, mind you — and a serenade by Canadian singer Tyler Shaw who, mercifully, did not sing anything country.

But despite the candles, the wine and the dancing, Joey and Celine weren’t taking things to the next level, so to speak.

Celine said things were still “surface” between her and Joey; Joey said he was hesitant to push forward with Celine.

Chances are they’ll make it through the next rose ceremony, whenever that is. Beyond that, who knows?

There are other important questions to be answered, like, is there a boom boom room this season or does everybody have to sneak into the sauna like last season?

Next week, Ana Cruz is back along with a new blond contestant who describes herself as “your worst nightmare”; Lisa is in a triangle with Connor and Jake; Maria has words with Nithisha; and it looks like Quartney, who has decided that none of the women are there for the “right reasons,” not just Lisa, will finally take his marbles and go home.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Triangles on the beach

The “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” cast ahead of Tuesday’s rose ceremony. Three of the women were gone by episode’s end. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

Welcome to “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” Spin the Bottle edition.

I jest, of course. The bottles are either behind the bar with Kevin Wendt or set up on tables during dates for prime product placement. And nobody on the beach was actually playing a teenage kissing game. But there were some serious wandering lips on Monday’s episode.

Take Joey Kirchner, for instance, returning conquering Canadian hero.

It seems he was more hot for the red Ferrari on last week’s date than for fan Shaz Gafoor, even though he kissed her and not the car. “My rose is going to the Ferrari,” Joey joked.

And yes, Joey smooched Shaz again before the rose ceremony, but next thing you know he was on a beach bed with Celine who, after being disappointed by Cole, was vibing wth Joey’s “Alberta charm.”

Celine Paquette and Joey Kirchner get acquainted on Tuesday.

“Joey’s looking like Tim McGraw up in here,” she said. Well, sure, Tim’s still got the abs, I guess.

It wasn’t long before Joey and Celine were using their lips for something besides talking.

Joey ended up giving his rose to Celine and cutting Shaz loose — she wasn’t mad about it — since Shaz was “the horse whisperer,” but Celine was “the horse you’re riding.”

Except Joey was back in the saddle the next day with — wait for it! — Maria.

Somewhere, Vay Paquette — the woman who coupled up with Joey and got insanely jealous of his “friend” Maria last season — is yelling, “I told you so!”

Joey had already admitted during the “Paradise bonfire” that he’d had past dalliances with both Maria and Nithisha. So that’s what Nithisha meant by going out with friends “and stuff.” Hell, the Bachelor Nation hookups at Stagecoach have nothing on this gang.

Maria herself described her connection to Joey as “a really complicated relationship.” But at least she was willing to kiss him — her first kiss in Paradise, no less — which is more than she was willing to do with either Quartney or Connor initially.

Speaking of those two rivals for Lisa Mancini’s affections, both still seemed to be in play in Tuesday’s episode.

American “Bachelorette” alum Quartney had spotted Lisa kissing better known “Bachelorette” alum Connor Brennan the day after Lisa and Quartney’s supposedly “incredible” date.

Was a pissed off Quartney going to withhold his rose from Lisa Mancini? Nah.

Quartney brought it up at the bonfire — more on that event later — and made his displeasure known to Lisa the next day. He even intimated that he might be “done” with Lisa and his rose was up for grabs.

Well, first off, Lisa is one of the season’s stars so you really think the producers would let her go home in the second episode? Secondly, Quartney’s backup plan was apparently Maria, but that fizzled pretty quickly when Maria dodged his kiss. So back to Plan A then?

As for Connor, he took Lisa for a walk, under Quartney’s watchful eye. But despite Lisa’s admiration for “handsome, charming, quirky, funny” Connor, she refused to make out with him.

Lisa was taken, so Connor Brennan tried his charm on Maria Garcia-Sanchez.

So Connor’s Plan B was . . . yep, Maria. Despite how “easy and fun and effortless” things were with Lisa, he found Maria “wildly attractive.” And she accepted his rose at the rose ceremony despite not smooching him beforehand.

The next day, however, the kissing-adverse Maria laid one on Connor — before pulling away and giggling, which seems to be her MO. “You’re very cute, Connor,” she said: not exactly a ringing endorsement, especially since Maria said in her ITM interview she was still in her head about Joey.

So let’s run down the other triangles and, in Cole’s case, quadrangles.

It wasn’t bad enough that ex-“Survivor” player Cole Medders was already torn between fan contestants Sam and Celine. Ex-“Bachelor” alum Rianna decided to make an 11th hour play for Cole.

I think in the game of football that’s called a Hail Mary, except in Rianna’s case it was more like a “no chance in hell.”

It was too little too late for Rianna Hockaday and Cole Medders.

Not that Cole didn’t like Rianna — he said she was “very much my type of person” — and when they kissed they were “in sync,” according to Rianna. But was that really enough to sway Cole from giving his rose to Sam? Nah.

For one thing, I suspect former “Big Brother Canada” contestant Sam is someone the producers want to keep around, partly for entertainment value, partly because there’s some drama brewing between her and Lisa.

Questioned by special guest Demi Burnett at that bonfire I keep mentioning as to whether anyone in Paradise was giving off “toxic vibes,” Sam chose Lisa, saying she gave “backhanded compliments.”

OK, sure Sam.

So let’s talk about the bonfire and “Hurricane Demi,” whose arrival coincided with a storm in Paradise — or that’s how it was edited.

Some umbrellas and cushions blew around; a Muskoka chair caught fire; Demi’s top blew apart: “My titties are flailing,” she said.

But the “Bachelor in Paradise” alum’s arrival and the bonfire she presided over with host Sharleen Joynt were less hurricane than tempest in a teapot. Let’s move on.

We haven’t really talked about the rose ceremony yet, which came in the middle of the episode. We already know where Joey’s, Quartney’s, Connor’s and Cole’s roses went. Austin’s went to Chelsea Vaughn, no surprise there. Matia’s went to Meagan. And Garrett’s went to Nithisha.

Fans Shaz and Linda Charlie joined Rianna on the boat to nowhere. Sorry ladies. I’m pretty sure, unlike last season’s “Bachelor in Paradise” U.S., nobody’s being brought back to the beach and, even if they were, I’m afraid it wouldn’t be any of you.

With the power of the rose switching to the women, it was time to bring some new men to the resort. And along came “Big Brother Canada” alum Godfrey Mangwiza and U.S. “Bachelorette” alum Edward Naranjo (Michelle’s season), with date cards in hand naturally.

Nithisha Ketheeswaran was feeling it with “Bachelorette” alum Edward Naranjo.

They chose Lisa and Nithisha, respectively, to go on an ASMR date, which stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. Basically the women were in one sound booth, the men in another, and they whispered and made sound effects into microphones shaped like ears that travelled into the headphones of their dates.

Godfrey said ASMR is “on the line between sexy and weird,” which sounds about right. But whereas Godfrey found Lisa’s sound effects “cute,” Edward found sexual chemistry in Nithisha’s.

So no new competition for Quartney then, but Garrett, who knows Edward from Michelle’s season? Well, hmmm, Nithisha was already vibing with Edward over the fact he seemed to like camping and hiking as much as she did. When they sat down for drinks and he whispered, “I would really love to feel your lips” into her ear in Spanish, it was “Garrett who?”

Yes, there was mucho smooching, although Nithisha failed to volunteer that information when she met up with Garrett later. In fact, she said she didn’t feel “a spark” with Edward, that she was thinking of Garrett the whole time and she was almost certain Garrett was the “right one” for her.

Girl, what?

The truth about the smooch was outed when Joey asked Edward at the bar, in front of Garrett, if he had kissed Nithisha. Her response to Garrett when he confronted her: “If you’d asked me I would have said yeah.” Oh dear.

I feel for her, I do.

Nobody should be getting all that possessive at this stage of the game, but Nithisha probably should have ‘fessed up about the kiss to Garrett on her own. But where would be the fun in that for the producers, I guess?

Next week, cute animals! And holy hell, is that Lisa kissing Cole? Also, a new guy named Jake walks in and seems to have the women’s hearts aflutter.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise Canada: Joey and Lisa return as stars

Joey Kirchner makes his entrance on the “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” Season 2 premiere. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Citytv

I know we just finished with the coronation of King Charles III in England, but is it too early to crown a king and queen of the lake?

That was a rhetorical question. “Bachelor in Canada Paradise” finally premiered its second season on Monday with a couple of Canadians as the undisputed stars.

Yes, fan favourites Joey Kirchner and Lisa Mancini are back and they’re ready to play. (And they’ve got a nicer spot to play in, now that production has moved to the Christie’s Mill Inn and Spa in Port Severn, Ont.)

Joey strutted in, pecs and biceps popping, running his fingers through his now longish hair, like the reality TV star he has become. And Lisa, the show’s unofficial narrator, was her usual funny self and managed not to fall off her platform shoes or cry during the first episode, unlike last season.

Also, it seems doubtful that Lisa will get friend-zoned this year. Several men professed to be into her blue eyes, her cosplaying skills, and her appreciation for the video game “Overwatch” and Nintendo 64’s. But when Lisa got the episode’s first date card she chose Dallas dude and fellow “super nerd” Quartney Nixon from Katie Thurston’s “Bachelorette” season for some smooching and fireworks-watching.

Joey also got a date card and picked one of the “Bachelor Nation” fan contestants, Toronto model Shaz Gafoor, for a spin in a bright red Ferrari and some kissing. (Hold up, Joey got to drive a luxury car and Lisa got, um, a picnic with booze and snacks for her date?)

One question still to be answered: when you take the cowboy out of Alberta is he still a cowboy?

Joey stripped down to his Speedo. Looks like someone has been working out.

Joey turned up in cowboy boots, which he accessorized with a cowboy hat and a pair of black Speedos (the pink ones have been retired in a frame, as seen in the opening credits). But Texas nurse Rianna (Clayton Echard’s season) and Salt Lake City tech CEO Garrett (Michelle Young’s season) were skeptical of his cowboy bona fides.

I doubt Joey would care. And neither would the women, it seems, almost all of whom were angling to be his date, especially Winnipeg flight attendant Celine, who showed up in cowboy boots of her own, and Stouffville fan Nithisha, who said she and Joey had hung out with friends in Toronto.

Nithisha, it seems, gets around. She had also, ahem, hung out with Connor “The Cat” Brennan of “Bachelorette” and American “Paradise” fame after sliding into his DMs.

“Did you hook up?” a producer asked.

“Possibly,” said Nithisha. So yes, then.

But Connor wasn’t interested in rekindling anything of a romantic nature, saying he didn’t feel “a magic spark” with Nithisha.

Squirrel-loving St. Catharines “mermaid” Lisa Mancini was the belle of the beach.

He was sparking — for now anyway — with Lisa, saying that Quartney was too strait-laced for her and she needed someone who could “match her level of weirdness.”

And don’t feel sorry for Nithisha getting friend-zoned. Before she started drooling over Joey she was smooching it up with Garrett.

The thing is: nobody is particularly serious about anybody at this point. There is no joined-at-the-hip Brendan and Illeana situation going on so far — and it’s not like that worked out particularly well last season.

So let’s see, we had Lisa kissing both Quartney and Connor; California “Bachelorette” alum Austin (Katie’s season) laying lips on both Brooklyn model Chelsea (Matt’s season and “Paradise”) and Yellowknife fan Linda; and then there was Cole Medders.

The ex-“Survivor” player and professional rock climber was the hottest thing on the beach next to Joey and soon found himself in a lust triangle with Celine and Sam, who bonded with Cole over their ADHD. They also have past reality TV experience in common since Sam, a Newfoundlander, was on “Big Brother Canada.”

Sam could very well become a new “Paradise” fan favourite. She gives good quip in her ITMs. But it looks like there’s a rocky road ahead for her and Cole.

The episode’s other hook-up involved Matia, a cocky former pro hockey player from Toronto whom Lisa pegged as a “cabana douche babe” and “f-boy,” with Vancouver fan Meagan. But Meagan deduced her heart was going to get hurt, a good guess since the season promo appeared to show Matia kissing Maria.

Remember her? The Colombian-born clothing designer who was the target of Vay’s wrath in Season 1 for being friends with Joey?

Oh well, it’s “Paradise.” Best not to take it seriously, not at this stage anyway.

The episode ended with one of those tired “a storm is coming” cliches and Demi Burnett, ex of “The Bachelor” and two rounds of “Bachelor in Paradise,” showing up at the resort, apparently with a date card in hand.

Look, I thought “Hurricane Demi” was a spent force after her second go-round on U.S. “Paradise,” so I’m not sure what she’ll add by stirring the pot, as she claimed, on this side of the border. I guess we’ll see.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Watchable is on hiatus

Dear readers:

I posted the first Watchable list on April 29, 2020, just over a month into the COVID-19 pandemic.

At the time, not only was the entire world upside down, my professional world was in disarray. I had just been moved from my role as the Toronto Star’s deputy editor of Entertainment (now renamed Culture) to a new editing desk and it appeared I would no longer be allowed to write about TV for the Star.

As stated at the top of this blog page, I love television. I have loved it ever since I was a kid watching “The Brady Bunch” and “The Partridge Family” (luckily, my tastes have evolved since then). The idea of no longer being able to write about it was incomprehensible, so I started this blog with the idea of posting weekly reviews and occasional interviews, and keeping my hand in the game.

The interviews didn’t really materialize because the Star decided to keep using my services as a part-time TV writer, but I kept up the weekly reviews, missing very few weeks over the last three years.

I did this by working seven days a week: five days as a full-time editor and part-time writer for the Star, screening and writing about shows for this blog pretty much every Saturday and Sunday.

It’s been a labour of love, an exhausting one but manageable.

That is no longer the case. I am back in the Star’s Culture department, where I have taken on more responsibility for both the writing and assigning of TV stories, and that means my work for the Star sometimes bleeds into my weekends.

I realized over the last couple of very busy weeks that I can no longer carve out the time to give the Watchable list the attention I feel it deserves.

I had hoped to go out with a bang rather than a whimper with one last good list, but I barely had time to fit in four episodes of “Dead Ringers” (April 21, Prime Video, which would have been the Show of the Week) and a couple of “SLIP!” (April 21, Roku, which would have been a Short Take).

Television will continue to be a huge part of my life. I will still be watching as many new shows as I can manage, but I’ll be writing about them exclusively in the Star, at least for the next while.

I still plan to recap shows in the “Bachelor” franchise here, however, so check back May 9 for a post about “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

Until then, happy TV watching!

Watchable on Prime, Netflix, Paramount April 9-16, 2023

SHOW OF THE WEEK: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (April 14, Prime Video)

Alex Borstein as Susie and Rachel Brosnahan as Midge in “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy of Prime Video and Philippe Antonello

I’m breaking my own rule and making a show I couldn’t review (embargoed till Wednesday) a show of the week, but you like what you like. And I have liked “Mrs. Maisel” very much since I belatedly began watching it after the second season came out.

You have no doubt heard that this fifth season is the final one, which means Miriam “Midge” Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan) is focused on getting her career to the next level, after getting told off by Lenny Bruce (the also marvellous Luke Kirby) at the end of Season 4 for wasting opportunities after the Shy Baldwin tour disaster.

Despite having seen the first five new episodes, I can’t tell you how Midge goes about putting things right without breaking the embargo. But if you have seen the trailer, you already know that talk show host Gordon Ford (Reid Scott, “Veep”) is part of the season. And that the character played by Milo Ventimiglia (“This Is Us”) is back.

And it goes without saying that the regulars who have contributed so much to “Mrs. Maisel” have returned, including Tony Shalhoub (Abe), Marin Hinkle (Rose), Michael Zegen (Joel), Kevin Pollak (Moishe), Caroline Aaron (Shirley) and especially the brilliant Alex Borstein, who plays Midge’s manager, Susie.

The season debuts with three episodes on Friday and then rolls out weekly until the series finale on May 26.

Short Takes

Video footage of Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev as seen in “American Manhunt: The Boston Marathon Bombing.” PHOTO CREDIT: Netflix

American Manhunt: The Boston Marathon Bombing (April 12, Netflix)

Sometimes a true-crime series is gripping even though you already know the outcome (or can easily google it). Such is the case for this one, which documents the hunt for the two men who set off pressure cooker bombs near the finish line of the annual Boston Marathon, killing three people and injuring 281 others. But first this series from Floyd Russ (“Zion”) and Tiller Russell (“Night Stalker: The Hunt for a Serial Killer”) establishes what the marathon means to the city of Boston and sets the scene of the picture perfect day when all hell quite literally broke loose five hours into the race. And then, hour by hour, the series paints a detailed picture of the investigation into the terrorist attack, from the chaotic minutes after the two bombs went off to the chaotic minutes and hours after the suspects were tracked to a quiet Watertown neighbourhood four days later. The record includes archival video footage, photos, police radio calls, news coverage and fresh interviews with police and FBI agents, bombing survivors, the man they carjacked, people who knew the bombers and more.

For reality TV fans, Netflix has “Love Is Blind: The Live Reunion” on April 16.

Ava Louise Murchison and Mason Blomberg in “Jane.” PHOTO CREDIT: Apple TV+

Jane (April 14, Apple TV+)

Apple TV+ has been quite gung ho about promoting this kids’ series and since it’s from a Canadian company, Sinking Ship Entertainment, was shot in Alberta and stars a bunch of Canadians, the least I could do is give it a look. Toronto native Ava Louise Murchison stars as the Jane of the title, an extremely imaginative young girl who wants to follow in the footsteps of her hero Jane Goodall — the scientist and conservationist known for her pioneering work with chimpanzees — and help save animals and the planet. Fittingly, Jane’s companions on her mission are a stuffed chimp named Greybeard, her friend from the next apartment over, David (Mason Blomberg), and that imagination I mentioned. Thus Greybeard comes to life and Jane and David appear to interact with animals like polar bears. Naturally, there are adults who don’t always understand what Jane and David are up to, including her single mother Maria (Tamara Almeida) and her grumpy neighbour (Paul Sun-Hyung Lee of “Kim’s Convenience”). The child stars are sweet without being too cloying and you’ve got to love any show that has Paul Sun-Hyung Lee in it, right? The point, of course, is that children watching the series will learn something about animals and the very serious crisis our planet is in. And real-life experts weigh in, like Canadian underwater explorer Jill Heinerth in the first episode. Surely we can all learn something from the words of Goodall, which the young Jane lives by: “Only if we understand, will we care. Only if we care, will we help. Only if we help, can they be saved.”

Apple also has “The Last Thing He Told Me” (April 14), which stars Jennifer Garner of “Alias” renown as a woman who has to solve her husband’s disappearance with the help of her somewhat hostile stepdaughter.

Waco Aftermath (April 14, Paramount+)

I didn’t watch the original “Waco” miniseries in 2018, so I can’t say how this sequel compares, but it features some of the same actors, most notably Michael Shannon as FBI negotiator Gary Noesner. I watched only one episode of this new one, not enough to give it a full review. My first impression was that it jumps around quite a lot, starting with the 1994 federal deposition into the 1993 siege in Waco, Texas, also known as the Waco massacre, in which four ATF agents and 82 members of the Branch Davidian religious group were killed. It also covers the trial of five surviving Branch Davidians, including Clive Doyle (John Hoggenakker); flashes back to 1981 when Vernon Howell (Keean Johnson), who later changed his name to David Koresh, first joined the group at Mount Carmel; and looks at the armed militias that grew in the wake of Waco, including one Timothy McVeigh (Alex Breaux), a.k.a. the Oklahoma City bomber. The series debuts just five days short of the 30th anniversary of the end of the siege.

Paramount also has the South Korean series “Yonder” (April 11), about a man who reunites with his late wife; and the documentary “Personality Crisis: One Night Only” (April 14), which looks at David Johansen, singer with the legendary New York Dolls.

Odds and Ends

Bill Hader in Season 4 of “Barry.” PHOTO CREDIT: Merrick Morton/HBO

I know how beloved the Emmy-winning comedy “Barry” is, so I know the debut of its fourth and final season on April 16 (10 p.m., HBO/Crave) is an event. Alas, I never got caught up on “Barry,” which is sometimes the case when there is just so damn much to watch, so it wouldn’t have been fair for me to review this new season.

Crave also has the much acclaimed Jordan Peele horror film “Nope” (April 14); Season 2 of “Blindspotting” (April 14, 9 p.m., Starz via Crave) and Season 2 of docuseries “100 Foot Wave” (April 16, 8 p.m., HBO via Crave).

Look, I know how hard it can be to get Canadians to give a crap about Canadian TV and movies — although one would hope that’s going out of style a bit now that Canadian productions are getting global acclaim. But if you’d like to cheer on the home team you can watch “The Canadian Screen Awards With Samantha Bee” (April 16, 8 p.m., CBC/CBC Gem) which, as I understand it, will be a sort of hybrid interview/awards show celebrating CSA winners.

The Disney+ offerings this week include Jeremy Renner’s reality show “Rennervations” (April 12), in which he and other celebs rebuild vehicles to benefit communities around the world, for instance, by turning a delivery truck into a mobile water treatment facility. This was no doubt filmed before Renner’s New Year’s snowplow accident. If you are into the Kardashians, which I most decidedly am not, “Til Death Do Us Part Kourtney and Travis” (April 13) features the luxury wedding of one of the kids.

YTV and STACKTV have preteen show “Popularity Papers” (April 10, 6 p.m.) based on the Amy Ignatow books.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Watchable on Netflix, Paramount, Apple April 3-9, 2023

There is no show of the week this week, readers. I was so busy editing and writing stories for the Toronto Star, including my review of “Stranger Things: The Experience” and my assessment of the charms of “Succession,” I didn’t have time to do my usual amount of screening. But herewith I give you some . . .

Short Takes

Steven Yeun as Danny and Ali Wong as Amy in “Beef.” PHOTO CREDIT: Courtesy of Netflix © 2022

Beef (April 6, Netflix)

I watched only three episodes of this comedy drama, not enough to give it a full review but enough to know that Steven Yeun and Ali Wong are brilliant in it. They’re two strangers who get into a road rage confrontation on what is already a bad day for both of them. He’s Danny, a contractor struggling to make a living and fulfil his dream of bringing his parents back to the United States from Korea; she’s Amy, an entrepreneur with a husband and daughter and a big house in Calabasas but no work-life balance. They are clearly not bad people, but neither can let go of their loathing for the other over the road rage incident so they keep upping the ante of their outrage. But what becomes apparent is that they probably have more in common than they’d be willing to admit as unhappy people trying to tamp down their sadness while putting on a front for the rest of the world. The series was created by Lee Sung Jin and features a largely Asian cast, including Young Mazino as Danny’s younger brother Paul and Joseph Lee as Amy’s husband George. It’s worth noting this is Yeun’s first recurring, live-action TV role since “The Walking Dead” (RIP Glenn).

Tricia Fukuhara as Nancy, Marisa Davila as Jane, Cheyenne Isabel Wells as Olivia and Ari Notartomaso as Cynthia in “Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies.” PHOTO CREDIT: Eduardo Araquel/Paramount+

Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies (April 6, Paramount+)

I previewed this show back in January at the Television Critics Association press tour and was so captivated I had planned to write a feature about it, but other stuff got in the way. It’s a prequel to the beloved 1978 movie that starred John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, set four years before the film, and putting a feminist and LGBTQ-friendly lens on the 1950s. But please don’t think that means it isn’t any fun. From what I saw, and admittedly it wasn’t a lot, the song and dance numbers are wonderful and so is the main cast. Tricia Fukuhara, Marisa Davila, Cheyenne Isabel Wells and Ari Notartomaso play students who all, for one reason or another, run afoul of the rigid cliques and hierarchies of their high school and decide to deal with their ostracization by forming a girl gang.

Paramount also has the movie “80 for Brady” (April 4), which people seemed to go gaga for at the box office.

Schmigadoon! (April 7, Apple TV+)

One of the reasons I enjoyed “Rise of the Pink Ladies” so much is because I love musicals, which is also a reason I loved Season 1 of “Schmigadoon!” The good news is that after sampling a couple of episodes of Season 2 I’m still loving it. Keegan-Michael Key and Cecily Strong are back as Josh and Melissa, only they’re now married. But worn down by the grind of work and infertility, they set out to find Schmigadoon, the magical place where they tested and affirmed their love in Season 1 with the help of musical theatre tropes of the 1950s and ’60s. Instead, however, they find themselves trapped in Schmicago, where the musicals aren’t so sunny (think “Chicago,” “Cabaret” and “Sweeney Todd”) and nobody’s offering them any corn puddin’. The same musical theatre vets who made Season 1 really sing (pun intended) are back in new roles. Alan Cumming might break your heart as a cleaver-wielding butcher a la “Sweeney Todd.” Aaron Tveit is a “Hair”-like hippie who takes Josh under his wing. Kristin Chenoweth is wrangling ill-behaved orphans “Annie” style. Dove Cameron is a Sally Bowles-like cabaret singer and Ariana DeBose the joint’s Emcee. Jane Krakowski steals every scene she’s in as a Billy Flynn-like lawyer. And Tituss Burgess is an inspired addition to the cast as a “Pippin”-ish narrator. And that’s not all. But don’t take my word for it, go ahead and watch. You’d pay a heck of a lot more to see all these very talented people on Broadway.

Apple also has “Boom! Boom! The World vs. Boris Becker” (April 7), a two-part documentary by Alex Gibney about the former tennis great.

Quentin Plair and Kathryn Hahn in “Tiny Beautiful Things.” PHOTO CREDIT: Jessica Brooks/Hulu

Tiny Beautiful Things (April 7, Disney+)

As with “Grease,” I sampled this show in January and haven’t had a chance to screen more episodes since. But Kathryn Hahn who, let’s face it, is good in everything, brings prodigious heart to the role of Clare Pierce, a woman who seems to be screwing up everything in her life — including her job, and her relationships with her husband Danny (Quentin Plair) and daughter Rae (Tanzyn Crawford) — when she takes on the Dear Sugar advice column from a friend. The show is inspired by the book by Cheryl Strayed, who was the real-life Dear Sugar. Other notable performances come from Sarah Pidgeon as the young Clare and Merritt Wever as Clare’s mother.

Disney also has “The Crossover” (April 5), a family-friendly drama about father and son basketball players; and “The Pope: Answers” (April 5), a Spanish special filmed in Rome in which Pope Francis spoke with 10 young adults about subjects like racism, LGBTQ rights and the role of women in the Church.

Odds and Ends

Eric McCormack as Basil Garvey in “Slasher: Ripper.” PHOTO CREDIT: Cole Burston/Shudder

There is some fine Canadian talent in the fifth season of the horror drama “Slasher,” entitled “Slasher: Ripper” (April 6, 9 p.m., Hollywood Suite), including Eric McCormack, Lisa Berry and Thom Allison among others. It’s set in the 19th century but, instead of a killer named Jack, the “Widow” is taking revenge on the rich and powerful with Detective Kenneth Rijkers (Gabriel Darku) trying to stop her.

Super Channel also has “Tehranto” (April 8), a romance movie set in Toronto’s Persian community.

This week’s Prime Video releases include the film “Gangs of Lagos” (April 7), its first African original movie, and the Guy Ritchie flick “Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre” (April 7), which despite the diminishing returns for Guy Ritchie movies attracted Jason Statham, Hugh Grant, Aubrey Plaza and more to the cast.

Finally, TVO has the documentary “Tripping Train 185” (April 7, 7 p.m.), which takes viewers on a journey from Sudbury through the wilderness of the Canadian Shield on one of North America’s last Budd rail cars. And my apologies to the publicist for not getting to this one.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Bachelor finale recap: Another woman sacrificed to drama

Zach Shallcross waits on a beach in Thailand to do what everyone knew he was going to do all along. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

So ABC, can we finally cut the crap?

The (un)reality series “The Bachelor” had a “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” moment on Monday’s season finale, very nearly openly revealing just how much of a sham it is.

That it did so at the expense of a brokenhearted woman is to its producers’ shame, as well as ours for going along with the nonsense season after season after season.

To no one’s surprise, even those of us who don’t read the spoilers, Zach Shallcross proposed to Canadian nurse Kaity Biggar in the episode, sending Vermont account executive Gabi Elnicki home — but not before Gabi called him out for stringing her along.

Gabi reacts to being told she’s not the one for Zach.

As she stood on the proposal platform in Krabi, Thailand, getting the “I’ve been falling in love with you, but . . . ” speech from Zach, Gabi made him stop: “I’ve known it was coming,” she said of the breakup. “What I don’t know is why you didn’t tell me when you knew.”

Zach claimed that he didn’t “fully” make his decision until the night before in bed, but Gabi interrupted: “You’ve known, you’ve known.”

And there’s the crux. Sure, Bachelors can compartmentalize, they can have feelings for multiple women, but don’t tell me that with a potentially life-changing decision like a proposal on the line they wait until the last possible moment to make up their minds.

The “I can’t decide between two women” conceit is a fiction that Zach agreed to uphold as part of making a TV show. Gabi laid bare the toll it takes on the woman who, in her words, is “strung along” for the sake of sticking to the formula.

“I never thought someone who said they were falling in love with me would make me go through that,” Gabi told host Jesse Palmer after she watched the debacle in front of a studio audience.

“That last day, when you prepare a speech and you have hours and hours and hours of interviews, and you get ready and you spend all morning waiting and waiting and waiting, and I remember having the thought in the back of my head, ‘Zach would never make you go through this.’

“Even though I had that gut feeling of (not being the one) I didn’t think somebody who cared about me would make me go up there, and go through all of that stress and anxiety, and just the entire day just to — I mean I felt humiliated.”

But Zach made her go through it; Zach played the game.

And that wasn’t even the worst of the betrayal.

Gabi told Jesse that until she watched the fantasy suites episode she didn’t know Zach had told “everyone” about them having sex, a decision they had agreed was going to be just “between us.”

“So for me to see that, it was beyond a TV show for me,” Gabi said crying. “I feel ashamed from a moment that felt like love to me.”

She added, “I thought it was love, I thought it was more than a TV show. I get it, sex sells, but now I’ve become a narrative and it’s really painful . . . it’s a part of me that I’ll never get back that I shared with him and it’s extremely violating that the entire nation knows everything.”

Gabi lays out her pain for Zach on the “Bachelor” finale.

And what did Zach have to say for himself? Not much.

Time was short because the finale was on a schedule but, hey, we really, really needed to have Sean and Catherine Lowe in the hot seat so Sean could pretend that, yes, Zach had a tough choice to make, even though Sean and everybody else knew he’d made it weeks ago. Also, so “The Bachelor” could once again trot out its only real success story in 27 seasons. It’s funny, though, that Sean gives God more credit for his life with Catherine than “this sometimes silly reality TV show.”

But back to Zach. He told Gabi there was no excuse for the way he handled things, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, he was sorry from the bottom of his heart, etc.

It was a variation of what he said to Ariel Frenkel when she took him to task earlier for not telling her he’d had sex with Gabi — she didn’t find out until she watched the episode — and for arbitrarily making sex a no-go when he and Ariel had their fantasy suite date.

Ariel was her usual poised, mature self talking to Zach.

“I want to know why the other women were given grace and honesty and I wasn’t given that respect,” Ariel said to applause and cheers.

Also, “by putting sex off the table you made the entire week about sex” — which, no doubt, was the producers’ intention.

“I want you to understand you also took away my agency . . . You took away my ability to even have a conversation. If you had waited you would have found out I was on the same page as you” about not having sex that week, Ariel told Zach.

I have nothing but good things to say about Ariel and Gabi, who were both done dirty by a franchise that has proven over and over again that it will sacrifice anybody’s well-being, particularly women’s, if it means creating a juicy plot line.

But they weren’t the only women disrespected on Monday.

Sure, Kaity got the “prize,” engagement to Zach, but ABC also did her a dirty by upending the usual order of things, by interspersing the “After the Final Rose” interviews with footage of the events in Thailand instead of leaving “ATFR” to the final hour like they did in the old days.

Zach pops the question to Kaity in Thailand.

How were viewers supposed to enjoy the emotional and, for Zach and Kaity, joyous proposal just minutes after we watched Gabi pour out her anguish onstage?

Once the seemingly genuinely happy couple were together in the hot seat, Zach told Jesse, “When I saw her at the last chance date, I saw her and I thought to myself, ‘It’s you, it’s always been you,’ and I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman.

“And obviously, the show, had to wait it out a little bit, couldn’t say anything. I just knew she was my wife.”

And since Gabi’s last chance date came after Kaity’s, or at least was presented that way in the episode, it certainly puts the lie to all that “I didn’t make up my mind till the night before the proposal” nonsense, doesn’t it?

What else can I say? Kaity and Zach said they’re moving in together in Austin, Texas, in the summer and hope to get married in 2025. I wish them well. I hope they make a go of it.

The episode ended with a sneak peek of Charity Lawson’s “Bachelorette” season as we watched her brother, Nehemiah, turn up at the mansion and put on a disguise so he could become the “undercover brother” and find out more about the men.

Frankly, given the franchise’s overall level of disrespect, I think it will take more than a caring brother to protect her from the drama that will be inflicted on her in her season.

Will I continue recapping “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”? I’m not sure right now that I have the stomach for it, but I’ve been here before and got sucked back in. I will definitely be back in May to follow “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

You can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Watchable on Apple, Netflix March 27 to April 2, 2023

SHOW OF THE WEEK: The Big Door Prize (March 29, Apple TV+)

Gabrielle Dennis, Chris O’Dowd and Djouliet Amara in “The Big Door Prize.” PHOTO CREDIT: Apple TV+

Skeptics vs. believers, realists vs. dreamers: the small town of Deerfield is divided between the two when a strange blue machine that looks like a photo booth suddenly appears in the general store, spitting out cards for a couple of quarters that promise to reveal the user’s life potential.

Actually, it’s far from an even split. Most of the town goes gaga for the Morpho — named after and bearing the symbol of a butterfly — and changes their lives accordingly: everything from taking up relatively harmless hobbies to drastic decisions like quitting jobs, ending marriages or jumping willy nilly into new relationships.

Dusty (Chris O’Dowd), the high school history teacher, doesn’t understand the compulsion to alter lives because of words on a blue card but can’t avoid the temptation to get a card of his own. But the result is far from comforting — especially when his wife, Cass (Gabrielle Dennis), reveals a card that suggests a destiny far loftier than Dusty’s.

The machine also brings unease to Dusty and Cass’s daughter, Trina (Djouliet Amara), who has a guilty secret involving her dead boyfriend Kolton, killed in a car crash, whom the rest of the school has canonized as an “angel.” Nor is it of much comfort to Kolton’s twin, Jacob (Sammy Fourlas); to Cass’s mother, Izzy (Crystal Fox), the mayor of the town; or to Father Rueben (Damon Gupton), the high school chaplain.

And what is the Morpho? A magic trick? A scam? Divine intervention? What does cynical bartender Hana (Ally Maki) know about the machine that everyone else doesn’t?

Those questions are never answered, but the machine undergoes a transformation at the end of the 10 episodes that makes it clear a second season is planned.

The questions the Morpho cards raise aren’t ones that you need a machine to help you ask: Who am I? Am I doing what I’m meant to do with my life? How well do I know the people around me? How well do I know myself?

But they’re also questions that are unlikely to get asked when the status quo seems to be working.

Irish immigrant Dusty, for instance, who just turned 40, seems to have the world by the tail when the series starts: a happy marriage, a family, a job he seems to enjoy and to be valued for in a friendly community. But when cracks start to appear in that facade it’s clear they’ve been there for a while and been papered over in the interests of getting on with life.

The Morpho gives people permission to colour outside the lines, whether that’s Principal Pat (Cocoa Brown) buying a Harley and marrying a man she’s known for a week, or storeowner Mr. Johnson (Patrick Kerr) launching a second career as a magician.

But it also brings on sometimes painful self-reflection as when restaurant owner Giorgio (Josh Segarra) acknowledges that he peaked 20 years ago and has been pumping himself up ever since on past glories.

Still, I wouldn’t want to give you the impression this show is a downer. It has moments of genuine humour and of connection between the characters.

O’Dowd and Dennis give a winning portrayal of a couple who geuninely love each other even if they don’t know one another as well as they thought. Segarra is both annoying and endearing as the bombastic Giorgio. And Amara and Fourlas strike the right notes as teenagers who blend heart with snark.

This is series creator David West Read’s first TV project as a writer and producer since the Emmy-winning “Schitt’s Creek.” And it’s one that aims for the brain as well as the heart.

Apple also has the film “Tetris” (March 31), about the popular 1980s video game.

Short Takes

Streams Flow From a River (March 28, 9 p.m., Super Channel Fuse)

A family of Chinese immigrants who run a laundromat manage to reconnect despite shared hurts and hardships. No, I’m not talking about the Oscar-winning “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” but about this six-episode web series by Christopher Yip. The queer Chinese-Canadian writer and director made the series with an all-Asian lead cast and writers room, the first digital series to debut as part of the Canadian Film Fest. It follows the Chow family: father Gordon (Simon Sinn), mother Diana (Jane Luk), daughter Loretta (Danielle Ayow) and son Henry (Liam Ma). When Gordon has a stroke, Loretta and Henry return to the small Alberta town where they grew up and helped their parents run a combined liquor store and laundromat. Forced to stay together in the family home when a snowstorm closes highways, they all revisit past conflicts and disappointments before eventually finding a new way to co-exist. The Canadian Film Fest also includes nine feature films and 25 shorts airing on Super Channel Fuse from March 28 to April 1.

Dr. Jose Prince, director of pediatric surgery at Cohen Children’s Medical Center in “Emergency NYC.” PHOTO CREDIT: Netflix © 2023

Emergency NYC (March 29, Netflix)

The sight of a tiny, premature baby having surgery to push her liver and intestines back into her belly is enough to make your heart flip, but it’s also one of the success stories in this fascinating docuseries from Adi Barash and Ruthie Shatz, the same team behind the docuseries “Lenox Hill,” which followed four doctors at New York City’s Lenox Hill Hospital. Some of those docs are back in this show, which expands to follow staff at Lenox Hill, Lenox Health Greenwich Village, Cohen Children’s Medical Center and North Shore University Hospital, as well as nurses, technicians and paramedics who transport the patients via ambulance and helicopter. The common theme as the series jumps from hospital to hospital, from case to case, is the dedication of these health-care professionals, whether they’re dealing with a 29-year-old opera singer with a huge blood clot in her brain, a 17-year-old boy shot at a party, or a homeless man who had neck surgery and has nowhere to be discharged to. Their jobs have become harder post-pandemic (as they have for medical professionals all over the world): people who stayed away from hospitals during lockdowns are showing up in even worse shape; violence is increasing in the city; already gaping disparities between haves and have-nots are widening. The social issues can’t help but bleed into the exam and operating rooms, but it’s the medical issues that keep you glued to the screen. No matter how graphic the surgeries, how painful the conditions, how sad some of the outcomes, the series is absolutely life-affirming.

Netflix also has “Unstable” (March 30), a comedy series starring father and son Rob and John Owen Lowe as a father and son at a bio research company; South Korean film “Kill Boksoon” (March 31), about a single mother assassin; movie sequel “Murder Mystery 2” (March 31), with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston as private eyes; and the WWII film “War Sailor” (April 2).

Odds and Ends

Classic animated series “Raccoons” is returning to TV. PHOTO CREDIT: Corus

The nostalgia factor is high for the return of animated series “Raccoons” after 32 years, debuting March 27 at 3 p.m. on Boomerang. The Canadian show featuring raccoons Bert, Ralph and Melissa; aardvarks Cyril, Cedric and Sophia, and sheepdog Schaeffer first aired in the late 1980s and early ’90s, and has been restored in 4K from the original hand-drawn, cel animation film.

Paramount+ appears to be trying to remake the fashion competition show with “The Fashion Hero: A New Kind of Beautiful” (March 31), which has “diverse” contestants of all ages working in teams to complete “character-building” challenges with coaches and guest mentors. Eventually one will be named the face of an international brand campaign. Paramount also has Season 2 of “Queen of the Universe” (March 31), a musical drag competition show featuring queens from different countries.

Prime Video has “The Power” (March 31), in which teenage girls around the world develop the ability to electrocute people and things at will and, having been a teenage girl once, I find this terrifying.

Sorry to say I didn’t get a chance to screen the third season of “Staged,” debuting on BritBox March 28, but given how funny David Tennant and Michael Sheen were playing versions of themselves in the first season, I’m willing to give it a go.

I had a quick peek at “The Dreamer” (March 30, Viaplay), a period drama inspired by the story of Karen Blixen, the Danish author immortalized in the 1985 movie “Out of Africa.” In the series, Karen (Connie Nielsen) has returned to her mother’s estate after the failure of her coffee plantation in Kenya, the death of her lover, Denys Finch Hatton (Lochlann O’Mearain), and her own suicide attempt.

Hollywood Suite is featuring films about or by women on March 30, including “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” “The Witches of Eastwick” and “The Virgin Suicides,” curated by indie director of the moment Chandler Levack of “I Like Movies” fame.

And finally, CTV Life Channel and Crave have the docuseries “Evolving Vegan” (March 30, 8 p.m.), in which actor Mena Massoud (“Aladdin”) explores the vegan food scene in Los Angeles, Austin, Mexico City, Vancouver, Portland and Toronto.

NOTE: The listings here are in Eastern Standard Time and I’ve verified the times where possible, but it’s always best to check listings for your own area. The selection of programs reviewed reflects what I’m given access to by networks and streamers, whether reviews are embargoed, how many shows I have time to watch and my own personal taste. The Odds and Ends section includes shows that I have not watched.

Bachelor recap: Zach says no, then yes to sex and blabs about it

Kaity, Ariel and Gabi wait for Zach Shallcross to hand out the roses on “The Bachelor.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

Do you remember the good old days of “The Bachelor” when what happened in the fantasy suites stayed in the fantasy suites?

Yes, it was all nudge, nudge, wink, wink, doors closing and lights going out, to give the impression that the Bachelor was doing the horizontal mambo, but nobody was bonking and talking back then so we didn’t end up with scenes like we had Monday night where Zach had sex with one woman and felt compelled to tell another woman about it.

At first glance it seems like a ridiculous — and yes, selfish — thing to do and I’m not saying it isn’t. But it also seems like absolute confirmation that Kaity Biggar will be the last one standing after next week’s season finale.

After all, Zach told host Jesse Palmer that “everyone” needed to be aware that he had broken his no-sex vow with Gabi Elnicki, but it sure looked like Ariel Frenkel went home without knowing bupkis about Zach and Gabi’s night in the sack.

If that was indeed the case — and it wasn’t just the editing out of a conversation — then Zach clearly wanted to fess up specifically to Kaity so she wouldn’t be blindsided after he proposed to her.

Hold that thought while we examine how we got into this mess.

Zach lays down the fantasy suite law with Jesse Palmer: No sex!

It started with Zach having the much promoted conversation with Jesse about how there would be “no sex of any kind” in the fantasy suites, which in and of itself raises questions. So no second or third base then?

He said having sex could “muddy the situation” and that was “not how a healthy engagement should start.” But then, couldn’t you just have sex only with the woman you planned to propose to? So many questions.

Also, Zach confirmed he did not have sex with Rachel Recchia in their fantasy suite, not that I’m surprised. Jesse talked about how Zach “got your heart ripped out of your chest” on that overnight and Zach acknowledged that he learned things about Rachel that night “for the worse.” And we would all love to know what that means.

But never mind, it was time for Zach’s overnight date with Ariel. And let’s be honest: we knew he was going to have a whoopsie on one of this dates and we figured it was going to be with her.

Ariel and Zach check out a Thai night market before spending the night together.

I mean the woman is hot. Plus Zach kept talking in his voice-over about their physical chemistry: “When I kiss Ariel my body just gets hot, omigod, turn on the AC please.”

But despite Ariel eating bugs with the man at a night market in Thailand and sharing that she was falling in love with him, there was no boom in the room, just some making out in their private pool.

A still chaste Zach left Ariel in her adorable pyjamas after they fed breakfast to each other.

And then it was Gabi’s turn and she was in her head, as they say.

Did Zach and Ariel really pass right by her window on their way to dinner, with Ariel in that amazing strapless dress? I don’t know, but even a ride to a private island in a pirate ship during her date couldn’t lift the cloud of Gabi’s self-doubt.

She told Zach that getting the second fantasy suite date was stressing her out. She even left him alone on the beach to cry to a producer that she felt disgusting and ugly.

Having cried and sweated her makeup off, Gabi lays it on the line for Zach.

“I was never good enough in my previous relationships. I was not enough and I was cheated on. I was chosen second,” she told Zach.

But Zach told Gabi that things were “special” with her and reassured her so tenderly I began to think maybe she was going to be the last one standing after all, especially given the way they kissed and cuddled each other in bed the next morning.

The “cuddle sesh” to which Gabi alluded turned out to be a euphemism, however.

Zach spilled the beans to Jesse: he and Gabi had sex.

“I feel terrible because I’ve essentially gone against my word,” Zach said.

He added, “I think every woman needs to be at least aware of what actually happened this week because I don’t want there to ever be any secrets,” as Jesse tried to keep the look of incredulousness off his face.

Did Zach really need to tell Kaity or anyone else though? I mean, it would be an elephant in the room down the road for sure. I’m just not convinced the right time to get honest was before he and Kaity got anywhere near their own fantasy suite.

Nor was Gabi pleased when Zach paid a visit to her room before his date with Kaity to say he was going to be “fully transparent” with everyone else about what she thought was just between them.

Oh yeah, and Zach told Gabi he was falling in love with her, to add another layer of confusion to the proceedings.

But there was Kaity, excited about spending all day and night with Zach.

Zach and Kaity paddle the mangrove forest before the waters got rough.

We’ll leave aside the fact that Zach’s talk about “full transparency” coincided with him and Kaity paddling a glass-bottomed boat through the mangrove forest. And speaking of coincidence, Zach came clean to Kaity during a rain shower while thunder rumbled in the background. And is there money in the “Bachelor” budget for those kinds of special effects?

Zach didn’t name names but told her he had been “intimate.”

And she reacted . . . exactly how you would expect her to react. “Crushed” was the word she used. It’s not that she didn’t realize Zach might have sex with someone else, but she didn’t want to hear about it and I’m with her on that.

Zach tried to patch things up by telling Kaity he could see it being “us” at the end and she was “so special,” and he found it hard to see her upset.

“Like, what did you expect Zach? Do you think I was gonna be like yay?” Kaity asked.

Well, duh. Zach finally seemed to start clueing in that honesty isn’t always the best policy, “Catholic guilt” notwithstanding.

Still, despite Kaity saying she felt distant from him and wondering aloud how she would spend the night with him after his revelation, she kept touching him throughout their conversation. So it wasn’t a shock when Kaity showed up for their fantasy suite and declared that relationships weren’t “always rainbows and butterflies” and they would get through this.

If there was any sex during their overnight, nobody was saying boo about it.

There’s not much to tell about the rose ceremony. It was obvious even during last week’s hometowns that Ariel was the odd woman out.

Zach walked her to the waiting van, telling her she was “the most intriguing, interesting, beautiful, respectful, mature, intelligent woman I’ve ever met.”

And we were treated to the rather bizarre sight of Kaity basically telling Gabi she knew she’d had carnal knowledge of the man they were both hoping to snag. This show, honestly.

“I feel like I’m wearing like an A on my chest. Scarlet letter over here,” said Gabi, and I’m pretty sure she was referring to the 1850 Nathaniel Hawthorne novel “The Scarlet Letter” and not the 2010 Emma Stone film “Easy A.”

Gabi wasn’t feeling all that chuffed about having a rose, especially since Zach avoided making eye contact with her.

How will it all turn out in next week’s “stunning” finale, to use Jesse’s word? Probably exactly how we expect with some bumps along the way.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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