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Tag: fantasy suites

Bachelor recap: Zach says no, then yes to sex and blabs about it

March 21, 2023 /
Kaity, Ariel and Gabi wait for Zach Shallcross to hand out the roses on “The Bachelor.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos but screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

Do you remember the good old days of “The Bachelor” when what happened in the fantasy suites stayed in the fantasy suites?

Yes, it was all nudge, nudge, wink, wink, doors closing and lights going out, to give the impression that the Bachelor was doing the horizontal mambo, but nobody was bonking and talking back then so we didn’t end up with scenes like we had Monday night where Zach had sex with one woman and felt compelled to tell another woman about it.

At first glance it seems like a ridiculous — and yes, selfish — thing to do and I’m not saying it isn’t. But it also seems like absolute confirmation that Kaity Biggar will be the last one standing after next week’s season finale.

After all, Zach told host Jesse Palmer that “everyone” needed to be aware that he had broken his no-sex vow with Gabi Elnicki, but it sure looked like Ariel Frenkel went home without knowing bupkis about Zach and Gabi’s night in the sack.

If that was indeed the case — and it wasn’t just the editing out of a conversation — then Zach clearly wanted to fess up specifically to Kaity so she wouldn’t be blindsided after he proposed to her.

Hold that thought while we examine how we got into this mess.

Zach lays down the fantasy suite law with Jesse Palmer: No sex!

It started with Zach having the much promoted conversation with Jesse about how there would be “no sex of any kind” in the fantasy suites, which in and of itself raises questions. So no second or third base then?

He said having sex could “muddy the situation” and that was “not how a healthy engagement should start.” But then, couldn’t you just have sex only with the woman you planned to propose to? So many questions.

Also, Zach confirmed he did not have sex with Rachel Recchia in their fantasy suite, not that I’m surprised. Jesse talked about how Zach “got your heart ripped out of your chest” on that overnight and Zach acknowledged that he learned things about Rachel that night “for the worse.” And we would all love to know what that means.

But never mind, it was time for Zach’s overnight date with Ariel. And let’s be honest: we knew he was going to have a whoopsie on one of this dates and we figured it was going to be with her.

Ariel and Zach check out a Thai night market before spending the night together.

I mean the woman is hot. Plus Zach kept talking in his voice-over about their physical chemistry: “When I kiss Ariel my body just gets hot, omigod, turn on the AC please.”

But despite Ariel eating bugs with the man at a night market in Thailand and sharing that she was falling in love with him, there was no boom in the room, just some making out in their private pool.

A still chaste Zach left Ariel in her adorable pyjamas after they fed breakfast to each other.

And then it was Gabi’s turn and she was in her head, as they say.

Did Zach and Ariel really pass right by her window on their way to dinner, with Ariel in that amazing strapless dress? I don’t know, but even a ride to a private island in a pirate ship during her date couldn’t lift the cloud of Gabi’s self-doubt.

She told Zach that getting the second fantasy suite date was stressing her out. She even left him alone on the beach to cry to a producer that she felt disgusting and ugly.

Having cried and sweated her makeup off, Gabi lays it on the line for Zach.

“I was never good enough in my previous relationships. I was not enough and I was cheated on. I was chosen second,” she told Zach.

But Zach told Gabi that things were “special” with her and reassured her so tenderly I began to think maybe she was going to be the last one standing after all, especially given the way they kissed and cuddled each other in bed the next morning.

The “cuddle sesh” to which Gabi alluded turned out to be a euphemism, however.

Zach spilled the beans to Jesse: he and Gabi had sex.

“I feel terrible because I’ve essentially gone against my word,” Zach said.

He added, “I think every woman needs to be at least aware of what actually happened this week because I don’t want there to ever be any secrets,” as Jesse tried to keep the look of incredulousness off his face.

Did Zach really need to tell Kaity or anyone else though? I mean, it would be an elephant in the room down the road for sure. I’m just not convinced the right time to get honest was before he and Kaity got anywhere near their own fantasy suite.

Nor was Gabi pleased when Zach paid a visit to her room before his date with Kaity to say he was going to be “fully transparent” with everyone else about what she thought was just between them.

Oh yeah, and Zach told Gabi he was falling in love with her, to add another layer of confusion to the proceedings.

But there was Kaity, excited about spending all day and night with Zach.

Zach and Kaity paddle the mangrove forest before the waters got rough.

We’ll leave aside the fact that Zach’s talk about “full transparency” coincided with him and Kaity paddling a glass-bottomed boat through the mangrove forest. And speaking of coincidence, Zach came clean to Kaity during a rain shower while thunder rumbled in the background. And is there money in the “Bachelor” budget for those kinds of special effects?

Zach didn’t name names but told her he had been “intimate.”

And she reacted . . . exactly how you would expect her to react. “Crushed” was the word she used. It’s not that she didn’t realize Zach might have sex with someone else, but she didn’t want to hear about it and I’m with her on that.

Zach tried to patch things up by telling Kaity he could see it being “us” at the end and she was “so special,” and he found it hard to see her upset.

“Like, what did you expect Zach? Do you think I was gonna be like yay?” Kaity asked.

Well, duh. Zach finally seemed to start clueing in that honesty isn’t always the best policy, “Catholic guilt” notwithstanding.

Still, despite Kaity saying she felt distant from him and wondering aloud how she would spend the night with him after his revelation, she kept touching him throughout their conversation. So it wasn’t a shock when Kaity showed up for their fantasy suite and declared that relationships weren’t “always rainbows and butterflies” and they would get through this.

If there was any sex during their overnight, nobody was saying boo about it.

There’s not much to tell about the rose ceremony. It was obvious even during last week’s hometowns that Ariel was the odd woman out.

Zach walked her to the waiting van, telling her she was “the most intriguing, interesting, beautiful, respectful, mature, intelligent woman I’ve ever met.”

And we were treated to the rather bizarre sight of Kaity basically telling Gabi she knew she’d had carnal knowledge of the man they were both hoping to snag. This show, honestly.

“I feel like I’m wearing like an A on my chest. Scarlet letter over here,” said Gabi, and I’m pretty sure she was referring to the 1850 Nathaniel Hawthorne novel “The Scarlet Letter” and not the 2010 Emma Stone film “Easy A.”

Gabi wasn’t feeling all that chuffed about having a rose, especially since Zach avoided making eye contact with her.

How will it all turn out in next week’s “stunning” finale, to use Jesse’s word? Probably exactly how we expect with some bumps along the way.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

More pain in the fantasy suites as Bachelorette doom awaits

September 7, 2022 /
“Bachelorette” stars Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia. The smiles might be deceiving.
PHOTO CREDIT: Gizelle Hernandez/ABC

Is this chaos what happens when you give people — well, OK, men — choices?

The men of “The Bachelorette” were given a choice of two women and now some of them are choosing to blow up the order of things.

Oh, trust me, I know how ridiculous it is to expect people to get engaged after mere weeks of acquaintance under the most unnatural of circumstances, but this is what we expect from “The Bachelorette.”

I’m not even going to broach the conditioning involved in being this invested in the heteronormative, gender role-reinforcing spectacle of a man getting down on one knee, but this is what we demand as Bachelorette fans: the catharsis of crying happy tears as people who didn’t even know each other eight weeks before pledge their undying love with a hunk of crystallized carbon. Sure, they’ll probably break up soon, but we’ll always have Mexico or wherever the hell they are.

Except host Jesse Palmer has raised the spectre of Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia being denied their hard-fought happily-ever-afters. So shocking is what we’re supposedly going to see next week that he had to take a few minutes to gird us at the end of the episode while standing in an empty studio.

“You will all bear witness to the crazy controversy that’s about to ensue,” he said. “So take some time, get yourselves ready and prepare yourselves for the most shocking finale of all time.”

Good lord, what is going on?!?

Well, let’s take stock. Monday night, we watched Gabby cut Johnny loose since he wasn’t ready to get engaged and Jason bailed on her Tuesday night. Not only did he not want to propose; he didn’t want Gabby in any capacity. But Erich was still there and, after he and Gabby professed their love for each other, it seemed like one happy ending had come early. But wait, was that Erich in the promo saying he didn’t want to get engaged either?

And what of Rachel’s men? As she went into the rose ceremony Tuesday it seemed that Zach was about to get the heave ho after a troubling fantasy suite date. But Tino was the clear front-runner anyway, except the promo showed Tino saying he wanted out, Rachel arguing with Aven and an unseen somebody being accused of going back on their word.

Maybe it won’t be so shocking after all, especially since it seemed clear from Night 1 that this season was never truly about giving Rachel and Gabby romantic redemption.

Buckle up, I guess.

Tuesday’s episode began with Gabby’s date with Jason. Despite all the fun and games of tennis and splashing around the pool together, we knew that Jason had a bomb to drop at dinner and drop it he did.

Not only was he not ready to get engaged, he wasn’t even sure he could see a future with Gabby outside the “bubble” of the show. But still, Jason dangled the possibility of a “serious relationship” once the cameras were banished from their lives. So Gabby threw caution to the wind and took him to the fantasy suite.

The unslept-in bed told the story. There was no fantasy in the suite, just conversation that went nowhere and Jason deciding there was no chance for him and Gabby. She at least nominally got to send him home and to tell him, “I truly just want you to realize I’ve been led on.”

And she was. It seems mighty suspect, given Jason’s discomfort with the process from the get-go and his ambivalence about getting serious with Gabby during his hometown, that he’d wait until almost the very end to share these doubts. But wait he did.

Jason claimed he finally got “clarity”; Gabby got her heart broken.

“What is it about me that’s so hard to love?” she sobbed.

Speaking of clarity, maybe we’ll get some next week about what went on between Rachel and Zach.

They went from a lovey-dovey day in some Mexican town — hats! mariachi! Day of the Dead figurines! cricket snacks! — to Zach showing up teary-eyed at Jesse’s door the morning after.

According to Zach, he and Rachel were like two strangers once the cameras were off and Rachel seemed to put on a front, stridently suggesting that Zach’s age — he was 25 to her 26, although he seems older to me — meant he wasn’t ready to commit.

It’s tempting to think Rachel was looking for an excuse to push Zach away without actually dumping him. She did tell Gabby, after all, that she wasn’t “there” with Zach despite claiming in her date voice-over that she was falling in love with him.

But we didn’t get Rachel’s side of the story so we don’t really know. Zach had just pulled her away from the rose ceremony to talk when Jesse cut in with his warning about Bachelorette Armageddon.

Meanwhile, Gabby had cancelled her own rose ceremony and gone to Erich’s suite, where he was wondering if he’d blown his chance with her after his freakout about her maybe sleeping with other men.

Naw.

“You have taught me it’s OK to feel safe and wanted and loved in maybe a way that I haven’t and you’re the only one left,” Gabby told Erich. “I do know that I love you.”

Awwwww. The warm, sappy feelings engendered were almost as good as a proposal. Gabby declared Erich “the love of my life,” a love that will apparently be put to the test next week.

You won’t be able to watch it Tuesday on Citytv, but you can tune into ABC at 8 p.m. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

The fantasy becomes a nightmare for Gabby on The Bachelorette

September 6, 2022 /
Rachel Recchia and Gabby Windey toast to the fantasy suite dates to come.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

After watching Monday’s fantasy suites episode of “The Bachelorette” — excuse me, the first of two fantasy suites episodes — it’s hard to see how we’ll end up with a “shocking ending nobody is gonna see coming,” as per host Jesse Palmer.

Let’s start with Rachel.

She told Gabby within the first minutes of the episode that she wasn’t “there” with Zach and presumably will share that information with him on tomorrow night’s date. She told Aven she was falling in love with him but was already exchanging “I love you’s” with Tino — his parents’ hostility notwithstanding — so it would take one hell of a twist for her not to end up engaged to Tino.

(Mind you, the conspiracy theorist in me can imagine the producers flying Papa Joe to Mexico to slow Tino’s roll.)

As for Gabby, well, Johnny was clearly there for a good time, not a long time, and left sans fantasy suite. And Jason, who hadn’t had his date yet, told Jesse what he already told his mother during hometowns, that he wasn’t ready to get engaged. That would seem to leave Erich as the last man standing — assuming he gets over his jealousy about Gabby’s other overnight dates. And if Jason tells Gabby sooner rather than later that he’s “not quite” falling for her, there won’t be any other overnights for Erich to obsess over.

But I know, I know: this is “The Bachelorette” we’re talking about, and the editing can make black look white and up seem down, so I suppose anything’s possible.

In the meantime, as we slog our way to the finish, let’s recap.

First off, Gabby and Rachel reunited in the Riviera Maya for some Champagne and girl talk. The main point of this, besides reminding everyone which men were still hanging around, was to allow them to bring up the week on Clayton Echard’s season when “everything went haywire,” in Rachel’s words.

“I never want to make anyone else feel the way that we did,” Gabby said.

“We get to rewrite what this week means and make it into something positive,” Rachel said.

But does anyone ever get to rewrite fantasy suite week? I don’t see how, unless they refuse to play the stupid “I’m falling for three men/women at the same time” game.

Gabby had the first date, with Erich.

Erich Schwer helps Gabby psych up to jump off a “lovers’ leap.” The sign says: “Love gives you wings.”

I can only assume Erich really is (or was) into Gabby since he left his dying father behind to be with her in Mexico.

They certainly seemed very close as they cavorted and smooched at a “lovers’ leap,” so much so that Gabby told Erich, “I wish I could crawl inside you” and what the hell does that even mean?

He told her later over an uneaten charcuterie board that he loved her and she repeated what she said at hometowns, that she was falling in love with him. Then they headed off to the fantasy suite — and can we please stop pretending the fantasy suite cards are a surprise? — to “really feel each other’s love,” in Gabby’s words.

The next morning came one of the longest goodbyes in fantasy suite memory as Erich lingered, conflicted about the idea of Gabby spending the night with other men. Gabby seemed conflicted too, about whether she wanted to be engaged to Erich, although she did say in her voice-over she thought she was in love with him.

Next up was Rachel’s date with Aven and it was a perfectly generic overnight date.

Aven Jones and Rachel chill on a yacht.

There was a yacht with a hot tub; there was Champagne and smooching; there was talk about how much Rachel and Aven had grown on their journey. And I’m sorry, I like Aven, but it all felt kind of rote to me.

Rachel and Gabby had made much ado about how they didn’t want to carelessly throw around the word “love” like Clayton had. But Rachel told Aven that, knowing how much the word meant to him, she was comfortable telling him she was falling in love with him too.

It was the only overnight on Monday’s episode in which we actually saw the couple in bed together the next morning; clothed, but still.

“It’s definitely really important to explore your physical connection and Aven is the full package — the full package,” Rachel said with a twinkle in her eye, laughing.

Can’t wait for Tino’s parents to watch that.

And speaking of Tino, his date was next up. We already knew how hard he was jonesing to see Rachel since we’d been subjected to footage of sad Tino saying how gut-wrenching it was to have to wait around, knowing his girl might be sleeping with other men.

He even got a special visit from Jesse so he could moan about it some more and also so Jesse could bring up the hometown from hell with Tino’s parents. Since there was so little suspense in Monday’s episode, we had to be led to believe that Tino’s hometown was so scarring for Rachel that she might not be able to get past it.

Rachel on her date with her potential Mr. Forever, Tino Franco.

And listen, it’s not that I’m saying that hometown wasn’t awful. Tino’s folks totally disrespected Rachel, especially his father. But I also expected exactly what happened to happen: which was that after Tino told her that he loved her (once again circumventing conversation about his parents’ rudeness) and she said it back — so much for not throwing the word around — Rachel bought into his assurance that his family would come to love her too.

I’m not personally convinced they will, but perhaps that’s a topic for “After the Final Rose.”

In the meantime, we didn’t even get to see Rachel’s and Tino’s morning after because we had to rush onto a boat ride with Johnny and Gabby.

Gabby clearly thought Johnny was hot, fine, but I was somewhat mystified by her assertion she could see a life with Johnny after the show. I don’t think anyone else could, including Johnny.

Whereas other men were talking about being or falling in love, Johnny said, “Gabby is the dopest girl I think I’ve ever hung with.” That says it all right there.

Johnny DePhillipo gives it to Gabby straight: no engagement for him, not on this show anyway.

When Gabby told Johnny straight up she was ready to get engaged, Johnny replied that was “a hard thing to think about,” even though he claimed he could see himself falling in love with her. But with proposal day just a week or two off, Johnny sensibly told the truth about not being ready and Gabby just as sensibly walked away without taking him to the fantasy suite.

(There are spoilers out there, not that I was looking for them, about Johnny coupling up with someone else on “Bachelor in Paradise.” Apparently ABC even ran a “Paradise” promo with Johnny in it before we’d watched him break up with Gabby. Nice timing that.)

Gabby consoled herself with the thought that Erich and Jason were both ready for an engagement and . . . uh oh.

There was Jesse, like a harbinger of doom, paying a call on Jason.

“Do you feel like you’re falling in love with Gabby?” Jesse asked.

“I would say I’m not quite there just yet. I would say I have strong feelings toward Gabby,” Jason replied.

Sorry, son, but you don’t pass go on this show with mere strong feelings.

Jason Alabaster gives Jesse Palmer the goods about his inability to commit to Gabby.

It probably goes without saying but no, Jason could not see himself at the point of engagement in just two weeks.

But hey, Gabby still had Erich and . . . uh oh.

As Gabby was back in her suite, still brooding about Johnny, there was a knock and a note at her door: “I need to see you, I’ll be waiting on the bridge,” with no signature.

But what was initially an affectionate reunion with Erich ended with Gabby in tears, feeling ambushed.

Referring to the night they had just spent together, Erich said, “I’m now sitting here picturing the girl that I’m in love with doing that with somebody else. That kind of crushes me . . . I’m having a really hard time.”

“We talked about this off camera,” Gabby said tearfully. “Like, I feel like we were able to have an honest conversation about it in fantasy suites. So you brought me here to tell me it again.”

Erich insisted he hadn’t, but it went downhill from there. The episode ended with Gabby walking away from Erich, questioning whether Erich was her guy after all, and the “To be continued” chyron on the screen.

So where will it all end up? Who knows? Since we’ve seen promo footage of both Rachel and Gabby on proposal day, somebody must stick around to put a ring on it . . . or not.

It appears that Rachel will “blindside” Zach on tomorrow’s episode with her lack of fully developed feelings for him; ditto Jason with Gabby and that Gabby might skip the rose ceremony. Beyond that, I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t read spoilers.

You can watch Fantasy Suites Part 2 Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC. I don’t know when Citytv will air it. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Clayton bonks his way to a breakup on ‘The Bachelor’

March 9, 2022 /
Final three Susie Evans, Rachel Recchia and Gabby Windey ponder their fates on “The Bachelor.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos screen grabs

Monday’s fantasy suites episode of “The Bachelor” was like waiting for the train wreck that you knew was coming and, when it happened, it was worse than you thought it was going to be.

Not only did Clayton Echard tell his final three he was in love or falling in love with each of them, he also tried to have sex with all three of them. And when Susie foiled his plan by refusing to take Rachel’s and Gabby’s sloppy seconds (and thirds) Clayton turned into an entitled jerk right before our eyes.

As the episode ended, Susie was gone and distress was in store for Rachel and Gabby. We’ve known since before the season even started that Clayton was going to confess to having sex with both of them and, judging from the promos, their reactions to that are exactly what you’d imagine them to be.

Of course, we can’t pretend all the blame for Monday’s mess lies with Clayton.

It’s just too much of a coincidence that the one woman for whom Clayton having sex with someone else would be a deal breaker ended up getting the last of the three fantasy suite dates. I mean, I doubt producers stood over the beds urging Clayton and Rachel and Gabby to fornicate, but it was clearly what they hoped would happen.

Having the women stay together in the same suite, watching each other come back from spending the night with the same guy — particularly after Gabby said she was sorry “in advance” — was another nice bit of psychological manipulation.

And was it all Clayton’s idea to spread the L-word around so indiscriminately? Who knows?

The episode started with Clayton flying to Iceland, saying in his voice-over that he was falling in love with all of the women and might already be in love with Susie.

Obviously, a Bachelor claiming to be falling for multiple women is nothing new. It’s part of the Faustian bargain the leads make: they pretend to be racked with indecision about who to choose until the morning of the proposal.

But telling more than one woman you love them? Ask Ben Higgins and Arie Luyendyk Jr. how well that turned out.

I’ve always figured it was just play-acting, that the Bachelors knew weeks in advance whom they wanted to end up with. And if that was the case you would assume they wouldn’t go sampling the wares, so to speak, of the other two finalists.

So did Clayton really not know? Or is he just a horny guy who figured he’d never again get a free pass to sleep with multiple women?

Rachel and Clayton 400 feet beneath the surface of an inactive volcano.

His first date — a descent into an inactive volcano — was with Rachel. To be honest, I would have figured that for lust rather than love, given how incapable they’ve been of keeping their hands and lips off each other. But Clayton told Rachel he was falling in love with her at dinner. Then, after their night in the boom boom room, er, fantasy suite, he yelled “I love you too, Rachel!” as she bid him farewell from the balcony.

One down.

Gabby and Clayton spent the night in a yurt.

Next up was Gabby and they took a dune-buggy ride on a beach. Before checking into a yurt with floor-to-ceiling windows — let’s hope there were curtains to pull before they got busy — Clayton told Gabby he was falling in love with her and repeated it the next morning.

Two down.

Susie had been freaking out pretty much the whole episode, obsessing about what Clayton might be doing while alone with Rachel and Gabby. The producers even juxtaposed audio of her saying she was “spiralling emotionally” with video of her walking down a spiral staircase, because they just couldn’t help themselves.

“If I find out he’s falling in love with other women or he had become physically intimate with another woman, that would be devastating,” she said.

Clayton and Susie at the spa before the wheels came off.

So we had a pretty good idea of what was coming, even though the early part of the date, at the Sky Lagoon spa, went really well.

Clayton said his love for Susie was “on another level” and, at dinner, he told her how he felt.

Susie said she adored him in return, but she had “expectations I’m not willing to let go of.”

“Do you feel that same way with somebody else or have you, like, slept with another woman?” If so, “I think it would be impossible to move forward toward an engagement.”

The answer to both her questions was yes, but Clayton told Susie he was “the most in love” with her, which didn’t help.

He wanted them to go to the fantasy suite to talk things through. Susie said she was confused and walked away from the table.

By the time she came back to talk some more, Clayton Jekyll had turned into Mr. Hyde.

Susie said she felt awful and like she’d fucked everything up. Clayton just shook his head and told her she had “invalidated everything that we had.” If she really cared about him, she would try to work through it. And if sex with other women was a deal breaker, she should have told him that before fantasy suites, he said.

“I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore,” Clayton told her coldly. “You just dropped a bombshell on me. I don’t agree with it at all how you went about this. I think it’s BS. And we’re done.”

Clayton shows Susie the door, literally.

Susie kept trying to apologize as he walked her to the waiting SUV. In fact, he walked ahead of her, held the door as if she couldn’t get in the car fast enough, and told her he was going to find somebody who “will fight for me as much as I fight for them. You’re not that person.”

Like wow. There’s a lot to unpack there, as the saying goes.

I understand that sex is implied in the idea of fantasy suites (although plenty of Bachelors and Bachelorettes claim they just talked in theirs) and, with that in mind, ideally Susie would have shared her feelings about Clayton having multiple partners earlier.

But it wasn’t out of line for her to believe that if Clayton really wanted to be with her he wouldn’t mess around with someone else. She was well within her rights to set boundaries for herself that she would not cross. And Clayton acted like an asshole when he shifted all the blame for the relationship imploding onto her.

I suspect he’s going to find out next week that Rachel and Gabby don’t want to fight for him either.

In which case, what the hell have we wasted nine weeks of our lives for?

You can watch next week’s two-part finale Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Fantasy suites turn bros into foes and The Bachelorette is in love

December 15, 2021 /
From left, Nayte Olukoya, Joe Coleman and Brandon Jones await their fate on “The Bachelorette.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC.

Sorry Chris Sutton, but you know who sure seems to have it in the bag after Tuesday’s episode of “The Bachelorette.”

Michelle Young and her final three — Nayte Olukoya, Joe Coleman and Brandon Jones — went to Mexico for fantasy suite dates, but she told only one of those men she was already in love with him. That would be Nayte.

And yes, you’d be forgiven for thinking this takes the mystery out of next week’s finale, in which she’ll chose between Nayte and Brandon. Michelle’s feelings for Nayte were clearly more advanced, notwithstanding that she told Brandon she was “falling in love” with him.

Still, we’ve been promised a “shocking conclusion you’d never expect,” so I guess those of us who aren’t up on the spoilers will wait and see.

Her choice is between a man who says he’s never been in love before and whose own stepdad doubts he’s ready to get engaged, and a man who says he’s so ready you feel like telling him to slow his roll.

Brandon got the first date on Tuesday, which he interpreted as a sign of favour from Michelle. And he couldn’t wait to “literally rip out my heart, throw it on the table and say, ‘Just do what you want with it, because it only beats for you at this point.'”

Obviously, he didn’t “literally” do that, but figuratively? Oh yes, indeed.

That night, after their daytime horseback riding and beach smooching, he told Michelle he loved her three times before they’d even cleared the dinner table.

“I’m just so sick of keeping it in because I want you to know I will always, always put you first, always till I take my last breath I will put you first,” Brandon said.

That seems pretty intense for an “I’m still one of three guys left” date, but Michelle wasn’t put off by it.

She reiterated that she was falling in love with Brandon and told him she could see a future with him. “I’ve never met somebody who has made me feel so safe, has made my heart feel so safe. I’m really excited about that, I’m not gonna lie.”

Brandon feeds Michelle an empanada in bed.

They were still on the same page the next morning, even though Brandon shoved an empanada practically up Michelle’s nose, leading to a food fight in bed (ugh, the poor cleaning staff).

“We’re playful, we have so much fun together whether we are kissing, have empanada sliding down our faces or are having a heart to heart: this relationship seems like it has it all,” Michelle said.

One thing Brandon didn’t count on in his glee at getting the first date was the stress of having to sit in the hotel on the nights that Michelle had her other dates, picturing what she was up to with the other two men.

It’s a particularly mean tradition to have the final three all stay in the same suite so they can watch each other roll in the morning after they’ve spent the night with the Bachelorette.

Luckily, none of the men went into the gory details, but you could cut the tension with a knife. “Now we kind of went from bros to foes,” said Nayte.

Joe was the next bro-foe up for a date.

The narrative going in was that Michelle had to learn more about Joe to decide if she could picture a life with him. I’m not entirely sure how ziplining helps with that, but Michelle dug the fact that the normally reserved Joe screamed as he was doing it and showed his “goofy side.”

“Today was, I think, a big day for me because I saw the energetic, upbeat Joe; I saw the relaxed, adventurous side,” Michelle said. If you say so. She also called Joe a 1,000-piece puzzle “and I like puzzles.” Hmmm.

If nothing else, it was the most picturesque date. How can you beat the image of them smooching as the sun sets with a hungry horse nudging them?

Joe and Michelle seemed to vibe at dinner over their shared desire to make a difference in the world, which seemed like a good thing — until you recall she had a similar conversation with Matt James on their “Bachelor” date and they didn’t end up together either.

While Joe and Michelle were bonding, Brandon was back at the hotel quietly freaking out over the fact his woman was out with another man: “You kind of get into your head, thinking ‘Oh, maybe she’s already got the person picked out she wants to be with.'”

Well, yeah, duh, of course she does. The fiction that she’s still trying to decide between three men at this point is just a ridiculous requirement of the format.

Brandon might have taken comfort from knowing that when Michelle woke up with Joe the next day she told him, “I hope you know how much I care about you and how much you mean to me.” The thing is: Joe was already on the L-word train; Michelle was still on the platform.

Nayte, meanwhile, had correctly surmised that it was better to be last than first in the date order. “I would want, personally, my closest connection to be the last guy,” he told Brandon.

Nayte Olukoya was No. 1 in the soul-mate stakes.

Michelle validated that, as they enjoyed cruising on a catamaran, by saying in her voice-over, “When I’m with Nayte I feel how you’re supposed to feel when you’re with your soul mate, when you’re with your favourite person.”

But were her feelings for Nayte stronger than his were for her? Was he ready to get engaged?

Never one to beat about the bush, Michelle told Nayte at dinner, “So falling in love is one thing, being in love is another thing and then engagement is another thing. Which of those are you ready for?”

“I mean, all three,” Nayte said. “I know I trust myself, I trust you and I trust that I’m really falling in love with you.”

Good enough, off to the fantasy suite.

Nayte upped the ante the next morning, telling Michelle, “I’m falling in love with you, I’m in love with you.”

“I am definitely in love with you too,” Michelle replied.

After that, it was no surprise that Nayte was cocky as hell going into the rose ceremony — annoying but not surprising.

Brandon, on the other hand, seemed hella nervous, enough to pull Michelle aside before she could start handing out the roses.

It played well into the production tricks suggesting Michelle was going to send him home. In her voice-over she said she was going to break the heart of “someone who continued to put me first,” basically taking the words right out of Brandon’s mouth. And then she wiped tears from her eyes as Brandon told her, “I will be here for you regardless of what happens to me.”

We were also supposed to think that Brandon’s “Hail Mary,” as Nayte called it, had changed Michelle’s mind about who to send home. Not a chance. If you parse everything she said to Brandon and to Joe on their separate dates it was clear the latter was a goner.

And go he did, expressing his shock.

Michelle told Joe she was still falling in love with him and really had seen a future with him, and she cried an awful lot after his SUV drove away. So much for her “little slice of home.”

Next Tuesday, it’s the three-hour finale (ugh), with the promo suggesting that Michelle’s dad is worried about Brandon becoming jealous and her mom doubting Nayte’s readiness for an engagement, but you know how deceptive those promos can be. We’ll see what’s what next week.

You can tune in at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Fantasy (suites) & reality collide on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

December 5, 2021 /
The cast of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” ahead of the final rose ceremony.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

You know that melancholy feeling you get at the end of a summer vacation? You had a blast, but you’re about to head back to reality?

That was Sunday’s penultimate episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

With the season about to end, couples were folding like cheap tents and Camp Paradise was emptying out.

And what reward would we get for our nine weeks and counting of watching these Canadian and American singles mingle? Engagements perhaps?

One maybe; two if we’re really lucky, but the way the episode ended even fantasy suites were feeling like a stretch.

(And just a note, given the lack of “fantasy” accoutrements we glimpsed when Brendan M and Angela opened the door to theirs, perhaps the Canadian show needs to come up with a different name. Intimacy suites, maybe? Cut-rate fantasy suites?)

There was to be no happy ending for Stacy Johnson and Mike Ogilvie.

The wheels on the true love narrative started coming off even before the final rose ceremony when Mike told Stacy he wouldn’t feel right accepting a rose from her.

Of course, Mike had been accepting Stacy’s roses and vice versa since he first arrived in Week 3. He told Stacy she was “a gorgeous girl who’s an amazing personality” whom he liked a lot, but they agreed they weren’t where they needed to be emotionally with potential engagements just around the corner — although the subtext from Stacy’s perspective was that had more to do with Mike than with her.

She was in tears when she told the other campers she was leaving. “I deserve love. I deserve someone that knows what they want and knows what they have when they have it,” she said.

Amen to that. Sorry to see you go Stacy, you’re one of the good ones. Mike, hmmm.

No one else chose to forgo a rose and Angela’s, Kit’s, Lisa’s, Caitlin’s and Illeana’s were handed out in short order. Maria’s was the only question mark, although it wasn’t really.

Maria Garcia-Sanchez had both Josh Guvi and Karn Kalra vying for her rose.

Karn, who showed up just last week with a cocky confidence befitting his job as an actor, tried his best to wrest it from Josh, but Maria warned him, “It’s really hard to have a connection with someone you just met.”

She kind of just met Josh too, but she just met him sooner than Karn, plus Josh finally kissed Maria — though I’m not sure the reaction you want after you’ve laid a smooch on someone is for them to laugh loudly. (For the record, Maria tweeted Sunday she laughs when she feels nervous.)

Maria explained that she wasn’t as “open physically and romantically” as other people, plus the fact she got her rose from production rather than a man made her feel like “second choice” — that would actually be fourth choice if we’re counting the other women Josh had already kissed.

Nonetheless, Maria gave her rose to Josh, saying “the more I get to know Josh the more I like.” It was a good pick. Never mind Karn ungenerously saying, “Maria, you fucked up” as he departed.

The next day, with roses in hand and no new arrivals to disrupt the couples, it seemed like everyone could get on with exploring their connections, as they say, and then host Jesse Jones arrived and used the f-word. No, not that one: fantasy suites.

“Take this as the last opportunity to figure out if you’re both really looking to take things to the next level because, if not, you and your partner will be heading home from Camp Paradise today,” he said. Dunh dunh dunh dunh.

Is anyone surprised that Josh and Maria said no to a fantasy suite? Why would she want to spend the night with him when she didn’t even really want to kiss him? They went their separate ways, albeit expressing gratitude for having met each other.

Is there mutual squirrel appreciation in Connor Rogers’ and Lisa Mancini’s future? Guess we’ll see.

Likewise, Connor and Lisa felt a fantasy suite was too much pressure for their fledgling relationship and said they’d continue to figure it out away from camp. “See you soon,” Connor said after they hugged and kissed.

I wasn’t sure which way Alex and Kit were going to go considering how little we’ve seen of them together since their first date in Week 3. And that’s a shame because I think we missed out on a warm, respectful relationship. I love that Alex put glitter on his cheek to match the sparkle under Kit’s eyes and on her dress at the rose ceremony, for instance.

Too bad we didn’t see more of Kit Blaiklock and Alex Bordyukov during the season.

But when push came to shove, Kit told Alex she needed “to love myself more and be stronger on my own” to be the partner he deserved, so they’d be skipping the fantasy suite and parting ways.

Alex was disappointed, but he said Kit made Paradise “one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever been through . . . I’m happy I got to know such an incredible woman.”

Awwwwwwww.

With three couples down, it seemed like the remaining three were shoo-ins for fantasy suites.

Angela and Brendan M were the first to take Jesse up on the offer.

Turns out Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan are the strongest couple in Paradise, who knew?

They did a “memory lane” tour that included the two docks where they snuggled and watched sunsets and stars, the amphitheatre where they shared their first kiss and the bar stools where they first met.

They left out the cabin stairs where Brendan blew Angela off before he went on a date with Maria. Although, to be honest, the more I think about it the more that whole thing seems like a plot device cooked up by production.

Angela wrote Brendan M a letter in which she said that despite the “speed bumps along the way” — which, just to refresh your memory, included his flirtation with Stacy and her going on a date with Josh — “we always somehow make our way back to each other.”

“I genuinely feel as though I’m falling in love with you,” Brendan told Angela, as orchestral music swelled in the background.

“Really? I’m falling in love with you too, for real,” Angela replied.

Brendan also said he could see himself giving Angela a ring.

And then it was off to the, er, fantasy cabin where, instead of the high thread count linens, candles, rose petals and jacuzzis we usually associate with fantasy suites, we glimpsed what looked like plywood walls with a framed poster that said “Life is better by the lake.” Now, that’s what I call an aphrodisiac!

And what of the other Brendan, Scanzano, and his Day 1 sweetie, Illeana?

Illeana Pennetto was portrayed as having doubts about getting engaged to Brendan Scanzano.

I suspect they’ll end up in the fantasy suite, but production was doing its best to make it seem like a question mark.

They’d already said they loved each other but now, Illeana said, “logic needs to come into play.”

She’s not wrong. Cross-border “Bachelor” relationships don’t have a good track record (although it seems like Chicagoan Joe Amabile and Torontonian Serena Pitt are still together).

And while Brendan kept saying he wanted to do what made Illeana happy, she kept expressing doubts that they were on the same page as far as making things work outside Paradise. Whether those are doubt doubts or “production wants to make it look like we won’t end up together” doubts remains to be seen.

Still, Brendan S and Illeana seemed rock solid compared to Kamil and Caitlin.

Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens seemed unlikely to get to a fantasy suite after Sunday’s episode.

Those two have been Paradise exclusive since Episode 2, after they got their respective flirtations with Vay and Chris out of the way. But the episode ended with Kamil walking away from Caitlin in the midst of what seemed like a mini-meltdown.

As with any of the disagreements we’ve seen between Kamil and Caitlin, it can be hard to disentangle exactly what’s going on.

It started with Kamil saying he wanted to leave with Caitlin before the rose ceremony, let alone the fantasy suites — perhaps to avoid the awkward experience of not proposing to Caitlin in the finale the same way he didn’t propose to Annaliese on U.S. “Paradise”? I don’t know, just my speculation. But Caitlin wanted to spend more time with Kamil in Paradise, so he agreed to go to the fantasy suite after all, saying he didn’t want to dwell in the past.

So what went wrong? They started talking about the distance between New York and Toronto, and whether Kamil was good at texting and calling (he said he likes to keep his phone on silent), and things started going south after Kamil said he planned to FaceTime Brendan S every day, which seemed to make Caitlin a little jealous.

Kamil said it wasn’t a big deal: he just wanted to leave Paradise with Caitlin, but Caitlin wanted to have a post-Paradise plan in place.

Kamil said he felt like Caitlin was putting him in the “hot seat” and wasn’t behaving like the “sweet” and “gentle” person he knew. Um, gender stereotyping much?

“Right now it feels to me like you don’t even want to take this outside of here,” Kamil told her

“Quite frankly, I don’t know if I want to leave and work on anything if we can’t resolve it here,” Caitlin answered.

Saying that Caitlin seemed like “a totally different person” and that their conversation seemed like a “fucking prank or something,” Kamil walked away from a distressed Caitlin.

“I’m having flashbacks to my bad time in Paradise when I was sitting in the hot seat and the whole world hated me,” Kamil said. “It was like a nightmare that was unfolding in front of me and I can’t believe it’s happening for a second time.”

Well, boo hoo hoo to that.

On next week’s finale, besides more Kamil and Caitlin drama and Illeana continuing to express doubts about Brendan S, Brendan M and Angela look proposal-ready and there’s a spicy “After the Final Rose” on tap. The highlight of that — or the lowlight, if you will — is Joey saying that he found Vay “in the arms of another guy” at the wedding he took her to, and that she and her friends talked shit about him. Not cool, Vay, not cool.

You can watch it unfold Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget the final “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

3 fantasy suites minus 1 tent equals 2 Bachelor finalists

March 9, 2021 /
Matt James ended up with a final two on Monday night and I’m sure you can guess who one of them was. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

Here’s a “Bachelor” pop quiz for you about “fantasy suite” week. One woman got a spa day and then a night in a huge luxury suite; another woman got to make pottery with Matt James a la “Ghost” and enjoy a fireworks display from a tastefully appointed room; the other woman got to hike through the chilly woods, pitch a tent, roast marshmallows then spend the night in a small wood-panelled space.

Which one do you think got the short end of the stick . . . with burnt marshmallow attached?

Yes, Bri Springs’ misgivings about being the last one to get a rose two weeks ago proved to be prescient. Matt sent her home, keeping Michelle Young and Rachael Kirkconnell as his final two.

I’ll be honest: I was hoping he’d get rid of Rachael, as unlikely as that seemed.

I mean she whinged, moped and cried throughout much of the episode over the fact Matt was spending “intimate” time with the other two women, so I was hoping she’d melt down and send herself home. It’s what the producers encouraged us to think by showing promo footage two weeks ago of a teary Rachael saying she “can’t do this anymore” and a teary Matt telling Chris Harrison he didn’t know if he could do it anymore either. But guess what? We didn’t see either of those scenes in this episode.

Rachael goes into next week’s finale as the clear favourite to get engaged to Matt and as Matt very eloquently said after Serena Pitt dumped him: “It sucks to hear that.”

Maybe Rachael is a lovely human being; maybe she and Matt are perfectly matched, but she’s tainted as a contestant for many of us because of the controversy over her social media posts, the one that has, for now, cost Harrison his job (although he vows he’ll be back).

There’s also the fact she just seems so young to me, even though at 24 she’s the same age as Bri.

Before Monday’s dates kicked off, there was someone else Matt had to see: his father. In an emotional conversation, Matt and dad Manny both aired their hurts: the fact that Manny hadn’t been there for Matt as a child; the fact Manny’s own father was killed when he was 5; the fact Matt’s mom walked out on Manny over his cheating when Matt and his brother were 2 and 3.

“I remember growing up he’d come around every now and then, drop off some shoes . . . pizza. I didn’t need any shoes, I didn’t need pizza, I needed a dad,” said Matt with tears running down his face in a heart-wrenching confessional.

In the end, Matt and Manny seemed to make their peace, exchanging hugs and I love you’s and saying they wanted to be in each other’s lives.

Matt framed the conversation as one he needed to have to convince himself he wasn’t like his father and could commit to getting married, so I’ll take his word for it. He brought it up on each of his three dates.

Matt and Michelle check out the milk bath, part of their spa day.

Michelle, 27, was first up. She got a “traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa day,” which involved she and Matt soaking their feet in oatmeal, slathering each other with butter and taking a milk bath. Hey, supposedly it worked for Cleopatra.

Michelle is my favourite — if not to end up with Matt, at least to be the next Bachelorette — because she just seems so worthy: fun-loving but mature, warm and wise.

Take the conversation with Matt in which she talked about the importance not just of falling in love and being in love but of “staying” in love and how you had to plan ways to keep showing your love as life changed it. So smart.

Michelle told Matt she was in love with him. He did not say it back and when she repeated it in the morning his response was “Thank you for sharing that,” which did not inspire confidence considering he’d already told Rachael he was falling for her way before the fantasy suite.

On the other hand, Michelle didn’t have to strap on a heavy backpack and hike through the woods, then put up a tent and sit around a campfire, which is what Bri did. If you thought that tent was going to be Bri’s fantasy suite you’re not alone, but luckily she did get to sleep indoors albeit in a room that was more rustic than swanky.

Why did Bri and Matt have to put up a tent if they weren’t sleeping in it?

Nonetheless, Bri was ecstatic after spending the night with Matt. Like Michelle, she told Matt she loved him and was ready to get engaged. But Matt foreshadowed what was to come in his confessional when he said he could see a life with Bri but also that it was going to be hard sending someone home.

By the time Rachael’s date came around she’d convinced herself she was the one getting dumped. She was supposed to be throwing pottery on a wheel, but instead she was spinning herself into a funk.

I’m going to guess that, given how happy Rachael looks, this was taken after her talk with Matt.

She and Matt left the studio for a chat during which Rachael expressed her fear that Matt’s feelings for her had changed after his dates with Michelle and Bri. Not only did Matt bring up Rachael’s parachute mishap again and how much the thought of losing her had scared him, he said he had fallen in love with her. “I’m completely in love with you,” Rachael responded.

At dinner, Matt was practically bursting with excitement as Rachael told him she was “100 per cent completely ready” to have a life with him.

“Tonight, I’m just thinking about what life would look like with Rachael,” enthused Matt in his voice-over. “She’s smart, beautiful; she’s articulate, she’s sexy and everything she embodies, it’s incredible.”

It sure sounds like a done deal to me. The fireworks outside their window as they passionately kissed were like an exclamation point.

So it was obvious Rachael was getting a rose at the next day’s ceremony. And when Matt handed the first one to Michelle it was clear that Bri was done.

(Rachael is also Harrison’s favourite, it seems. He greeted her before the rose ceremony as Rach and told her it was “so good to see you.”)

Bri left tearfully but told Matt she couldn’t be upset or angry with him. At least we know that Bri’s mother, who promised to help mend her broken heart if things didn’t work out, will have her back. And she’s now free to join the Bachelorette race.

Next week we’ll go through the motions of seeing Matt pretend to choose between Rachael and Michelle. It looks like there’ll be tears all around.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

CLARIFICATION: I edited this Tuesday afternoon after reading a couple of other recaps that said Matt told Rachael he had “fallen” in love with her. I swear I heard him say “falling.” I even played that bit over again to double check, but when I listened again today with the volume cranked way up I did hear the word “fallen,” so yeah, sorry Michelle.

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