Bachelor recap: Tahzjuan tries to ‘bad bitch’ her way into season

Where does the “bad bitch” leave off and the “lame bitch” begin?

It seems like a valid question after watching Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor.” And it’s directed at the producers more than the women who are vying to win Zach Shallcross’s heart and/or a bump in their Instagram and TikTok followers.

I’ve got bad news for anyone hoping this episode would rise above the ennui that greeted the season premiere: there were three boring dates on Monday interspersed with several trumped up attempts at drama.

By and large the women who had survived the first rose ceremony seemed to be getting along, notwithstanding some of them comparing notes about whether Zach gave them tongue when they kissed him — nurse Katherine said Zach “likes the big tongue energy” and ewwww.

But obviously collegiality can’t be allowed to continue, not on this show. So a little surprise was cooked up to unsettle the women on the first of two group dates.

On the cringe scale the date was probably about a six or seven. Luckily no one had to sing or write poetry or, heaven forbid, smell anyone’s armpits.

The women — Brianna, Brooklyn, Katherine, Mercedes, Bailey, Davia, Cat, Genevie and Kylee — were driven to what looked like an empty strip club where rapper Latto (currently in the news for selling her panties on eBay) told them she was looking for some “bad bitch energy for Zach.”

So what does bad bitch energy mean in the Bachelor world? Uh, dancing around a bit; putting on funny hats and wigs, and gyrating some; making speeches about a time in their life that they were bad bitches, which the Urban Dictionary tells us is a confident, independent woman. Ironic no? Since “The Bachelor” has a knack for turning women into insecure, hot messes (I see you, Brianna).

The producers brought in some “bad bitch alumni” allegedly to inspire the group date contestants but mainly because they seem to think we’re all jonesing to see past competitors. So “Bachelor in Paradise” heat hater Tahzjuan Hawkins, “Paradise” villain Victoria Fuller and past “Bachelorette” winner (and skinny dipper) Courtney Robertson showed up to, well, not really do much of anything.

That is, until Tahz crashed the group date after-party, supposedly because she had taken such a shine to Zach — the “full package,” she called him — that she wanted to join the season.

And I’m sorry, but what?

Zach told Tahz he would think about it, a BS manoeuvre to freak the other women out while they waited to hear Zach’s decision. Tahz used that time to insult them, saying it was “painful to watch” some of them earlier in the day and they had missed their opportunity to really connect with Zach.

“You guys aren’t all gonna marry Zach,” Tahz said. Well, honey, you aren’t either.

The producers finally allowed Zach to return and cut Tahz loose. He then gave the group date rose to Katherine for, um, being the best kisser maybe?

That didn’t sit well with Brianna — America’s first impression rose winner — who was in her head about the fact she hadn’t yet got a rose from Zach.

We now know the real evil purpose of that “After the Final Rose” stunt, by the way. You thought it was meant to get viewers invested in the new season; turns out it was a tool to freak out the woman who won it.

Brianna cried in front of Zach and told him she considered going home since she didn’t think he cared if she stayed. He reassured her that he saw something in her and sealed it with a smooch — although considering how many women he was giving his “tongue energy” to, yeah, I’d be worried too.

Next up was Christina’s one-on-one with Zach and what’s that? Your aunt is a famous country singer, but you’ve never seen a helicopter in person? Whatever.

So to what fabulous destination was the helicopter ferrying them? Zach’s childhood home, you say? A belated birthday party for his mother with 20 of his friends and family? Fine, but can we please stop pretending these early meet-the-family dates have any significance?

Zach’s family seemed nice. Any woman with a pulse and an ability to string words into sentences would have done fine in that milieu.

The real point of the date was for Christina to tell Zach about her five-year-old daughter, Blakely May. We were meant to think this would be a dealbreaker for Zach but, like, ABC, you know we’ve already seen Christina in future episodes in the season promo, right?

So Zach blustered a little about how scary it was and how he didn’t know if he was ready to be a dad, but he gave Christina the rose because she was “showing me signs of someone I really want to spend a long time with.” Ringing endorsement, huh?

Finally, the last group of women — Jess, Charity, Gabi, Aly, Ariel, Greer, Kimberly, Anastasia and Victoria J. — got their date and they got ripped off . There was no daytime activity, at least none that we saw: it was straight to the after-party.

Zach said he wanted to get to know all the women as much as he could, although “get to know” seemed to be a euphemism for smooching them all as much as he could — or at least, that’s how it was edited.

The only in-depth conversation seemed to take place with Jess, who challenged Zach to tell her something only she would know. He confessed that he was born with a condition called pyloric stenosis, which Google tells me is a blockage between the stomach and small intestine, and wasn’t expected to live. That was why he was so close to his mom, Zach said, getting emotional, and why “I feel this crazy sense of, like, purpose; I’m here for a reason.” So don’t pretend you’re surprised that Jess got the date rose.

The other significant conversation involved Gabi, the Vermont woman who made him drink maple syrup on Night 1, to his evident distaste. It was significant because she had not yet talked to Zach, other than their brief out-of-the-limo interaction, and also because she treated the chat like she was a contestant on “This Is Your Life” instead of “The Bachelor,” word vomiting (her term) as much as she could about herself in a short amount of time.

She also told Zach she wanted to give him a nickname, suggesting Zacharius, Zachy Poo or Zachy, which seemed to go down about as well as the maple syrup. She also didn’t get a kiss, so it seemed Gabi would soon be back to visiting farmers markets and cooking with her mom.

But nice fake-out Bachelor! During the rose ceremony cocktail party, Zach and Gabi talked again. Zach told her she gave him “giddy butterflies in my stomach”; she then gave him peanut butter cups, which they attempted to eat “Lady and the Tramp” style, resulting in a chocolatey peanut butter smooch.

So, with Gabi sorted, it was Brianna’s turn to spiral.

She said she hadn’t slept the night before because of anxiety. But rather than blame Mike Fleiss and his henchpersons for giving her America’s curse of a rose, she focused her unease on Christina, saying Christina made a “mean comment” to her on the first night and “I didn’t realize how much it hurt me until now.”

Brianna, hun, take a breath. Christina’s “mean comment” was actually a compliment. She said, “You look beautiful and I hate you, JK,” which means just kidding. Which producer put this nonsense into your head?

Brianna confronted Christina and said the comment made her feel like “I didn’t know if this was gonna be a safe environment for me, not only to find love but to make friends” and I am really trying to keep my eyes from rolling.

Christina apologized, but Brianna still went to Zach and complained that someone had made her uncomfortable, without naming names. And Zach, who said he doesn’t like drama, didn’t want to know the name, but he also told Brianna she seemed to have “a lot of walls up,” and his conversations with her had felt “very strict and serious” rather than fun. Ouch.

So the moral of the story, ladies: if they offer you a chance to meet the Bachelor on “After the Final Rose,” say no.

Of course, this all meant that Brianna’s was the last name called at the rose ceremony, even though we all knew she was going to get one.

Zach also gave roses to Brooklyn, Genevie, Greer, Aly, Charity, Kaity, Gabi, Ariel, Anastasia, Kylee, Davia, Mercedes and Bailey, so 17 women are still in the hunt.

Alas, Cat went home, so we will be deprived of her wide-eyed facial contortions until “Women Tell All.”

Next week, Zach goes skydiving with someone; there’s a football group date and an overnight date (what, already?) with Kaity at a museum; and the house apparently gangs up on Christina.

You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv and you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo