The Bachelor recap: Night 1 tally, 4 nurses, 1 gravely wounded ego

The good news is that when the inevitable injury comes during a rough group date this “Bachelor” season there very well might be a nurse around to help with the first aid.

It seems to me we have never seen so many nurses in one cast before. Zach Shallcross kept all four of them around — neonatal nurse Genevie, ER nurse Kaity, registered nurse Katherine and postpartum nurse Kylee — when he handed out his 19 roses on Night 1 of Season 27 (holy hell, we’ve been watching this damn show for 27 seasons?).

Luckily, there were no injuries among the 30 hopefuls during that first all-night cocktail party — unless you count Madison’s wounded pride.

Good lord, but the “business owner” from Fargo, North Dakota, could not stop throwing herself at Zach or taking polite indifference for an answer.

First she dove onto Zach’s lap when she and some of the other women invited themselves onto Christina’s party bus (more on her later). Then Madison spent her one-on-one time wrapping an uncomfortable looking Zach in a scarf, toque and blanket because it’s cold in North Dakota (but not so much in Agoura Hills, Calif., in the fall when the show was filmed).

Since she didn’t get the kiss she was so longing for, Madison interrupted another woman’s time to double dip, making Zach do the Griddy with her — which looked as horrific as it sounds — and finally just grabbing his cheek and forcing a kiss, which went about as well as you would expect.

“The kiss felt wrong,” said Zach. No shit.

The underwhelming “peck” sent Madison into a crying jag. And there was more crying when she didn’t get the first impression rose — it went to Greer, a medical sales rep from Houston who lives in New York.

But Madison was not done humiliating herself. When host Jesse Palmer announced that the cocktail party was over, Madison interrupted his pre-rose ceremony chat with Zach to gauge Zach’s intentions AS IF THEY WEREN’T ALREADY STARING HER IN THE FACE.

” I don’t want to force things and I want things to come natural,” she told Zach, which was the opposite of what she’d been doing all night.

Zach let her down as gently as he could. “I’m sorry, I don’t see a future with us, but I still think you’re awesome,” he said as Madison’s smile froze on her face. After a hug, she went sobbing into the sunrise.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the debacle was the subtle shade Zach tossed at Rachel Recchia when, in his voice-over, he said he didn’t get the “honesty and clarity” he was extending to Madison in his “Bachelorette” experience.

So who did Zach vibe with?

Well, Greer, obviously.

Leaving aside the fact she talked about herself in the third person in her intro package — “Greer is bold, Greer doesn’t take shit, Greer is kind” — she bonded with Zach over their parents’ long marriages and their shared love of Houston, where Greer said she wants to end up.

She seems nice enough, although I do not for one second believe she brought Zach a cup of coffee, still hot, all the way from New York.

The coffee might not have been hot, but Greer’s kisses obviously were. Zach went in for two extended smooching sessions with her, to the discomfort of the other women, who insisted on watching.

He also puckered up for Bailey, a Nashville executive recruiter whose name he forgot when he met her on “After the Final Rose,” kissing her right out of the limo.

Speaking of limo entrances, none of them were exactly boffo, unless you count pig farmer Mercedes (ABC says she’s actually a non-profit case manager) showing up with an adorable porker named Henry, or content creator Christina, who is definitely trouble, being ferried in on a party bus.

Brianna, the Jersey City entrepreneur who won “America’s first impression rose” in a silly “ATFR” stunt, played the part by showing up in a red dress with roses on it, although she insisted to Zach she was there for his heart, not for the rose. I didn’t exactly feel sparks flying, so we’ll see.

There were definitely sparks with Kaity who, like Zach, lives in Austin. Sure she made an “everything’s bigger in Texas” dick joke, but then she told Zach she felt like “the luckiest girl in the world” sitting next to him, so of course he leaned in for a kiss.

At least single mom Christina, whose claim to fame besides her Instagram and TikTok videos is being the niece of country singer Barbara Mandrell, took Zach away from prying eyes for their smooch on the party bus. Unfortunately, that kiss was the only thing they agreed on in a flash-card compatibility questionnaire but, in Zach’s defence, dinosaurs vs. dragons, that’s a really hard call!

We already know Christina will raise some hackles later this season and has copped to being the woman in the promo clip sobbing facedown on some stairs.

Zach also laid some smooches on my favourite contestant so far, Charity, a child and family therapist from Columbus, Georgia, who seems to have a great attitude. There’s already a campaign to make her Bachelorette if she doesn’t get with Zach and I’m there for it.

I would not have picked out e-commerce co-ordinator Jess from Florida as an early kiss recipient. She was really, really nervous and a little awkward although, come to think of it, I guess that was kind of endearing to Zach.

Zach didn’t kiss nurse Genevie, but at least he seemed to get a laugh out of the fake baby she brought for him to diaper.

But was he really having “a blast” with New York dancer Cat, who engaged him in a contest to see who could stuff the most meatballs into their mouth? (Where is Meatball when you need him?) Well, Zach did say that he himself is “fucking weird” and would welcome weirdness in a woman, and with Cat he seems to have got his wish.

And that’s kind of it really. It was a pretty low-key first night. The women seemed mostly supportive of each other. Even Madison’s shenanigans didn’t elicit more than a “what the fuck?” comment from Brooklyn, the rodeo racer from Oklahoma.

But you know, the season is young and there are lots of tears to come, both his and hers.

I was one of the people who was unenthused about Zach as Bachelor, but I’m reserving judgment for now. We’ll see how the season goes.

At least Zach went off script a little. When Jesse asked him if he thought he might have met his wife, Zach hesitated and replied, “My gut instinct is actually telling me that I might have,” so not a yes then.

Let’s be real, he’s likely met his fiancee, best case scenario. Although if Zach really has met his wife, maybe Sean Lowe can take a break from being trotted out as the only successful Bachelor star to date and will never again have to teach another man how to rub his own bare pecs.

The next episode airs Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv and you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo