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Tag: Bachelor in Paradise recap (Page 2 of 3)

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: fresh blood, broken bonds

October 19, 2022 /
New guys Tyler Norris, Alex Bordyukov, Adam Todd, Rick Leach and Olu Onajide in the “Bachelor
in Paradise” version of Casa Amor. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC

Welcome to Bachelor in Love Island.

Not content to present the most over-produced season of “Bachelor in Paradise” to date, the franchise masterminds decided to rip off rival show “Love Island” this week.

Instead of that show’s Casa Amor, I give you the Estates at Vidanta, which is where seven of the eight “Paradise” women were shipped while their men stayed at Playa Escondida with five comely new arrivals to tempt them.

But don’t worry, the disconsolate women got five new boy toys of their own to distract them.

Here’s the thing: if I wanted to watch “Love Island” I’d watch “Love Island,” but I don’t because who has that kind of time, plus I tried it and it just didn’t grab me. What I want is to watch people whose faces I recognize and sometimes even like hook up on a beach and maybe emerge from the heat and crabs affianced.

“Paradise” is the only show in the Bachelor franchise that consistently results in engagements, and even marriages and offspring, so why mess with that?

On the other hand, Tuesday’s episode sure zipped by compared to the ridiculousness that was Monday night’s. Up until the fireworks with Peter and Brittany on Monday it was basically like a math exercise as the excess men obsessed over how there were 12 of them and only seven women. (In the end only two men were sent home, Justin and James, since Casey and Peter basically self-eliminated and Michael got saved; more on that later.)

At the very least on Tuesday, it was interesting to see who stayed true to their OG connections — hello Brandon, Johnny and Aaron — and who couldn’t wait to sample the fresh blood, with their “new beach Paradise smell,” as Johnny put it.

Jacob, for instance, despite claiming to have “something real” with Jill, wasted little time getting mouth to mouth and crotch to crotch with newcomer Kate from Clayton’s “Bachelor” season.

Andrew and Logan at least put up a little resistance before smooching Jessenia (Matt’s season) and Sarah (Clayton’s season), respectively.

Rodney was clearly thrilled to see Eliza, also from Clayton’s season, who was on his list of women he wanted to meet in Paradise, a list that I presume poor Lace did not make. By the time Rodney and Eliza went off on their date they were in the running for cutest couple on the beach. Sorry, Brandon and Serene.

(The fifth newcomer was Florence from “Bachelor in Paradise Australia,” but nobody’s going to pursue her. If they wanted to parachute in people from other spinoffs, hello, “Bachelor in Paradise Canada”! Your neighbours to the north.)

From left, Victoria, Jill, Brittany, Genevieve, Shanae, Lace and Serene in their new digs.

The women at Casa Vidanta played harder to get despite the hunkiness of their newbies: Tyler from Gabby and Rachel Recchia’s season; Olu and Rick from Michelle’s season; Alex from Rachel Lindsay’s season — speaking of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada,” yo, Alex — and Adam from “Bachelorette Australia.”

But Jill and Lace were practically prostrate with grief over leaving Jacob and Rodney. Genevieve and Serene were resolutely sticking with Aaron and Brandon, and Victoria was staying true to Johnny, for now anyway. So that left Brittany and Shanae, who both zeroed in on a very ripped Tyler.

Brittany got in the first kiss; Shanae invited him on the first date, one of those stupid tantric yoga things. But her plans to take him to the boom boom room were foiled when Jill stopped by for a whinge. Nice job, producers!

Lace, meanwhile, after nearly crying her false eyelashes off, caught an SUV over to the Playa — funny how easily the “you have to stay away for a week” rule is broken for the sake of drama — to check up on her fella.

As the episode ended — To Be Continued, dontcha know — it looked like “Hurricane Lace” was about to break when she spied Rodney and Eliza, still giddy from their one-on-one, walking down the steps to the beach hand in hand.

But seriously, should you really expect monogamy from someone you’ve known for mere days?

I love to see bona fide couples emerge from “Paradise” but in the incestuous world of “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” alumni, these cast members are hitting the beach with wish lists in hand and taking roses wherever they can get ’em just to stay in play.

Rodney seems like a genuinely nice guy who wouldn’t purposely hurt anybody, but did anyone really look at him and Lace together and think happily ever after? Same goes for Jill, who had one (nude) date with Jacob, and Brittany, who did little more with Andrew than smooch him on a beach bed.

I’m a wee bit surprised that Johnny and Victoria, and Aaron and Genevieve are as solid as they seem (next week’s dalliance between Victoria and Alex notwithstanding), but I probably wouldn’t be if we got to see more footage of them together instead of wasting our time on distractions like Ashley and Jared, and Pizza Pete.

Some observations:

I know we all loved Michael Allio when he was on Katie’s “Bachelorette” season, but that was before he fobbed off Sierra by saying he wasn’t ready to move on from the death of his wife. I’m sorry, but if you’re not ready to move on what the hell are you doing on a beach full of hotties in black bar-inducing bikinis? Michael is clearly the producers’ golden boy because why else would they parachute in Danielle from Nick’s season, someone whose DMs he happened to have slid into, just before a rose ceremony that was going to send Michael home? He was still expressing doubts about moving on during his one-on-one with Danielle, who seems like a perfectly nice, sensible woman, but decided she was “scarred” enough for him to date, having lost her fiancé to a drug overdose. She was the only woman spared removal to Casa Vidanta, since she and Michael were still out on their date when the switcheroo took place — another bit of favouritism that gives Michael better odds of bonding with her.

There was no reason to bring “Pizza Pete” from Michelle’s season to the beach other than to stir up drama. The pepperoni narcissist is so clearly not husband material I’m surprised he got anyone to date him, but Brittany took the bullet and then, because she didn’t want to kiss his smug face, got derided as a “clout chaser.” This from the guy who’s consistently used his time on the franchise to talk up his pizza chain. It was rather delicious watching Brittany and Jill, and a few of the guys, hound him off the beach after Casey spilled the beans that he’d been trash talking Brittany. Did Casey really do that because he thought it would get him a rose? Of course not. It was more producer interference. Casey passed out when the hubbub got to be too much for him, apparently seriously injuring his foot, it should be noted, but you have to admit: being carted off in an ambulance is a way more memorable exit than slinking off after you fail to get a rose.

Who the hell thought Ashley and Jared deserved a multi-episode arc and even a spot in the opening theme song? They are NOT a “Paradise” success story so why are they being held up as one? As I recall, Jared basically left Ashley crying her infamous tears during two seasons of “Paradise” and then strung her along a while longer until she started dating Kevin Wendt after “Bachelor Winter Games” and that’s when he decided he wanted to be with her. To let them eat up precious air time that could have gone to this season’s developing couples was a travesty; to pretend they needed to come to Mexico to rekindle their sex life a farce. If they want to bonk, let them ship their kid off to grandma like normal married people and stay the hell out of the boom boom room.

One thing not in abundance this season are roses. With just two ceremonies in — yikes! – seven episodes and nine more episodes to go, it’s going to be a long fall, especially if we have to endure more over-produced nonsense. But being a sucker for punishment I will recap the rest of the season, starting with next week’s episodes, airing Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv.

But I’m not enough of a sucker to write two weekly recaps, so I’ll do both in one go, posting Wednesday mornings. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

It’s a bust for all but one couple on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

December 12, 2021 /
“Bachelor in Paradise Canada” came to an end Sunday, but it will be back for another season.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

I guess Brendan Morgan was on to something.

I was skeptical about his contention that going on a date with someone else, i.e. Maria, wouldn’t minimize the relationship he already had, i.e. with Angela.

But when the closed sign went up at Camp Paradise in Sunday’s episode, Brendan M and Angela Amezcua were the only couple left standing.

Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens imploded — or maybe that should be imploded even more — after a night in the fantasy suite.

And Brendan Scanzano, the most faithful man in Paradise, who had eyes only for Illeana Pennetto since Day 1, walked away single. He and Illeana didn’t even make it to the fantasy suite. Go figure.

Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan puts roses but not a ring on it.

And what about an engagement, the supposed raison d’être of any Paradise season? It was a goose egg on that count. Brendan M and Angela exchanged final roses, but he didn’t put a ring on it, as had been teased.

(Brendan and Angela explain why they didn’t get engaged, among other things, in a story I wrote for the Toronto Star, which you can find here.)

Nonetheless, the couple have moved to Toronto together and had just signed a lease on a place when “After the Final Rose” taped in the fall. So congrats to them and may they follow in the footsteps of Angela’s friend Astrid Loch and her Canadian fiancé and baby daddy Kevin Wendt. And does this mean Toronto is now a “Bachelor” hot spot?

But let’s backtrack to the last day in Paradise.

If I had to pick one couple besides Brendan and Angela to end up in a fantasy suite, it would not have been Kamil and Caitlin.

The finale picked up where we left off last week, with Kamil freaking out because, um, Caitlin was asking him questions?

Yeah, according to Kamil, Caitlin was not asking questions in a “normal” way and was “not the same Caitlin you were three hours ago” — by which I guess he meant one who was seen but not heard.

“Now I feel like  a terrible person for asking all of that,” Caitlin told a producer and ugh. All of that being, you know, annoying details like how she and Kamil would keep in touch when he was back in New York and she was in Toronto.

“I don’t need to reassure you every single day, I don’t need to hold your hand,” Kamil groused.

“I just need a man who can fucking use his brain and answer the questions,” Caitlin replied.

Yes, right answer! Alas, when Kamil suggested they continue the discussion in private, Caitlin went to the fantasy suite with him.

Caitlin Clemmens and Kamil Nicalek say their goodbyes in Paradise.

But after what she described as “an absolute nightmare of an evening,” Caitlin and Kamil approached the final rose palapa where, despite Kamil expressing “strong” feelings for Caitlin and Caitlin saying she’d leave her heart with Kamil, they broke up.

Still, as he left, Kamil said he wanted to get back what he and Caitlin had in Paradise. More later on how that turned out.

And then there were Brendan S and Illeana.

Brendan said he was eager to do “awesome things” with Illeana, but she said she didn’t know enough about him and what he wanted to move forward — yes, despite all those days they spent with only each other on the beach.

“I feel like there’s a lot you don’t tell me,” she said. “You keep it very surface level.”

And also: “I very much did fall in love with you. Maybe I fell in love with you the way a teenager falls in love at a summer camp.” Ouch.

Saying that going to the fantasy suite would only hurt Brendan S more, the “adult” Illeana packed up and left. “I’m just not ready,” she said as she and Brendan exchanged a tearful hug.

Well, that was a downer.

Thank goodness for Brendan M and Angela. They woke up in the fantasy suite smiling. The sun was shining. Their date was “amazing.” He let Angela put moisturizer on his face, even though it burned. If that doesn’t scream “this couple is taking it to the real world,” what does?

Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan seal their partnership with a smooch.

Energetic, upbeat music played as we watched Angela and Brendan walk to the final rose palapa. And yes, OK, it wasn’t an engagement, but it was still sweet.

“I feel like I’ve always known you,” Angela told him. “Falling in love with you has just been effortless, so easy.”

Brendan said Angela was beautiful and smart and kind and funny — “sometimes,” which made her laugh.

“Rain or shine, so long as I’m with you I’m in Paradise,” he said.

Awwwwwww.

And with that, Camp Paradise was closed. So how’d everything go out in the real world?

“After the Final Rose” campers with bartender Kevin Wendt and host Jesse Jones.

Sixteen of the 27 cast members showed up to share with host Jesse Jones. And I confess I was charmed by how Jesse had a personal greeting for every single one of them.

So what did we learn?

Well, let’s skip the small talk with Chris Kotelmach and David Pinard and Lisa Mancini, as much as I love Lisa, and get to the juicy bit: Joey Kirchner and Vay Paquette.

You’ll recall we last saw Joey and Vay leaving Paradise together apparently on their way to a happily ever after as well as to Joey’s friend’s wedding in Alberta. Well, Vay never made it to either of those.

Vay Paquette and Joey Kirchner vying for unhappiest couple out of Paradise.

It was all very he said, she said. Vay didn’t go to the wedding because she got in her head and things were moving too fast, she said. But Joey moved to Toronto, apparently as Vay’s boyfriend, and said he caught her in a bar sitting on a guy’s lap with said guy’s hand on her ass. Vay insisted the dude was just a friend. He called bullshit.

Joey also said Vay told him she was breaking up with him because he couldn’t afford to provide her with the type of lifestyle to which she had become accustomed.

Oh, and she and her friends supposedly talked shit about him in the lobby of the hotel where he works, overhead by a friend of his who was serving them, Joey said. She was allegedly planning to cover her ass by saying either that Joey had a girlfriend during filming, that he was an actor or that he was gay.

Joey pulled papers out of his jacket that he said were screenshots of text messages she sent him with that last accusation, although he didn’t read them aloud.

At that point, Vay stormed off the stage.

The very uncomfortable exchange ended, at Jesse’s urging, with them hugging and kind of making up.

“You just deserve better,” Vay whispered to him.

“I wish it could have been me for you,” he whispered back.

It’s not for me to say who’s telling the truth, although if Joey was lying they were really detailed lies. But I can’t help but marvel at him getting blown off by the woman who put him through hell just because he talked to and about a friend of his who happened to be female. Pretty sure I never saw Maria on his lap with Joey’s hand on her ass.

Next in the unhappy couple parade were Kamil and Caitlin.

I don’t want to belabour this because I don’t think Kamil is worth the typing. But Caitlin said she went to New York to try to make things work and Kamil broke up with her by text message, which Caitlin called “really cowardly.”

So it wasn’t exactly breaking up with someone on TV a la Annaliese, but it was close enough.

Note to whoever is casting “Bachelor in Paradise” Season 2: Please don’t invite Kamil back.

Illeana Pennetto and Brendan Scanzano still had smiles for each other.

Things were a little more optimistic for Brendan S and Illeana. No, they aren’t together, but they said they still have love for each other. “It just wasn’t our time, but hey, it could be in the future,” she said.

Angela and Brendan M also got to sit in the hot seat, where the big reveal was the fact they had just signed a lease, although Brendan joked that Angela was pregnant, which was the source of all those shocked faces you saw in the promo, but no, no, she’s not.

Angela and Brendan M are making it work in the real world, complete with pregnancy jokes.

I am putting great faith in the fact that Brendan wore a flower on his lapel that matched the colour of Angela’s dress.

Finally, it was time for perhaps the biggest reveal of the whole evening. You know how I said that Canadian Paradise didn’t have a boom boom room? Well, it turns out they had a boom boom sauna. Josh described the sauna as “an erotic dungeon.” What did couples get up to in there? Use your imagination, I guess.

But now all the new cast members have some useful information for Season 2. Bartender Kevin Wendt announced that casting is now open at citytv.com and yes, there will be fan contestants again and yes, Kevin will be mixing the drinks.

Before I stop writing, I wanted to give my thoughts on what I thought worked and didn’t work in this inaugural “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” season.

The Cast: It might have seemed like Canada was at a disadvantage not having lots of “Bachelor” alumni to choose from but, in fact, my favourite campers were either people we didn’t get to know well on Canadian “Bachelor” shows (hello, Lisa and Stacy) or people we’d never seen on our TVs before, like Joey, Josh and Jeremy. Which is not to say some of the American cast members weren’t enjoyable, including Alex and Angela.

Editing: Speaking of Alex Bordyukov, how come we saw next to nothing of his relationship with Kit Blaiklock? I would have happily traded some footage of Kamil and Caitlin, say, for glimpses of Alex and Kit. And why bring on a high profile cast member like “Bachelor Canada” winner Bianka Kamber and do nothing with her? I get that she didn’t hook up with anybody, but we could have at least seen her go on a date.

Hosting: Let me just say that Jesse seems like a nice guy, but if he’s coming back for Season 2, I hope he loosens up, let’s his personality shine through and delivers his speeches less like he’s reading off cue cards and more like he’s actually talking to people.

Setting: I think Ontario has advantages over Mexico with its heat and crabs, and the setting was certainly picturesque, especially at night, but there was nothing fantastical about the fantasy suite cabins and some of the dates were really uneventful. Next time, skip the archery and the slip and slide. Maybe just stick to the water sports. Or set up a table and twinkle lights in the theatre and let the campers pretend to eat dinner like on the American show.

I’ll be back to recap “The Bachelorette” Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. If you want to talk Bachelor with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Fantasy (suites) & reality collide on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

December 5, 2021 /
The cast of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” ahead of the final rose ceremony.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

You know that melancholy feeling you get at the end of a summer vacation? You had a blast, but you’re about to head back to reality?

That was Sunday’s penultimate episode of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”

With the season about to end, couples were folding like cheap tents and Camp Paradise was emptying out.

And what reward would we get for our nine weeks and counting of watching these Canadian and American singles mingle? Engagements perhaps?

One maybe; two if we’re really lucky, but the way the episode ended even fantasy suites were feeling like a stretch.

(And just a note, given the lack of “fantasy” accoutrements we glimpsed when Brendan M and Angela opened the door to theirs, perhaps the Canadian show needs to come up with a different name. Intimacy suites, maybe? Cut-rate fantasy suites?)

There was to be no happy ending for Stacy Johnson and Mike Ogilvie.

The wheels on the true love narrative started coming off even before the final rose ceremony when Mike told Stacy he wouldn’t feel right accepting a rose from her.

Of course, Mike had been accepting Stacy’s roses and vice versa since he first arrived in Week 3. He told Stacy she was “a gorgeous girl who’s an amazing personality” whom he liked a lot, but they agreed they weren’t where they needed to be emotionally with potential engagements just around the corner — although the subtext from Stacy’s perspective was that had more to do with Mike than with her.

She was in tears when she told the other campers she was leaving. “I deserve love. I deserve someone that knows what they want and knows what they have when they have it,” she said.

Amen to that. Sorry to see you go Stacy, you’re one of the good ones. Mike, hmmm.

No one else chose to forgo a rose and Angela’s, Kit’s, Lisa’s, Caitlin’s and Illeana’s were handed out in short order. Maria’s was the only question mark, although it wasn’t really.

Maria Garcia-Sanchez had both Josh Guvi and Karn Kalra vying for her rose.

Karn, who showed up just last week with a cocky confidence befitting his job as an actor, tried his best to wrest it from Josh, but Maria warned him, “It’s really hard to have a connection with someone you just met.”

She kind of just met Josh too, but she just met him sooner than Karn, plus Josh finally kissed Maria — though I’m not sure the reaction you want after you’ve laid a smooch on someone is for them to laugh loudly. (For the record, Maria tweeted Sunday she laughs when she feels nervous.)

Maria explained that she wasn’t as “open physically and romantically” as other people, plus the fact she got her rose from production rather than a man made her feel like “second choice” — that would actually be fourth choice if we’re counting the other women Josh had already kissed.

Nonetheless, Maria gave her rose to Josh, saying “the more I get to know Josh the more I like.” It was a good pick. Never mind Karn ungenerously saying, “Maria, you fucked up” as he departed.

The next day, with roses in hand and no new arrivals to disrupt the couples, it seemed like everyone could get on with exploring their connections, as they say, and then host Jesse Jones arrived and used the f-word. No, not that one: fantasy suites.

“Take this as the last opportunity to figure out if you’re both really looking to take things to the next level because, if not, you and your partner will be heading home from Camp Paradise today,” he said. Dunh dunh dunh dunh.

Is anyone surprised that Josh and Maria said no to a fantasy suite? Why would she want to spend the night with him when she didn’t even really want to kiss him? They went their separate ways, albeit expressing gratitude for having met each other.

Is there mutual squirrel appreciation in Connor Rogers’ and Lisa Mancini’s future? Guess we’ll see.

Likewise, Connor and Lisa felt a fantasy suite was too much pressure for their fledgling relationship and said they’d continue to figure it out away from camp. “See you soon,” Connor said after they hugged and kissed.

I wasn’t sure which way Alex and Kit were going to go considering how little we’ve seen of them together since their first date in Week 3. And that’s a shame because I think we missed out on a warm, respectful relationship. I love that Alex put glitter on his cheek to match the sparkle under Kit’s eyes and on her dress at the rose ceremony, for instance.

Too bad we didn’t see more of Kit Blaiklock and Alex Bordyukov during the season.

But when push came to shove, Kit told Alex she needed “to love myself more and be stronger on my own” to be the partner he deserved, so they’d be skipping the fantasy suite and parting ways.

Alex was disappointed, but he said Kit made Paradise “one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever been through . . . I’m happy I got to know such an incredible woman.”

Awwwwwwww.

With three couples down, it seemed like the remaining three were shoo-ins for fantasy suites.

Angela and Brendan M were the first to take Jesse up on the offer.

Turns out Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan are the strongest couple in Paradise, who knew?

They did a “memory lane” tour that included the two docks where they snuggled and watched sunsets and stars, the amphitheatre where they shared their first kiss and the bar stools where they first met.

They left out the cabin stairs where Brendan blew Angela off before he went on a date with Maria. Although, to be honest, the more I think about it the more that whole thing seems like a plot device cooked up by production.

Angela wrote Brendan M a letter in which she said that despite the “speed bumps along the way” — which, just to refresh your memory, included his flirtation with Stacy and her going on a date with Josh — “we always somehow make our way back to each other.”

“I genuinely feel as though I’m falling in love with you,” Brendan told Angela, as orchestral music swelled in the background.

“Really? I’m falling in love with you too, for real,” Angela replied.

Brendan also said he could see himself giving Angela a ring.

And then it was off to the, er, fantasy cabin where, instead of the high thread count linens, candles, rose petals and jacuzzis we usually associate with fantasy suites, we glimpsed what looked like plywood walls with a framed poster that said “Life is better by the lake.” Now, that’s what I call an aphrodisiac!

And what of the other Brendan, Scanzano, and his Day 1 sweetie, Illeana?

Illeana Pennetto was portrayed as having doubts about getting engaged to Brendan Scanzano.

I suspect they’ll end up in the fantasy suite, but production was doing its best to make it seem like a question mark.

They’d already said they loved each other but now, Illeana said, “logic needs to come into play.”

She’s not wrong. Cross-border “Bachelor” relationships don’t have a good track record (although it seems like Chicagoan Joe Amabile and Torontonian Serena Pitt are still together).

And while Brendan kept saying he wanted to do what made Illeana happy, she kept expressing doubts that they were on the same page as far as making things work outside Paradise. Whether those are doubt doubts or “production wants to make it look like we won’t end up together” doubts remains to be seen.

Still, Brendan S and Illeana seemed rock solid compared to Kamil and Caitlin.

Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens seemed unlikely to get to a fantasy suite after Sunday’s episode.

Those two have been Paradise exclusive since Episode 2, after they got their respective flirtations with Vay and Chris out of the way. But the episode ended with Kamil walking away from Caitlin in the midst of what seemed like a mini-meltdown.

As with any of the disagreements we’ve seen between Kamil and Caitlin, it can be hard to disentangle exactly what’s going on.

It started with Kamil saying he wanted to leave with Caitlin before the rose ceremony, let alone the fantasy suites — perhaps to avoid the awkward experience of not proposing to Caitlin in the finale the same way he didn’t propose to Annaliese on U.S. “Paradise”? I don’t know, just my speculation. But Caitlin wanted to spend more time with Kamil in Paradise, so he agreed to go to the fantasy suite after all, saying he didn’t want to dwell in the past.

So what went wrong? They started talking about the distance between New York and Toronto, and whether Kamil was good at texting and calling (he said he likes to keep his phone on silent), and things started going south after Kamil said he planned to FaceTime Brendan S every day, which seemed to make Caitlin a little jealous.

Kamil said it wasn’t a big deal: he just wanted to leave Paradise with Caitlin, but Caitlin wanted to have a post-Paradise plan in place.

Kamil said he felt like Caitlin was putting him in the “hot seat” and wasn’t behaving like the “sweet” and “gentle” person he knew. Um, gender stereotyping much?

“Right now it feels to me like you don’t even want to take this outside of here,” Kamil told her

“Quite frankly, I don’t know if I want to leave and work on anything if we can’t resolve it here,” Caitlin answered.

Saying that Caitlin seemed like “a totally different person” and that their conversation seemed like a “fucking prank or something,” Kamil walked away from a distressed Caitlin.

“I’m having flashbacks to my bad time in Paradise when I was sitting in the hot seat and the whole world hated me,” Kamil said. “It was like a nightmare that was unfolding in front of me and I can’t believe it’s happening for a second time.”

Well, boo hoo hoo to that.

On next week’s finale, besides more Kamil and Caitlin drama and Illeana continuing to express doubts about Brendan S, Brendan M and Angela look proposal-ready and there’s a spicy “After the Final Rose” on tap. The highlight of that — or the lowlight, if you will — is Joey saying that he found Vay “in the arms of another guy” at the wedding he took her to, and that she and her friends talked shit about him. Not cool, Vay, not cool.

You can watch it unfold Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget the final “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Joey gets his girl, Josh gets rivals on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 28, 2021 /
Joey Kirchner and Vay Paquette share some news on “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.”
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

You could say that Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” was about loyalty and the rewards or consequences thereof.

Joey proved his loyalty to Vay and got to leave Paradise with his girl.

Josh proved his loyalty to Lisa and was rewarded by . . . her going on a date with another guy. Then, when Josh tried to rekindle his flirtation with Maria — yes, she was still around, I’ll explain later — she got scooped up by another newcomer, raising the prospect of Mr. “Bachelor” in Paradise not getting a rose.

I’m skeptical that Josh will get bounced. I mean, look what happened with Maria. Last week’s episode made it seem as though Josh might give her his rose at Lisa’s expense, but he stuck with Lisa.

By rights, Maria should have gone home along with Bianka and Nicole. Iva had already self-eliminated with the words “I had a blast, but I’m peacing out.”

But then, after the final rose, host Jesse Jones reappeared with a final, final rose, a.k.a. “a special rose for a special lady who deserves another shot at love here in Paradise.” It was up to Josh and the other men, including Kamil, Brendan S, Brendan M, Alex, Joey and Mike, to decide who that lady would be and they chose Maria.

Maria Garcia-Sanchez, right, got to stay thanks to a “special” rose; Bianka Kamber, front, had to go.

The cynic in me thinks that had as much to do with Vay’s continuing jealousy of Maria as with second chances, but there we are.

The next day, Joey was in tears after a sleepless night as Vay continued to give him the cold shoulder over the fact he’d left Vay to go to his friend Maria’s cabin and talk her into sticking around.

Once Vay finally agreed to talk it out with Joey he was extremely contrite, even though I don’t think he had a reason to be.

“I don’t want to be the jealous crazy girlfriend . . . but unfortunately that’s how I felt,” said Vay. “I wish I didn’t care when you spoke about another girl,” she said, adding, “If you want to be with me you need to understand that it comes with a lot of baggage.”

Joey understood and was ready to turn himself into a human luggage rack.

“I hate that I’m the reason you felt the way you did yesterday . . . because I love you,” he said.

“I was trying to be a good person for people in need, but you are my No. 1 priority.”

And with that, the deep freeze was over as Joey and Vay smooched and the other campers cheered. More on them later.

In the meantime, a new dude had ambled into Camp Paradise: 27-year-old engineer and firefighter trainee Connor Rogers from Toronto. And he was Lisa’s type, “a mix between Owen Wilson, Prince Harry and Bradley Cooper,” as she put it.

Connor had the good fortune of arriving just after all the men had disappeared to play basketball, but I doubt Lisa would have been dissuaded from accepting his date even if Josh had been around. She did spare a thought for Josh, however, saying, “If I have a great time with Connor I will actually be worrying about Josh because then I’ll have a hard decision to make.”

Lisa Mancini was vibing with Connor Rogers and I don’t even know if he likes Hawaiian pizza.

Well, wouldn’t you know that the date allowed Lisa, a renowned friend to rodents, to channel her “inner squirrel” on a ropes course? And, more importantly, when she and Connor got to the drinks-on-a-couch part of the date, Lisa opened up to him about the death of her father in 2020, something she said she hadn’t shared with anybody else.

“I’m, like, hopeful that we can keep pursuing this,” Connor said before they shared a kiss, one that Lisa said left her feeling sparks whereas kissing Josh felt “more like a friend.”

Oh dear.

To her credit, Lisa told Josh what was going on after she and Connor returned to the beach and he was . . . totally cool with it.

“If you really like someone, Lisa, I want you to explore that here, honestly,” Josh told her. “I’m in your corner. Whether I’m with you or I’m cheering for you, I’ve got your back.”

How sweet is that?

And the silver lining was that Josh could now explore his feelings for Maria guilt free. Just before Lisa turned up, Josh and Maria had been hanging out by the fire pit, flirting, and had agreed to get to know each other more.

But then along came Karn Kalra, a 30-year-old actor from Toronto. (His credits include “Tuxedo Man #1” in the Oscar-winning movie “Green Book,” playing Saddam Hussein in “The Dictator’s Playbook” and Agent Folson in “The Hot Zone: Anthrax,” so more than “actor” Chris Sutton on “The Bachelorette.”)

Maria Garcia-Sanchez got to go on another date, this time with newcomer Karn Kalra.

And why wouldn’t Maria go on a date with him? Josh has got to be one of the nicest guys in Camp Paradise, but it’s not like he’d given Maria a rose.

She even seemed to have fun tubing with Karn, despite getting thrown out of the tube at least twice and face-planting once, which didn’t look like it tickled.

Karn scored points with Maria for being close to his mom and he said she “checks a lot of the boxes off.”

Still, Maria went for a walk with Josh when she got back to camp and said she had more in common with him, but she stopped short of letting Josh kiss her, pointing out, “You literally just kissed someone the night before.”

Well, yeah, it’s Paradise. And your point is?

We’ll have to wait till next week to find out if Maria agrees to be Josh’s fourth Paradise lip-lock or goes for the clean slate, a.k.a. Karn.

In the meantime, Joey and Vay solidified their bond with a date that involved roasting weenies and marshmallows next to a mini trailer called a Happier Camper (honestly, the product placement on this show is intense).

Vay Paquette goes cowgirl for her honey Joey Kirchner on their date.

Vay showed up in a cropped gingham top, jean short shorts, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, which Joey said made him “happy in a bunch of places.”

“Whoever thought the guy walking in in the pink Speedo would be this amazing man?” said Vay.

We knew that Joey had “something big” to tell Vay, but he’d already popped the L-word and it seemed early for an engagement. It turned out Joey had to leave Paradise for Alberta that night to be best man at his friend’s wedding and he wanted Vay to come with him and meet his family.

“Will you be my plus one?” he asked.

“Of course I’ll come with you,” she replied.

So Joey and Vay rode off into the night after exchanging heartfelt hugs with their cast mates. Damn it, I’m going to miss you, Joey!

Now let’s talk about the other couple who dropped an L-bomb. That would be Brendan S and Illeana.

Brendan Scanzano hasn’t wavered in his devotion to Illeana Pennetto.

Brendan has only had eyes for Illeana since Day 1 so it shouldn’t be a huge surprise that he was talking about getting engaged and asking Illeana for her favourite ring style (princess cut or radius cut, which she had to explain to Brendan).

Illeana appeared to be less gung ho than Brendan, saying that he’d run head first into an engagement without thinking about how things would work outside Paradise, but when Brendan told her he loved her, she replied, “I know you do and I love you too.”

And then there were Kamil and Caitlin.

Caitlin Clemmens and Kamil Nicalek. Is she really having doubts or are producers just messin’?

Kamil planned a surprise for Caitlin with blankets, bubbly and a basket of clementines in honour of the nickname he gave her. And they seemed to be on the same wavelength as far as wanting to be in a committed relationship and yet . . . Caitlin kept expressing doubts: about whether Kamil would “step up” when they were a plane ride away from each other; whether he’d call it quits like he did with Annaliese on U.S. “Bachelor in Paradise”; whether she herself would overcome her instinct to cut and run to avoid getting hurt.

It’s hard to tell if these are genuine obstacles or just editing to make it seem like Caitlin and Kamil won’t leave Paradise together.

In any event, it seems like shit is about to get real, or as real as it can anyway, next week. It seems the committed couples are having serious chats ahead of the last rose ceremony. And it look like there will actually be a rose ceremony. And then Jesse shakes things up by announcing fantasy suites.

Yes, definitely a shakeup considering this has been probably the most chaste season in “Bachelor in Paradise” history.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Juggling women and balls on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 22, 2021 /
Brendan Morgan showed that women weren’t the only thing he could keep up in the air
on “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.” PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Never mind the juggling, singing, dancing, piano playing, guitar shredding and the lame “comedy” in Sunday’s “Camp Paradise Twisted Talent Show,” the real talent this late in any season of “Bachelor in Paradise” is for a newcomer to get a rose.

Of the five surplus women who joined the cast of “Paradise Canada,” the only one who seemed like she might pull it off — emphasis on might — was Maria Garcia-Sanchez.

But if you think Brendan Morgan is her potential rose daddy, think again.

Sure, the last we saw of Brendan M last week was him ignoring main squeeze Angela to spend extra time with Maria, with whom he’d just returned from a date. But it didn’t take long for Maria — and us — to figure out she’d been played, with Angela and Brendan recommitting to each other, inasmuch as someone who’s still yapping about having the freedom to “pursue other options” can commit.

Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan toast to the future, whatever that turns out to be.

Then, hello, Josh started chatting up Maria, reviving the possibility of her getting a rose and marking himself as the official “Paradise Canada” stud since he’d gone on two dates, kissed three women and was now checking out a fourth.

But wasn’t Josh coupled up with Lisa? Well yes and no.

Josh said he cared about Lisa but didn’t know “what kind of feelings those are.” Meanwhile, he saw potential with Maria and told her he wanted to explore it.

But the exploration got short-circuited the night of the rose ceremony when Maria had a meltdown, told Josh she wanted to go home and then slammed her way into her cabin to start packing her stuff. More on that later.

She wasn’t the only newbie who picked flight over fight.

Sasanet, who had a disastrous date with Mike last episode, was there for a good time, not a long time, as the theme song says.

Sasanet says farewell to Camp Paradise with affirmations and a big ass glass of wine.

“I had fun, I met amazing people, however the men just were not on my level,” Sasa said.

She took leave of her cast mates with a bit of sassy humour — “I’m happy to have been here and met everyone, well most of you at least” — and some parting affirmations. They’d all find love, happiness, luxury, glamour and wonderful lives, she said. And then she was off to find the first of the three husbands a psychic told her she was going to have.

And now let’s talk about the fight part of the equation. That would be Iva, who wasn’t willing to leave Paradise without one.

Editing, of course, is everything on these shows. We’d just listened to Josh tell Maria that he was “a quiet person” and that “really energetic, like, loud people tire me out” when who should materialize in front of him but the hyper energetic Iva?

Never mind not beating about the bush; Iva beat the bush into bits. She told Josh she was jealous he was flirting with other girls, that she liked him and didn’t like any other guys, and asked, “Are you still into me?”

Which presupposes that Josh was into her to begin with.

He wouldn’t tell her point blank that she wasn’t getting his rose, even though she wasn’t, but he recommended she pursue “other things.” And the other thing was Mike.

Iva Mikulic makes her pitch for Mike Ogilvie to dump Stacy for her.

Mack Truck Mike, meet Titan Truck Iva.

Iva told Mike she had come to Camp Paradise for a fresh start after being “stuck on the same guy for the past three years”; she wanted to fall in love, a couple of kids, a nice big house and a nice big yard — is that all? — and she asked Mike if there was “a way for me to convince you that you should, like, explore this with me?”

Mike diplomatically told Iva he couldn’t give her an answer.

“She’s a very aggressive person,” he commented. Ya think?

Iva also told Mike he was “smoking hot,” but he declined her invitation to “kiss and see if we can vibe.”

Bartender Kevin Wendt and fiancee Astrid Loch judged the talent show.

During the talent show — overseen by bartender Kevin Wendt and his fiancee Astrid Loch (who welcomed their baby the night before “Paradise” aired!) — Brendan S, as part of a cringey attempt at a comedy roast with best bud Kamil, suggested Iva had another motive for coming to Paradise: to further her music career. Hey, she wouldn’t be the first.

Iva could at least sing, as could Joey and Vay. Josh played a mean piano and Mike unleashed his inner metal god on the guitar, complete with crotch grab. Lisa drew clever caricatures of her fellow campers.

But the winner was Brendan M for his shirtless juggling and doing a yoga pose called the locust that, well, you can check it out in the photo above.

As impressive as that was, Brendan’s win also fit the storyline of him returning to Angela after his dalliance with Maria since the prize was a date. And it didn’t hurt that Angela’s good friend Astrid was one of the judges.

Angela confided in Astrid, her former “Bachelor” and “Bachelor in Paradise” pal, about her hurt over Brendan M taking Maria out, not to mention Brendan’s annoyance over Angela being hurt.

“The Paradise experience to me is meeting someone that you’re gonna build a life with after this, not dating a bunch of random girls,” Astrid said.

Except Brendan still seemed to be thinking about the random girls when he and Angela finally talked things out during their dinner date.

He told Angela his intentions were good in going on the date with Maria, but when asked what those intentions were, Brendan M said, “to give myself a fair opportunity to see if there was a connection there. For me to get the most out of this, I think it’s only right for me to pursue other options. At the same time, it doesn’t take away from what you and I have. I was a bit upset at the fact that you looked at it that way.”

What? That Angela looked at you pursuing your options with Maria as potentially detrimental to your relationship with her? Gee, can’t imagine why she’d think that.

To make matters worse, when Angela asked Brendan if he was done exploring other relationships, he said, “I feel as though I am. I also feel like I deserve the freedom to be able to explore something.” So no, then.

Don’t ask me how you go from that to Angela and Brendan agreeing to “move forward with each other.” Colour me super skeptical.

You want to know who hasn’t explored other options the whole time he’s been on the beach? Joey.

Joey Kirchner and Vay Paquette: not “just a Paradise fling.”

As he and Vay snuggled in a Muskoka chair, Joey told her he was falling in love with her. “I am too, 1,000 per cent,” Vay replied. “I can spend the rest of my life with you, I already know,” she said.

As heartwarming as that is, there was one adorable Colombian-Canadian obstacle to Joey and Vay attaining post-Paradise bliss. Vay couldn’t seem to shake her jealousy of Joey’s friendship with Maria.

Josh, meanwhile, still appeared to be into Maria, taking her for a walk away from the other campers with the rose ceremony looming. But Maria was so pissed that she’d wasted her date on Brendan M that she seemed to transfer that distrust to Josh. When he complimented her beauty and her personality, she replied skeptically, “If you want to get to know me, that’s on you. If you don’t, like, it’s fine.”

“Obviously, I do,” said Josh. Maria’s response to that was an eye roll.

Maria Garcia-Sanchez at the talent show with Bianka Kamber, a.k.a. the Invisible Woman.

Josh, bless him, kept trying, but then Maria started crying, told him, “I really want to go home, this is so dumb,” and ditched Josh to go start packing up her stuff.

It was Joey who talked her down, following Maria into her cabin to dispense hugs and advice. He was convinced she still had a shot with Josh and got her to agree to stick around.

Josh, meanwhile, was getting advice from Mike, who told him to figure out “what makes you happy.” Would it be Maria and the chance of “something incredible” with her, or would he keep working on what he had with Lisa, notwithstanding that seemed more like a friendship than a romance?

We’ll presumably find out next week when there’s — maybe? — a rose ceremony.

In the meantime, Vay gave Joey the cold shoulder when he returned from his chat with Maria. Brendan M, of all people, seemed to take Vay’s side, saying Joey should have been a little more conscious of how Vay was feeling.

Excuse me while I stop to ponder the irony of the man behind the feelings that put Maria in need of consoling, the man who ignored his own girlfriend’s feelings to take Maria out in the first place, suggesting another dude wasn’t being sensitive about a woman’s feelings. Wow.

“Don’t keep mentioning the same girl over and over and over and over again. It makes me feel like shit,” Vay complained.

Sorry Vay, but I’m with Joey. “I clearly don’t give a fuck about Maria in a romantic way; platonically yes,” he told, yes, Brendan M.

Vay, honey, time to put your big girl panties on and euthanize that little green monster. Joey seems like a really nice guy who was just trying to help an old friend. That supersized jealousy is not a good look.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere based on next week’s promo showing more of Vay’s whining about Maria. And with less than a week left till the final rose, Brendan S is talking engagement and Caitlin is still talking about whether Kamil will step up. Ugh. And two more guys show up, with one particularly cocky dude infringing on whatever Josh has with whomever he has it with.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Three new women shake up Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 15, 2021 /
Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” was rocky for Kamil Nicalek and Caitlin Clemmens
and Angela Amezcua and Brendan Morgan. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Beware the quiet ones.

When three new women infiltrated Camp Paradise on Sunday’s “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” it wasn’t the two more aggressive ladies who caused the most disruption; it was the “really nice girl.”

There are now five more women than men on the beach — a bit of overkill, no, “Bachelor in Paradise Canada”?

And the three newbies all had date cards, but only one of the dates threatened the established order. More on that later.

As the episode opened, the campers discussed the flirtations of the night before (which you can read about here) and Nicole, one of last week’s newcomers, lamented that the people who were coupled up — essentially everyone but her and fellow new arrival Bianka — seemed unlikely to “budge.”

Bianka, who as a “Bachelor Canada” winner was kind of a marquee attraction when the cast was first announced, has had hardly any screen time and appeared to not even be trying to kindle any romantic sparks.

But that state of affairs didn’t deter Halifax fan contestant Sasanet, a.k.a. Sasa, who declared “Everyone’s gonna be obsessed with me” and who, in Brendan M’s words, wasn’t afraid to step on toes. She figured every man was fair game until they were engaged.

Mike Ogilvie reminded Sasanet Iassu a bit of Thor on their date.

So she chose “beautiful man” Mike for her date and Mike got to show off the physique she so admired on a slip and slide, even pulling Sasa along the slide at one point using just his brawny arms — “like Thor,” she said — as she held onto his ankles.

“Was he as good as Thor? No, but he met my expectations,” Sasa quipped.

Alas, it would have taken all of the Avengers to pull something resembling a decent conversation out of Mike and Sasa. That expression that opposites attract? Not in this case.

City girl Sasa made it clear she preferred a walk in the mall to hiking and when Mike asked her if she liked hardcore metal music, she replied, “Absolutely not, it stresses me out.”

Mike couldn’t wait to return to Stacy. “I’m very thrilled to be coming home to you,” he told her.

In the meantime, host Jesse Jones had announced the “Camp Paradise Bonfire,” which involved the campers sitting around a bonfire and asking each other anonymous questions that had been dropped into a box.

From left, Lisa, Illeana, Bianka, Vay and Sessa at the bonfire, with Josh, Brendan M and Kamil behind.

Mike got asked, “Why didn’t you tell Stacy about your interest in Caitlin before the rose ceremony?” His lame answer: he couldn’t find Caitlin to talk to for a week, which I guess is better than “I waited because production told me to.”

And then for Kamil: “Do you not realize all the girls notice you checking them out or do you just not care?”

Kamil hemmed and hawed and then settled on, “I didn’t think I was checking them out, but if that’s the case I guess I’ll admit to it. There’s a lot of beautiful people here in Paradise.”

Finally, Joey not so anonymously had a question for Vay: “Are you falling in love with Joey because I’m falling in love with you.”

Vay said she was definitely getting there although she needed more time because of her trust issues and that made Joey’s heart warm.

You want to know whose heart wasn’t warm? Caitlin’s.

She was brooding over Kamil’s admission to checking people out.

“I want somebody who’s got eyes just for me, like not on everyone else,” she told Kamil.

Kamil was annoyed but apologized, but only for the way he answered the question, which Caitlin called “lacklustre.”

That wasn’t the end of the discussion. Mike and Stacy told Kamil and Caitlin the reason they were being “targeted” by other people was because they spent so much time apart from the rest of the group.

Mike suggested Kamil go on other dates, like Mike had, to be sure his relationship with Caitlin was a “10 out of 10.”

Kamil disagreed. “Once you find something special in life I feel like you should keep it close,” he retorted, adding that he’d be happy to leave Paradise right then and there with Caitlin and make it work in the real world.

“That sounds like love to me. Would you say then you’re in love?” Mike asked.

Neither was willing to fess up to that.

It didn’t end there because the next day Kamil chastised Caitlin for not having his back and making a “big deal” over his checking people out comment. “I don’t feel I need to reassure you all the time,” Kamil said. Caitlin was aghast and said in her confessional she felt like she was being gaslit.

I think Mike’s right. One of these two should go on a date with a different person.

Onwards! A new day brought a new arrival: fan contestant Iva from Calgary.

Iva described herself as “aggressive in my pursuit.” Even “I got shade for days” Joey called her “blunt” for the way she fired questions at the men.

Josh Guvi gets to know Iva Mikulic, perhaps more than he bargained for.

But Josh found her “spicy” and agreed to go on a date. His current romantic interest, Lisa, kind of took it in stride, calling Josh “the Bachelor in Paradise.”

As for the date, it was all fun and games when it came to flying on a trapeze; less so when Iva demanded that Josh dump Lisa. “You make out with her I’ll fucking throw you in the lake,” Iva said. Well, all righty then.

Iva’s demand might have carried more weight if Josh had enjoyed making out with her. But when a producer asked Josh about his kiss with Iva, he kind of grimaced and diplomatically declared himself “undecided.”

Josh told Lisa all about the ultimatum when he came back to the beach. “Does that mean me and her are gonna have a problem?” asked Lisa. “I am the last person somebody wants a problem with. I’m small, but I’m mighty.”

Speaking of problems, Angela definitely had one.

The third new arrival was Maria, a Colombian-born, Toronto-raised designer who described herself as having Canadian “niceness” and Colombian “spice.”

To Joey, she was “a sweetheart of a girl,” someone he’d worked with in Toronto and gone on one unsuccessful date with. But as he gave Maria the lay of the Paradise land, Joey made it clear he had a deep connection with Vay — which didn’t make Vay any less jealous of the time Joey spent with Maria or the way he talked about her.

Guy after guy politely blew Maria off, letting her know they were taken — all except Brendan M. Brendan told Maria he was “definitely open” to “meeting new people and seeing if there’s possibility there.”

Uh oh.

When Brendan agreed to Maria’s date, he justified it by saying he and Angela had talked “in the past” about allowing each other to go on dates with new people, but the operative word was “past” — Angela clearly thought that kind of deal was behind them.

Angela summoned Brendan for a chat — the conversation they should have had before he agreed to go with Maria because tossing “All right?” over your shoulder as you walk away with someone else doesn’t really count. Brendan said he wanted Angela to just focus on what they had but also to give him the “respect” to go on this date.

Basically, he was unsympathetic to her distress, leaving her with a non-committal “Chat with you later,” not even a hug or a peck on the cheek.

Cold, dude, cold.

“It feels nice to be painted on,” said Brendan Morgan, with Maria Garcia-Sanchez. We bet!

He was all smiles when he and Maria met up to strip down to white bathing suits and throw paint on a drop sheet and each other, eventually rubbing it on each other’s bodies.

Still, Brendan hadn’t completely forgotten about Angela. As he and Maria shared drinks by a cosy fire, Brendan admitted he really wanted to kiss her but refrained because he didn’t want to disrespect Angela.

Bad news, Brendan, the “disrespect” horse bolted before you shut your lips, er, the barn door.

Angela was back at the beach, telling her besties Illeana and Caitlin she wasn’t sure she could completely trust Brendan anymore.

And then Brendan dropped the equivalent of a cow patty on the whole situation by returning from his date, spotting Angela with her friends and manoeuvring Maria over to a beach bed instead of talking to Angela.

Hey Brendan, I think we’ve solved the mystery of why you’re not in a committed relationship yet. You clearly have no idea how to commit!

Next week, it looks like neither Angela nor Maria is happy with Brendan M. There’s more tension between Joey and Vay over Maria. Iva continues her dogged pursuit of not only Josh but Mike. And is that Kevin Wendt’s lovely fiancee, Astrid Loch, helping him introduce the “Camp Paradise Twisted Talent Show”?

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Edited to correct the spelling of Sasa.

The men won’t stay in their lanes on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 8, 2021 /
The men and women of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” Week 5 await the rose ceremony.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Either there’s an outbreak of wandering eye syndrome at Camp Paradise or the producers of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” have some ninja level manipulation skills.

How else to explain an episode in which Caitlin claimed she was considering dumping Kamil for newbie Adam — after Adam had been ditched by Illeana, who went back to Brendan S — and then Caitlin was pursued by Mike, leaving Stacy feeling like chopped liver.

“Like are we all getting played?” Vay asked indignantly after learning of Mike’s manoeuvre.

Yes, Vay, probably and I’m including viewers in that “we.”

I mean, seriously, in what universe does a smart woman like Caitlin get sucked in by some dude she’s barely talked to just because he knocks on her door with a bouquet of flowers? And why would Mike suddenly zero in on Caitlin on the flimsy pretext that he didn’t know anything about her and she might be his “match”?

Here I will quote another wise woman, Stacy: “Can I get a bigger eye roll?”

Let’s backtrack to pick up the threads from last week‘s episode.

We watched as Illeana Pennetto, despite being part of a Day 1 couple with Brendan Scanzano, went on not one, but two dates with newcomer Adam Kunder, which seemed to mostly involve sucking face, although she told her besties she got “a lot deeper” with Adam than she had with Brendan.

Adam Kunder and Illeana Pennetto defaulted to kissing rather than talking on Date No. 2.

Balderdash! It appeared Adam had exhausted his conversational skills on Date No. 1 because as he and Illeana repaired to a couch to continue Date No. 2, he became about as communicative as a rock. As Illeana noted, “Instead of talking we’re just kissing, which isn’t bad, but it’s not getting us anywhere.”

Well, it did get her somewhere: back into Brendan’s arms. When she and Adam returned from their date, Illeana left Adam boasting about their “dope” connection at the bar while she told Brendan that despite having a “nice time” with Adam, “I was just thinking about coming back and being with you” — although she claimed she wouldn’t have known for sure had she not gone on that second date.

Sounds sketchy, but OK, fine.

Illeana let Adam down as gently as she could, although he seemed completely flabbergasted that she picked Brendan over him. And who should commiserate with Adam about getting dumped, of all people, but Brendan’s friends Kamil and Caitlin, another Day 1 couple? Weird, right?

Kamil wasn’t all that sympathetic, as you’d expect, since he’d said from the get-go that Adam had been disrespectful for not checking with the other men before asking out one of “their women.” But that paternalism pissed off Caitlin, who told Adam he’d done the right thing by following his heart to Illeana.

Then the next day, Adam had one heck of a pivot, as they say, claiming that after his date(s) with Illeana he had “a gut-wrenching feeling I had made the wrong choice.” So there he was at Caitlin’s cabin door with flowers.

Oh puhleez. As if that wasn’t a naked play for a rose. And yet we watched Caitlin get “confused” over whether to choose Kamil, who she said was coasting, or Adam, who she said was making an effort. Give me a break. You think he picked those flowers out himself? I’m not saying Kamil is all that, but why would you trust the dude who was all over your best friend the day before?

The “Paradise” triangle du jour: Kamil Nicalek, Adam Kunder and Caitlin Clemmens.

The rest of the cast watched with rapt attention as Adam walked Caitlin over to the bar, where Kamil and Chris were sitting, then put a flower in her hair and tried to kiss her in front of Kamil and everyone else.

(As an aside, did anyone else find it funny that Kamil’s confidant in his grudge against Adam was Chris, who made his own play for Caitlin earlier in the season? They even had a private joke about how many times Adam used the word “bro.” Chris said it was up to 217.)

Caitlin did eventually kiss Adam, not as much as Illeana, but enough to say it was “sensual” and “hot.”

So her choices going into the rose ceremony were Kamil, who said Caitlin was his “ride or die chick,” or Adam, who said he wanted Caitlin to “feel like you’re in a fairy tale all the time.” Both those things sound like bad cliches, though if I had to choose I’d probably take the ride over being treated like a Disney princess.

Still, is anybody shocked that Caitlin handed the final rose of the night to Kamil? No? Didn’t think so.

The one woman who did seem genuinely conflicted about where her rose should go was Lisa.

With 11 men and seven roses, most of which were spoken for, Lisa was suddenly a hot commodity as Josh, David, Jeremy and Chris all claimed her attention, one after the other. Lisa had tears on her cheeks as the men made their pitches.

Josh Guvi was just one of four men vying for Lisa Mancini’s rose.

But could Chris’s pinky swear that he’d have her back at the next rose ceremony compete with Josh and Lisa’s shared kisses and love of Hawaiian pizza?

Well, no. David, Jeremy and Chris all went home, along with Adam.

Sadly we are now deprived of at least three bromances, if you count Chris’s with Kamil and Jeremy’s with Brendan M and Joey. In fact, Joey looked downright stricken as Jeremy said his goodbyes.

Hell yeah, cowboys get tears in their eyes when their best bros leave Camp Paradise.

Chris Kotelmach, who’s been one of the more colourful characters on the beach, said he was leaving as a stronger person after learning “so much in such a short period of time . . . This isn’t the end; this is when I truly get to live my life.”

David was less gracious, saying everyone on the beach was “so fake I’m like fuck this, get me out of here.”

The next day, with the power of the rose shifting back to the men, we saw two new women arrive: Bianka Kamber, the 37-year-old former “winner” of “Bachelor Canada” Season 1, and Nicole Cregg, a 25-year-old fan contestant from Toronto.

Alas, the attention focused on Bianka — and it wasn’t much — was all about her age while Nicole was singled out for her beauty. Nope, no ageism or sexism going on there.

The truly startling development came later when Mike suddenly announced in his confessional that Paradise was getting too comfortable and he wanted “to find my true match through discomfort.” Um, sure.

Furthermore, he didn’t take kindly to Kamil telling the other fellows to stay in their lanes. “I’m here to get in people’s lanes, figure out my best match and, as far as I see it, Kamil is a bicycle in a bicycle lane and I’m Mack truck Mike, and if you don’t move over I’m gonna run you off the road and that’s why I’m gonna ask Caitlin on a date.”

Let’s put aside the mental image of a truck running a bike off the road, which I can tell you is not a good look here in Toronto. But um, what?

That was pretty much Caitlin’s reaction when Mike interrupted her snuggle time with Kamil to ask her out, and also Stacy’s when he told her what he’d done. He claimed he was doing it so he could turn the “something good” he had with Stacy into “something great.”

So how does that work exactly? You like someone and you’ll like them even better if you go out with someone else? Huh?

Mike Ogilvie told Stacy Johnson he’d asked someone else out mid-snuggle.

Stacy pointed out that Mike had already had plenty of time to get to know other women and the timing was “quite interesting” given that the men now had the roses.

When Stacy told Vay what was up, Vay was incensed on Stacy’s behalf and rightly so. I mean Mike was probably just carrying out some stupid production directive, but he made Stacy cry and that definitely made me like him less. And, like, why would you want to be fourth in line to date Caitlin when you could have Stacy all to yourself? No offence to Caitlin, but Stacy is a catch.

Then, when Caitlin told Mike to get stuffed in a nice way, he was all “You are my love interest and potentially out of this my girlfriend or more” to Stacy.

You’ve got an interesting way of showing it, buddy.

So that was it, right? Everyone can go back to playing happy couples?

Kamil Nicalek chats with Nicole Cregg as Caitlin and her girl gang walk by.

No, not exactly. Kamil got chatting with new arrival Nicole, after admitting that her “natural beauty” had turned his head so much “my neck is killing me today.” But I guess it was OK because Nicole wasn’t yet attached to a man whose permission Kamil had to ask. He was grinning like a fool and boasting about how everyone else called him “the mayor of Paradise” (nope) and brushing a (imaginary?) bug away from her shoulder.

Can I get a bigger eye roll?

It was enough to drive Caitlin into her cabin, crying. “Why don’t I get my happiness and my love story? I’ve had enough,” she said.

Well, buckle up Caitlin. Next week, two more women hit the beach and there’s something called the “Camp Paradise bonfire,” which is apparently designed to spark tensions. It looks like somebody who isn’t Lisa kisses Josh and Brendan Morgan decides to exercise his romantic options, which has Angela in tears . . . again.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Day 1 team under threat on Bachelor in Paradise Canada

November 1, 2021 /
Illeana Pennetto went on two dates on “Bachelor in Paradise Canada.” Hint: neither
of them was with Brendan Scanzano. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos courtesy of Citytv

Do you know what happens when a dog pees to mark its territory? Every other dog that walks by tries to pee on that exact spot.

So there’s a big flaw in Kamil Nicalek’s analogy suggesting he’s warning other men off his territory at Camp Paradise, i.e. Caitlin, the same way his dog does when he takes a leak. That’s not how it works, bro.

Take Brendan Scanzano, for instance. No one has marked his figurative territory better than him since “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” began, with him and Illeana virtually inseparable since Day 1.

But if you want to stick with the pee analogy, new arrival Adam Kunder unleashed a veritable fire hose on Brendan’s turf in Sunday’s episode when he took Illeana on not one but two dates.

How will this triangle work out? We’ll have to wait till next week to find out where Illeana bestows her rose.

But given that the strongest couple on the beach appears to be threatened, Lisa Mancini might have had the right idea when she joked on a previous episode about having a “Bachelor” show for friendships. Four weeks into “Paradise Canada,” the bromances and womances are looking more solid than any boy-girl pairing.

Kamil Nicalek was throwing shade on Sunday, mostly toward new arrival Adam Kunder.

For instance, Kamil was boiling mad and ready to defend his best friend Brendan S, to the point that his aggressive attitude was freaking Caitlin out. (Although to be clear, the most he threatened to do was to flick Adam’s backwards baseball cap off his head.) I kind of get Kamil’s defensiveness. I don’t want to see Brendan get hurt either, although Caitlin also has a point: Illeana is a grown-ass woman and can make her own decisions.

Not everyone was pulling for Brendan S and Illeana. Joey expressed the opinion that Illeana was being “suffocated” by Brendan and told him to his face he was like “a lost little puppy” following Illeana home.

On a more thoughtful note, Joey also theorized that Brendan — who shared how much he longed for a regular family life since his parents had split up when he was 3 — was looking for a committed relationship to help him feel whole. So maybe we’ll just call him Dr. Joey from now on.

Brendan was already fretting about Illeana’s level of commitment the night before Adam arrived when she left him to chat first with Alex and then Jeremy. (And I have to come clean here. I said last week that the promo showed Alex kissing Illeana, but that was Kit he was smooching. Sorry, wrong blond.)

To put things in perspective, these folks had been hanging out for just seven days by the time Adam showed up. That’s more summer vacation romance than put a ring on it, although Brendan said he was ready to leave Paradise with Illeana.

On the other hand, Illeana did tell Brendan during a romantic hot tub encounter, “There’s really no way that someone could come in and take your place.”

So how did she go from that to telling besties Angela and Caitlin that she got “a lot deeper” with Windsor, Ontario firefighter Adam after just one date?

Well, kissing had something to do with it, lots and lots of kissing. Sure, Illeana might say it was the fact she and Adam both like to meditate and journal (although he calls his daily entry a “mission statement”), and that they had deep conversation (he told her he’d been engaged and had a friend die in a tragic accident), but Adam himself hit the nail on the head: “The sexual chemistry is out of control.”

Illeana Pennetto and Adam Kunder, reigning queen and king of “Paradise” triangles.

Bartender Kevin Wendt, who has a front-row seat to all the action, told other cast members that “from minute 2 to hour 5, they were just making out,” “they” being Illeana and Adam.

It’s worth noting this isn’t the first time we’ve seen a “Bachelor” show makeout sesh in a bouncy castle — yes, I’m talking about Nick Viall and Corinne Olympios — although at least Illeana didn’t straddle Adam, not that we saw on camera anyway.

But let’s take a break from the Illeana, Adam and Brendan S show to talk about other folks.

The only person as disappointed as Brendan to see Adam arrive was Chris.

He put on his best man bun in anticipation of a new woman hitting the beach and possibly saving his ass from elimination, but nope, just another dude.

Oh well, there’s always a friendship rose from Lisa. Oops, wait, is that Lisa kissing Josh in a hot tub?

Yeah, the Josh and Angela flirtation from last episode lasted only as long as it took for Brendan Morgan to reclaim Angela after she got back from her date with Josh. She admitted to “a smooch” with Josh but melted when Brendan told her, “Honestly, today has kind of been an eye-opening day for me. It helped me realize how much I actually like you.”

So Josh rediscovered his admiration for Lisa being her quirky, cos-playing self. Lisa felt he was being genuine and not just rose-hunting, and I’d like to believe that too, because I want nothing but good things for Lisa. But if Josh truly is a “Bachelor Nation” fan, as the cast list claims, he probably knows how to play the game.

So who did Chris zero in on when Lisa’s rose seemed uncertain? Would you believe Vay?

Chris Kotelmach with Veronique “Vay” Paquette, his third shot after Caitlin and Stacy.

Not only did he tell Vay he had more than a casual interest in her, he asked Joey, Vay’s Paradise flame, to consider sending her on a date with Chris. Like I’ve said before, the dude’s got some balls.

Joey, with an eye roll, described Chris’s manoeuvres as throwing a hook in the water but without any bait on the hook. He also speculated Chris would hit on the camera woman next.

You might be wondering why Chris would ask Joey to send him on a date. It’s because Joey was given a card that invested him with the power to send any two of his fellow campers on a rendezvous.

He flirted with the idea of sending Adam on another date, but with Caitlin this time, who was down with it. She was feeling underappreciated by Kamil, given how much attention he’d focused on supporting his buddy Brendan S, and also stressed since Brendan and Illeana were both friends.

But, in the end, Joey sent Adam and Illeana on yet another date.

Why? I suspect producer influence had more to do with it than Adam’s promise of Calgary Stampede tickets.

This time it was a hockey date, but the scoring appeared to be about tongues in mouths rather than pucks in nets.

Still, Illeana intimated that Adam wasn’t a shoo-in for her rose.

So next week we find out who she’s gonna pick. Meanwhile, Lisa stresses over who to give her rose to (given Chris’s entertainment value to the producers, my money would be on him). There’s also more tension between Kamil and Adam. And is there trouble ahead for Kamil and Caitlin, the other longest lasting couple in Paradise so far?

In the promo, we hear Mike Ogilvie saying that “Kamil is just on a downward spiral on his way out of Paradise” and “I’m Mack truck Mike and if you don’t move over I’m gonna run you off the road.” Is that Caitlin we see Mike asking out on a date? I don’t know for sure, but that’s definitely Stacy crying.

You can tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And don’t forget “Bachelor After Show: After Paradise” at 9:30 p.m. If you want to talk Paradise with me you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

Bachelor in Paradise ends with proposals, despite visit from ex

October 6, 2021 /
The cast of “Bachelor in Paradise” with guest host Wells Adams before the couples started
dropping like flies. PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

We mostly got the ending we deserved on “Bachelor in Paradise.”

The pandemic-delayed seventh season finished with the two best couples on the beach engaged — along with a third that, let’s admit it, we were all skeptical about — but not before an idiotic bit of production trickery that was a truly lame attempt to inject drama into the overlong finale.

Kendall Long had absolutely no business being on the beach the day her ex, Joe Amabile, got engaged to Serena Pitt. But there she was, walking down the stairs and onto the platform where Joe was waiting for Serena, delivering a gratuitous speech about how she’d come to Paradise to fully let go of Joe, blah, blah, blah, and now she was “really excited” for him and Serena.

“I felt I couldn’t leave this beach without fully expressing that to you,” Kendall said.

Kendall Long has one final, ridiculous talk with Joe Amabile.

Well, she could have and, in fact, had left the beach already. Whether her return was her idea or the producers’ — I’m going with the latter — it was tawdry and ridiculous.

To add insult to injury, after Kendall left, Joe grimaced and walked away from the platform while the newly engaged Kenny and Mari, watching from above, speculated that Kendall’s visit had put Joe off proposing. I’d like to think Joe walked away to collect himself because he was pissed at the producers, but I’m guessing it was all part of the script, the one that was supposed to make us think that Joe and Serena might not end up together.

Here’s the thing: while the drama is certainly part of the Paradise experience, at the end of it all we want love and a promise of marriage. And we got to see some beautiful, touching, tear-inducing moments between Joe and Serena, Kenny and Mari, and Riley and Maurissa as they all confirmed their love for each other, respectively, on their fantasy suite dates.

And then we watched Kenny and Mari, and Riley and Maurissa get engaged. Joe and Serena seemed so head over heels there could be no doubt that they were about to do the same thing, which is why trying to make it look like Joe’s ex was going to come between them was insulting, cynical and pointless.

After eight weeks of villains and triangles and quadrangles and jerks who were only there to jack their social media followings, we deserved to bask in the reflected glow of the couples who made it to the end without a last ditch bit of production nonsense.

Kenny Braasch, Mari Pepin-Solis, Serena Pitt, Joe Amabile, Maurissa Gunn and Riley Christian
celebrate their engagements on the “Bachelor in Paradise” finale

And the episode did not need to be three hours long, especially since it didn’t include an “After the Final Rose” segment. We had to settle for captions on a video recap of the season that told us the three engaged pairs were still together.

And what of the others who coupled up during the season?

We already knew that Noah Erb and Abigail Heringer were breaking up after last week’s episode. The start of this week’s belaboured the point by showing more of Noah’s and Abigail’s teary parting, with each declaring they weren’t each other’s “person.” Except, we found out later that they’ve started seeing each other again and are taking things “slowly.”

At the next night’s rose ceremony, Thomas and Becca, James and Anna, Aaron and Tia, and Ed and Mykenna agreed to stick together (leaving Chelsea and Natasha to go home alone). Since the latter three pairs had been hanging out for mere days, if not hours, it can’t have come as a shock that they all broke up after Dean Unglert and Caelynn Miller-Keyes — yep, they’re what now passes for a Paradise success story — told them the next day that, essentially, they had to shit or get off the pot with fantasy suites happening that night.

Ed seemed to really want that fantasy suite. Mykenna told him three times that she just wasn’t that into him before he finally stopped trying to MacGyver a relationship between them.

Anna went more quickly after James told her her couldn’t see them falling in love. But James didn’t leave alone. He took his bromantic partner Aaron with him — after Aaron perpetrated what might be the speediest breakup in Paradise history.

“I know we’ve hung out the last couple of days,” he told Tia. “It’s been great and I actually care about you, but James is waiting right now. We’re about to bounce.”

Aaron Clancy and James Bonsall, who should have been voted most likely to live happily ever after.

And bounce they did, happily riding off in the same van.

“I love you, bro,” said James.

“Dude, that’s facts. How do I feel about you, bro?” replied Aaron.

“You’re my world, bro,” whispered James.

Apparently, they’re now roommates and BFFs, so whoever says you can’t find love on a “Bachelor” show is misinformed.

And then there were Thomas and Becca. Thomas was gung ho to take their relationship outside Paradise, telling Becca, “When I Iook at you, everything inside me screams I’m falling in love with you.” But Becca said their connection seemed too good to be true and she couldn’t leave with someone she didn’t fully know.

Thomas Jacobs and Becca Kufrin made it past the last rose ceremony but not the fantasy suites.

I know lots of people have accused Thomas of being fake, but he cried what looked to me like real tears after Becca dumped him, begging her in seeming anguish to “Let me go!” when she ran after him for a final hug. According to the end-of-episode montage, Becca later had a change of heart and they’re now dating and in love.

There was nothing left then but for the final three couples to have their fantasy suite dates and lay the groundwork for the next day’s proposals with the requisite voice-overs about potential cold feet.

The highlights include:

Serena telling Joe she was in love with him and Joe mock-protesting “I was gonna say that later. You’re saying that now?” Serena crying happy tears in her confessional explaining how she felt about Joe. And Joe tearing up when he told Serena that the night they said they were falling in love with each other meant more to him “than anything that’s ever happened to me.”

Oh, and Joe telling Serena he was into her smile, her charm, her looks and her “Toronto accent.”

Riley telling Maurissa about a fantasy he’d had since he was 21 of waking up on a Sunday morning with his wife and daughter, then telling Maurissa, “When I see you, I see Sunday morning.” And during the proposal, Riley and Maurissa confessing they’d fallen in love with each other on their first date.

And even with Kenny and Mari there were sweet moments, notwithstanding that at one point this season Kenny was having sex with Demi and dating Tia at the same time. As he said to Mari during his proposal, “We were tested like no other couple in Paradise.” And his hand shook endearingly as he put the Neil Lane ring on Mari’s finger.

When all was said and done, it was a lovely end to the season. If my favourite couple, Joe and Serena, rewatch it, I’d just fast-forward through the bit with Kendall.

There was one other update that seemed to cheer fans on Twitter.

Wannabe influencers Brendan Morais and Pieper James, we were told, “are laying low,” while the woman Brendan strung along, Natasha Parker, “has over 460,000 followers on Instagram.”

As for me, I’ll be back recapping “Bachelor in Paradise Canada” starting next week — it airs Oct. 10 at 8 p.m. on Citytv — and the new season of “The Bachelorette” the week after that.

You can visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

One couple finds heartbreak at the Bachelor in Paradise prom

September 29, 2021 /
The remaining cast of “Bachelor in Paradise” cut loose at a 1980s-style prom.
PHOTO CREDIT: All photos except screen grabs Craig Sjodin/ABC

“Bachelor in Paradise” got nostalgic on Tuesday, sending the remaining cast members to a 1980s-themed prom. And if you think about it, some of the plot developments in the penultimate episode of the season would have been at home in an ’80s movie.

A villain got caught in a lie and got his comeuppance; a new girl got shunned but then got a date after all; a popular couple got named prom king and queen. But if it was a real ’80s movie, Noah and Abigail would have settled their differences and we would have left them kissing while a synthesizer-heavy song played over the end credits.

Instead, the Day 1 couple appeared to have broken up, one of the more surprising twists in an episode filled with them — they even got voted couple most likely to live happily ever after at the prom, for crying out loud.

But Noah told Abigail he didn’t think she was his person and we left her crying in a bathroom. We’ll get back to them later.

First things first, we had the unfinished business from last week of Ivan and Aaron feuding over Chelsea. To refresh your memory, Aaron was coupled up with Chelsea, but then she and Ivan started flirting and kissing right in front of Aaron. So Aaron got in Ivan’s face to the point we were supposed to believe it might get physical (it didn’t).

To Aaron, it was a clear case of Ivan making a desperate, last ditch attempt to get a rose, but the rest of the beach seemed to side with Ivan, especially after he claimed Chelsea was the one who asked him to talk. Except it was a lie.

Ivan got caught in the lie, both by Chelsea denying it and, for those of us watching at home, by footage of him asking Chelsea to chat. And that’s not all.

Turns out Ivan only wanted Chelsea’s rose so he could hang around and wait for Alexa from Peter Weber’s season to arrive (no, I don’t remember her either).

I assume a lot of people thought Ivan and Chelsea had already hooked up after last week’s teaser that something had happened in the hotel where the cast waited out the tropical storm. Instead, Ivan spent several hours with Alexa, who was at the hotel waiting to join the cast, after seeing her room number on a producer’s phone screen.

Clearly Ivan was set up. In what universe does a producer just happen to leave their phone in a cast member’s room with classified information right there on the screen? I don’t think any of the contestants so much as fart without the producers knowing about it.

Ivan Hall comes clean to other cast members with Wells Adams looking on.

But Ivan — coincidentally, the second man from the Clayshia “Bachelorette” season to go from fan favourite to villain after Brendan Morais — had dug his own hole by lying and verbally attacking Aaron so his only choice was to send himself home. First he got a talking to from Riley, though, who had staunchly defended Ivan against Aaron. “We’re supposed to be better than that, man. We’re better men,” Riley told him. Well, maybe you are.

With Ivan gone, eight women handed out roses with utterly predictable results. If you hadn’t figured out that Natasha was going to choose Ed over Brendan defender Dr. Joe, and that Tia was picking James over Blake — her dancing vagina notwithstanding — you weren’t paying attention.

Dr. Joe and Blake departed, along with Demar.

But with the balance of power shifting back to the men, new women were bound to arrive — although it always seems a bit sadistic to bring new cast members in just before the end when everybody’s already coupled up.

And, indeed, Anna Redman, one of the villains from Matt James’ “Bachelor” season who arrived with date card in hand, was shut down by Kenny and Thomas, who were sticking with Mari and Becca. But she lucked out with James Bonsall and can you blame him? Tia had given him a rose but only after her dalliance with Blake, so they weren’t exactly a sure thing.

Anna and James on their date when they weren’t being turned into human pastries.

As it turned out, Anna and James bonded after yet another weird date — I mean, who put the person with the food fetish in charge of all the dates this season?

First, they turned themselves into human churros, i.e. Mexican doughnuts, by rolling in sugar and drizzling chocolate on each other. Then, after rinsing off, they got his and hers massages with really big snakes on each of their backs. Like, WTAF?

It was nothing a few flutes of champagne and a makeout session in a hot tub couldn’t make better.

Then it was Mykenna Dorn’s turn to taste rejection. The Canadian fashion blogger from Peter’s season, whom we saw at the Paradise VIP party a few episodes ago, also zeroed in on men who were already taken, including Thomas and Riley. But it seemed like she might have a shot with Aaron, who wasn’t exactly acting like he was committed to Chelsea — except Aaron turned down Mykenna’s invitation.

Mykenna cried — and cried and cried — while the other cast members stood around and watched her from a distance. And then they all gawked some more when Ed rode (well, walked really) to the rescue and asked Mykenna to take him on the date. Mykenna very nearly rejected him but finally relented after Ed assured her they’d have fun even if they hated each other.

Mykenna’s tears had dried after she and Ed had their disco date.

By the time they rollerbladed their way to dinner in a disco ball-festooned room, Mykenna had developed a new appreciation for Ed’s “dreamy eyes” and also his lips.

But the downside to Ed’s chivalry was that Natasha found herself odd woman out — again. First Brendan strung her along waiting for Pieper to arrive, then Dr. Joe froze her out in loyalty to Brendan and now Ed appeared to be dumping her for Mykenna. Is it any wonder she stayed in bed “sick” while everybody else put on gaudy clothes and went off to the prom?

But before that happened, there was some trouble in Paradise, pun intended, for two of the established couples.

Kenny told Mari after the rose ceremony he had doubts about their long-term prospects, not to mention their passion — sour cream sucking be damned — because he felt she wasn’t as sure about him as he was about her.

The solution turned out to be a visit to the beach from a bruja, or witch, who had Mari and Kenny waft smoke on each other, stare deeply into a mirror and rub candles on each other’s bodies and — presto chango! — they were back to smooching happily on a beach bed.

And then there were Noah and Abigail. Abigail had confessed to Wells, doing double host and bartending duty, that she wasn’t as secure with Noah as everybody thought because she wasn’t sure how he felt about her. But when Noah told Abigail he was falling in love with her, she didn’t say it back.

But never mind the foreboding for a minute because prom!

I have to say that the “promposals” between Serena and Joe, and Becca and Thomas, and Maurissa and Riley, and Mari and Kenny were terribly sweet — yes, even Kenny holding a sign in front of his unmentionables.

There were racks of clothes and accessories for everyone to choose from — although according to Aaron, who said he’d never “been to the ’80s,” “based on the wardrobe selects I’m inclined to think everyone was a professional clown.”

Nonetheless, the cast took their ruffled and bowed and brightly coloured selves to a ballroom where a band was playing “Super Freak” and Wells was spiking the punch. There was even a guy sneaking out on the girl he’d come with to make out with another girl.

That would be Aaron, who grabbed Tia — the only woman there without a date — took her outside, put a corsage on her wrist and a serious smooching on her lips, all without bothering to say anything to Chelsea. As she eloquently put it, “As far as I’m concerned, he can kick rocks barefoot.”

Wells names Joe Amabile and Serena Pitt king and queen of the prom.

Wells gave out awards — Biggest Flirt to Kenny, Best Kisser of Toes to Maurissa — and named Joe and Serena prom king and queen. Besides the fact they are adorable together, they were the only couple Tuesday who acknowledged having had serious conversations about their post-Paradise future.

Maybe they should have been named couple most like to live happily ever after instead of Noah and Abigail.

Abigail said she was ready to tell Noah she was falling in love with him too, but before she got the chance Noah told her that despite his strong feelings for her, he wasn’t sure she was the perfect woman for him. He had a gut feeling, he said, that he’d been trying to ignore but that he was afraid wasn’t going to go away.

Noah and Abigail at the prom before Noah dropped his truth bomb.

Abigail said she felt blindsided and lied to, and escaped to the ladies room for a cry.

And that’s where we left things until next week’s season finale — which is another three hours, so brace yourselves.

The worst part is that the promo showed Joe’s ex Kendall coming back and I’m guessing she won’t be there to help Joe pick out an engagement ring for Serena, if he’s planning to go that route.

I mean what part of “Joe’s done with Kendall” do she and the producers not understand? Get lost Kendall. Go home and stuff some dead mice.

Whatever happens, you can watch it Tuesday at 8 p.m. on  Citytv.com. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo

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