for them when they got back to Playa Escondida. PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC
I don’t enjoy math so I was never going to be keen on “Geometry Beach.” But here’s one formula I can wrap my head around: the greater the minutes of filler relative to the actual happenings on “Bachelor in Paradise” the more boring the episode.
And man, was Tuesday’s episode a stinker! Ostensibly it was going to be the . . . most . . . dramatic . . . yet, since the OG women were heading back to the beach and the men who had strayed were going to have to explain themselves, but most of what we got was endless commentary before, during and after the breakups/reconciliations.
I mean, seriously, this is why we’re being made to endure two episodes a week? For all this filler? And we’re not even getting another rose ceremony until sometime next week?
Hopefully I’m not going to bore you as much as the producers did, so let’s get to the meat of the matter.
Monday’s episode set up the (non)action to come on Tuesday, laying out the various love (lust) triangles that factored into what Johnny called “Geometry Beach.”
We started with the confrontation between Lace and Rodney. Lace, you might recall from last week, had hitched a ride from the Estates at Vidanta to Playa Escondida to check up on her man, who was out on a date with Eliza.
There was no “Hurricane Lace” or “Lacifer,” despite the buildup. Rodney gave Lace the bad news that he had moved on as gently and apologetically as he could. Lace was sad, she cried, she went home, end of story.
So why is this show painting the women as forces of destruction for, uh, showing emotions?
Back at the Vidanta, the other exiled women learned from host Jesse Palmer that Lace had “left Paradise forever” — so she won’t be parachuted back in as a plot device then? — and those six were quizzed about whether they were open to exploring new connections with the five new men.
Turns out Victoria was interested in exploring things with Alex and Brittany was into Tyler. And for reasons I can’t fathom — maybe ABC has some deal with its Australian counterparts? — the women deemed Adam from “Bachelorette Australia” worthy of sticking around. But they had zero interest in Rick and Olu, so those two got sent home.
Shanae was also attracted to Tyler — she wanted to take him to the boom boom room, after all — but also claimed to still be thinking about Logan.
Logan, however, sure didn’t seem to be thinking about Shanae. Not only had he gone on a very kissy face date with Sarah, he had now developed a “groundbreaking” connection with Kate. How, you might ask, since Kate seemed to be attached at the lips and the crotch to Jacob? Why, a 1:23 a.m. conversation on one of the beach beds.
So when a date card magically appeared for Kate, she took “sweet baby Jacob” for a talk and confessed that she was more into Logan. Poor Sarah didn’t get the courtesy of a talk from Logan until after Kate had invited him on the date in front of everybody.
And speaking of magical date cards, Victoria got one too and used it to explore Alex, a.k.a. “every girl’s fucking dream.”
The main points of interest seemed to be that Alex wasn’t frightened away by Victoria’s contention that she wanted five kids (!) and that Alex had rubbed Victoria’s head as she was dozing on the couch.
“Physical touch is my love language,” she said. And if one more person uses the phrase “love language” I’m gonna barf.
Speaking of touch, Brittany and Tyler went on a “date” of their own by the pool that involved lots of smooching. So the stage was set for various awkward reunions back at the beach.
We saw Genevieve and Aaron reconnect first and why did we spend so much time on this one? We already knew they had stayed true to each other, so whatever.
Then we had an inordinate amount of “heads are gonna roll” scene-setting for Shanae’s reunion with Logan and guess what, they didn’t.
Sure, Shanae was upset to hear that Logan felt more “heard and seen” by Kate, but why wouldn’t she be? And when Logan tried to blame his pursuit of Kate on Shanae hurting his feelings with her dalliance with James she was well within her rights to ask why he hadn’t expressed that hurt at the time. Damn straight she walked away without giving Logan a hug.
For Logan and Kate to then rub salt in the wound by slobbering over each other in full sight of Shanae and everyone else, as the other cast members cheered them on, was disrespectful and insensitive.
Shanae’s new best friend Genevieve — and by extension, the producers — talked Shanae into having another go at Logan. The idea was obviously to make it seem like Shanae 2.0 was reverting back into the bully we saw on Clayton’s “Bachelor” season.
Look, I’m not going to defend Shanae’s behaviour back then. I was disgusted by it, particularly her mockery of Elizabeth’s ADHD, but she wasn’t bullying anybody on the beach on Tuesday.
Kate, who seems to really like the sound of her own voice, was the one gloating over how she had triumphed over Shanae. She was the one who forced Shanae into a conversation she didn’t want to have. And then we had Aaron’s misogynistic commentary: Shanae was a “Shanaedo” who didn’t belong on the beach; Shanae should be straitjacketed in a padded room; Shanae should be abducted by aliens and taken to a planet that better suited her personality.
All this because she was sad and angry over being rejected for another woman? Did the beach suddenly get transported back into the 19th century or something?
The breakups continued.
After Jacob told Jill she wasn’t the woman for him, she tearfully decided to go home but not without giving viewers a last laugh: “A Lyft driver and you break my fucking heart. He sold his couch for cash and I fucking cried over him,” she said as the SUV of Shame pulled away.
Brittany and Andrew had a very civilized conversation, agreeing to part ways to purse Tyler and Jessenia, respectively.
Thankfully, we finally got to see Serene reunite with Brandon and it was as adorable and heart-swelling as it needed to be. They told each other they loved each other and can we just skip to the end where these two get engaged already?
That left Victoria and Johnny, who claimed to be falling for Victoria and looked genuinely stricken when she told him about her date with Alex.
There then followed a long, circular conversation about how Alex checked boxes for Victoria, whether Victoria did or didn’t have a list of requirements for Johnny to fulfil, and whether Johnny was or wasn’t ready for an engagement, not to mention marriage and a family, which Victoria wanted, like, yesterday.
I still don’t know the answer after all that talk but heads up! Alex, Tyler and Adam were heading to the beach.
Tyler and Brittany reaffirmed their interest in each other and then there was this weird situation where Jessenia pulled Tyler away for a private chat. And it was totally stupid because we all know that Jessenia likes Andrew. It was meant to support the fiction of a feud between the original women and the new women. And really, producers, really?
Johnny, meanwhile, said he felt sick to his stomach watching Victoria with Alex. Those two went for a talk of their own, also without a resolution. It would seem to be pretty clear cut: if Johnny is unwilling to commit and Alex shares Victoria’s desire to start a family pronto, wouldn’t Alex be Victoria’s match, no matter the quality of the breakfasts with Johnny? Victoria, however, said she was still confused.
It appears that she will stay confused next week. Also, the producers will play a dirty trick on Rodney by bringing Justin back to go on a date with Eliza. I like Justin, but this is what we’re doing now? Bringing back people who didn’t get roses just to cause mayhem?
Also, Hayden and the twins from Rachel’s and Gabby’s season turn up. And why? Nobody cares about the twins, nobody cares about Hayden.
But if you’re still watching, you can tune in next Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on Citytv. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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