B stands for bling and breakups, bare ass naked and black bars, even biblical — a word you wouldn’t normally associate with “Bachelor in Paradise.”
It doesn’t stand for boring, at least not with all the drama in Tuesday’s episode, unless you’re Abigail trying to figure out why Noah doesn’t want to ravish you.
Bartender and rose ceremony ringmaster Wells Adams called it: “I’ve done this for five years. This is the craziest I’ve ever seen Paradise.”
One thing we haven’t seen so far this season: a Tanner and Jade, or even an Ashley and Jared.
Relationships seem to dissipate almost as quickly as Kenny strips off his clothes, which he did for a nude volleyball date (more on that later).
First things first: that “to be continued” Aaron-Thomas confrontation, the one that everyone was pretending might end in physical violence? Pffffft. Thomas walked away from Aaron and then Aaron had it out with Tammy, seeming more concerned about the “humiliation” of everyone pitying him than any feelings he had for her.
He warned her that she’d regret choosing Thomas: “He’s not a good person.” Whether that last part is true, we already know Aaron has a point about the first part due to the magic of promos: Thomas’s eye will soon wander to Becca Kufrin, who joined the cast Tuesday.
Meanwhile, Deandra was caught up in a sort of battle of the bling, if we can stretch the definition of bling to include “ugly ass jewelry,” in the words of Demi.
You’ll recall that Pandora bracelet that Karl gave Deandra? Chasen “one-uppered” him with a sparkly necklace that Deandra described as gorgeous but Demi called hideous. Then Deandra gave the bracelet back to Karl, which had Karl calling Chasen “Captain Upper Pants,” whatever the hell that means.
Commentators like Demi and Noah were dubious that either piece of jewelry would hold much sway with Deandra and they were correct: at the rose ceremony, during which she was conspicuously not wearing Chasen’s necklace, she gave her flower to Ivan. I think it’s safe to say Bachelor Nation heartily approves that choice.
So Karl and Chasen were gone, whatever, but we also lost Connor the Cat. His questionable taste in beach outfits aside, I found that kind of sad.
His wasn’t the only departure to be mourned on Tuesday.
Tre decided that Tahzjuan wasn’t his person and it was time for him to go, but he hoped his leaving would enable Tahz to find love with someone else. Alas, Tahz declared she was done with love and she left too. She departed, wrapped in a blanket in the back of an SUV, with the immortal words “I’m crying, sweating, crying more. It’s a lot.”
Around the time that was happening, departing guest host Lance Bass gathered everyone together for an announcement he said was going to “change everything.” Maybe that’s an infinitesimal bit true in the sense that a former Bachelorette has never competed on “Bachelor in Paradise” before. But really, as great as Becca is, she’s just another cast member.
Within minutes, “Bachelor in Paradise” had turned into a mini “Bachelorette” episode as all the men who weren’t already in twosomes jostled for time with Becca, interrupting each other to get their turns.
Aaron — whom Becca pointed out would have been in Grade 8 when she was a high school senior — seemed especially stoked, declaring, “If I could get a rose from Becca that would be absolutely biblical.”
And he did indeed get Becca’s rose, although I suspect that had as much to do with production wanting to keep him around for future Thomas conflict as with Becca’s interest in him.
Most of the roses handed out were givens, including Natasha’s to Brendan, Maurissa’s to Ivan, Serena’s to Joe, Abigail’s to Noah, Jessenia’s to Chris, Tammy’s to Thomas and Demi’s to Kenny. Mari gave hers to James.
To tell the truth, when the season started I would not have pegged Kenny as the hottest commodity on the beach. But after starting out with Mari then getting snapped up by Demi, complete with a visit to the boom boom room, he was quickly targeted by new arrival Tia Booth, who was praying for “a great, godly man” with abs — Kenny fulfills at least the second part of that wish list.
Despite Demi’s insistence that she was sexier and more fun than Tia — “The only thing worse than Tia’s gaydar is her denim shorts,” Demi sniped, referring to Tia’s previous liaison with Colton Underwood — Kenny agreed to a date with Tia, explaining to Demi, “I didn’t feel like we were full on dating.” No, just full on fornicating, I guess.
Tia and Kenny went strolling on a beach only to be approached by a man and two women who wanted to play volleyball, and then the strangers started getting naked, right down to the “full china pots” and “full flaccid wiener,” to use Tia’s vernacular. Turns out they were in a no-clothes zone.
“I’m thinking about the conversation that’s appropriate for a first date; now we’re seeing labia,” Tia said.
Fretting that her parents and Bible study group would be watching the show, she agreed to go as far as taking her bikini top off. Kenny went full monty, like anyone would be surprised by that. And then they all played a game of black-bar beach volleyball.
Afterwards, Tia and Kenny toasted to seeing each other’s tits and schlong, and got on with the obligatory smooching, despite Tia’s fear that Demi would murder her in her bed.
Back on the beach, the apparent breakup of Noah and Abigail seemed to have rattled some folks, or at least that’s how they played it for the camera.
To be honest, I can’t tell if it’s an actual break or just a blip.
It began with Abigail complaining to the other women that she and Noah kissed and stuff, but “we’re not we can’t keep our hands off each other” a la Maurissa and Riley.
So Abigail asked Noah, “Why are we both holding back?” saying she felt like they were more than friends but not at a “relationship level” yet.
“I don’t normally kiss my friends,” retorted Noah.
He also suggested he wasn’t getting the responses he wanted from Abigail.
“Are we able to even get to what we want by the end of this, is the question,” he said.
The talk ended with Noah saying he was going to pull back and going for a sad, solo walk in the surf while Abigail had a cry.
That left Serena and Joe, who you have to admit are pretty adorable together, deciding they were now the strongest couple on the beach but . . . oh oh, here comes Joe’s ex, Kendall.
Not only did she look gorgeous, she was laser-focused on Joe, saying, “My worst fear is walking down and seeing him holding hands with somebody.”
As the episode ended, Kendall headed straight to the beach bed where Joe was lounging with Serena, said “Hey butthead” and asked to talk, to which Joe’s response was “Fuuuuck.”
Next week, look for more Joe-Serena-Kendall and Noah-Abigail drama; Mari and Demi still pursuing Kenny; and Brendan dumping Natasha for new arrival Pieper, like we didn’t see that coming.
You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv.com. And you can comment here, visit my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter @realityeo
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