Bachelor recap: Naked greed for Kat, an early exit for Jess

Naked bodies at a nude sauna in Estonia weren’t the only things exposed on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor.”

The shallowness of some of Zach Shallcross’s supposed “connections” was also revealed when Jess Girod went home early.

Sure, Jess sounded like a broken record when she kept repeating that she was the only one left without a one-on-one date (actually, Greer hadn’t had one either, but Greer was out of commission with COVID-19), but Jess had a point.

Zach basically told her that one-on-ones aren’t important, but that’s nonsense: they are.

It’s not unprecedented for a woman to make final four without a one-on-one — Corinne Olympios did it on Nick Viall’s season — but it’s pretty rare, as is getting to hometowns when you’re the last person to get an individual date.

So Jess had reason for concern. What was really interesting was watching Zach keep reassuring Jess that he was “confident about us” as she cried and expressed her fears, and then watching him tune out when she wouldn’t stop talking about wanting a one-on-one.

And suddenly it was “I’m not feeling that confident” from Zach.

“I’m not begging for you, I’m not doing that,” Jess told Zach tearfully before he walked her out.

After, as a van took her away, Jess asked, “If it’s someone I wanna marry wouldn’t I want to feel like he wants to take me on a date? So for him to be shocked that I’m, like, hurt is crazy to me.”

Yes, us too, Jess.

Zach cried after Jess left and was supposedly so broken up that he ended the group date after-party without giving out a rose. Why all the emotion for someone he’d only ever gone on group dates with? Who knows?

Speaking of dates, Charity finally got her one-on-one after it was cancelled in London, England, when Zach got COVID.

(And speaking of COVID, I have questions. If Greer only talked to Zach through a video screen, whom did she get COVID from? And if she had it, how come none of the other women did?)

But not so fast! Zach had been locked away in his room and Kat had to make up for lost time! So she whisked Zach into the hallway before he and Charity could set off to coo at and kiss him.

“Call me greedy, but I don’t care,” she told Zach.

OK, you’re greedy. And she very much cared when she was called out for stepping on Charity’s moment.

Gabi noted that Zach had lip gloss on his lips when he came back into the hotel suite “which I don’t think he applied himself.”

After Kat burbled about how much she had missed Zach, Aly told her, “If that would have happened before my date it would have messed me up in the head.”

Brooklyn was more blunt and I’m here for it. She described Kat’s steal as tactless and selfish, and then Kat started complaining about “offensive words” being used and I’m sorry, but get over yourself. More on all this later.

Back to Charity’s date. It wasn’t a princess date, but she and Zach tooled around picturesque Tallinn in a horse-drawn carriage.

Not quite as romantic: entering the “wife-carrying” race they, ahem, just happened to stumble on, which involved Zach running an obstacle course while carrying Charity on his back — with her face in his ass.

The friendly Estonian who invited them to enter the race told them it was a really popular sport and I was pretty skeptical but, unless Google is punking me, there are even wife-carrying world championships held in Finland, which Estonia has won a bunch of times. Go figure.

Charity also got to partake in more dignified local customs like drinking booze that made her gag, sampling sweet almonds — what is Zach’s obsession with tossing food into the women’s mouths? — and marzipan.

That was all just the appetizer for the confessional main course.

The women have regularly revealed past relationship trauma on the dinner portion of the one-on-ones and Charity was no different.

She told Zach she had been emotionally abused, cheated on and manipulated in her previous relationship and it was still clearly very hard for Charity to talk about.

Points to Zach for holding her hand and comforting her. Points taken away for him comparing his experiences to hers, saying he too had lost himself in his previous relationship.

First off, I hope he’s not still talking about Rachel Recchia. Secondly, I don’t think that not being able to remember your favourite music is in the same ball park as emotional manipulation. Third, isn’t that kind of comparison of dissimilar situations exactly what Zach got mad at Greer for?

Alas, Charity got the date rose and said she was “100 per cent falling for Zach.” I foresee heartbreak in her future.

The group date was next. There always seems to be at least one “woo woo” date when “The Bachelor” visits a foreign country and this was it.

Brooklyn, Kaity, Kat, Gabi, Aly and Jess met up with Zach and an Estonian grand witch whom the show didn’t even bother to name with a chyron. And, of course, she was there to help them find love and to cleanse negative energy, a hard chore as Brooklyn continued to glower at Kat.

“There’s not enough sage in the world to cleanse Kat,” said Brooklyn after Zach wafted burning clumps of sage over the women. “If she was sage herself still wouldn’t help.”

Also of note, during an exercise in which Zach stared into the women’s eyes through a candle flame, the candle went out when it was Jess’s turn. As the witch said, “Oops.”

Since we already know how the group date ended, let’s turn our attention back to the Brooklyn and Kat feud.

Kat continued to insist she was justified in stealing Zach before Charity’s date because all bets were off once he got COVID. But as Ariel very sensibly pointed out, “I don’t think respect ever shifts, though.”

Kat’s retort to Brooklyn, who accused her of being classless and disrespectful, was that it was up to Charity to call Kat out, not Brooklyn. But when Charity tried to have a post-one-on-one conversation about it, Kat declined because she didn’t want to ruin the group date.

“You have your head up your ass,” Brooklyn said, and I couldn’t agree more. Also, “if the shoe fits then light that bitch up.”

Here’s my issue: of course certain women are going to steal time when they can; it’s part of the game. And I also realize we’re only seeing the edit of Kat’s reactions, so maybe she abjectly apologized to Charity and we missed it.

Where Kat lost me is when she made herself the victim. Boo hoo, Brooklyn is saying mean things to me. If you do something that you know is going to piss people off, own it and accept the consequences.

OK, moving on to Ariel’s one-on-one date.

Speaking of being disrespectful, how ridiculous that the producers sent Zach and Ariel to a nude sauna just so they could titter over the fact there were naked people there (while keeping their bathing suits on). Their guide Laura explained that traditional saunas are sacred in Estonia, but there was nothing reverent about the way in which Zach and Ariel approached the experience.

They laughed and joked through the pre-sauna relaxation ritual and, once in the sauna, sniggered at the sight of two middle-aged bodies. It was pretty rude.

During the meal portion of the date, Ariel was set up as the potential dark horse of the season. “I feel like she could be my best friend,” Zach said, which in his lexicon equates to wife.

But then he had to go and do exactly what he did to Charity: when Ariel told him that she’d had many heartbreaks and had “kind of stopped loving myself” through them, Zach responded that he had similar experiences. “My fear is losing myself,” he said. I’m sorry dude, but it’s not all about you, even if you are the Bachelor.

Ariel is lovely. I’m not loving Zach much after this episode.

Next up was the rose ceremony and I really am grateful we’re getting a rose ceremony at the end of every episode.

Kat was the locus of the cocktail party drama. When Charity tried once again to talk to her about the pre-date steal, Brooklyn interrupted and Kat walked out to go and sniffle all by herself about how she kept getting “pushed down.”

And wouldn’t you know that was the moment Zach came to find her? Would she tattle on Brooklyn? She did not, but Zach told Kat something felt “a little off” between them on the witch date, which set up the false narrative that Kat might get sent home.

She didn’t, of course. Aly got dispatched while Gabi, Kaity and Brooklyn also got roses.

So seven women are going into next week’s adventures in Budapest, vying for the coveted hometown dates. That includes Greer, who will make her post-COVID return. Not that it’s going to help her much.

Who’s that pulling away in a van in the promo? And who’s got Zach crying?

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