PHOTO CREDIT: All photos Craig Sjodin/ABC
Twenty-seven seasons in, it’s no surprise that brothers, fathers and other family members might want to ask the Bachelor tough questions when their sisters and/or daughters bring him home for vetting.
What is shocking is that families continue to wholeheartedly give those sisters/daughters their approval to pursue this total stranger when three out of four of them are essentially being strung along.
Does anybody really believe that at this late stage of the game, emphasis on “game,” Zach Shallcross doesn’t know to whom he plans to propose?
My guess is that it’s going to be Kaity — and no, I never read spoilers if that’s what’s floating around out there — which means Gabi, Ariel and Charity were just around to fill the mandated number of hometown dates and, likewise, fantasy suites next week.
On Monday, it was Charity’s turn to get handed into an SUV with a declaration that she deserved love that Zach couldn’t give her. And to be honest, it seemed obvious back when Charity got her one-on-one in Estonia that Zach wasn’t going to pick her.
But still, her perfectly lovely family was subjected to having to entertain and feed Zach while he pretended there was a chance in hell she might be the one.
Sitting with Charity’s brother Nehemiah, Zach called Charity “this incredible and special woman,” which is exactly the kind of language he uses for someone he’s about to send home.
Asked by Nehemiah what set Charity apart from the other three, Zach said “we felt almost immediately comfortable with each other” and he “didn’t have any doubt that she’s looking for exactly what I’m looking (for), which is forever love.” Neither answer sounds like what you say about the woman of your dreams.
Nonetheless, after Charity had heartfelt, touching and tearful conversations with her brother, her father, her mother and her friends, Charity’s mom Vickie told her that “as far as Zach, that’s nothing but a good thing.”
Charity felt confident enough to tell Zach after an evening of line dancing that she was falling in love with him. And when she said she 1,000 per cent could see herself engaged to Zach you just knew her goose was cooked.
Hers was actually the third date of the episode; Gabi’s was the first.
And in keeping with the “Gabi is weird” narrative she and Zach attempted to tap a maple tree in the woods of Pittsford, Vermont, which devolved into a silly bit of sexual innuendo when Zach stuck his finger in the hole and said things like, “Oh, it is wet in there.”
Good lord.
The maple syrup tasting didn’t go much better when Zach picked the fake pancake syrup as his favourite over the three genuine articles. And you’d think Gabi would have learned her lesson about Zach and maple syrup after forcing him to drink it on Night 1 and getting a less than enthusiastic reaction.
The one type of sugar Zach seems to go all in for is on Gabi’s lips. Last week they were kissing against a wall; this week it was a tree.
They disengaged eventually so that Zach could meet Gabi’s father, mother, sister and two brothers.
Big bro Evan wanted to know Zach’s full intentions. That “comfort” word came up again, but Zach also said Gabi was “someone I could see a future with,” which he more or less repeated to mom Stephanie.
Stephanie reserved judgment whereas father Kevin was more optimistic, having fallen in love with Gabi’s mom in a day after meeting her in a lunchroom — although I doubt he was dating three other women at the same time.
Gabi told Zach she could see a future with him but also cried because “this hurts.”
“We’re gonna get through this,” Zach reassured her and I suspect they will, at least until final two.
From the woods to the metropolis, Zach’s next date was with Ariel in New York City.
So no maple syrup, but there was pizza, a beef tongue sandwich, gefilte fish and espresso martinis.
Zach seemed enthused over learning about Ariel’s Jewish heritage — her parents, she said, fled the Soviet Union due to antisemitic persecution and built a life to be proud of in New York — less so about meeting the brother who had offered to beat up her ex-boyfriends.
Brother Bobby definitely had questions and his first one really seemed to stump Zach.
“At the end of the day, my sister’s the one choosing you, so why should she choose you?”
“Great question,” said Zach, which is what people usually say when they have no idea how to answer.
“Great answer,” retorted Bobby as Zach hemmed and hawed. He eventually came up with his “big heart” and being “a pretty good cook.” And that was not a great answer.
Nor could he tell Bobby Ariel’s birthday or her middle name, but he doesn’t need to know those things to kiss Ariel, which seems to be Zach’s main interest.
Ariel’s father Feliks who, alas, did not bring up orgies, said that Zach seemed very nice but, given Ariel was just one of four women, “Why am I expected to be 100 per cent when the other answer could be 25 per cent?” Why indeed?
Nonetheless, he told Ariel he trusted her judgment. And she seemed to trust Zach, telling him she was definitely falling for him.
“I’m gonna let myself enjoy these emotions and be intensely happy,” she said.
Frontrunner Kaity got the very last date, which was also kind of in Zach’s hometown since he too lives in Austin, Texas.
Kaity could hardly be expected to show him around, especially since she had been there just a few weeks, so instead they went grocery shopping and bonded over cinnamon cereal.
Then Kaity took Zach to her house where he put together an Ikea bookshelf, screwed in lightbulbs and set up her mattress.
He was not at all put off. “If it’s Kaity and I at the end of this, this is gonna be a great insight into what life would look like,” Zach said, although presumably he wouldn’t be putting furniture together every week.
Mind you, we were led to believe it could all be for naught since Kaity said she couldn’t be with Zach without the approval of her mother, who had raised her after her father and stepfather both split.
Did her mother, Anne, give the OK? What do you think?
Anne couldn’t help but notice how “handsy” Zach and Kaity were with each other after they arrived. And Zach gave Anne more assurances than he’d given any other parent, saying he could “100 per cent see a future with Kaity” and could “absolutely see myself falling in love with her.”
Yep, Kaity for the win.
Speaking of 100 per cent, that’s how much Anne said she would support Kaity being with Zach moving forward. So Kaity told Zach she was falling in love with him.
There was nothing left to do at that point but for Sean Lowe to have another of his totally voluntary and not at all contractual visits with Zach (at least Sean didn’t have to see Zach stripped to his pecs again although there was yet another gratuitous Zach shower scene at the start of the episode).
Zach pretended he didn’t know whom he was going to send home and Sean made sympathetic comments about how brutal that was going to be, “but I’m proud of you so far.”
Zach also got moral support from host Jesse Palmer with not one but two hugs before he went into the mansion to break Charity’s heart.
After walking her out, Zach told Charity he’d been sick to his stomach all day.
“I know you don’t want to hear this from me, but you deserve all the love and I couldn’t give it to you. I’m grateful to know you,” Zach told Charity before handing her into the SUV and then crying as it pulled away.
Charity was gracious and tearful but also kind of pissed once she was alone.
“It makes no fucking sense to me,” she said. “I can’t give you the love you deserve. Like I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what it frickin’ means.”
Maybe she got to ask Zach that question during “The Women Tell All,” which airs Tuesday night at 8 p.m. on Citytv. I’m afraid I won’t be recapping that one. I’ve got too much to do this week for double “Bachelor.”
Next week it’s the “no sex, OK, yes sex” fantasy suites episode when Zach apparently gets intimate with someone and upsets everyone else. And does what happens in the fantasy suite not stay in the fantasy suite anymore?
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